jokes

What is green, has 6 legs, and if it jumps from a tree, kills you?
A billiard table

What did the heorn say when he delivered a child named Michael?

Drop the Mike!!!

What did the blanket say when it fell of?

Oh sheet!

And the last one of the day (I hope)

I bought a couch and the sales person told me that I can fit on it 6 people without any problems.
...
Now where in the world can I find 6 people without problems?

Raisins are grapes with a sunburn.

Why shouldn’t you fight with a rain cloud?

It’ll storm out on you.

If a band is playing music and a thunderstorm hits, who is most likely to get hit by lightning?


The conductor.

If you see your glass is half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop bitching.

I have a lot of jokes about unemployment but none of them work

My wife complained that I don't buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn't realize she sold flowers...

I went to the kleptomaniacs anonymous meeting last night but all the seats were taken

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

What do you call it when it starts to rain ducks and chickens?


Seriously fowl weather.

Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?


Because it’s the clam before the storm.

Fantastic news!   My New Year’s  Resolution was to lose 10 pounds this year.  I just weighed myself and have only 25 pounds to go.

What's a cat's favorite color?

Purrple!

Son: Mom!, I need something for show and tell at school today!
Mom: The school bus will be here any minute, we don't have time.
Son: But it's really important, I have to have something to show... ahhh... AAHHH... *AAATCHOOO*.... never mind... can I have a plastic bag?


Credit to Bill Watterson for his original version of this.

If someone can actually scare the hell out of you... should you be grateful?

Why were the rain and the lightning bolt in the news?

Are you sure you want to know? It’s shocking!

What's brown and sticky?



A stick.

A man goes to see a divorce lawyer. “How much do you charge?” he asks. “A thousand dollars for three questions,” replies the lawyer. “Isn’t that a bit steep?” the man asks. “Yes,” replies the lawyer. “Now what’s your third question?”

What is the difference between a Rhino and a Bic?

One is heavy, the other is a little lighter.

In the spirit of Matt's joke above:

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it!

Why doesn't anybody want to play cards with cats?

Too many CHEETAHs!

As a software guy, I thought this was cute:

The wife of a programmer tells her husband, “Go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread.

It all started when...

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Englishman, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, an Ulsterman, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

To make up for my last joke...

What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll!


How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.


What do gingerbread men use to make their beds?
Cookie sheets.

Few people know that before he was famous, the late Johnny Cash tried a chip full of salsa served backstage in Possumneck, Mississippi that changed his life. It was spicy and tangy and smoky and so good that he just couldn't get it off of his mind. Unfortunately, there was no jar, no label.
Now, there have been rumors that Johnny had kind of an addictive personality. He would sometimes disappear for days on end. People attributed it to drugs or alcohol. The truth is that he would roam the country searching for the special hot sauce of his dreams. He heard rumors and whispers of the deadly condiment and followed them to countless dead ends. He stopped at every Tex Mex restaurant, truck stop, and Mexican grocery in the South without finding what he sought.
One day he heard tell of an old woman, a witch down in the Mayan peninsula in Mexico whom it was said, made the best salsa in the world! He cancelled his next five gigs and headed south. He rode donkeys, Jeeps and horse drawn wagons. He traversed deserts, mountains and jungles before finally reaching the fabled village where the old bruja lived.
He found and entered the old woman's hut. As luck would have it, she was one of his first big fans, having caught one of his shows at that Holiday Inn in Possumneck, Mississippi while attending a Salsa Aficionado convention where one of her jars of salsa mysteriously disappeared and somehow made its way to a bowl backstage. She consented to sharing her secret recipe with him only after he agreed to write a song for her.
She shared the special Tomatillos grown in Mayan soil. She gave him the seeds from a rare Mexican pepper and showed him the special pan with a rounded bottom, similar to those used in the Far East that she would use to simmer "la lima" or "lime," the source of the salsa's tanginess. He asked her if he could just use his regular flat-bottomed pan but she insisted that he must use the round-bottomed pan.
From this came the inspiration for the lyrics: "Because you're Mayan, I'll wok the lime!"

What did the filtered woodash-and-water solution say to the hot liquid fat, when accused of cheating on her?


Would I lye to you, baby? 0=oD

I need everyone to wish me luck.
I have a meeting later with the bank and if all goes well, I'll be out of debt!
I'm so excited I can hardly put my ski mask on.

What should you do if your soup is too hot?

Add a chilly pepper.


What do you call a band of berries practising music?

A jam session.

Why did the pasta noodle run out of the haunted house?

It was a-fraido!


Why did the man go to the yogurt museum?

To get a little culture.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Research shows 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy.

Me:  I'm going to need a little time off.

Boss:  Why?

Me:  My wife passed away suddenly last night.

Boss:  I'm so sorry!  Take as much time as you need.

Me:  I should be able to return in about 8 years, with good behavior.

Everybody lives three lives.
We all have a public life, we all have our private life, and we all have our secret life.
For instance, have you ever seen me or Batman in the same room??  .................

Being conceived in the back of a Jeep does not make you part Cherokee.

The plane I was on crashed and every single person died.  Thank God I am Married.

A friend and his wife retired to Arizona where the summers have been very hot.
He woke up Saturday in the current heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower, he complained to his wife saying, “It’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this.
What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.
She laughed and said,
"That I married you for your money."
You gotta respect an honest opinion