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wayne stephen
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A man walks into a doctors office wearing a top hat . Doctor says "What seems to be the problem ?" . The man removes the hat and there is a frog sitting on top of his head. Doctor says "Interesting , but how can I be of help to you ?" The frog says "Can you get this guy off my ass ?"
 
wayne stephen
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A man walks into a bar and sits next to his freind. He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a little piano and stool . He then reaches into his coat and pulls out a little man who sits at the piano and begins to play "Fur Elise". His freind says "Where did you get that ?!" The mans says "Well I was walking on the beach and I found a brass lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out and granted me one wish. He must have been hard of hearing because he thought I wished for a 10 inch pianist".
 
David Livingston
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Town dweller visits farm and asks a question ." Hello Farmer Can you tell me why those cows have no horns ?"
The farmer looks at him and replies "well there could be a number of reasons ; It could be they are too young to have grown horns , or it could be that I have removed the horns for saftey reasons , it could be they are a breed of cow that does not have horns but in this particular case its because they are horses "
 
Craig Dobbson
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David Livingston wrote:Town dweller visits farm and asks a question ." Hello Farmer Can you tell me why those cows have no horns ?"
The farmer looks at him and replies:
"What's the matter with you city folk? The bells ain't loud enough for ya?"
 
paul wheaton
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
 
Mateo Chester
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Whats a ninja's favorite drink?


WAAA TTTAAAAHHHHHH !!!
 
Mateo Chester
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Whats the difference between 4 and 6 pine nuts?

I don't know, it's a matter of a pinion...
 
wayne stephen
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Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To show the possum how it's done.
 
wayne stephen
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So , Mahatma Ghandi . He took a vow of poverty and walked everywhere barefoot , correct ? He also underwent extreme fasts to the brink of death for spiritual purposes , correct ? Finally , he consumed foul tasting herbs such as neem to purge his system of impurities , correct ?
So does that make him a "SuperCallousedFragileMysticPlaguedWithHalotosis" ?
 
paul wheaton
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!”
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.”
 
paul wheaton
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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
 
John Polk
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As Winston Churchill once said
"You can always depend on the Americans to get it right...after they have tried all of the other options."

 
wayne stephen
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Northern Alaska . A man is driving his car on a lonely road and begins to have engine trouble. Luckily there is a mechanic nearby . He barely makes it into the parking lot and stalls. He is fortunate as this is the only mechanic for a hundred miles in any direction . The only other facility nearby is a small cafe across the street . The mechanic pushes the car into a stall and says it will take him an hour or so to diagnose the problem. The driver decides he will have a leisurely lunch at the cafe and walks across the snow driven road. He enjoys a ham sandwich and more than one cup of hot coffee . After an hour passes he notices the mechanic waving at him and gets up to pay the bill . He enters the garage and the mechanic says "Well , it looks like you blew a seal". To which the driver , wiping the corner of his mouth replies "No , it's just mayonnaise".
 
Nick Kitchener
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Anyone up for the job?
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Nick Kitchener
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If dogs kept a diary:
 
Jason Lindsay
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"I gave up catholicism for lent"

Dog's diary was great. the 3rd one is magically funny.
"As if a teddy bear mated with a cactus"
 
Xisca Nicolas
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I laughed at all but 2!
Help me laugh some more by explaining this:

-He must have been hard of hearing because he thought I wished for a 10 inch pianist".

- "Well , it looks like you blew a seal". To which the driver , wiping the corner of his mouth replies "No , it's just mayonnaise".
 
Jason Lindsay
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blew a seal would be mistaken for giving oral sex (felatio) to a seal (the mammal with flippers and cute white fuzzy babies).
The mayonnaise he assumes was mistaken for seal semen.

pianist was mistaken for penis.
 
Xisca Nicolas
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) thanks!
Jason Lindsay wrote: pianist was mistaken for penis.

This one at least I should have found it!
I think I can get an idea to create a story in Spanish, and it would be a chicken instead of a pianist!!!

I was thinking about it for the mayo... ok for "blew" then!!
And what does "blew a seal" means about the car? Because there would be no need of this story if the man was not saying what happened to the car...

By the way, a seal is "phoque" in french, and english spokers hate using it, because phoque is prononced "fuck"...

 
wayne stephen
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"Blew a seal" in relation to a car ... Seal means the gaskets between the sections of your engine . Americans will say "blew" as if saying exploded or ruptured.
"I blew a tire" "Lookout ! She's going to blow". Actually I think it would be funnier to hear an american trying to tell the seal joke in french.
 
James Graham
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This is along the same lines.

 
Xisca Nicolas
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Now I get them all perfectly thanks!
Well in French you can try to say that you explode a fuck... explose un phoque, and it would mean nothing!

