I have always been fascinated by the behaviour of crows and ravens to be found around abandoned structures, out in open spaces or to show up at the most unexpected times and call out into vacant space.
This is me - feeling like one of a tribe, whose time and space is running out. Being carried upon wings of hope, to empty structures with shattered doors and broken windows, praying that a voice may echo back from walls that once were alive with pictures, words, memories, children's scribbles, adult's achievements, family dreams and chamber's that lay strewn with artefacts of life.
I am a 44 year man, 6ft, about 80kgs, with a functioning pair of everything I was born with. Whatever was unitary, that at age 3, began to emerge, feels has forever been under some force to be split. Not just into two or three, but infinite pieces, that can prematurely feed all the 'mights' and 'ticks' that anyway will have me once I am dead.
So I am seeking another, who might be willing to walk with me, through heaven and hell, upon land and ocean, watch the birds as they fly, smell the flowers as they bloom and feed ourselves as we are fed upon.
All through my life, I have tried to follow what appeared as novel, unknown and an opportunity to understand how this diversity of life is manifesting and being maintained.
Growing up in a family of 7 with 2 very different grandmothers was an experience I am only coming to fully understand now. My 96 year old paternal grandmother (still alive), the eldest of 11 or 12, never studied beyond grade 4 (her youngest sibling was a school principal), but could not be bullied or fooled by anyone or anything, except her proclaimed fears of others falling sick, not eating enough or getting hurt. My maternal grandmother came from a family of 4 with money, education, travel, business and participation in the politics of the country and world. My father ran an industrial business, developed Parkinson's when he was 35, lived with it for 30 years, helped build the knowledge about that in a country where 'neuro' was a new word. My mother smiled by his side, led us children into the world, taught us how to speak, read, shop, paint, cook and generally be happy wherever and however we found ourselves. I do not have memories of hearing about anyone on either side of the families, going back 3-4 generations who had anything to with growing food large scale. People owned land, they had it stolen by the village, the government, the goons, they kept it, gave it away, sold it, but they had to keep moving on as the world changed. As more life manifested around them, they choose to serve professionally as teachers, doctors, lawyers, industrialists, businessmen, politicians etc. The most anyone could was maintain a garden to feed off occasionally, but never for full self-sufficiency. It was impossible with the growing size of the family and community. But all through the men loved their children and I have ridden upon my grandfathers' shoulder's upon the seashore, listening to stories.
When it was mine to choose, living in a nuclear family in the financial capital of the country, I had nothing more to do then to try to move higher. So I tried for the IVY league engineering colleges, ended up at one of the city top ones, studied electronics engineering, went into work in computer programming, volunteered at a after-school youth program, got interested in CSR, switched to the social development field. It was the first time I travelled the country at 22 (though I had travelled abroad before that), saw the poverty, richness, life outside the city, farms, culture. It was all very novel, but also extremely disconcerting. Nothing was stable and made sense. In the classrooms we learnt all the -isms, principles of communities, cooperative systems (given the college was setup by one of the world's largest milk cooperatives), yet in the villages, the men and women still drank themselves silly each evening, sat all evening chanting, ranting, mantring, while some old family member lay moaning with fever in the room behind. People faced corruption, oppression, children beaten by mothers, wife's beaten by husbands, husbands beaten by their bosses, police, goons a perpetual cycle of beatings. If one was too adventurous one could go deeper into the forests, but there one was likely to be bitten by the mosquitoes and beaten by diseases and probably shot at by the guerrilla's or police depending on what you were wearing.
I beat my head over trying to go to the source of all these problems and felt it was education. So I quit the fat pay check race, neither choosing a bank, a social organisation, engineering etc, and knocked upon the doors of school principles with my resume in hand. I was turned away from all respectable schools being told that despite a degree in engineering, management I was not qualified to teach. The only school that took me was one for the kids of celebrities and elites who din't have the time to care for their children. So I played basketball with the boys hoping to get them into the classroom eventually, but then between the swearing between the boys and the principal I was beaten. There was no way, I was gonna get them to ask Y, to the existence of X, when they had deeper existential questions brewing within them. Cramped in small desks, in air-conditioned spaces wasn't the place to talk to them about the world outside, they had it on their mobile phones and the school already had a counsellor. So, thinking that a deeper educational framework was needed, I decided to join a Steiner school.
It was novel, adventurous, to take on the charge of Grade 7,8,9,10 - Maths, Physics, Chemistry, devour books by Anthroposophists, setup Main Lesson blocks with phenomenological experiments and demonstrations (Despite having no labs, teachers room and just an old steel cupboard in which to keep things), have the children observe draw, engage them in forming thought and reaching conclusions, understanding their temperaments. It was time of great inner awakening myself reading books on biology, spirits, Russian physicists, house building, trees, forests, soil, deep imagining (we even made gunpowder in class, because I and my father used to make it and set a minor fire in the classroom), but with all things that start to grow too fast, it draws attention and control. The teacher's were asked to submit lesson plans, reports, have more meetings and less time for dreaming; parents wanted the kid to be an engineer, when he wanted to be a tennis player, no amount of counselling worked either ways; so I felt, I need to go deeper into the roots. Done with rich kids, alternative kids, I must teach slum kids and I did that for a year and a half till I realized that the fascinating British woman who had started this decades ago, just din't have any idea of how to let the teenager go. Though I was being trained to take over, there would never be that handing over. Never new ideas, never new ways of doing things, just the same tried and tested, expanding donorships, holding events, good education no doubt, but hardly revolutionary, each new idea a struggle with the 100s of teachers picked from the local communities, who focus was still the outdated historical cultural grandeur of a moustached king that rode a horse and saved a princess, built some forts, killed some guys. People were still ready to that in present times, kill anyone who came to the city from another part of the country, for political, religious or economic reasons. So, I thought to myself, I must try to return to my earlier education and new intentions - so I got into eLearning, instructional design, edtech. Many years, many journey's, it din't seem to make a difference, hardware after hardware, content after content, software after software, millions after millions poured into salaries and work, upgrade of classroom after classroom, but the teacher and the pupil still came from the same human milieu.
