Relearning Optimism

Hehe! Yes, there is so much to get upset about and so many worries to bog myself down with. I had a train of thoughts in my head a day for two go that wet along the lines of "and... and this... and that..." naming off all of the things that I will have to figure out in the next few years. I ought to probably write a post about that sometime called "Death by 'And" to convey that information. But anyhow, as seems to be the case with me, I had a conversation with a close friend of mine, and everything just seems so much better now!

And I think that's mostly what it takes for me to regain my optimism- to talk with people. I find that talking helps a bunch!

Even though all of those concerns still exist, I think they will be manageable. And I think what talking with my friends gives me is "hope." I get a sense that "yeah, yeah, life is crazy and complicated, but hey! It doesn't all have to be figured out in one day!" That makes me feel more confident and optimistic! There is an urgency to do stuff, but it all takes time, and sometimes that's a little hard for me to see.

I think part of relearning optimism is learning to have hope again and starting to see again that there is time to figure things out.

I can't say that everything is wonderful now, but I'm starting to feel more confident and hopeful about things.

What are some ways one might relearn optimism after it's been lost for awhile?

For me it has just been understanding.

As you know, I have an inoperable tumor pressing on my brain stem which messes with my emotions and energy levels. I am given high doses of medication to curb the tumor and cancer, BUT a side effect is it makes me highly agitated. One day a week I have to take an ultra high dose of medicine, and that is Sunday, and today is Sunday...

A lot of it...for me anyway...is just realizing that I am ready to explode in anger, but it is not really how I feel, but how I think I feel. Knowing that keeps me calm.

Having optimism is really hard because for me there is no getting better, and yet one of the really sad parts about a brain injury is, it cannot be seen. I look fine, I look normal, but I just cannot function as I did a few years ago. I tried this week to help a friend, but it became clear, I just no longer am able to work. My Doctor has told me for months I have to accept permanate disability, but I am a full-time farmer, a workaholic, at age 45 that just cannot be.

This week I learned that at age 45, my goose is cooked.

You guys know I do a lot of mining, and thus I produce enough of my own cyanide to literally float tons of gold ore, so the end is near if I thus chose too. But I have Katie (a saint throughout this), and my daughters, and I even write. I have accomplished a lot in life, and so I have a multi-part plan for optimism.

1) I will see my doctor soon and have the conversation I have been putting off regarding disability status.
2) My Dr's office has a social worker and I will talk to her to keep my spirits up, and my cyanide froathing gold
3) And I will continue writing my books (I mean I do know a wee bit about farming and mining)

I am not sure how to work through being a workaholic, but maybe the social worker can help in that?