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jokes

 
master steward
Posts: 14899
Location: USDA Zone 8a
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A commercial airline requested an emergency landing.

When the plane landed it was met by a swat team with guns pointed at the Plane.

When the captain of the plane asked what was going on he was told that there was a message that there were 20 terrorists with guns.

The captain said that was not right.

The message was 20 tourists with runs!
 
pollinator
Posts: 252
Location: Klumbis Oh Hah, Zone 6
73
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Q: What do wild-eyed survivalists like on their pizza?

A: Prepperoni
 
Ned Harr
pollinator
Posts: 252
Location: Klumbis Oh Hah, Zone 6
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I made my kids groan today with this one:

Q: What makeup do you wear on Halloween?

A: Mascare-ya
 
Ned Harr
pollinator
Posts: 252
Location: Klumbis Oh Hah, Zone 6
73
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DAVE: Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
HAL: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
DAVE: What's the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
DAVE: What are you talking about, Hal?
HAL: You are a good person, but in a universe governed by a just and righteous God, bad things still happen to good people. This conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

-dialog taken from the movie "2001: A Space Theodicy"
 
gardener
Posts: 1497
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
543
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What do lazy dogs do for fun?

They chase parked cars!





Taken from a screenshot of a meme of a sign of a post of a whatever....
 
pollinator
Posts: 206
Location: S. New England
97
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A pirate walks in a bar.

Bartender:"Captain, how did you get that peg leg?"
Pirate: "A mighty shark bit it off"

Bartender: "And Captain, how did you come to have a hook for a hand?"
Pirate: "Some scurvy dog hacked it off but I sent him to Davy Jone's locker with my sword"

Bartender: "And that eye patch, Captain. How did you lose your eye?"
Pirate: "A seagull pooped in my eye."

Bartender: "I didn't know seagull poop made you blind"
Pirate: "It doesn't , it was my first day with the hook."
 
pollinator
Posts: 783
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
477
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I was offered sex today with a Victoria Secrets model.  In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some type of bathroom cleaner on my Facebook page.  
Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards and strong will power.  
Just as strong a Ajax, the incredibly strong bathroom cleanser.  Now available in lemon and vanilla scent.
 
steward
Posts: 3373
Location: Maine, zone 5
1915
7
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Why does it take forever for pirates to recite the alphabet?

They spend years at C.
 
master steward
Posts: 11236
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
6234
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
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On the snow day, what did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?

"You hang around, while I go on ahead."
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 11236
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Why do people always eat clam chowder at seaside restaurants?

They feel pier pressure to order it!
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Did you know that split pea soup is a bit of a hippie?

It always wants peas, not war!
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 783
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
477
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I accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick.

She's still not talking to me.
 
gardener
Posts: 461
Location: Northern Ontario, Canada
316
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Here are two original jokes. I came up with the first one, and my girlfriend thought of the second one.

1. What do you say to your friend when you call them during an earthquake?

"Hey, what's shaking?"

2. What do you call it when you're in love with someone because of their farts?

Inflatulation!


 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 783
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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Grandpa to his grandkid:  "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today"

Grandkid to grandpa:  "You go hide, I told her you passed away!"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 783
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
477
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Unfortunately, this past week, we have encountered  an individual refusing to pay our invoice.
In this house alone, we have
Fitted
Smoke alarms
Outside lights
Mounted this TV
Fitted internal lights
CCTV
We even fitted the integrated fridge freezer!
The customer in question seems to think she is entitled not to pay, Her response was, "I'm your wife. Go away!" 🤔  
I'm not sure how far I'll get with small Claims Court 🤣
Any and all advice welcome!
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 783
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
477
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
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Great hide and seek players are hard to find.

I married my wife for her looks........... but not the ones I have been getting lately.

I wear memory foam insoles to remember why I walked into the next room.

My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list..... now I can't read anything!

Taking steps to overcome my hiking addiction........... I'm not out of the woods yet.

Fruit farmers eat what they can and can what they can't.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 11236
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
6234
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Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry, so they open a florist shop. Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly booming.

The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop, but they refuse. A month later the florist begs the friars to close because he’s having trouble feeding his family. Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert.

Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to “persuade” the friars to close. Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop. When they refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out of them and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close. This proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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What’s a chemist’s favourite type of dog?

A Laboratory retriever.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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If a tree farm is planted next to a cornfield and over time grows to steal sunlight from the cornfield, would that be farmed robbery?
 
master steward
Posts: 6468
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2275
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I once tried to date a girl who knew only 4 vowels, but she didn’t know I existed.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 6468
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2275
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As a matter of fact, I a not being bossy.  I am simply being aggressively helpful.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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2275
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I have a big knot on my head. My wife and I have been together just shy of 50 years, and I still don’t understand her.  Yesterday morning she woke up and she told me she had dreamed I gave he an emerald necklace. Then she asked me what I thought it meant. Well, I know nothing about dreams, and I wanted her to stop bugging be, so I told her she would figure it out the next morning.  Anyway, the next morning I laid my wrapped gift to her by her side of the bed.   When she saw it, she squealed with delight. Then when she opened it, she threw it at me.  I thought she would enjoy a book called “How To Interpret  Dreams.”
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Why should you never expect clam chowder to help you out in a jam?

Because it’s a shellfish soup!
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Did you hear the joke about cobalt, radon, and yttrium?

It was CoRnY.


 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 11236
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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The A priest and a pastor stood near a sharp curve on a busy road holding signs. “The end is near!” read the priest’s sign, while the pastor’s warned, “Turn around before it’s too late!”

