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jokes

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 3219
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1767
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*actual advertisement for a towing company*

Just remember that a tow is cheaper than an OUI. Call us to get your car home.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3569
Location: Maine, zone 5
2208
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Someone broke into my house last night and stole a dozen eggs.
They also left a pot of water boiling on the stove.
The police suspect that they were poachers.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
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Montana
Where farting is considered a competitive sport!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
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I love the fact that I can text my sons something unhinged like:  "I'm thinking about hiding a body".
And they reply:  "Fair enough, do you need any help?"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
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560
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My next door neighbor knock on my door wearing nothing but a see-through negligee asking to borrow a cup of sugar.
Then asked to come in for a cup of coffee...

I replied:  "F@%^ off Dave!"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
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No one saw me get up for a run at 4 am.

No one saw me get in the ice bath every morning.

No one saw me turn down every sip of alcohol.

Because I never did any of that sh#t.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9796
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5407
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The past, present, and future walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
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5407
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I like jokes about stationery, but rulers are where I draw the line.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
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5407
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Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
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Location: Missouri Ozarks
5407
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Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won’t be making them any longer.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
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5407
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Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15538
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
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The tectonic plates just couldn’t maintain a relationship—there was too much friction between them.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15538
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
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Who won the Asian cooking contest?   It was a Thai.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
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I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common...

They both look great until they hit the ice.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15538
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
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What's the difference between an oak tree and a tight shoe?

One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Anna Hutchins
Posts: 31
Location: Central Kansas. Zone: 6b
10
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Courtesy of my brother.  
IMG_20260528_074702.jpg
[Thumbnail for IMG_20260528_074702.jpg]
 
Nancy Reading
steward and tree herder
Posts: 13421
Location: Isle of Skye, Scotland. Nearly 70 inches rain a year
7296
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An 82 year old man goes to his doctor. 'I want a complete physical examination. I'm about to get married,' says the old man. 'How old are you?' the doctor asks. 'I'm 82 and she's 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything's working properly,' says the old man.

The Doctor said, '24! Well, I'll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.' 'Yes, yes, what a good idea,' says the old man.

The doctor meets him again a few months later. 'Did you get married?' asks the doctor. 'How's your young bride?' 'She's pregnant,' says the old man proudly. 'And, erm, how's the lodger?' says the doctor nervously. 'She's pregnant, too,' says the old man.

How Permies works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads
My projects on Skye: The tree field, Growing and landracing, perennial polycultures, "Don't dream it - be it! "

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
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Just got back from my annual physical.
Doc said I'm not old, I just need some WD-40 and duct tape.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this ans asks "Is your date running late?"
"No."  He replies. "I just got this state of the art watch and was testing it".
The intrigued woman says "A state of the art watch, what is so special about it?"
The cowboy says, "It uses Alpha Waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "Wow, what's it telling you now?"
He replies, "Well, it says your not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties."
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn things an hour fast."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3569
Location: Maine, zone 5
2208
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I asked my date to meet me at the gym.  
She never showed up.  
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8603
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3498
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I certainly wouldn’t let anyone get away with calling me a Control Freak!

You can only be young once … but you can be immature forever!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15538
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
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Did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under an oak tree?

It was a pretty shady business.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 3219
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1767
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Billy: The doctor said I can only eat cookies and icecream while sitting on the floor.
Bob: The doctor really said that?
Billy: Well... pretty much... He said I need to lower my sugar intake.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8603
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3498
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I am proud of myself.  I started my day by doing 50 crunches. Then I switched from potato chips to nachos and did another 50 crunches.

You can only be young once … but you can be immature forever!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 16171
Location: SW Missouri
12513
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The correct spelling of school is school, not school.
Some people put the second o before the first o, but that is not correct.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15538
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
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Why did the pancake get arrested?

For flipping out.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3569
Location: Maine, zone 5
2208
9
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Where does a lizard go when his tail falls off?
The retail store.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Don't destroy the earth! That's where I keep all my stuff! Including this tiny ad:
The Mega Edible Landscaping Bundle!
https://permies.com/wiki/359897/Mega-Edible-Landscaping-Bundle
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