Search...
Home Subscribe
Pie
Home Subscribe
Recent topics Flagged topics Hot topics Best topics
Search...
Search within meaningless drivel Search permies
Advance search Google search
Register / Login
Gardening playing cards kickstarter Green Living Book Oehler complete underground house and green house set Free heat movie Sepp Holzer 3 in 1 Documentaries Farming terracing aquaculture
Permies' kickstarter is live!
click here
  • Post Reply Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
permaculture forums growies critters building homesteading energy monies kitchen purity ungarbage community wilderness fiber arts art permaculture artisans regional education skip experiences global resources cider press projects digital market permies.com pie forums private forums all forums
Gardening playing cards kickstarter berm shed movie permaculture bootcamp sketch with tools Permies Book Reviews Full online Permaculture Design course and Appropriate Technology Course video
this forum made possible by our volunteer staff, including ...
master stewards:
  • Carla Burke
  • Nancy Reading
  • r ranson
  • John F Dean
  • Timothy Norton
  • paul wheaton
  • Jay Angler
stewards:
  • Pearl Sutton
  • Anne Miller
  • Tereza Okava
master gardeners:
  • Christopher Weeks
gardeners:
  • M Ljin
  • Matt McSpadden
  • Megan Palmer

jokes

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7746
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2865
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 1 year ago
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I have found that getting older brings on a number of unexpected challenges.  This week I realized my weight is because of my bulimia.  I am just forgetting to purge.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 2959
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1509
I like...
homeschooling kids trees chicken food preservation building woodworking homestead
posted 1 year ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
An actual bumper sticker...


"Honk if you love peace and quiet"

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 2959
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1509
I like...
homeschooling kids trees chicken food preservation building woodworking homestead
posted 1 year ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What do you call a short mother?

minimum

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Anne Miller
steward
Posts: 17809
Location: USDA Zone 8a
4544
I like...
dog hunting food preservation cooking bee greening the desert
posted 1 year ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Three guys were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. One guy pressed his forearm and the beeping sound stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

Then a phone rang. Another guy lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."

The third guy felt rather low-tech so not to be outdone, he had to do something to impress the others. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

As the other looked at him, he said, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTING A FAX!"

Invasive plants are Earth's way of insisting we notice her medicines. Stephen Herrod Buhner
Everyone learns what works by learning what doesn't work. Stephen Herrod Buhner

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 1 year ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
(A little risque)

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7746
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2865
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 1 year ago
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My sister from out of state dropped by today.  Of course, we got into a conversation about childhood memories.  I told her one of my fondest memories was when Uncle Bill took me out to the middle of the lake and tossed me in to teach me to swim.  It always bothered me that he never visited again.  My sister explained that mother wouldn’t let him come by again, and he wasn’t trying to teach me how to swim.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14009
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8309
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 1 year ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged?  I hear they met on the web.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14009
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8309
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 1 year ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Did you hear about the two florists who got married?

It was an arranged marriage.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14009
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8309
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 1 year ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My antenna married my neighbor’s antenna.

The wedding was not so good, but the reception was fantastic!

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 1 year ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
If you fill a pinata with ketchup, you never have to host a childrens party again.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 1 year ago
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My house is haunted by a chicken.
A poultrygeist.  A fowl spirit.  
I plan to call an eggsorcist to help it cross to the other side.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Judy Bowman
Posts: 152
Location: Southwest Oklahoma, southern Greer County, Zone 7a
20
I like...
goat dog foraging hunting chicken food preservation cooking medical herbs bee greening the desert homestead
posted 1 year ago
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
This one is sadly funny.  Cotton farmer goes to the bank, like he does every year.  Banker asks, “What do you plan to grow?”  Farmer says, “I think I’ll try watermelons this year.”  The farmer has a fantastic crop and a great profit,  all without the help of a government bailout.  Next year, cotton farmer goes to the bank.  Banker, sort of excited, says, “So what are you going to try this year?”  Farmer says, “Cotton.”

South of the Salt Fork

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
As the year comes to an end, I urge you to take care of yourself and avoid accidents because spare parts for old models like you and I are no longer in stock.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Why did the ghost have to blow his nose?

He had Boo-gers.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I really only wanted to have 10 chickens.
But if God wants it to be 20,
Then 40 it is.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3504
Location: Maine, zone 5
2088
8
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What vegetable is cool, but not that cool?
Radish.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Therapy is expensive.
Getting lost in the forest and becoming the thing that terrifies the townspeople is free.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What brand of shoes do chickens wear?

Ree Bok bok bok

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Lead me not into temptation.
Oh, who I am kidding.
Follow me, I know a shortcut.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Maturing is realizing that weekends last longer if you start drinking on Tuesday.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I told my suitcases there won't be any vacations this year.

Now I'm dealing with a bunch of emotional baggage.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7746
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2865
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
As I walked to my mailbox this morning, I found my chickens standing in a circle beside the road. Then I realized they were having a seance and trying to get to the other side.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7746
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2865
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A few years ago I got interested in metaphysics, so I enrolled in a course of studies.  I got kicked out because I failed spelling.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14009
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8309
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I told a bad chemistry joke once.

It didn't get much of a reaction.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14009
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8309
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Have you heard of the new sport called quiet tennis?

It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Me:  I wonder if the first french fries were cooked in France.

Wife:  Probably cooked in Greece.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14009
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8309
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
And on the 8th day, God created seniors.
Most seniors never get enough exercise.
In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their eyeglasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need.
In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch more.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down a lot more times, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14009
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8309
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.

Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe they won't bother you for years.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14009
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8309
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 2959
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1509
I like...
homeschooling kids trees chicken food preservation building woodworking homestead
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Yesterday I saw some sherpa lined socks for sale. That just sounds gross.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Mike Haasl
steward
Posts: 15954
Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
5088
8
I like...
hunting trees books food preservation solar woodworking
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I went to a new bar to watch the latest Packers/Bears game.  A patron had his dog with him all outfitted in Packer gear.  Whenever the pack scored he'd bark excitedly and run around the bar.  When the Bears did something good he'd growl.  When the Packers won he ran around barking with a smile on his doggy face for 5 minutes.  I asked the owner what happens when the Bears win?  He said he doesn't know, the dog's only 5 years old.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 11 months ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Went swimming today.
Took a pee in the deep end.

Lifeguard noticed.

Blew his frikkin' whistle so loud I almost fell in !!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14009
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8309
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 10 months ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What do you get when you cross a Dust Bunny with a Spider?

Something that needs to be vacuumed up, but fights back!


Thanks to Pearl Sutton's sense of humour!

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Wright
Posts: 136
39
posted 10 months ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Feller crossed a parrot with a wedge tailed eagle. Got a big bird with huge beak and talons that screams POLLY WANT A CRACKER NOW!
 
Jay Wright
Posts: 136
39
posted 10 months ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A friend told me that he kept seeing little brown spots in front of his eyes. I asked him if he'd seen an optometrist. He said No- just little brown spots.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 10 months ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Many people ask me why I drink so much wine.

It's actually because I have a genetic condition, whereby my body doesn't produce its own alcohol.

Therefore I have to take supplements.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Wright
Posts: 136
39
posted 10 months ago
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The sign said Beware The Llamas spit.       And they were.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14009
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8309
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 10 months ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 10 months ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Well, I'll never be asked to go caroling at the psychiatric hospital again.
In hindsight, I guess singing,
"Do you hear what I hear" was not a great idea.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Die Fledermaus does not fear such a tiny ad:
The new gardening playing cards kickstarter is now live!
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards
reply
reply
    Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
Boost this thread!
Similar Threads
More...