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jokes

 
steward
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A mom decided it was time to clean up her teenage son's room.  Unfortunately she found a bunch of BDSM gear hidden under the bed.

She asked her husband what they should do about it.  He suggested they probably shouldn't spank him.
 
master steward
Posts: 6547
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2309
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Our old town  square makes for some pretty tight turns for semi trucks.  It finally happened. An olive oil tanker crashed  into a tanker hauling red vinegar.  For once, the people in this farming community were well dressed.
 
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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The inventor of the umbrella was just going to call it "brella".
But the inventor hesitated.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster,
champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it
so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 14004
Location: SW Missouri
9473
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Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer.

Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition"
 
master steward
Posts: 11511
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?

She’s definitely plotting something.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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A woman was talking to her friend.  "I think my husband has been cheating on me. I suspect with a woman we both know. How can I find out?"

Her friend said  "Take your husband's phone to that woman's doorstep and see if his wi-fi connects automatically."
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up some medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old motor-cycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said,"Yes, my husband is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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You have $400.
Your daughter texts you she needs $200 and your son texts you he needs $150.
How much money do you have left?
Me: $400 and two unread messages.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Did you hear about the engineer who liked gardening?

He was developing the latest cutting hedge technology.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Why couldn't the crocodile grow any plants?

Because he's not a proper gator.
 
Jay Angler
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
 
Mike Haasl
steward
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Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
4714
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What if soy milk is just Spanish milk introducing itself?
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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A yorkshire vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he'd got it.
He told them to GET LOST  and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy. "GOOD," shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I BLOODY DIDN'T.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Why are adults called grown-ups?
Because we groan when we get up.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Condoms to not guarrantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the womans husband.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Why Iron-man and not
Fe-male.
This joke is not for everyone.
 
Mike Haasl
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I got fired from my quality control job at the M&M factory today for throwing away all the Ws
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up... That's a squat, right?
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I dropped a handful of skittles..
I got a full workout (and the 5 second rule was extended do to the candy coating).
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Who needs a gym.......... I'm going to drop the cookie jar!!
 
gardener
Posts: 1615
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
600
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I don't think these have been shared yet.

A cookie in each hand... that's a balanced diet.

I'm in shape... round is a shape.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

I believe the main difference is one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile.

I could be wrong.  I'm not a zoologist.
 
pollinator
Posts: 136
Location: Northern British Columbia Zone 3
70
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I need to keep an eye on my waist line.  So I make sure it sticks out far enough I can see it.
 
Tim Siemens
pollinator
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Location: Northern British Columbia Zone 3
70
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When is a bicycle not a bicycle?... When it turns in to a driveway.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
 
Jay Angler
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Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all the vegetables?

That's the harvest part.
 
Jay Angler
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.


The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few word on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing.   My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat.   My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

 
steward
Posts: 3383
Location: Maine, zone 5
1918
7
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It's just not worth it to argue with a cactus... they make too many great points.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3383
Location: Maine, zone 5
1918
7
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The bad news is, I dropped my cactus today.

The worse news is that I caught it.
 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 1615
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
600
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Three boys were arguing about who was the best at being good.

Boy 1 - If I am good all week, my parents give me $10 allowance
Boy 2 - Hah, my parents don't have to bribe me like that, I am good all week for only one extra dessert.
Boy 3 - I have you both beat, I'm good for nothing!
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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Bob, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the forest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Bob picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become whiskey, but didn't.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Be safe on the roads out there today.
My car just slid into the Garden Centers parking lot, again.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I'm not totally useless.

I can be used as a bad example.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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What do you call someone who grows plants by watering them with blood?

A phlebotanist!
 
Jay Angler
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."  

The child thought about this for a moment then said, "so why is the groom wearing black?"  
 
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