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jokes

 
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gardener
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My bad jokes that I told at the end of the pdc, so now I don't have to keep them secret anymore :)

1) While most puns make me numb, math puns make me number.
2) Today my son asked "Can I have a book mark?"  and I burst into tears.  All these years and he still doesn't know my name is Greg.
3) My friend said he didn't understand what cloning was.  I said, that makes two of us.
4) How many apples grow on a tree?  All of them.
5) Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?  Because they're so good at it!
6) My friend said to me "What rhymes with orange?"  I told him "no it doesn't!"
7) My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man, it could be worse.  You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."  I know he means well.
8) Don't trust atoms....they make up everything!
9) A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
10) The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
11) Allan asked me what I'm going to do with my new pdc skills next year.  I told him I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.  


 
Greg Martin
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One that didn't make the cut:

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.  

I know  Ugghh, right?  :)
 
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Greg Martin wrote:One that didn't make the cut:

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.  

I know  Ugghh, right?  :)


That one amuses me :)  I'd have kept it in :)
 
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That reminds me of a meeting I attended decades ago where a bunch of students/recent grads were standing up and introducing themselves. One fellow stood up and said, "Hi, I'm Joe and I sell drugs....    I'm a pharmacist."
 
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I love this song from The Book of Mormon!

THE BOOK OF MORMON- 'Hasa Diga Eebowai' Lyrics (exciting language, be warned! mwahaahaha!)



Lyrics:
"In this part of Africa, we ALL have a saying – whenever something bad happens, we just throw our hands to the sky and say HASA DIGA EEBOWAI!
Hasa Diga Eebowai?
It's the only way to get through all these troubled times. There's war, poverty, famine... but having a saying makes it all seem better!
There isn't enough food to eat
Hasa Diga Eebowai
People are starving in the street
Hasa Diga Eebowai
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Well, that's pretty neat!
Does it mean no worries for the rest of our days?
Kind of!"
 
pollinator
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On St. Patrick's Day, an Irish man walks into a pub in New York City, sits down at the bar, and orders three pints of Guinness.

The bartender brings him three pints, and the man proceeds to sip them  alternately — the first one, the next one, and then the third one, until they’re all gone. Then He gets up, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

The same thing happens year after year, same guy, same pub, three pints on St. Patrick's Day.

The bartender finds this behavior noteworthy, so one year he says "You've been coming here for years, ordering the same thing each time. There's gotta be a story behind that, am I right?"

“Indeed,” the man says. “I'm a triplet. I have two brothers, one in Boston and one in Dublin. We made a vow to each other that every year we were apart, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together, each in our local pub.”

”What a wonderful tradition,” the bartender says, smiling.

The following year, full of anticipation, as soon as the bartender sees the guy walk in, he lines up three glasses on the bar and starts pouring. But the guy looks up at the bartender with a sad expression and says with a sigh, "Only two for me this year, thanks."

“Oh no,” says the bartender sadly, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

"How's that?" asks the guy.

"Did one of your brothers pass away?"

“Oh, no, nothing like that,” says the guy. “I just quit drinking.”
 
Dave Burton
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Image text:
"Theory is when you know everything but nothing works. Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.In our lab, theory and practice are combined: nothing works and no one knows why:



Image text:
"Thou shalt not try me. Mom 24:7"

(sources: r/funny)
 
Jay Angler
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The problem with political jokes is that too often they get elected to office.
 
Greg Martin
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Ok...now for a silly one....The Story of the Man with the big orange head:

A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Please, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out! The genie thundered, You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy. The genie says, Your wish is granted. And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!"

"So I said, Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world. The genie says, Your wish is granted. And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible."

"Then the genie booms, You have one wish remaining."
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer and says, "Then I wished for a big orange head."
 
Greg Martin
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Ok, a handful of pun jokes to make up for that last one!  :)

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran.

My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels!
 
He was expelled for perverse baking experiments. This tiny ad is a model student:
All of the video from the Eat Your Dirt Summit
https://permies.com/t/106759/video-Eat-Dirt-Summit
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