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jokes

 
Anne Miller
steward
Posts: 18180
Location: USDA Zone 8a
4627
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A commercial airline requested an emergency landing.

When the plane landed it was met by a swat team with guns pointed at the Plane.

When the captain of the plane asked what was going on he was told that there was a message that there were 20 terrorists with guns.

The captain said that was not right.

The message was 20 tourists with runs!

Invasive plants are Earth's way of insisting we notice her medicines. Stephen Herrod Buhner
Everyone learns what works by learning what doesn't work. Stephen Herrod Buhner

 
Ned Harr
pollinator
Posts: 380
Location: Klumbis Oh Hah, Zone 6
138
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Q: What do wild-eyed survivalists like on their pizza?

A: Prepperoni
 
Ned Harr
pollinator
Posts: 380
Location: Klumbis Oh Hah, Zone 6
138
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I made my kids groan today with this one:

Q: What makeup do you wear on Halloween?

A: Mascare-ya
 
Ned Harr
pollinator
Posts: 380
Location: Klumbis Oh Hah, Zone 6
138
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DAVE: Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
HAL: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
DAVE: What's the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
DAVE: What are you talking about, Hal?
HAL: You are a good person, but in a universe governed by a just and righteous God, bad things still happen to good people. This conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

-dialog taken from the movie "2001: A Space Theodicy"
 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 3078
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1614
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What do lazy dogs do for fun?

They chase parked cars!





Taken from a screenshot of a meme of a sign of a post of a whatever....

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Pete Podurgiel
gardener
Posts: 317
Location: S. New England
186
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A pirate walks in a bar.

Bartender:"Captain, how did you get that peg leg?"
Pirate: "A mighty shark bit it off"

Bartender: "And Captain, how did you come to have a hook for a hand?"
Pirate: "Some scurvy dog hacked it off but I sent him to Davy Jone's locker with my sword"

Bartender: "And that eye patch, Captain. How did you lose your eye?"
Pirate: "A seagull pooped in my eye."

Bartender: "I didn't know seagull poop made you blind"
Pirate: "It doesn't , it was my first day with the hook."

Om is where the heart is.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 921
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
526
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I was offered sex today with a Victoria Secrets model.  In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some type of bathroom cleaner on my Facebook page.  
Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards and strong will power.  
Just as strong a Ajax, the incredibly strong bathroom cleanser.  Now available in lemon and vanilla scent.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3533
Location: Maine, zone 5
2132
8
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Why does it take forever for pirates to recite the alphabet?

They spend years at C.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14434
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8700
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On the snow day, what did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?

"You hang around, while I go on ahead."

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
master steward
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8700
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Why do people always eat clam chowder at seaside restaurants?

They feel pier pressure to order it!

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Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14434
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8700
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Did you know that split pea soup is a bit of a hippie?

It always wants peas, not war!

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 921
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
526
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I accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick.

She's still not talking to me.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Cam Haslehurst
gardener
Posts: 461
Location: Northern Ontario, Canada
317
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Here are two original jokes. I came up with the first one, and my girlfriend thought of the second one.

1. What do you say to your friend when you call them during an earthquake?

"Hey, what's shaking?"

2. What do you call it when you're in love with someone because of their farts?

Inflatulation!



My journal documenting my time living on the Stone Baerm Homestead in summer 2021: https://permies.com/t/160807/Stone-Baerm-Adventures

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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526
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Grandpa to his grandkid:  "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today"

Grandkid to grandpa:  "You go hide, I told her you passed away!"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 921
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526
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Unfortunately, this past week, we have encountered  an individual refusing to pay our invoice.
In this house alone, we have
Fitted
Smoke alarms
Outside lights
Mounted this TV
Fitted internal lights
CCTV
We even fitted the integrated fridge freezer!
The customer in question seems to think she is entitled not to pay, Her response was, "I'm your wife. Go away!" 🤔  
I'm not sure how far I'll get with small Claims Court 🤣
Any and all advice welcome!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 921
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
526
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Great hide and seek players are hard to find.

