I was getting ready to leave for work today, but when I opened the door, I saw the Grim Reaper waiting on my step. I knew what was about to happen, so I decided to ask him a question.
"Before you take me, I want to ask, why do you wear that huge hood all the time? Is it to hide your face?"
"No", he answered, "It is actually to hide my hair. With these huge craggly fingers and hands, I cannot groom myself, so it is a mess up there with knots and tangles, so I find it easier to just hide it".
I said "Well, let me do one good deed before I die and fix that". And I immediately went to my bathroom and got out all my brushes and combs and a pair of scissors. Within a few minutes I had his hair straightened out, knot free, and looking sharp!
"As a show of appreciation", he said "I will let you live, this is the best I have felt in decades!" And with that he left.
Relieved, I sat down. Then it struck me...
I just had a brush with death!
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and sat and drank it and he heard a voice. "Nice tie." Nobody was there except him and the bartender. "Really cool shirt, too." He thought he must be losing his mind. "I like your hair that way." He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice." "Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."
It is a summer night and a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...
...A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well,” replied old John, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”
“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.
Student - "I'd like to wash mirrors when I grow up."
Teacher - "What makes you choose that?"
Student - "Well... its a job I could really see myself doing."
"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is." C.S. Lewis
"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
I was speaking with my big farmer neighbor. He went a little out of character and began seeking my opinion on Jack Miller, an old school hippie homesteader who lives down the road from us in a semi collapsed shack. Anyway, my neighbor overheard a conversation going on, and it was Mr Miller in his garden having a full blown conversation with his crops. He would even pause as if waiting for the reply and pick up the conversation again. Of course I was interested. So, this morning I walked out by his place, and there he was sitting out by the pole beans jabbering away. No doubt about it, my neighbor was right. Jack and the beans talk.
We live on Blue Planet that circles a ball of fire. Our Planet is circled by a Golden Moon that moves its oceans. Now tell me that you don’t believe in miracles....Unknown
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like "yes, I see," and "yes, go on," and "I understand."
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand, and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'Holy crap! What happened next?'"
So a lady goes into a carpenter's shop and says, "I've got this antique table that was my grandmothers but it's in bad shape. I'd like to get it refinished. How many days will that take?"
The carpenter gives a smile, "Days? No way. With modern techniques and coating composites, we can refinish that right now while you wait... and we even do three coats!"
Needless to say, she's impressed by the idea and tells the carpenter to give her the works.
Moments later, a sketchy looking individual comes out from the back room with a can of the miracle finish. He appears to have a chip on his shoulder. He's all grumbling about his life and talking trash and complaining the whole time -- scratching himself and spitting tobacco on the floor to boot. But he gets the job done.
After he leaves, she says to herself, "wow, glad to be rid of that guy".
No sooner are the words out of her mouth then the next guy comes in with the slam of a door. This dude makes the first guy seem like prince charming. He's all stomping around and cussing and everything else imaginable. Truth he told she's a little scared even.
But soon the second guy is also done applying his coat of finish and leaves.
She's torn. On the one hand, she's glad to be rid of that guy. On the other, she sees a possible trend, and is concerned how fast this is going downhill. She is afraid to even think what the guy applying the final coat will be like!
To her surprise, the last guy walks in with a beaming smile across her face and greets her pleasantly. "Oh good afternoon, ma'am, so great to see you. Is your chair comfortable enough? Can I get anything for you?" She shakes her head. "Ok, well if I can do anything at all to make your visit more pleasant, just ask. Meanwhile, I think I need to get started. I'm sure your time is valuable."
He applies his coat of finish cheerfully and even whistles a happy tune.
After it's all done she goes to pay the carpenter for the job. "See? Didn't I tell you these modern finishes are great?" he asks.
"Yeah, the finish was great, but those first two guys were terrible. I don't know why you even keep employees like that around."
"Well, I have to. Or haven't you heard... nice guys always finish last."
A man noticed that an old couple eating at Burger King were splitting a small hamburger and small fries. They carefully split the burger and fries down the middle. The man went over to the table and offered to buy them each their own meal, assuming they couldn’t afford two meals. The old man told him that they share absolutely everything with each other and this is how they eat. The man sat back down at his seat. he then noticed that the old man was waiting patiently while the old woman ate her half of the meal. He got back up again and asked them if they were sure he couldn’t buy them another meal. The old man reminded him that they share absolutely everything. But why aren’t you eating together? He asked. The old man said “I’m waiting for the teeth”
Four old guys are walking down a street They turn a corner, and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be gentlemen ?
“There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred, and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment , then at each other
They can't believe their good luck ! They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please.“
They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them They've each had two martinis , and haven't even spent a dollar yet
Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"Well I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place
Every drink costs a dime Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same"
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says
As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people , at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they've been there
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, " Oh yeah , they're retired people from Florida ; they’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price
Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”
Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”