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Landon Sunrich
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paul wheaton wrote:If you mulch it instead of water it, it will grow faster.


That's not a joke!

 
Dave Burton
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PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals
 
Dave Burton
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Maybe this isn't a joke, but I thought it was funny. It is a true account of what happened to me this morning. I learned that I have very good crow-speak. I woke my family this morning by caw-ing.

i rarely remember my dreams, but this one was so vivid that I actually interacted with it. In the dream, it was just about the same as our world except that people could talk to crows, and crows were functioning and accepted members of our society. One crow had been hired to protect our house, and when I returned from school or the groceries or something, I don't know, but I had a little wad of money in my hand. When I walked up to open the door, the crow flew down at me and tried to grab the money from my hand, and I started caw-ing at him/her. That's when I woke up to find I was clenching part of bed sheet the way one would hold a little bit of cash, and I heard the last caw leave my mouth which I promptly covered with the bed sheet in a feeble attempt to muffle the sound.

Apparently, my caw was very realistic. I was quite in character for my dream world because my mom actually believed it was a real crow and went back to bed. When I had breakfast, I started giggling to myself because I was so entertained by the surprise I felt when I woke up to hear myself caw-ing. Then, my mom confirmed that she heard a loud caw-caw early early in the morning. I'm still laughing.

I'm horrible like this. I can live on tiny moments like this forever, and then, I have to explain myself to other people why I'm laughing at things that aren't funny. I'm replaying other things in my mind to keep myself happy and parodying the present. Like, I was helping my parents enter an address on the GPS, and the song Dirty Laundry was playing. All I could think in my head, was "Dirty laundry, dirty laundry going in the washer"
 
Dale Hodgins
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Jocelyn Campbell
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Oh my. I just ran across this. It seems the vlog brothers have a few videos like this. Too much fun.

 
Miles Flansburg
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My wonderful children showed me these the other day. I gotta get them off of the internet !!



 
paul wheaton
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A DEA officer stopped at my farm: "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs."
I said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there....."
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!"
I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard screaming, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life being chased by my big, old, mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he sure enough would get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran for the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs...
"Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE!!"
 
paul wheaton
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
 
duane hennon
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A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!”

Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?” The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”

Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?” His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”

A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed.

Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”

The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”

The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”

“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him.”

Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”

The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!”

 
paul wheaton
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Hello, my name is Bill Gates and today I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

 
Jane Abbott
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An older well dressed man is out on the golf course, playing what seems to be the worse game he has ever played.
On the 8th hole he slices the ball deep into a wooded area, and that being his last ball trudges into the brush to look for it.
While searching for his ball he comes across an old woman stirring a boiling cauldron over a small fire.
the woman said to him "why do you look so troubled?"
Frustrated at his game and not finding his ball he tells the woman about his game and loosing his last ball.
The woman said to the man "I have a potion in my cabin that will fix your golf game, but I warn you it will effect your sex life"
The man chuckles and replies that that isn't a problem at all and he would gladly take the potion. She goes back to cabin, brings back the potion and a handful of golf balls she had gathered from the woods. Before she hands him the potion she cautions him again about the side effects, he brushes her off again and happily leaves with the potion and the golf balls.
The next day he goes out golfing with his buddies, drinks the potion and places a small bet on him having the lowest score, to which his friends all skoff as they have played with him before and gladly ante up and accept the bet.
Well just as promised the potion starts working and he is playing the best round of golf he has ever played and comes in 7 under par ahead of his friends. As they hand over the cash they are all inquiring about who he got his lessons from as he had to have been taking classes behind their back. He assures them he hasn't had a single instruction.
Well the next week the man is still feeling pretty pumped up about his new prowess on the greens and was hanging out at the pro shop looking for someone else he could make a bet with. Sure enough a young man comes in needing a second and the two start off down the fairway.
The first 9 holes are going great and he is well under par, by about the 12th hole his drives are getting a little shorter and he finds himself hooking the ball too far or three putting on the green. Wanting to continue with his lucky streak the next day he returns to the course and purposely slices the ball deep into the wooded area where he had found the old woman the week before.
She was still there stirring away at the ever roiling cauldron.
The man runs up to her "Please, please let me have more of that potion you gave me last week, it's fantastic! I've never played this well even in my youth."
The woman looks questioning at him "But what about your sex life? If you have taken all of the potion already it MUST be affecting you"
"oh, don't worry about my sex life, it's just fine" he says.
"Well now, really this is highly unlikely that it hasn't affected you" " she lowers her voice a bit and asks " So can I ask, um... how often you um have relations?"
"The mans faces blushes slightly, but obliges " Well, usually once a week or so..."
"ONCE a week! that's awful, I will not give you anymore of this potion!"
The man pleads with her for more and says he's fine with once a week.
"No, No, No I just can't agree to this once a week is terrible"
He pleads with her again and tells her really once a week is all he will ever hope to have, after-all being a priest in a small town"
The woman turns around produces two bottles of the potion and the man walks back onto the fairway...
 
