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jokes

 
Jay Angler
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"That math prof's marriage is falling apart!"
"No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!"

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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John F Dean
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My wife and I had an argument.  Anyway, we would like all the clairvoyants to settle it . . . .

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Greg Martin
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If you steal a Tesla, it's then known as an Edison.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
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Fishermen are born honest.

But they can change.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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House cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I hate going out in public .... and finding the public there.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I am trying to remember back to the last time I went through a whole week that wasn't a verse from, "We didn't start the fire."

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Kenneth Elwell
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John F Dean wrote:Whatever it is you do, always  give 100% ... unless you are donating blood.



If it costs an arm and a leg, don't buy two.

Nails are sold by the pound, that makes sense.
Soluna Garden Farm -- Flower CSA -- plants, and cut flowers at our farm.

 
Dennis Barrow
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I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Kenneth Elwell
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If E.T. wasn't the "Extra Terrestrial", they might have realized he was missing a bit sooner.

Nails are sold by the pound, that makes sense.
Soluna Garden Farm -- Flower CSA -- plants, and cut flowers at our farm.

 
Dennis Barrow
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I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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Does struggling to fasten your jeans count as cardio?

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Greg Martin
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In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison.
Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Heather Sharpe
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There's no point asking Rick Astley if you can borrow his Pixar movies...cause he's never gonna give you Up.

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

 
Dennis Barrow
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Lady, (attending the Olympics): "Are you a Pole Vaulter?"
Norwegian: "No.... I'm a Norwegian... and my name ain't Valter."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Old Norwegian sayiing:

No bad weather, just bad clothes.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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Never make snow angels in a dog park.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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Mississippi = the wife of a hippie

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Dennis Barrow
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Water is heavier than Butane

because

Butane is a lighter fluid.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Artistic.

Artistic who?

Artistic out when we wear tight sweaters.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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100  years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
My, how the stables have turned.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jan White
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How can you recognize an extroverted engineer?

They look at your shoes when they're talking.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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Adam and Eve failed to read the Apple terms and conditions.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Dennis Barrow
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"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends, "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."
"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."
"Easy for you to say," the first guy said.
"You like her that much?" the friend asked.
"It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.
So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
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Do memory foam mattresses wish they could forget?

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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To the thief who took my antidepressants...I hope you’re happy!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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Cows have hooves because they lactose.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
K Eilander
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Dennis Barrow wrote:I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.


I wanted to get a new lease on life,
but I went over the allotted mileage on the old one.



(The following actually happened.)

After a meal at a Chinese restaurant we were all given fortune cookies.  Mine had no fortune inside.  I told the waitress that it was very unFORTUNEate.

(She just gave me another one and walked away... but I like to think she was laughing on the inside.)

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
John F Dean
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My New Year resolution is going well.  I need to drop 25 pounds to reach my goal of losing 20 pounds.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Sarah Elizabeth
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How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?


None.  The lightbulb has to want to change..

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit: Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. “ Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

 
Greg Martin
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I saw a baguette at the zoo....
it was bread in captivity.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Those are the largest trousers in the world! Especially when next to this ad:
rocket mass heater jamboree 2026
https://permies.com/t/369866/rocket-mass-heater-jamboree
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