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jokes

 
Mike Haasl
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43% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

There's a 97% chance I posted this joke before so I'm sorry.
 
Heather Olivia
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What concert can you got to for only 45 cents?
50 cent with Nickelback

And to make up for that one..

Where does Kylo Ren get all his winter clothes?
Hoth Topic
 
John F Dean
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I was shocked when I learned my toaster wasn't waterproof.
 
John F Dean
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Question: What is heavy forward but not backwards?

Answer: ton

 
John F Dean
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A couple of true stories.

My wife's  family legend was that her great grandfather (or great great) named Sales Brown married an Indian. Certainly her father looked Native American. In fact, he had lived on a reservation in the 1950's where he wife was a nurse.  My wife got interested in genealogy,  and became frustrated when she kept hitting roadblocks on her father's side. Finally, she had a DNA test. ZERO Native American . She did have significant DNA from India. She learned that "Sails" Brown had been a ship captain who married a woman fron India.

I was on a business trip to Ohio when the previously warm relations cooled when a key person I was working with learned that I was from southern Illinois.  He asked if I was familiar with a certain community near me, and I said I was. He then began a tirade of how backward the community was.  I commented that I had lived in mnay small communities, and, while I would not call the area cosmopolitan,  I did not see it as more backward than the other communities.  Since, he was not going to let it drop, I asked for specifics.  It seems he had business at the county courthouse and encountered a sign that said:

                                                                                  White
                                                                                 County
                                                                               Employees
                                                                                    Only


I asked him if he realized he had been in White County.
 
John F Dean
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If you do have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea,  it runs in your jeans.
 
John F Dean
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Two men are hiking in the Rockies. They set up camp.  One begins to write some notes on the day's events. The second begins to read their itinerary for the next day. Suddenly a mountain lion  leaps upon them and devours the second man. You see, even a wild animal knows that writers cramp but readers digest.
 
John F Dean
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A perfectionist walks into a bar ... it wasn't set high enough.
 
John F Dean
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Stastics are odd. I mean, it is true alcohol kills people, but how many people are born because of it?
 
John F Dean
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I promised my wife I would grow seedless watermelons this year ... but i can't find any seeds.
 
Greg Martin
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A friend of mine fell into an upholstery machine, but don't worry....

he's fully recovered.
 
Greg Martin
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My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions, but don't worry...

I'll be back.
 
Greg Martin
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If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry...

you'll  have the rest of your life to fix it.
 
Greg Martin
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I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but don't worry...

it came back to me.
 
Greg Martin
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If you don't understand the term "universal predicament" don't worry...

it's a common problem.
 
Pearl Sutton
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In the back woods of Tennessee, the hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another one to come!"

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
 
Pearl Sutton
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A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow "... to live in a ten story luxury mansion." The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie
"I want to lose a testicle" said the man.
 
Pearl Sutton
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A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
 
Pearl Sutton
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Mary Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam!" he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" enquired Mary. "Sorry, no,” came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.

"Hmm, I would like hmmm cauliflower cheese please", said Mary. "Certainly madam", he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please...poached.”

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam... sleep well?" "Yes thank you!" Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though, they really weren't that nice at all.” Mary replied truthfully.

"Oh, well perhaps you could care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion." said the receptionist. "Okay, I will, thanks!" replied Mary.

She then checked out, paused a while, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. On the page was written:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious"

:D
 
Greg Martin
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Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but I'm fine....don't worry."

After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."
 
John F Dean
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The beautiful girl has been locked in the castle tower for several years.  But each time a knight approached he would take a look ar her hand ride off. She looked at herself in the mirror and sighed , "How can I expect any man to want to rescue a damsel in this dress."
 
John F Dean
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The businessman carpooled to work daily. Each time the car entered a tunnel, he had a panic attack. He found it odd that only tunnels bothered him. Bridges had no impact. He finally went to a doctor who diagnosed him with carpool tunnel syndrome.
 
John F Dean
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A lawyer is working late in his office one night.  Satan walks in an offers him a full partnership in the law firm in exchange for his soul.  The lawyer replies, "So, what's the catch?"
 
John F Dean
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My wife woke up in a rotten mood this morning.  She told me I had always treated our marriage like some kind of game.  Well, that cost her the Bonus plus 50 points!
 
John F Dean
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I knew this guy who, although a Satanist, was a very caring husband. He would make any sacrifice for his wife.
 
Pearl Sutton
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I was inspired by a previous joke, to write a totally new joke! Here, published for the first time anywhere, a Pearl original..... I challenge y'all to come up with a better version! Impress me! :D

There was a PDC being taught high up in the hills in early spring, and a bunch of Permies went to it. During a break, some people went out for a walk, and found some cute mushrooms. Not wisely, they ate some. They began to hallucinate, and see themselves as part of the web of mycelium that covers the planet.
A doctor was called to see if they were going to be alright. He said "Yes, they will come down off it, it's just a mild case of springsnackfungusinducedpsychosis!"

:D



Impress me, y'all! Do better!
 
John F Dean
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Yesterday I broke down and went to an antique auction.   Three people bid on me.
 
John F Dean
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I apologize in advance for this  one, but it fits my twisted sense of humor.

What do you call a Montana farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.
 
paul wheaton
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The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Sister, I think it's your feet.” The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?" Little Johnny said "Well, I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying ‘Oh God, I'm coming.’ I gotta tell you, if dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"

 
John F Dean
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I'm a social vegan. I avoid meet.
 
John F Dean
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Have you ever wondered what your pet's name for you is?
 
John F Dean
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You know, when I was in my teens, I thought marriage was about sex.

As I grew older, I thought it was about companionship.

Now that I am in my 70s, I know it is mostly about shouting "What!" from another room.
 
John F Dean
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I find Russian Dolls to be annoying. They are so full of themselves.

The first 40 years of childhood are the hardest.
 
John F Dean
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If you don't know the difference between there, their, and they're, your an idiot.
 
Greg Martin
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My wife left me because I'm insecure...

Nevermind she's back.  She just went to pee.

(if she leaves it will be because of all the bad jokes!)
 
Greg Martin
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My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook...

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

(Confession:  I do all the cooking so I'm usually the one that sets it off)
 
Greg Martin
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My favorite word is "Drool"...

It just sort of rolls off the tongue.
 
John F Dean
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My wife told me I should never listen to her ... or something like that.
 
John F Dean
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The buttons on my jeans have taken social distancing too far.
 
Pearl Sutton
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There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist. A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat." She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!"
 
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