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jokes

 
gardener
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"That math prof's marriage is falling apart!"
"No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!"
 
master gardener
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My wife and I had an argument.  Anyway, we would like all the clairvoyants to settle it . . . .
 
gardener
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If you steal a Tesla, it's then known as an Edison.
 
Greg Martin
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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.
 
pollinator
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Fishermen are born honest.

But they can change.
 
John F Dean
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House cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.
 
John F Dean
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I hate going out in public .... and finding the public there.
 
John F Dean
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I am trying to remember back to the last time I went through a whole week that wasn't a verse from, "We didn't start the fire."
 
pollinator
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Location: Boston, Massachusetts
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John F Dean wrote:Whatever it is you do, always  give 100% ... unless you are donating blood.



If it costs an arm and a leg, don't buy two.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
 
Kenneth Elwell
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If E.T. wasn't the "Extra Terrestrial", they might have realized he was missing a bit sooner.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
 
John F Dean
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Does struggling to fasten your jeans count as cardio?
 
Greg Martin
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In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison.
Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
 
Greg Martin
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If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
 
pollinator
Posts: 266
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
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There's no point asking Rick Astley if you can borrow his Pixar movies...cause he's never gonna give you Up.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Lady, (attending the Olympics): "Are you a Pole Vaulter?"
Norwegian: "No.... I'm a Norwegian... and my name ain't Valter."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Old Norwegian sayiing:

No bad weather, just bad clothes.
 
John F Dean
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Never make snow angels in a dog park.
 
John F Dean
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Mississippi = the wife of a hippie
 
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Jay Angler wrote:(There are two "banana belts" in Canada. I live in one of them, but alas, it is below freezing today, so I thought I'd post some jokes that many Canadians consider regular winter life.)

You know you're from Canada when... you design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

...you attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest  jewelery and your Sorels*.



*Sorels are a brand of very warm snow boots. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder... or in the person who wants warm feet.



This is so funny! I grew up in Pittsburgh, PA, and we used to joke about our Halloween costumes as kids. They had to adapt to be able to go over a parka, extra points if you could work an umbrella into the look in case it rained even though the forecast said snow, and it helped to have a pared-down version of your costume just in case a dog day of summer showed up. We Pittsburgers learned to be versatile. We wouldn't wear Sorels, though, unless they were a hand-me-down from rich relatives, too $$$ for our steel city blood 😉
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Water is heavier than Butane

because

Butane is a lighter fluid.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Artistic.

Artistic who?

Artistic out when we wear tight sweaters.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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100  years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
My, how the stables have turned.
 
pollinator
Posts: 609
Location: BC Interior, Zone 6-7
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How can you recognize an extroverted engineer?

They look at your shoes when they're talking.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.
 
John F Dean
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Adam and Eve failed to read the Apple terms and conditions.
 
Dennis Barrow
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"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends, "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."
"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."
"Easy for you to say," the first guy said.
"You like her that much?" the friend asked.
"It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.
So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”
 
Greg Martin
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Do memory foam mattresses wish they could forget?
 
Greg Martin
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To the thief who took my antidepressants...I hope you’re happy!
 
Greg Martin
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Cows have hooves because they lactose.
 
pollinator
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Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
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Dennis Barrow wrote:I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.


I wanted to get a new lease on life,
but I went over the allotted mileage on the old one.



(The following actually happened.)

After a meal at a Chinese restaurant we were all given fortune cookies.  Mine had no fortune inside.  I told the waitress that it was very unFORTUNEate.

(She just gave me another one and walked away... but I like to think she was laughing on the inside.)
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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My New Year resolution is going well.  I need to drop 25 pounds to reach my goal of losing 20 pounds.
 
Posts: 62
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How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?


None.  The lightbulb has to want to change..
 
Greg Martin
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I saw a baguette at the zoo....
it was bread in captivity.
 
Greg Martin
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I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them!
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