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jokes

 
John F Dean
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I have found that getting older brings on a number of unexpected challenges.  This week I realized my weight is because of my bulimia.  I am just forgetting to purge.

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
Matt McSpadden
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An actual bumper sticker...


"Honk if you love peace and quiet"

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Matt McSpadden
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What do you call a short mother?

minimum

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Anne Miller
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Three guys were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. One guy pressed his forearm and the beeping sound stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

Then a phone rang. Another guy lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."

The third guy felt rather low-tech so not to be outdone, he had to do something to impress the others. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

As the other looked at him, he said, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTING A FAX!"

Invasive plants are Earth's way of insisting we notice her medicines. Stephen Herrod Buhner
Everyone learns what works by learning what doesn't work. Stephen Herrod Buhner

 
Dennis Barrow
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(A little risque)

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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My sister from out of state dropped by today.  Of course, we got into a conversation about childhood memories.  I told her one of my fondest memories was when Uncle Bill took me out to the middle of the lake and tossed me in to teach me to swim.  It always bothered me that he never visited again.  My sister explained that mother wouldn’t let him come by again, and he wasn’t trying to teach me how to swim.

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged?  I hear they met on the web.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the two florists who got married?

It was an arranged marriage.

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Jay Angler
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My antenna married my neighbor’s antenna.

The wedding was not so good, but the reception was fantastic!

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Dennis Barrow
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If you fill a pinata with ketchup, you never have to host a childrens party again.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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My house is haunted by a chicken.
A poultrygeist.  A fowl spirit.  
I plan to call an eggsorcist to help it cross to the other side.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Judy Bowman
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This one is sadly funny.  Cotton farmer goes to the bank, like he does every year.  Banker asks, “What do you plan to grow?”  Farmer says, “I think I’ll try watermelons this year.”  The farmer has a fantastic crop and a great profit,  all without the help of a government bailout.  Next year, cotton farmer goes to the bank.  Banker, sort of excited, says, “So what are you going to try this year?”  Farmer says, “Cotton.”

South of the Salt Fork

 
Dennis Barrow
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As the year comes to an end, I urge you to take care of yourself and avoid accidents because spare parts for old models like you and I are no longer in stock.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Why did the ghost have to blow his nose?

He had Boo-gers.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I really only wanted to have 10 chickens.
But if God wants it to be 20,
Then 40 it is.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
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What vegetable is cool, but not that cool?
Radish.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
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Therapy is expensive.
Getting lost in the forest and becoming the thing that terrifies the townspeople is free.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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What brand of shoes do chickens wear?

Ree Bok bok bok

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Lead me not into temptation.
Oh, who I am kidding.
Follow me, I know a shortcut.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Maturing is realizing that weekends last longer if you start drinking on Tuesday.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I told my suitcases there won't be any vacations this year.

Now I'm dealing with a bunch of emotional baggage.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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As I walked to my mailbox this morning, I found my chickens standing in a circle beside the road. Then I realized they were having a seance and trying to get to the other side.

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
John F Dean
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A few years ago I got interested in metaphysics, so I enrolled in a course of studies.  I got kicked out because I failed spelling.

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
Jay Angler
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I told a bad chemistry joke once.

It didn't get much of a reaction.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
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Have you heard of the new sport called quiet tennis?

It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Dennis Barrow
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Me:  I wonder if the first french fries were cooked in France.

Wife:  Probably cooked in Greece.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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And on the 8th day, God created seniors.
Most seniors never get enough exercise.
In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their eyeglasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need.
In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch more.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down a lot more times, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

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Jay Angler
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.

Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe they won't bother you for years.

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Jay Angler
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Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

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Matt McSpadden
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Yesterday I saw some sherpa lined socks for sale. That just sounds gross.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Mike Haasl
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I went to a new bar to watch the latest Packers/Bears game.  A patron had his dog with him all outfitted in Packer gear.  Whenever the pack scored he'd bark excitedly and run around the bar.  When the Bears did something good he'd growl.  When the Packers won he ran around barking with a smile on his doggy face for 5 minutes.  I asked the owner what happens when the Bears win?  He said he doesn't know, the dog's only 5 years old.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Dennis Barrow
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Went swimming today.
Took a pee in the deep end.

Lifeguard noticed.

Blew his frikkin' whistle so loud I almost fell in !!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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What do you get when you cross a Dust Bunny with a Spider?

Something that needs to be vacuumed up, but fights back!


Thanks to Pearl Sutton's sense of humour!

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Wright
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Feller crossed a parrot with a wedge tailed eagle. Got a big bird with huge beak and talons that screams POLLY WANT A CRACKER NOW!
 
Jay Wright
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A friend told me that he kept seeing little brown spots in front of his eyes. I asked him if he'd seen an optometrist. He said No- just little brown spots.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Many people ask me why I drink so much wine.

It's actually because I have a genetic condition, whereby my body doesn't produce its own alcohol.

Therefore I have to take supplements.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Wright
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The sign said Beware The Llamas spit.       And they were.
 
Jay Angler
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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

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Dennis Barrow
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Well, I'll never be asked to go caroling at the psychiatric hospital again.
In hindsight, I guess singing,
"Do you hear what I hear" was not a great idea.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
I wish I could be half as happy as this tiny ad!
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