I married my wife for her looks........... but not the ones I have been getting lately.

I wear memory foam insoles to remember why I walked into the next room.

My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list..... now I can't read anything!

Taking steps to overcome my hiking addiction........... I'm not out of the woods yet.

Fruit farmers eat what they can and can what they can't.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14434
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8700
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Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry, so they open a florist shop. Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly booming.

The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop, but they refuse. A month later the florist begs the friars to close because he’s having trouble feeding his family. Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert.

Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to “persuade” the friars to close. Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop. When they refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out of them and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close. This proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

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Jay Angler
master steward
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What’s a chemist’s favourite type of dog?

A Laboratory retriever.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
master steward
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8700
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If a tree farm is planted next to a cornfield and over time grows to steal sunlight from the cornfield, would that be farmed robbery?

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8013
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3020
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I once tried to date a girl who knew only 4 vowels, but she didn’t know I existed.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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As a matter of fact, I a not being bossy.  I am simply being aggressively helpful.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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3020
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I have a big knot on my head. My wife and I have been together just shy of 50 years, and I still don’t understand her.  Yesterday morning she woke up and she told me she had dreamed I gave he an emerald necklace. Then she asked me what I thought it meant. Well, I know nothing about dreams, and I wanted her to stop bugging be, so I told her she would figure it out the next morning.  Anyway, the next morning I laid my wrapped gift to her by her side of the bed.   When she saw it, she squealed with delight. Then when she opened it, she threw it at me.  I thought she would enjoy a book called “How To Interpret  Dreams.”

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Why should you never expect clam chowder to help you out in a jam?

Because it’s a shellfish soup!

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
master steward
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Did you hear the joke about cobalt, radon, and yttrium?

It was CoRnY.


Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
master steward
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The A priest and a pastor stood near a sharp curve on a busy road holding signs. “The end is near!” read the priest’s sign, while the pastor’s warned, “Turn around before it’s too late!”

As he passed by, a jerk in a sports car yelled “Idiots!” and shook his head. Then he blasted his horn, raised one finger and stomped on the gas. Moments later the clerics heard the sound of screeching tires, followed by a big splash.

The priest turned to the pastor and said, “Maybe we should change our signs to ‘Bridge Out’.”

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8013
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3020
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The weather finally cleared up enough that I felt comfortable doing a thorough check on my bees. They were doing great, except they were a little sticky to the touch.   I finally realized they were using honeycombs.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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3020
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I flew into St.Louis a couple of months ago, but my suitcase didn’t.   The airline claimed it was my fault, and I claimed it was their fault. Anyway, when I took the matter to small claims court, the ruling was that I lost my case.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
J Garlits
gardener
Posts: 514
Location: Wabash, Indiana, Zone 6a
250
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Two boots were wandering around on Paul's property, pretty far away from everything during some free time. They came upon this huge hole in the ground, like an old abandoned well or something. Both of them peered in and then one of them grabbed a rock and tossed it in. They listened and listened and listened, and never heard it hit the bottom.

"That's a really deep hole," one said to the other.

The other one grabbed a big stick and threw it in. They listened and listened, but it never made a sound.

"That's got to be the deepest hole in the world," the other one said.

They made a mental note to remember where the place was and then turned to head back when they saw a very large, very brightly colored boulder. It was fairly round. They looked at each other and the one asked, "think we should?" The other one responded by putting his back against the rock and pushing as hard as he could with his legs. With both of them exerting all their effort, pushing and rolling, they got the boulder to the edge of the big hole and with a final shove it rolled over the edge and down it went. They both listened and listened...

...Then they both heard a loud whistling noise getting closer and closer, and when they looked up the saw a big goat running toward them with his horns lowered ready to strike. Both of the good old boys dove out of the way at the last second and that goat jumped right into the hole and down he went. And never. Made. A sound.