duane hennon
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Ten Thoughts To Brighten Your Day

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they’re holding a gun, she's probably mad.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.



 
duane hennon
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A man woke up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained your consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a
huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk
again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.


But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.


If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.


It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man , we're getting new granite counter tops.

 
paul wheaton
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A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting
 
paul wheaton
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A farmer had a large pond in the back 40. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast....
 
paul wheaton
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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
 
duane hennon
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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a
steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of ringing voltage when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 
paul wheaton
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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'
 
Dale Hodgins
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The new Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau is the son of former Prime Minister, Pierre Trudeau.

 Like many of his generation, Justin has found a way to move back into his childhood home, without paying rent.
 
Sean Banks
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Did you hear about the man who died from Viagra?.......................well they couldn't close his casket
 
paul wheaton
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A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
 
Dan Boone
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From the New Yorker, of course.
 
Skip LaCroix
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How many ex-husbands does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they never get the house.
 
Mike Turner
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A farmer was having a problem with the local high school kids jumping his fence and cutting across his pasture as a short cut to a popular local swimming hole until he put up the following notice on his fence.

This pasture is 210 yards wide.
A world record sprinter can run across this pasture in 21 sec.
The bull who lives in this pasture can do it in 15 sec.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
 
Mike Turner
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Some doggerel learned in junior high school from some British students at an international school in the Netherlands in the 1970's that has been bouncing around in my head ever since:

Charlie was a chemist,
Charlie is no more,
What he though as aych two oh,
was aych two ess oh four.
 
paul wheaton
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duane hennon
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I asked my trainer which machine at the gym
I should use to impress beautiful women......
He pointed outside and said "the ATM machine"
 
duane hennon
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the best line I heard about the Rhonda Rousey/Hollie Holm fight

"She's not much of a wrestler, but you should see her box"
 
paul wheaton
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'
 
duane hennon
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Positive Attitude

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the

Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.


He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain.



He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both
arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function — and a beautiful nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.



The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he
was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and
slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the
waist down."



Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

 
paul wheaton
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Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
 
paul wheaton
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My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas ....

She has no idea what it is, but she knows you can do with it. Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
 
paul wheaton
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A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had.
He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.
 
Dale Hodgins
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The owner of a small sawmill near me, gave T shirts to all of his workers. It says, "Gogo's mill, where the men are men and the sheep are nervous. "
Apparently, it's a fun place to work.
 
Dale Hodgins
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duane hennon
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a blind man walks into a female biker bar
he orders a drink and says "does anyone want to hear a blond joke"
the bar suddenly becomes silent
the woman sitting next to him says
"I see that you are blind, so I'm going to warn you before you tell that joke,
the bartender holding a baseball bat is blond
the woman sitting on the other side of you and holding a beer bottle is blonde
the woman behind you with a chair in her hand is blond
I am six foot five and I am a blond
so do you still want to tell that joke?"
the man hesitated for a second and said
"not if I have to spend 5 or 6 minutes explaining it"
 
paul wheaton
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Dale Hodgins
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Nicole Alderman
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Dale Hodgins wrote:Jesus was the first zombie ever mentioned in literature. Spent 3 days walking. Also, by far the most popular character from a sequel. ☺


Nah, there's a lot more "zombies" in the Bible. Lazarus was resurrected after three days in his tomb, and he actually came out still wrapped in burial rags and "he stinketh."
 
brevity is the soul of wit - shakepeare. Tiny ad:
Permaculture Playing Cards by Paul Wheaton and Alexander Ojeda
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