jokes

I once heard of a famous musician who decided one day that he was tired of the blues. He then proceeded off stage in his jeans and returned wearing a kilt.

Yay! 100 pages!

How do two flowers greet each other?

“Hey bud, how’s it growing?”

What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

Odor in the court!

What do you call a bird who plays sad songs on the guitar?

A blues jay.

I got sick at a small hotel in Madrid.
I called the front desk and they told me they had a doctor on staff.
After he made me feel better I told him I was surprised that such a small place had a doctor.
He nodded and said

NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INN PHYSICIAN!!

When I was 10 my mother sent me around the neighborhood to hand out announcements for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I knew he was her favorite twin.

I have learned a neat new thing! I found out I can cut wood into pieces just by looking at it closely!
I hear you scoff in disbelief, but it's true, I saw it with my own eyes!

I'm not sure I like russian dolls... they are so full of themselves.

A few years ago we had quartz countertops installed in our kitchen.  They have so many advantages over other materials, I just wish people would stop taking them for granite.

One of my neighbors was arrested for burying his wife in the basement. He was released. There was no concrete evidence.

I took a picture of my flower.    Now it can photosynthesize.

What is 'out of bounds'?

An exhausted kangaroo!

A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone.  But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride in the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at it. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.” The Newfie promptly answers, "It's a Sitka spruce and contains 383 board feet of lumber."  The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road.  He points at another tree through the passenger door window. and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet." says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?"  Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A yellow cedar, 242 board feet." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office.  He's a little peeved because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know which is the front of the tree?"

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That is the front of the tree," the Newfie states, cocksure. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the heck do you know that's the front of the tree?" The Newfie looks down at his feet, and replies, "Cuz someone took a poop behind it."

He got the job.

When I was in high school my whole family laughed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian. Well, no one is laughing now!

Someone's building a restaurant on Mars!
He says the food will be great, but he is concerned about the lack of atmosphere

What do you call a porcupine interviewing for a job at a balloon factory?

Unemployed.

What goes mwa, ouch!, mwa, ouch?

two porcupines kissing.

Deer: winter is coming, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Did you know there was a Roman emperor that didn't age after 19?
It was Emperor Constant Teen

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…


…then my illegal logging business is a success

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’

The secret to life is to handle every situation like a dog: If you can’t play with it, eat it or bury it, just pee on it and walk away.

I ordered a rack with a dozen ribs, but I only ate the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th and 11th ribs because I really love prime ribs.

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.

I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.

"Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked.

"Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it."

"Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy?"

Did you hear about the big winter storm in New York?
It got so cold that bankers were walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

What did the police officer do when he saw a dog giving birth on the side of the road?

He gave her a ticket for littering.

Me: Do you know the price of a chimney?
My cat: Let me guess, nothing, because it's on the house.
Me: Actually, it's through the roof!

I got bit.

Once, there was a permaculturist whose house was burning down. They waited until the flames had nearly died down, and then called the fire department. When they came, they asked, “Why didn’t you call us earlier?”

“That way you’d have extinguished it too early to make biochar out of it. What a waste of good oak!”

In continuation.

The gardener then immediately began adding compost to the burnt-over house site. When the neighbors came over with their consolations and commiserations, the permaculturist stayed cheerful, telling them, “The problem is the solution! I am going to have, for the first time, a vegetable bed totally free of quackgrass. And the fertility will be immense!”

Three boys see a fire engine with a dog go by and discuss what his job is.
‘Crowd control?’ says one boy.
‘He’s the mascot.’ says the second boy.
The third boy nods sagely: ‘He finds fire hydrants.’

What is the worst thing about materialism?

Running around the house in search of that goshdarn thing you are looking for!

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.
The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the forest animals returned to the wise old tree for advice. This time the wise old tree suggested that the birds swoop down and peck the loggers to disrupt their work day.

This too worked for a while until the loggers hired some falconers to hunt the birds. Soon there were not enough birds to halt their progress so the loggers resumed.

At this point the loggers were getting very close to the wise old tree, so the forest animals came back once more to see what the tree had to say. The wise old tree then suggested that all the squirrels and mice chew through the cables of the loggers' power tools, saws and other equipment so that the tools could no longer cut down the trees. While this did slow the loggers down, they quickly switched to manual saws and axes while their mechanised equipment was repaired and carried on.

The day eventually came where the loggers had reached the wise old tree in the middle of the forest and chopped it down.

Later that night the remaining forest animals sadly visited the dying tree and asked one last time if there was anything they could do to save the rest of the forest.

The tree let out a weak sigh and said "Sorry guys, I'm completely stumped.”