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jokes

 
gardener
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I understand that Marvel comics is coming out with a new superhero by combining  Captain America with the Hulk.  He will be called the Star Spangled Banner.
 
John F Dean
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Do clouds ever look down on us and say, " That one is shaped like an idiot"?
 
Posts: 148
Location: Northeast Oklahoma, Formerly Zone 6b, Now Officially Zone 7
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Imagine if the U.S. suddenly switched from pounds to kilograms, overnight.


There would be mass confusion.  
 
Posts: 96
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How do you drown a hipster?
In the mainstream.

Or if you prefer..

Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
 
John F Dean
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I was going to start working out on a regular basis, but then I realized I would probably be too sexy.
 
Eric Thomas
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I got kicked out of the Flat Earth Club. I asked the group if social distancing had driven anyone over the edge yet.  
 
steward & bricolagier
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A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
 
John F Dean
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Don't  make fun of your partner's  choices. You were one of them.
 
John F Dean
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I finally got out of the house. It was just to mail a couple of letters. The police stopped me. They said it was just a spot check. I confessed to two pimples and a boil.
 
John F Dean
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Swimming is good for you ... especially if you are drowning.
 
John F Dean
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I suffer from Hippopotomonostrosesquippedaliophobia ... the fear of long words.
 
Heather Olivia
Posts: 96
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Why shouldn't you change clothes in front of your Pokemon?

Because it might Pikachu.
 
master gardener
Posts: 1910
Location: Maine, zone 5
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Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the 'P' is silent.
 
Greg Martin
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It takes guts to be an organ donor.
 
Greg Martin
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What do you call a broken can opener?

A can’t opener.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Two guys walk into a bar.
You'd think at least one of them would've seen it.

 
Pearl Sutton
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A 12 year old kid is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when he approaches a large house. He goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door. The kid tells him he looking for any odd jobs that he can do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch. He asks the kid if he can paint. The kid says, "Sure, I can paint!" "Well, I've been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?" the kid replies."I don't know, say 50 bucks?" "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." The kid pumps his fist in the air and yells "Alright!!"  The man closes the door and walks back inside.

His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the kid and his enthusiasm and then told his wife that the kid agreed to paint the porch for 50 dollars. The astonished wife says, "50 dollars? That porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay him more." "But that's all he said he wanted, and anyway he's just a kid, I don't think he'll do it all!"

10 minutes later, they hear a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the kid stands there and says, "All done!" With a surprised look on his face the man says, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch?!"  "Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."

 
Pearl Sutton
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Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?



Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

 
Pearl Sutton
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A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than to let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice!"

 
John F Dean
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I hate watching football.  Every time the players go into a huddle I think they are talking about me.
 
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic...



in morse code.

- Emo Phillips
 
John F Dean
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Einstein developed a theory about space.  Boy, it was about time too.
 
John F Dean
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Sometime ago, I developed a theory on inertia.  Unfortunately, it never gained momentum.
 
John F Dean
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We have to do something about our educational system.  I can't  believe how many people don't know that an optimist is an eye doctor.
 
John F Dean
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A man is working as a magician on a cruise ship.  It is a great gig except for the captain's  parrot.   You see, after a few shows the bird began to understand how each trick worked. The parrot  would then  shout spoilers during the show.

The girl is under the table!

It's not the same hat!

All the cards are the same!

Then, during one show, the ship sank.

The magician found himself hanging on to a cushion with the captain's parrot on top.  For three days the parrot glared at him without saying  a word.  Finally, the parrot spoke, "OK, I give up.  What did you do with the ship?"
 
John F Dean
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Luke Skywalker asks, " Are we headed in the right direction?"

Yoda responds, "Off course, we are."
 
Greg Martin
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A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
The guy says, "Your light was on."
 
Greg Martin
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A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him, that’s the last thing I need.
 
Greg Martin
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Since social distancing started I haven't had a haircut.  Hell, I haven't even stepped on the scales.  Today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.
Who knew hair weighed so much?!
 
John F Dean
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One of the great under reported tragedies of our era is that every year dozens of people go to mime school ... never to be heard from again.
 
John F Dean
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Two women are at a country club sipping drinks.  One asks, "Have you read Marx?"  The other replies, " I think it is these wicker chairs."
 
John F Dean
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You know, I don't  mind milking cows, but I can do without the smell of the dairy air.
 
John F Dean
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Good news!!  I will be at Barnes and Noble in Evansville, IN doing a book signing from noon to 5:00 ... or whenever they catch me and kick me out.
 
John F Dean
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A truck loaded with Worcestershire Sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan and crashes into a Nissan Qashqal from Massachusetts  injuring two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A witness calls emergency services and is asked what happened. He responds " Its hard to say."
 
Greg Martin
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I lost my mood ring and i don’t know how to feel about it..
 
Greg Martin
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I've started investing in stocks....
beef, chicken, vegetable.....
Someday I hope to be a bouillionaire!!!
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time, because all it does is eat grass. He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time. One day He loses the wrench. He looks every where for it but can't find it.
The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench! The man starts singing "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me".


 
Pearl Sutton
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Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all.

Dumbfounded, the office said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 
In the renaissance, how big were the dinosaurs? Did you have tiny ads?
Greenhouse of the Future ebook - now free for a while
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