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jokes

 
gardener
Posts: 1220
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There once was an old man who liked to fish and hunt in the woods. He had a long white hair and beard that reached down to his waist. One day he was very tired, having slept poorly, andended up stumbling into a swamp full of an especially fragrant and beautiful kind of mint. He sat there for a little while, regaining his strength and hoping to get a change of clothes. So as a result he got up and went back home, covered all over and plastered in mud and mint and smelling very pleasantly.

When he got back his family was all asking him, what has gotten over you, what has gotten over you?

The little grandson, a precocious young botanist, exclaimed, It’s hairy woodmint!
 
pollinator
Posts: 920
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
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Do you know what the secret is to having a smoking hot body as a Senior?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Cremation.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 920
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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I'm at that age now that if I'm picking up a hottie at the club..............

that means I'm buying a rotisserie chicken at Costco.
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15617
Location: SW Missouri
11438
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I've got a chicken-proof garden
It's completely impeccable
 
gardener
Posts: 2988
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1532
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Husband - I would not be what I am today, if it were not for my wife.

Wife - Don't you blame me!
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15617
Location: SW Missouri
11438
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Sign on the fish market “We have oysters, shrimp and clams!”
A guy walks in and asks “How much is a dozen oysters?”
“Twelve.”
 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 2988
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1532
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What do you call a soldier who survived pepper spray and mustard gas?

A seasoned veteran!



Thanks to all those who serve.
 
master steward
Posts: 14091
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8385
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What do you get when a giant steps on your house?

Mushrooms.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Iphone cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Ipad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman in the U.S. government," says the cowboy. "Wow, that's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
 
steward
Posts: 3509
Location: Maine, zone 5
2096
8
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My boss wants me to sign up for a 401k, but I keep saying no.
I really want to make her happy, but there's just no way I can run that far.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15617
Location: SW Missouri
11438
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As I get older, some deep thoughts come to me....

As I was looking at my naked body in the mirror the other day, I thought to myself


"I'm going to get thrown out of Ikea in a minute"
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14091
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8385
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What did the seamstress do when she ended up with extra material while making pants?

She pocketed the difference.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?

He just needed a kick in the bud.
 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the flower that never bloomed?

It was a bud omen.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Why do flowers always drive so fast?

They put the petal to the metal.
 
Jay Angler
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What do you call a lizard that repeats itself?

A Gecho
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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What do you call a lizard that tells damaging lies about you?

A slandermander.
 
Jay Angler
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How much does a lizard weigh?

Depends on the scales.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3509
Location: Maine, zone 5
2096
8
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I just read a book about lubricants.
It's non-friction.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3509
Location: Maine, zone 5
2096
8
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When making butter, there is little margarine for error.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3509
Location: Maine, zone 5
2096
8
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(don't judge me, I'm from Maine)

I went to a seafood disco last night....and pulled a mussel.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 920
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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I'm so close to becoming a Billionaire !!!

I have all the zero's, just need a one now !!!
 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 2988
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1532
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What is a llama's favorite drink?

llamanade!
 
Matt McSpadden
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1532
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What is the leading cause of dehydration in children?

Bedtime!
 
Matt McSpadden
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1532
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Who thought it was a good idea to mix games like darts and billiards with alcohol?
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15617
Location: SW Missouri
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The man was left alone with his 2.5 year old daughter while his wife went out. The game was on, so he was pleased that the girl was amusing herself with her new really spiffy tea set she had been given. She came to him with a cup of water and the teapot and creamer and all on the tray, curtsied to him, offered him tea (had seen it on a movie recently.) He drank his "tea" and praised her, then every so often either she brought him another cup of tea, or he'd ask her for one. Kept her occupied so he could watch the game.
When his wife came home, he told her "This is SO CUTE, you have to see this, remember that movie the other night?" He called for a cup of tea, and it was delivered, and curtsied and all. He asked his wife "Isn't that the cutest thing? Why are you laughing?" His wife said "The only water in the house she can reach is the toilet!"
 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1532
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Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?

He won the nobell prize!
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14091
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Why is a flower like the letter “a”?

Because a bee goes after it.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a rose?

A collie-flower!
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14091
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Why do so few bugs live on military bases?

Because of the strict no-fly zones.
 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 2988
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1532
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What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Since flowers die, why do bloomin' idiots last forever?
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15617
Location: SW Missouri
11438
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He said he was fixing the ceiling fan.

She heard a SNAP SNAP here and a SNAP SNAP there
Old MacDonald broke his arm
 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 2988
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1532
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What did the father buffalo say to his son who was headed off to college?

Bye son!
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14091
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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What did the leopard say after finding two quarters and a dime on the ground? “And they say a leopard can't spot his change.”
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Magician: “I can turn this handkerchief into a flower.”

Little boy: “That’s nothing. I can walk down the street and turn into an alley.”
 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 2988
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1532
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I used to play piano by ear... now I use my hands.
 
M Ljin
gardener
Posts: 1220
Location: Zone 5
592
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I sat down with my guitar today to record some new folk songs, but I think something was wrong with the microphone: all I heard when I replayed them was pop.
 
Blood pressure normal? What do I change to get "magnificent"? Maybe this tiny ad?
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