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jokes

 
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What is green, has 6 legs, and if it jumps from a tree, kills you?
A billiard table
 
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What did the heorn say when he delivered a child named Michael?

Drop the Mike!!!
 
Mark A Ferguson
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What did the blanket say when it fell of?

Oh sheet!
 
Mark A Ferguson
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And the last one of the day (I hope)

I bought a couch and the sales person told me that I can fit on it 6 people without any problems.
...
Now where in the world can I find 6 people without problems?
 
master steward
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Raisins are grapes with a sunburn.
 
Jay Angler
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Why shouldn’t you fight with a rain cloud?

It’ll storm out on you.
 
Jay Angler
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If a band is playing music and a thunderstorm hits, who is most likely to get hit by lightning?


The conductor.
 
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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If you see your glass is half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop bitching.
 
steward
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I have a lot of jokes about unemployment but none of them work
 
Mike Haasl
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My wife complained that I don't buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn't realize she sold flowers...
 
Mike Haasl
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I went to the kleptomaniacs anonymous meeting last night but all the seats were taken
 
Mike Haasl
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A plateau is the highest form of flattery
 
Jay Angler
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What do you call it when it starts to rain ducks and chickens?


Seriously fowl weather.
 
Jay Angler
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Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?


Because it’s the clam before the storm.
 
master steward
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Fantastic news!   My New Year’s  Resolution was to lose 10 pounds this year.  I just weighed myself and have only 25 pounds to go.
 
master gardener
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What's a cat's favorite color?

Purrple!
 
gardener
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Son: Mom!, I need something for show and tell at school today!
Mom: The school bus will be here any minute, we don't have time.
Son: But it's really important, I have to have something to show... ahhh... AAHHH... *AAATCHOOO*.... never mind... can I have a plastic bag?


Credit to Bill Watterson for his original version of this.
 
Matt McSpadden
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If someone can actually scare the hell out of you... should you be grateful?
 
Jay Angler
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Why were the rain and the lightning bolt in the news?

Are you sure you want to know? It’s shocking!
 
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What's brown and sticky?



A stick.
 
Christopher Weeks
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A man goes to see a divorce lawyer. “How much do you charge?” he asks. “A thousand dollars for three questions,” replies the lawyer. “Isn’t that a bit steep?” the man asks. “Yes,” replies the lawyer. “Now what’s your third question?”
 
master gardener
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What is the difference between a Rhino and a Bic?

One is heavy, the other is a little lighter.

 
Christopher Weeks
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In the spirit of Matt's joke above:

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it!
 
author & steward
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Why doesn't anybody want to play cards with cats?

Too many CHEETAHs!
 
Christopher Weeks
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As a software guy, I thought this was cute:

The wife of a programmer tells her husband, “Go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
 
Jay Angler
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It all started when...

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Englishman, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, an Ulsterman, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”
 
Jay Angler
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To make up for my last joke...

What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll!


How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.


What do gingerbread men use to make their beds?
Cookie sheets.
 
I was born with webbed fish toes. This tiny ad is my only friend:
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