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jokes

 
Posts: 439
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I just invented a new word!!! PLAGIARISM
 
John F Dean
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Speaking of such, I taught part-time at the college level for 15 years.  I had a student turn in a paper that looked familiar.  You see, my wife has a different last name than mine.
 
steward
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Two penguins were paddling a canoe up a dry stream bed in Arizona.

One said to the other "Where's the paddle?"

"Sure does" said the other one.

(this joke works much better when spoken instead of written)
(spelling is this way to allow for the proper level of confusion)
 
John F Dean
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Two friars open a flower shop to raise funds for their mission.  They are successful, but this causes problems for the other flower shops.  Every attempt they make to compete with the friars fails. Finally, in desperation, they hire a local thug, Hugh McTaggert. Without hesitation Hugh beats up the friars and trashes the flower shop.  The friars close down their business, and the other florists are releaved their competition is gone.  Which goes to prove, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
 
John F Dean
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But, did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into the bra?
 
Posts: 304
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Or did you hear about the person who had OCD and ADHD?

Everything has to be perfect...but not for very long...!
 
John F Dean
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I am really frustrated.   I went to the store yesterday to buy some camouflaged clothing.  When I got there, I didn't see any.
 
John F Dean
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At the hotel several participants from the Chess tournament were discussing their latest victories in the lobby.  After and hour of this, the manager threw them out.  He explained, " I just can't stand Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
steward
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Location: missoula, montana (zone 4)
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight" the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"

 
John F Dean
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The invisible man and invisible woman got married.  Their kids weren't much to look at.
 
John F Dean
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Once again, I find myself frustrated.  I sent a different pun to ten of my friends hoping to get a laugh from at least one of them. No pun in ten did.
 
Posts: 60
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Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?  The food is out of this world, but there's not much for atmosphere.
 
Amy Francis
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A couple squabbling -

She tells him "You're just immature - period!"

He giggles...."you said period!"
 
Tim Siemens
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Do you know how you get the water in the watermelon?.... You plant it in the spring.
 
John F Dean
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The first time my wife went into labor I was terrified.  She began screaming,  "couldn't, shouldn't, wouldn't...."  The doctor assured me that those were just contractions.
 
John F Dean
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When  God made woman he considered giving her apostrophes instead of periods.  Then he realized she would only be more possessive and have too many contractions.
 
John F Dean
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A friend just texted me:

Every week day grandma would get on the van to the Senior Citizens Center.  To show her appreciation she would hand the driver a zip lock bag of peanuts.  The driver, at first appreciated them, but eventually grew tired of them.  One day he told her that there was no need to be so generous. "Oh, that's ok", she replied, " They would just go waste.  I don't have any teeth and can only suck the chocolate off of them."
 
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What goes vrooom uurrchh vroom uurrchh vroom uurchh?

A light-haired person driving through a blinking red light.

by the way, I am a light-haired person.
 
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Dale Hodgins wrote:I was listening to the radio and someone mentioned getting out of the rat race. It occurred to me that rats set their own hours and aren't really part of that race.

I had my wife draw the cartoon below. I think my words need to go in a little caption thing or maybe it's called a word bubble to show what the rat is thinking.

Maybe he needs a briefcase or something else to indicate that he quit a job. Cartoon animals often have jobs usually reserved for humans. :-)

Screenshot_20200316-171329.png
[Thumbnail for Screenshot_20200316-171329.png]
Screenshot_20200316-171308.png
[Thumbnail for Screenshot_20200316-171308.png]
Screenshot_20200316-170954.png
[Thumbnail for Screenshot_20200316-170954.png]
Screenshot_20200316-170807.png
[Thumbnail for Screenshot_20200316-170807.png]
 
John F Dean
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I got in trouble once in the 5th grade.  The teacher told me I would never get anywhere in life because I procrastinate too much.  I told her, "Just you wait!"
 
John F Dean
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I stopped at the library to get a book on paranoia.  The librarian whispered to me that they were right behind me.
 
John F Dean
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I have an Epi Pen.  A woman gave it to as she was dying from a bee sting.  It seemed really important to her that I have it.
 
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Two cows are having a chat over a fence. The first says "I'm really afraid of this mad cow disease, the second replies "I wouldn't worry it doesn't effect us ducks"
 
John F Dean
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Did you hear about the blonde who died while ice fishing? She was run over by a Zamboni.
 
John F Dean
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When I finally got out to do some shopping,  someone broke in my car and stole my anti-depressants.   I hope he's happy!
 
Amy Francis
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They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."   (A Tim Vine oneliner)
 
John F Dean
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with his pencil.
 
John F Dean
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The average human has one breast and one testicle.
 
garden master
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Greg Martin wrote:I thought I'd give being a mime a try but was told I wasn't cut out for it.  

I asked if it was something I said.  

They said yes.



When I told my friends about this they were very surprised we had a mime school nearby.

I said "Yeah, they've been having trouble getting the word out".
 
Mike Haasl
steward
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32% of all statistics are made up on the spot
 
Mike Haasl
steward
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I didn't say half the things they say I did on the internet

- Abraham Lincoln
 
Greg Martin
garden master
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Due to the quarantine I'll only be telling inside jokes.
 
Greg Martin
garden master
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I like telling Dad jokes.  Sometimes he laughs!
 
Greg Martin
garden master
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Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg!
 
Greg Martin
garden master
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This one isn't a joke....my employer has had me working from home for this past week.  Can you tell it's getting to me a bit from those last 3 jokes???
 
steward & bricolagier
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Why can't Cinderella play soccer?


She always runs away from the ball.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Why is Cinderella such a lousy football player?


Because she has a pumpkin for a coach.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Why did Captain Hook cross the road?


To shop at the second-hand store.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Why did the angry Jedi cross the road?


To get to the Dark Side


 
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