• Post Reply Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
permaculture forums growies critters building homesteading energy monies living kitchen purity ungarbage community wilderness fiber arts art permaculture artisans regional education experiences global resources the cider press projects digital market permies.com all forums
this forum made possible by our volunteer staff, including ...
master stewards:
  • Nicole Alderman
  • r ranson
  • paul wheaton
  • Burra Maluca
stewards:
  • Jocelyn Campbell
  • Miles Flansburg
  • Devaka Cooray
garden masters:
  • Dave Burton
  • Anne Miller
  • Daron Williams
  • Greg Martin
gardeners:
  • Joseph Lofthouse
  • James Freyr
  • Bryant RedHawk

jokes  RSS feed

 
Posts: 139
8
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
And if that last video wasn't raunchy enough.

4 nuns die in a road accident and go up to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

"I have to ask you something" he says to the first nun.
"Have you ever touched a penis?"

"Well" says the first nun "just once, I was a nurse, I had to do it, but I only used the tip of my finger"
"OK" replies St. Peter "Wash your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven"

He asks the second nun the same question.
She shuffles her feet and says "Just once, with the palm of my hand"
"Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven"

Just then the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.
"Excuse me!" says St. Peter "Can't you just wait your turn?"
The fourth nun angrily replies
"I'm not gargling with that, after she's had her ass in it!"
 
gardener
Posts: 835
Location: western pennsylvania zone 5/a
54
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate
that kind of language in this bank."So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him
about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says; "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open
a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?
 
gardener
Posts: 2790
Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
544
books food preservation hunting solar trees woodworking
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I just learned Dec 23rd is also called Christmas Adam.  

Christmas Adam always comes before Christmas Eve and is generally unsatisfying.
 
garden master
Posts: 492
Location: Maine, zone 5
82
food preservation forest garden homestead solar trees wood heat
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Three engineers and three mathematicians are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three mathematicians each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a mathematician.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The mathematicians take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the mathematicians decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed mathematician.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a engineer.
When they board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the mathematicians are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 
Greg Martin
garden master
Posts: 492
Location: Maine, zone 5
82
food preservation forest garden homestead solar trees wood heat
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A wife asks her husband, an engineer, "Darling, can you please go to the shop buy one pint of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen!"
Off he goes. Half an hour later the husband returns with 12 pints of milk.
His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?"
"Well… they had eggs" he replied.
 
Greg Martin
garden master
Posts: 492
Location: Maine, zone 5
82
food preservation forest garden homestead solar trees wood heat
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
 
Greg Martin
garden master
Posts: 492
Location: Maine, zone 5
82
food preservation forest garden homestead solar trees wood heat
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Yes, you guessed correctly....Greg is an engineer!  (the middle one was my favorite, btw)
 
Mike Jay
gardener
Posts: 2790
Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
544
books food preservation hunting solar trees woodworking
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Poop jokes aren't my favorite.  But they're a solid number two.
 
Greg Martin
garden master
Posts: 492
Location: Maine, zone 5
82
food preservation forest garden homestead solar trees wood heat
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Mike, this joke is your fault!!!

If you start pooping just before midnight and finish just after it's the same shit, different day.
 
We don't have time for this. We've gotta save the moon! Or check this out:
Wildlife Web Kickstarter: Participate in the Web of Life
https://permies.com/t/100598/Wildlife-Web-Kickstarter-Participate-Web
  • Post Reply Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
Boost this thread!