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jokes

 
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Ah Pearl.  I'm out of apples.  Those remind me of Lewis Grizzard's humor and writings.
 
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Catherine Windrose wrote:Ah Pearl.  I'm out of apples.  Those remind me of Lewis Grizzard's humor and writings.


I am a fan of Lewis Grizzard, probably why that made me giggle. That and it's questions I'd like to know the answer to. I have persimmon trees and possums, this could be important!!

:D
 
pollinator
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Pearl Sutton wrote:

Catherine Windrose wrote:Ah Pearl.  I'm out of apples.  Those remind me of Lewis Grizzard's humor and writings.


I am a fan of Lewis Grizzard, probably why that made me giggle. That and it's questions I'd like to know the answer to. I have persimmon trees and possums, this could be important!!

:D



Surely, you mean The Great Lewis Grizzard, American by Birth, Southern By the Grave of God, and GO Dawgs!
 
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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.  Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this".  With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a  flash with billowing blue smoke.  Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.  All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no
more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down.  But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year".

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.  He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic erection ever, just as the medicine man promised.  

His wife promptly turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
 

 
Olga Booker
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A woman just gave birth in a hospital.
As soon as she'd recovered, the doctor came to speak to her: "Your baby is in good health, but there is something important I need to tell you..."
The woman became worried. "What's the matter with my baby... please tell me, what's wrong?"
"There is nothing really wrong, but your baby is a little different, he's a hermaphrodite"
"Hermaphrodite???  What is that?"
"Well... it means... that he has... all the equipment of a man and also, that of a woman!"
The woman pales...
"Oh my God!!!  You mean he has a penis and a brain??!"
 
Olga Booker
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.  The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.  Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Seamus O'Reilly from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his photo taken."
 
Pearl Sutton
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Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
 
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One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to go first. As he counted, Pascal ran away scrambling to find a great hiding place. Giddily, he squeezed into a crawl space sure that he would win this time as this was his best hiding spot to date and Newton surely wouldn't find an equal. Newton on the other hand, stood right in front of Einstein, pulled out a piece of chalk and drew a box on the ground of roughly 1x1 meters. Once this was completed, he sat down neatly inside the box and waited for Einstein to finish counting. When Einstein opened his eyes, he of course saw Newton and with a bit of disappointment said “I found you Newton, you lose”... but Newton replied, “On the contrary, you are looking at one Newton over a square meter... Pascal loses!”
 
Pearl Sutton
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I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
 
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never make snow Angels in a dog park
 
Pearl Sutton
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I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
 
Greg Martin
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
 
r ranson
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What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
 
Pearl Sutton
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Why do you call your dog ”I-know-what-you-did”?

I love how many people freak out when I call him.
 
r ranson
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How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey? On the dark side!
 
r ranson
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What did the stamp say to the letter? Stick with me and we'll go places!
 
Greg Martin
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There’s been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There’s nothing left but de Brie.
 
r ranson
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Why are pirates great? They just aaaaaaarrrrr!
 
r ranson
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What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't arrive on time?

One day my prints will come
 
r ranson
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What do snowmen have for breakfast?

Snowflakes
 
Greg Martin
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When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When it becomes fully groan.
 
Pearl Sutton
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The older generation can discount the digital world all they like, but they cannot deny that checking your bank account balance naked in the middle of the night was a much more stressful activity in the good old days.
 
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What goes ha ha ha clonk? A man laughing his head off!
 
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'Doctor, doctor - I keep thinking I'm a piglet!'

'Oh dear....and how long have you felt like this?'

'About a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!'
 
Olga Booker
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She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in. She turned and said: "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought: "This is my lucky day".
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said: "Thanks" and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked: "What was that all about?"
She explained: "The egg timer's broken".
 
pollinator
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Greg Martin wrote:One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek...



Told this one to my engineer husband this morning, knowing he'd like it. I didn't want the punchline to be too obvious so I just said, "Newton sat down and drew at big square around himself on the floor." My husband started laughing and I thought he'd figured it out anyway. He said, "that's totally something Newton would do!" Hahaha- as if they're besties or something. He was looking forward to telling the joke at work. Nice going, Greg. It's going to be mayhem in that office today ;p

For the engineers:

A guy in a hot air balloon is sailing through the mountains, totally lost. He sees another guy down below on a dirt bike, stopped to take in the view, and descends to get his attention.

"Hey! Hey, up here! Can you help me out? I was supposed to meet someone an hour ago, but I have no idea where I am"

The guy on the dirt bike assesses the situation. "Well you're in a hot air balloon, about 15 meters in the air, you're at..." He pulls a GPS unit out of his backpack and reads off the coordinates, "...and you appear to be drifting NNE."

The balloonist says, "Huh, you must be an engineer."

"Yeah, I am! How'd you know?"

" Well, everything you told me is technically accurate, but I have no idea what to do with the information, and I'm still lost!"

The dirt biker says, "Oh, you're a manager."

The guy in the balloon is surprised. "How do you know that?"

"Easy. You don't know where you are, you've made a promise you can't keep, and you're trying to make it my problem."
 
Jan White
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An engineering project is never finished, just abandoned in a usable state
 
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I heard this joke on The Grand Ole Opry about a year ago as told by Mike Snider. My sharing it may not be 100% verbatim but the point comes across.

So last week I took a flight from Nashville to Atlanta, one of those real short flights that's barely an hour long where you hardly get to cruising altitude before coming down for a landing again. I was sitting next to this real pretty young mother with an infant. She was real pleasant and we were chatting during take-off and as we climbed, she undid her blouse and started breast feeding. I guess folks nowadays aren’t shy like they used to be, and I did my best not to be distracted. She fed her child for a moment and then buttoned up her blouse. Twenty minutes later, she undid her blouse again and started feeding her child. I asked “little one must be hungry!” and she replied “oh it’s not that he's hungry, it helps balance the pressure in his eardrums when the plane goes up or down so he’s not uncomfortable”. “Oh ok, well that makes sense!” I thought dang, this whole time I’ve been chewing gum.
 
Olga Booker
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I rear-ended a car this morning …

I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, "I'm NOT f***ing happy!"
So I said, "Which f***ing one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...
 
Greg Martin
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So glad that your husband liked that joke Jan!  I'm never sure if the science/engineering jokes will land or not for others, but Permies offers a great audience.
 
Pearl Sutton
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A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”




Reality is I can always remember the words "crystalline naphthalene," but never "moth balls." Hardware store clerks look at me REALLY weird.
 
Greg Martin
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Continuing the science jokes.....

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.
 
Pearl Sutton
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We are playing science jokes tonight? ok...

Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

:D
 
Greg Martin
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And now for a chemistry poem joke!

Little Johnny took a drink,
Now he shall drink no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Schrödinger was crossing the Mexican/US border illegally when he got caught by Border Patrol. The agent asked a few preliminary questions, and then, suspecting foul play, requested to inspect the trunk of the car. Schrödinger popped it open, and heard the agent say,
"Did you know there is a dead cat in here?" to which Schrödinger replied, "Well, I do now."
 
Greg Martin
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Why do chemists find working with ammonia easy?

Because it’s pretty basic stuff!
 
He loves you so much! And I'm baking the cake! I'm going to put this tiny ad in the cake:
One million tiny ads for $25
https://permies.com/t/94684/million-tiny-ads
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