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jokes

 
steward & bricolagier
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"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the Mother helping her son at home. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The mother took her son aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means 'carrying a child.'"
 
Pearl Sutton
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Q. If seagulls are called seagulls because they fly over the sea, what are they called when they fly over the bay?
A. bagels!


 
Pearl Sutton
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In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM one very cold morning, State Trooper Bob Nixon responded to a call saying there was a car off the shoulder of the road just outside of town. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"
The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.
Needless to say, the man was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper who could run 50 miles per hour.
 
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Q: What did the male stamen say to the female pistil?

A: I like your "style"



Q: Why was the scuba diver failing Anatomy?

A: Because he was below "C" level.
 
Jay Angler
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If someone tells you a vagina joke, there is not need to ovary react.
 
master pollinator
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Silence is Golden.  Well, unless you have a small child, then silence is suspicious.
 
John F Dean
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One important lesson I have learned in life is that it takes more than food to fill the emptiness in ones soul, it also takes beer.
 
John F Dean
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If your dog is with you, are you really drinking alone?
 
John F Dean
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Some things are better left unsaid ..l which I usually realize after I have said them.
 
master steward
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Not really a meme, more like a joke...
 
John F Dean
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The older you get, the uglier you are willing to go out in public.
 
John F Dean
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Any thing I say before coffee cannot be used against me.
 
John F Dean
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Starting you day with a jog is good way to make sure it doesn't get any worse.
 
John F Dean
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If vegans like animals so much, why do they eat their food?
 
steward
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From Backwoods Home Magazine

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
“Fishing,” replied the old man.
“Poor old fool” thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked, “And how many have you caught today?”
“You’re the eighth.”

 
John F Dean
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Do people who run in Marathons know they don't  have to?
 
pollinator
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.
 
John F Dean
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COVID has brought on some strange situations.  I have noticed that lately my hands have been consuming more alcohol than my mouth.
 
John F Dean
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I have gotten into whole foods lately. Yesterday I ate a whole pizza.
 
John F Dean
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The last time I rolled a joint, it was my ankle.
 
John F Dean
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I have mixed feelings about drinking, but, then again, I have mixed drinks about feelings.
 
John F Dean
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Heather Olivia wrote:

Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the movie theater?
He told the usher he'd like to shit in the back row.



Poop jokes are not my favorite kind of joke.  But they are a solid #2.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank.
"You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"
Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

 
John F Dean
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My wife and I were, and are, big on pulling practical jokes on one another.  She is much shorter than me. Once, when we were much younger, in a department store, I made some sarcastic remark to her.  She thought she was giving me a nudge with her knee.  Instead, she caught me with her knee in my calf, and I went down with a Charlie Horse.  Without hesitation she cried out, "Oh my God! He's having a seizure!  The next thing I know there is a huge biker kneeling over me assuring me everything is ok.  I had no choice but to play along.

Afterward,  she confessed that the first thing she saw after I went down was the biker, and she knew she had me.
 
Pearl Sutton
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He's slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.


(My note: I think I hired that guy one time!!)


 
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I am a typo".
 
John F Dean
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Aging is tough. One minute you have a favorite bar and the next minute you have a favorite grocery store.
 
David Haight
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I'm not too worried about a long term toilet paper shortage, because I know how to take it day bidet.
 
John F Dean
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Why on earth would I use a turn signal?!!! It's nobody's business where I am going!!
 
John F Dean
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I don't see why people think soy milk is so special.  Isn't it just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
 
Pearl Sutton
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What do a dildo and soy have in common?

Both are used as substitutes for meat
 
John F Dean
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Last week my wife was baking and had a Mason jar with food coloring in it. I drank it. The poison control center says not to worry, but I feel like I've dyed inside.
 
Pearl Sutton
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A joke I just made up:

My cat plans to go to college for a physics degree. She wants to study String Theory!
 
John F Dean
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I'm afraid I might be addicted to placebos.
 
John F Dean
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I have begun to write a book.  I already have all the page numbers done!
 
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Do people who run in Marathons know they don't  have to?



Perhaps they're unaware that they'll never run away from themselves?
 
John F Dean
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I plan on living forever. So far, i have been successful.
 
paul wheaton
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from backwoods home magazine

Freya was driving her Chevrolet Vega home in New Mexico when she saw an elderly Apache woman walking along the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a lift?

With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Freya tried in vain to make conversation with the Apache woman.

The old Apache looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Freya.

"What’s in the bag?" asked the old woman.

"It’s a bottle of whiskey that I got for my husband."

The Apache woman was silent for another minute or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said,"‘Good trade."

Staff note (Greg Martin) :

If my counting is right this is the 1000th post in the joke thread....so Paul posted the 1st and 1000th! Nice!!

 
Bring me the box labeled "thinking cap" ... and then read this tiny ad:
Wild Homesteading - Work with nature to grow food and start/build your homestead
https://permies.com/t/96779/Wild-Homesteading-Work-nature-grow
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