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jokes

 
gardener
Posts: 3219
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1767
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*actual advertisement for a towing company*

Just remember that a tow is cheaper than an OUI. Call us to get your car home.
 
steward
Posts: 3569
Location: Maine, zone 5
2208
9
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Someone broke into my house last night and stole a dozen eggs.
They also left a pot of water boiling on the stove.
The police suspect that they were poachers.
 
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
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Montana
Where farting is considered a competitive sport!
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
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I love the fact that I can text my sons something unhinged like:  "I'm thinking about hiding a body".
And they reply:  "Fair enough, do you need any help?"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
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My next door neighbor knock on my door wearing nothing but a see-through negligee asking to borrow a cup of sugar.
Then asked to come in for a cup of coffee...

I replied:  "F@%^ off Dave!"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
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No one saw me get up for a run at 4 am.

No one saw me get in the ice bath every morning.

No one saw me turn down every sip of alcohol.

Because I never did any of that sh#t.
 
Rusticator
Posts: 9796
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5407
7
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The past, present, and future walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9796
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5407
7
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I like jokes about stationery, but rulers are where I draw the line.
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9796
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5407
7
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Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9796
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5407
7
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Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won’t be making them any longer.
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9796
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5407
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Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.
 
master steward
Posts: 15538
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
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The tectonic plates just couldn’t maintain a relationship—there was too much friction between them.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15538
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
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Who won the Asian cooking contest?   It was a Thai.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15538
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
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I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15538
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
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What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common...

They both look great until they hit the ice.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15538
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
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What's the difference between an oak tree and a tight shoe?

One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.
 
Posts: 31
Location: Central Kansas. Zone: 6b
10
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Courtesy of my brother.  
IMG_20260528_074702.jpg
[Thumbnail for IMG_20260528_074702.jpg]
 
steward and tree herder
Posts: 13421
Location: Isle of Skye, Scotland. Nearly 70 inches rain a year
7296
6
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An 82 year old man goes to his doctor. 'I want a complete physical examination. I'm about to get married,' says the old man. 'How old are you?' the doctor asks. 'I'm 82 and she's 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything's working properly,' says the old man.

The Doctor said, '24! Well, I'll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.' 'Yes, yes, what a good idea,' says the old man.

The doctor meets him again a few months later. 'Did you get married?' asks the doctor. 'How's your young bride?' 'She's pregnant,' says the old man proudly. 'And, erm, how's the lodger?' says the doctor nervously. 'She's pregnant, too,' says the old man.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
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Just got back from my annual physical.
Doc said I'm not old, I just need some WD-40 and duct tape.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this ans asks "Is your date running late?"
"No."  He replies. "I just got this state of the art watch and was testing it".
The intrigued woman says "A state of the art watch, what is so special about it?"
The cowboy says, "It uses Alpha Waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "Wow, what's it telling you now?"
He replies, "Well, it says your not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties."
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn things an hour fast."
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3569
Location: Maine, zone 5
2208
9
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I asked my date to meet me at the gym.  
She never showed up.  
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
 
master steward
Posts: 8603
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3498
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I certainly wouldn’t let anyone get away with calling me a Control Freak!
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15538
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
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Did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under an oak tree?

It was a pretty shady business.
 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 3219
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1767
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Billy: The doctor said I can only eat cookies and icecream while sitting on the floor.
Bob: The doctor really said that?
Billy: Well... pretty much... He said I need to lower my sugar intake.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8603
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3498
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I am proud of myself.  I started my day by doing 50 crunches. Then I switched from potato chips to nachos and did another 50 crunches.
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 16171
Location: SW Missouri
12513
2
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The correct spelling of school is school, not school.
Some people put the second o before the first o, but that is not correct.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15538
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9921
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Why did the pancake get arrested?

For flipping out.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3569
Location: Maine, zone 5
2208
9
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Where does a lizard go when his tail falls off?
The retail store.
 
Don't destroy the earth! That's where I keep all my stuff! Including this tiny ad:
The Mega Edible Landscaping Bundle!
https://permies.com/wiki/359897/Mega-Edible-Landscaping-Bundle
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