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jokes

 
gardener
Posts: 1979
Location: Maine, zone 5
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I’m reading a horror story in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
 
Greg Martin
gardener
Posts: 1979
Location: Maine, zone 5
861
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I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant...
then I changed my mind.
 
Greg Martin
gardener
Posts: 1979
Location: Maine, zone 5
861
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My new girlfriend works at the zoo.
I think she’s a keeper.
 
master gardener
Posts: 3435
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1251
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Lazy is such an ugly word.

I prefer selective participation.
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
Posts: 3435
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
Because if they traveled slowly, we’d have to call them slow-i-canes.
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6299
Location: SW Missouri
2830
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A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 dollars."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 dollars, please, if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6299
Location: SW Missouri
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A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."


 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6299
Location: SW Missouri
2830
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There was a power failure in a large shopping mall,
there were people stuck on the escalators for 4 hours!


 
master gardener
Posts: 2112
Location: southern Illinois.
510
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Hi Pearl,

Your escalator post reminds me of a small town newspaper headline I saw in Massachusetts in the early 1960s

TAVERN BURNS!  HUNDREDS HOMELESS!!
 
Posts: 78
Location: 6.b.
17
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What did one cow say to the other on their way to the butcher?

United we stand, divided we're steaks
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
Posts: 3435
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Why don't chickens wear underpants?

Because their pecker's on their head.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 2112
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If you have small children, the writing really is on the wall.
 
steward
Posts: 32847
Location: missoula, montana (zone 4)
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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.

“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

 
pollinator
Posts: 127
Location: Eastern Ontario
36
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A farmer won the big lottery the other week.  When asked what he planned to do with his millions he replied "Keep farming till its all gone!"
 
Jeff Marchand
pollinator
Posts: 127
Location: Eastern Ontario
36
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My dirty little secret is that I am an economist by training.  Here are some jokes you might like about my profession:

A mathematician, a statistician and an economist all apply for the same job at an investment bank.  They are all asked what does 1+1 equal?
The mathematician says " my theorem is that 1+1 equals 2 and here is my 10 page proof".
The statistician says " given a large enough sample and a well designed survey, I would say that 1+1 equals 2. 19 times out of every 20".
The economist closes the blinds, looks around and says "What do you want it to be?"

An economist is at a bar, playing darts.  His first dart is at the 12 0'clock position and his second dart is at the 6 O'clock position. He yells "BULLSEYE".


A few hours later a police officier helps that same economist look for his car keys under a street lamp. After a half an hour of searching the police officer asks if he is certain he lost his keys here.  The economist replies "No, I dropped them over there". The policeman asks why are they looking here then?  "Because this is where the light is!"


A few nights later that same free-market economist and an investmant banker are walk back from the bar when the banker stoops down to pick up a $20 bill lying on the ground.  The economist stops him and says "don't do that!" Why not asks the banker.  "It must be counterfeit, otherwise someone else would have picked it up already!"

Thats all I got for my chosen profession.  What you got for yours?
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6299
Location: SW Missouri
2830
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There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have come to light due to the success of movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic"was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

:D
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6299
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When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight.
"Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6299
Location: SW Missouri
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

                          To get to the ''Shell'' station!


 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6299
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A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

 
Greg Martin
gardener
Posts: 1979
Location: Maine, zone 5
861
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Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.
 
Greg Martin
gardener
Posts: 1979
Location: Maine, zone 5
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Robin:  "Batman, the Batmobile won't start!"
Batman:  "Did you remember to charge the battery?"
Robin:  "What is a tery?"
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 2112
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My new Telsa was delivered. It runs great but it has a really weird outdoorsy smell ... sort of an e-lawn musk.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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510
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I find statistics interesting.  If your parents didn't have children, odds are you won't either.
 
Greg Martin
gardener
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861
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2020 has me so down that it's been hard to get up in the morning, so I've switched to a diet of yeast and car wax....
I'm hoping to rise and shine again!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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What if there were no hypothetical questions?
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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When I was quite young, I was abducted by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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My neighbor confessed to me that she just realized that the teachers who told her that her children were a joy to teach .....LIED!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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510
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I have to admit to my share of the responsibility. I think 2020 may be happening because back in 2019 I didn't forward that chain email to 10 people.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 2112
Location: southern Illinois.
510
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Because of the quarantine, shouldn't this thread be limited to inside jokes?
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I am worried.  I am hearing thunder in the distance. We haven't had rain in ages, so this should be a good thing. Then it hit me. With 2020 going the way it has, it might be Godzilla.
 
master gardener
Posts: 1922
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Today was the first day of Diarrhea Awareness week. It runs through Friday.
 
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Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020, too.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 2112
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For those of us with great eyes and ugly faces, this is our moment!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 2112
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510
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I hate people who write "congrats " simply because they are too lazy to figure out how to spell congatjulations.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 2112
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510
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I am so sick of typing and retyping posts.  Auto correct can go straight to He'll.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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510
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I went to my mail box yesterday, and my neighbor was in her yard jabbering away to herself.  She explained, "I'm having a parent/teacher conference,"
 
I'm thinking about a new battle cry. Maybe "Not in the face! Not in the face!" Any thoughts tiny ad?
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