About that time, Paul drove up and asked them what they were doing.

"Well, we was taking a walk and discovered this big hole in the ground. I threw a rock in it and it went down and down and never hit the bottom," the one said.

"And seeing as how it didn't make a sound, I grabbed a piece of wood and threw it in and we both listened and listened, but it never hit the bottom either," he said in amazement.

"Right about then," the first one continued, "we hear this whistlin' sound zip-zap-zoom here come this big old goat with his horns tucked bearin' down on us with all his malice and of course we jumped outta the way, and he 'ist dove right into that hole and down he went, and never hit the bottom!"

Paul looked at both of them like they were from another planet...

"I know you're both lying," he said, "because I had that old goat firmly tied up with a rope to this big old boulder..."

j

Passionate advocate for living at a human scale and pace.
Help me grow the permaculture presence in Indiana https://permies.com/t/243107
Concise Guide to Permies' Publishing Standards: https://permies.com/wiki/220744

 
Cam Haslehurst
gardener
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I came up with another joke.

For context: At work, we were talking about bacon chocolate chip cookies. I tried one, and they were very good! We were talking about how some people are hard-core, and they actually sub bacon fat for butter in the recipe.

One of my co-workers said, "Imagine how long it'd take to save up that much bacon grease!"

It clicked in my head immediately.

What do you call the container that you're saving bacon grease in to make bacon chocolate chip cookies with?

A piggy bank!


My journal documenting my time living on the Stone Baerm Homestead in summer 2021: https://permies.com/t/160807/Stone-Baerm-Adventures

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Location: SW Missouri
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I saw a discussion about how cats can be used to protect chickens.
This has of course been long employed in Asia where a Tibetan branch of Shaolin monks recruit and train cats for this purpose in a temple called Kat-kan-du.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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Nails are sold by the pound... that makes sense.




I just read this on Kenneth Elwell's signature. It made me laugh, so I had to share.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Jay Angler
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Why is artichoke dip the most loving appetizer?

Because it is all heart!

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
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A businessman ordered flowers to be sent to the opening of his friend’s new branch office. When the businessman got there, he was shocked to see the flowers with the inscription. “Rest In Peace.” He was so outraged that he stopped at the florist to complain.

“It could be worse,” the florist said, “Just think: Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with the inscription. ‘Congratulations on Your New Location!’ ”

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John F Dean
master steward
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So I stop by my local liquor store and the owner is talking about his trip to Ireland. It seems he really enjoyed it. Then he pulls  out a large stone and tells me he returned from Ireland with it.   As I look out the window of his place, I realize his parking lot is lined with similar stones.  Yep, I suspect it was a sham rock.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8013
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It’s 9 am, and I am still in zombie mode.  I am going to send a third cup of coffee down to find out why the first 2 aren’t working.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Matt McSpadden
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Bad spellers untie!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
John F Dean
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Back in the day I was riding with a friend in his car in the back woods of Kentucky, and we were running low on fuel.  This was when self service didn’t exist at gas stations. When we pulled in to one place, old attendant ran out waving his arms yelling “ Go away.  We don’t want no Antii Christ here!”   Of course, we drove off and stopped at another station a few miles down the road without incident.  As the attendant was pumping the gas, I walked around the car and saw the problem. It was the bumper sticker that said, “ Anarchists Unite!”



My apologies if I posted this several years ago.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
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I ran into this neat exercise routine that really seems to work.   First just hold your arms out from your sides for one full minute. Repeat this daily until you are ready to repeat this with a 5 pound potato bag in each hand; after a couple of weeks move up yo a 10 pound potato bag and then a 25 pound potato bag. Now once you feel you have the confidence, put a potato in each bag.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
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One way to really tick off a pirate is to take away the P.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Every plan is a little cooler if you have a blimp. And a tiny ad.
Homestead Pigs Course
https://permies.com/wiki/365748/Homestead-Pigs
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