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Tell Your Own Tall Tales  RSS feed

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Location: Western Kentucky-Climate Unpredictable Zone 6b
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I believe everyone can tell a whopper . I don't mean the pulling your leg , exaggerated kind either . True tales that when you tell them everyone thinks your bullshitting them . I have enough of these that when you know me long enough you might think I am a pathological liar . I am not , I just have a brain that seems to remember the fantastical over the mundane . So , I will kick it off with a True Tale of Texas and hopefully you all will join in with a few of your own .

Tale of the Staggering Sheriffs Deputy :

Decades ago I was living in San Antonio , Texas . I had been working in the health care field . The stress and low pay was getting to me so I accepted a job as night manager of a convenience store . Four dollars more an hour and right across the street . I could still take day classes at the community college and could study on the job now and again. Needless to say , this was no backwoods general store . It was in a gangbanging neighborhood . There were frequent beer runs and occasional armed robberies . Against company policy and on advice from a city police officer I was always armed . Cocked and loaded . To increase police presence at their stores the company provided styrofoam cups with a badge imprinted on them " To Protect and Serve". The police could stop in to have free coffee or soda and they did . It was always a relief to have a cop pull up and hang out awhile during the night . A Bejar County sheriffs deputy who patroled the county roads was a regular visitor most wee early morning hours . He was a bit of an asshole. The kind of cop you could imagine skirting the Constitution on a regular basis but still a relief to have him there on his lunch breaks . One Saturday morning at 4 am he pulls up in his squad car , in uniform , armed , on duty , and carrying a bottle of Jim Beam . He is stinking drunk . He staggers into the store waving the bottle at me saying " I conshficated two bottlesh of thish shit from some teenagersh andgh your gonna drink it withsh me !" Now , I do not like bourbon { and this ended up being the last time I drank it } . When I drink - rarely anyways - I prefer Irish beer or Cabernet Sauvignon but this invitation was too great to refuse . I thought to myself "My drinking buddy - who is in uniform , on duty , and driving a county owned patrol car - is about to see his decades long career flushed down the toilet and "Hell ya , I am definitely going to have a drink with You" ." So he pours us each a shot in those police cups and we throw it back . He pours us another saying " Come on , don't be a pusshy " . He's like a frat boy out of control . I keep trying to slow at least me down but he is real pushy and in 20 minutes I am besotted . He gets in his car yelling out stupid stuff like "We're gonna have to go party shomeday." "You're alright , ya know that " like we're best buds now and drives off into the night . Never seen the guy again. Now I am drunk and my boss is on the way in . He wears a flat top haircut and thought I was either gay or a commie or both anyways . He steps in , takes one look at me " You're drunk" . I said " Ya but you gotta see who I was drinking with" . I had to convince him to watch the store video , the whole episode was captured center frame , and you could see the sheriffs car pull up and drive away . Bossman could only say "Holy Shit" . I did not get fired . He made me come in early the next shift.
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