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jokes

 
steward
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What do you get when you cross a snake with a tasty dessert?

A pie-thon!
 
Jay Angler
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Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads. As we zoomed along, I noticed a three-legged chicken keeping pace with me. I slowed to get a better look at the speedster when it turned and went down a dirt road.

I stopped, turned around and followed it. After a short ride, we came upon a house with an older couple sitting on the porch and dozens of three-legged chickens in the yard. I asked them, “Are these your chickens? They’re the fastest I’ve ever seen.”

The old man said, “Yep.”

So I asked him where they came from, and he replied, “When the kids were younger, they always fought over the chicken legs, so we decided to breed a three-legged chicken.”

I nodded and said, “Well, they are fast, but what do they taste like?”

He admitted, “Not rightly sure; we never could catch one.”
 
pollinator
Posts: 887
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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CAUTION!!
I've lost my mind.
If you happen to find it,
don't play with it.
It's deranged and extremely dirty!
 
Rusticator
Posts: 8987
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4814
6
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An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.
"Look what you did to my car" he yells.
"You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money.
Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp."
"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....
NOT dolphins!"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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My roommate in college once asked me, "how do we know there is no oxygen on the moon?"
I was astonished at such a naive question coming from a university student!
"Well of course there is no oxygen on the moon!" I replied.
"If there were, the cheese would have gone bad by now."
Honestly, some people can be so dense...
 
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I received a marriage invitation. In the end was printed: "Your presence itself is a gift. We don't want any gifts at the marriage"
I read it again and again. Was getting confused...








I finally came to the conclusion that i am not invited, and decided not to attend.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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My ducks are absolutely not in a row.
I don't even know where some of them are.
And I am sure one of them is a pigeon.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I suggested to my wife we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So she walked over to me at the bar and said:  "Can I buy you a drink, handsome?"
I replied: "Get lost, I'm not falling for that again!"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.
The bartender says: "You know you are in here often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse says: "I don't think I am..." and promply vanishes from existence.
See, this is a joke about Decartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am"
But if I had explained that before the joke, it would have been putting Decartes before the horse.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I've gotten out of bed 365 days a year for like 70 years.
That's 25,550 sit ups and not 1 ab to show for it.
 
Jay Angler
steward
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Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell?
He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
 
Jay Angler
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It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed.

Nobody wants a loyal snake.
 
Jay Angler
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An elderly woman died last month.

Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15187
Location: SW Missouri
10853
2
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I just dropped a beautiful engraved, hardback, vintage copy of “A Christmas Carol” on my foot.
It hurts like the dickens!
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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10853
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I invented a new game called Silent Tennis.
It’s like regular tennis, but without the racquet.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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511
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Some people are wise, some are otherwise.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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How come other characters in the Star Wars movies had last names, but not Yoda?

He did have a last name.


He did?  In which movie?

They ended up cutting it out.

What was it?

LayHeeHoo.

 
master gardener
Posts: 4103
Location: Carlton County, Minnesota, USA: 3b; Dfb; sandy loam; in the woods
2034
6
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If R2 is short for R2-D2, Chewie is short for Chewbacca, and Ani is short for Anakin, what's Luke short for?

A stormtrooper!
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Amal and Juan are identicle twins.
Their mom only carries one photo, because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.

I heard this through the grape vine...
 
gardener
Posts: 525
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
315
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(Just saw a good one on twitter...)

Being a child is:
you hear a noise in the house and you're afraid it may be a ghost.

Being an adult is:
you hear a noise in the house and you hope it IS a ghost... because you can't afford any more repairs this month.
 
Jay Angler
steward
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Teen 1: Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together??
Teen 2: OMg!
 
Jay Angler
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A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, is this stool taken?”
 
Jay Angler
steward
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They have just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I'm a pessimistic optimist.  
My glass is half full, but WHO the HECK drank my first half?
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Not feeling well, I put my symptoms into WebMD.  Turns out I am just old.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I got an email today on how to read maps backwards, but it turned out to be spam.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Me:  How much for the angry lawn gnome?

Yard sale lady:  That's my toddler.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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FUN FACT:  Records show Julius Caesar never once said "thank you" in his life.
This is most likely due to the fact he couldn't speak English.
 
gardener
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2095
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.
FB_IMG_1689110089435.jpg
[Thumbnail for FB_IMG_1689110089435.jpg]
FB_IMG_1689122267619.jpg
[Thumbnail for FB_IMG_1689122267619.jpg]
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I see trees of green,
green trees there too,
I see the trees and they are green
and I think to myself,
I am lost in these woods.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.
So now I am sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.
 
Jay Angler
steward
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A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He, too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote down the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”
 
Jay Angler
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What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium.
 
Jay Angler
steward
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Do you like synonym buns?

Only if they are like grammar used to make.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I always give 100% at work:
Monday    11%
Tuesday    24%
Wednesday   40%
Thursday    23%
Friday   2%
 
Christopher Weeks
master gardener
Posts: 4103
Location: Carlton County, Minnesota, USA: 3b; Dfb; sandy loam; in the woods
2034
6
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A mobius strip walks into a bar looking distraught. The bartender asks it why so sad.

The mobius strip replies, "Where do I begin?"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I tried to send a smoke signal yesterday, but all the skies were busy.
 
Arch enemy? I mean, I don't like you, but I don't think you qualify as "arch enemy". Here, try this tiny ad:
6 Rocket Builds - 3d Plans - Free Heat Bundle
https://permies.com/t/193434/Rocket-Builds-Plans-Free-Heat
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