As he passed by, a jerk in a sports car yelled “Idiots!” and shook his head. Then he blasted his horn, raised one finger and stomped on the gas. Moments later the clerics heard the sound of screeching tires, followed by a big splash.

The priest turned to the pastor and said, “Maybe we should change our signs to ‘Bridge Out’.”
 
John F Dean
master steward
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2275
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The weather finally cleared up enough that I felt comfortable doing a thorough check on my bees. They were doing great, except they were a little sticky to the touch.   I finally realized they were using honeycombs.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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Location: southern Illinois, USA
2275
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I flew into St.Louis a couple of months ago, but my suitcase didn’t.   The airline claimed it was my fault, and I claimed it was their fault. Anyway, when I took the matter to small claims court, the ruling was that I lost my case.
 
master pollinator
Posts: 492
Location: Wabash, Indiana, Zone 6a
225
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Two boots were wandering around on Paul's property, pretty far away from everything during some free time. They came upon this huge hole in the ground, like an old abandoned well or something. Both of them peered in and then one of them grabbed a rock and tossed it in. They listened and listened and listened, and never heard it hit the bottom.

"That's a really deep hole," one said to the other.

The other one grabbed a big stick and threw it in. They listened and listened, but it never made a sound.

"That's got to be the deepest hole in the world," the other one said.

They made a mental note to remember where the place was and then turned to head back when they saw a very large, very brightly colored boulder. It was fairly round. They looked at each other and the one asked, "think we should?" The other one responded by putting his back against the rock and pushing as hard as he could with his legs. With both of them exerting all their effort, pushing and rolling, they got the boulder to the edge of the big hole and with a final shove it rolled over the edge and down it went. They both listened and listened...

...Then they both heard a loud whistling noise getting closer and closer, and when they looked up the saw a big goat running toward them with his horns lowered ready to strike. Both of the good old boys dove out of the way at the last second and that goat jumped right into the hole and down he went. And never. Made. A sound.

About that time, Paul drove up and asked them what they were doing.

"Well, we was taking a walk and discovered this big hole in the ground. I threw a rock in it and it went down and down and never hit the bottom," the one said.

"And seeing as how it didn't make a sound, I grabbed a piece of wood and threw it in and we both listened and listened, but it never hit the bottom either," he said in amazement.

"Right about then," the first one continued, "we hear this whistlin' sound zip-zap-zoom here come this big old goat with his horns tucked bearin' down on us with all his malice and of course we jumped outta the way, and he 'ist dove right into that hole and down he went, and never hit the bottom!"

Paul looked at both of them like they were from another planet...

"I know you're both lying," he said, "because I had that old goat firmly tied up with a rope to this big old boulder..."

j

 
Cam Haslehurst
gardener
Posts: 461
Location: Northern Ontario, Canada
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I came up with another joke.

For context: At work, we were talking about bacon chocolate chip cookies. I tried one, and they were very good! We were talking about how some people are hard-core, and they actually sub bacon fat for butter in the recipe.

One of my co-workers said, "Imagine how long it'd take to save up that much bacon grease!"

It clicked in my head immediately.

What do you call the container that you're saving bacon grease in to make bacon chocolate chip cookies with?

A piggy bank!

 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 13821
Location: SW Missouri
9249
2
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I saw a discussion about how cats can be used to protect chickens.
This has of course been long employed in Asia where a Tibetan branch of Shaolin monks recruit and train cats for this purpose in a temple called Kat-kan-du.
 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 1497
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
543
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Nails are sold by the pound... that makes sense.




I just read this on Kenneth Elwell's signature. It made me laugh, so I had to share.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Why is artichoke dip the most loving appetizer?

Because it is all heart!
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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A businessman ordered flowers to be sent to the opening of his friend’s new branch office. When the businessman got there, he was shocked to see the flowers with the inscription. “Rest In Peace.” He was so outraged that he stopped at the florist to complain.

“It could be worse,” the florist said, “Just think: Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with the inscription. ‘Congratulations on Your New Location!’ ”
 
John F Dean
master steward
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Location: southern Illinois, USA
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So I stop by my local liquor store and the owner is talking about his trip to Ireland. It seems he really enjoyed it. Then he pulls  out a large stone and tells me he returned from Ireland with it.   As I look out the window of his place, I realize his parking lot is lined with similar stones.  Yep, I suspect it was a sham rock.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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It’s 9 am, and I am still in zombie mode.  I am going to send a third cup of coffee down to find out why the first 2 aren’t working.
 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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Bad spellers untie!
 
John F Dean
master steward
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Back in the day I was riding with a friend in his car in the back woods of Kentucky, and we were running low on fuel.  This was when self service didn’t exist at gas stations. When we pulled in to one place, old attendant ran out waving his arms yelling “ Go away.  We don’t want no Antii Christ here!”   Of course, we drove off and stopped at another station a few miles down the road without incident.  As the attendant was pumping the gas, I walked around the car and saw the problem. It was the bumper sticker that said, “ Anarchists Unite!”



My apologies if I posted this several years ago.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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I ran into this neat exercise routine that really seems to work.   First just hold your arms out from your sides for one full minute. Repeat this daily until you are ready to repeat this with a 5 pound potato bag in each hand; after a couple of weeks move up yo a 10 pound potato bag and then a 25 pound potato bag. Now once you feel you have the confidence, put a potato in each bag.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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One way to really tick off a pirate is to take away the P.
 
Men call me Jim. Women look past me to this tiny ad:
FREE Perma Veggies Book! - Learn how to grow the most delicious and nutritious food with the least amount of work.
https://permies.com/t/238620/perennial-vegetables/FREE-Perma-Veggies-Book
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