You can definitely do something in Spanish for the pianist joke, with a chicken, that is pollo, and then guess what means polla!

Heard one in spanish...
2 goats in a garbage dump. One is pulling and sucking up (like spaghettis...) the tape of a video cassette... (you remember, before dvd!).
As she looks a little upset, the other one asks "do you like this film?"
"Well, I liked the book better!"
 
John Polk
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Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer Nuts are $1.79. You can find deer nuts under a buck!

 
John Polk
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The first day of school, the teacher wants to know how well her new class is doing in math.
She asks Johnny "If you had 20 goats in a field, and one found a hole in the fence and got out, how many would be left?"
"None" replied Johnny.
"Well, you certainly don't understand math. There would be 19 goats left."
"Oh, but ma'am, I do understand math. You just don't understand goats."

 
wayne stephen
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If a cow laughed real hard would milk squirt out of her nose ?
 
wayne stephen
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A man was driving along a country road and his car broke down . While he is staring into the engine compartment a cow walks up and says " Sounds like your having trouble with your fuel injection system . " He turns tail and runs to the farmhouse to tell the farmer of the amazing thing he has seen .
The farmer says " Was it the red one with a white spot above her right eye ? " . The man answers " Yes " . " I wouldn't listen to her . Thats Bessie , she don't know a thing about cars . "
 
wayne stephen
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How many well meaning enviromentalists does it take to screw up a light bulb ?
 
John Polk
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Overheard the other day:

"The schoolyard bully still takes my lunch money. He works at the local Mc Donalds."

 
wayne stephen
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Harry the Herring and Tony the Trout are inseperable . Never do you see one without the other . Best of freinds . One day Wally the Whale sees Harry and Tony is nowhere to be found . Wally the Whale says " Hey Harry ! Wheres Tony ? " Harry the Herring says " What am I , my brothers kipper ? "
 
Dale Hodgins
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Dale Hodgins
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Location: Victoria British Columbia-Canada
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wayne stephen
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So , a baby seal walks into a club .....
 
Leila Rich
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wayne stephen wrote:So , a baby seal walks into a club .....

Oh dear. I find that quite funny. Does that make me a bad person?
 
Marianne Cicala
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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
 
Marianne Cicala
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so a neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "how much for a drink?" Bartender replies: "For you, no charge"
 
Nick Kitchener
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Know the warning signs...
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Dale Hodgins
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This is a gag that I've tried out at least 20 times when I see someone I know at a coffee shop.

I stealthy put a banana in my pocket approach them , and then say "Hey Bob, I'm glad to see you ---- and I've got a banana in my pocket" as I withdraw the banana. It never gets old.
------------------------------------------
Three Canadian TV shows (might be more) have made light of the nature of crime solving in small communities.--- "North of 60" was set in the native Dene' community of Otter Creek. A canoe goes missing. The owner tells the cop, "I think it was Albert. Ya, it was sorta cloudy but sure looked like Albert".

--- "Corner Gas" is set in a Saskatchewan town so small, that the main attraction is the gas station. The terrain is dead flat, like a big pond, but with wheat fields. A crime has been committed. The cops ask a witness for information and he points toward a pickup truck a long way across a featureless landscape and says " That's his truck".

--- "The Beachcombers" concerns the rough and tumble business of log salvage in the small town of Gibson's BC. Logs get stolen, lines are cut, gas is siphoned, maps are covertly altered... It's always the same guy named Relic. He's old, nasty and sneaky. Never gets locked up. That would make next week's episode boring without a villain. --- I had the same model of boat as Relic. Yanking logs off of the rocks is awesome !!! I did some really dangerous shit. I watched these guys do it on TV when I was a kid (far from the ocean) and 15 years later there I am, doing it myself after 5 minutes of instruction from the guy who sold me the boat.

We're on an island here. Facial tatoos are rare. Do you think they'll ever catch this bozo who robbed a gas station ? This is like Oprah, hitting the 7-11 down the street, thinking she can get away with it.
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Dale Hodgins
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Some funny visuals.

Should we load on any more sugar cane?

Now they'r rolling prices sideways in order to preserve the bottom line.

Diet and exercise are such a pain.
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Marianne Cicala
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when asked to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence, Dorothy Parker replied:

"you can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think"
 
John Polk
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The last time I was in the UK, I met a gay couple. Seemed like a match made in heaven:
Gerald Fitzpatrick, and Patrick Fitzgerald.

 
Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, it's a tiny ad:
The Earth Sheltered Solar Greenhouse Book by Mike Oehler - digital download
https://permies.com/wiki/23444/digital-market/digital-market/Earth-Sheltered-Solar-Greenhouse-Book
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