So, probably I needed to understand the human being beyond these systems and technology etc - what was available was the new age of city circles, community circles, sharing circles, meditation, yoga, urban gardening. Dove into that with full enthusiasm, 8 Vipassana courses in 4 years, travel to any place people were gathering in community to build a house, work on land, talking about farmer's rights etc etc. Went into the mountains, to live alone, yet be able to come down into the town when solitude got too lonely. But, that journey also ended with just discovering the same thing. Human misery and attempts to live life through it all. Add more personal misery of parents old age, surgeries, botches and glitches, running an ICU at home through covid, delving into Ayurveda to reverse the 35 years of allopathic medicines impact upon a human being, only to discover it was too late, the doctors botches, family ineptitude and human ignorance, just can't be fought. But I was glad I had held my father in my arms, he holding my mothers hands, she reading out their love letters to him. He had released all his tensions and been quietly breathing for a whole week, said goodbye on tele-call to my sister and departed with what I would like to remember as gentle awe on his face.
What this taught me is that no matter what we do, did for others, how much we accomplish, how we fight our battles, in the end we die alone and probably in miserable circumstances. If we have children who can fight to keep us out of institutions, it's good planning, luck and karma, if not we will spend time staring at the ceiling and probably go numb, before it makes any difference to us or we will ask for palliatives. Other's driven by the fear to even contemplate death, maybe driven to live a very active life, hoping that a heart-attack gets them, or they are surrounded by community, doing good for others, the earth, the piece of land, hoping that there will be someone around when they have to say goodbye. Some are even preparing from now, living in renunciation of one thing or another - either the cow, pig, fish, dog, all animal products, maybe all driven by fear of that end moment, the judgement, the possible coming back as an insect or toad (what if) or for future generations (who is having a relationship now and who is having kids) of who knows which tribe and person ...
I was married once before when I was 28, separated at 30, divorced at 32. Even then I wanted to leave the city, have a house in the midst of nature and do all the things my heart desired, take my family with me, build a place my dad could walk without the fear of falling. But she said these were futile dreams, too early to think of retirement. My parents still hoped for me to walk in their illustrious footsteps or at least make that path I walk upon shine. Illusions and Delusions. Well, she's happily married a second time (without the 4 kids we had dreamed of), but with a furry four legged baby now, that is the central hero of a whole set of Instagram Reels around drinking tea and leading and being led by dogs.
Since my parents death in 2021, I have attempted to date with the intention of marriage. From my culture and background, nearness to women (barring sex) was never a problem. We are surrounded by people of both genders all the time. Everyone is in each others faces, breathe, under the skin, on top of the head, pulling hair or you pull out yours in exasperation. But there has been no dearth of feminine or masculine energy, godly, divine, earthy, hellish, sacred, profane, it's all here, in this cesspool of teaming humanity. The cradle of ancient civilisations as some would call it. So, all through spending time together, with each others families, dreaming, talking, late night walks by the seaside, all were experienced, but the culture did not promote a sense of wholesome individuality. Physical intimacy was never a consideration without marriage and those in my circles who did break through that taboo, had their own issues to deal with - emotional backbiting, rumours, gossip, bitchiness, breakup of friends, factions all because someone had sex with someone. The independence and power that came through breaking barriers, led each of the two in a broken partnership, to try and become leaders and I was never one who could follow too long.
In the past 5 years I have dated unsuccessfully. No connection lasting for more than a few months. With the re-surgance of the spiritual traditions of the southern and eastern hemispheres world-wide and amnesia about the western rational tradition, it has just been a weird cocktail without a name. Indian women or women of colour look upto their fairer cousins. They value the freedoms and independence, but have no idea about the historicity of those liberties, the sweat, blood and mind of various actors. Man seems to be a constant villian in the story, responsible for all the ills in all the possible realms. So, it's a constant churning - physical (beauty, health, looks or anti all of that), psychological, economic, spiritual, the only part I found I could play in this would be that of a dead stakepost upon which the Aracea wants to climb and spread itself. Even if I may welcome it and try to support it, the foundations are too weak and watering too infrequent for lushness or vitality.
The few relations I have established with women through the newer conscious dating or online platforms were meaningful and nourishing. A few travelled to explore the relationship further. We did the circuit of monasteries, meditations, meeting friends, being in circles, communities, but again it seemed that the drink was stirred up too early and quickly. It is lovely to look at one's own world, through new eyes, but it felt there was only a positivistic smearing and total ignorance of deficits. Every walking man in robes was holy, every dog cute, every experience spiritual, chai India's gift to the world (no matter the history). If the parks charged different rates for nationals and foreigners it was racism, yet one was looking for the best exchange rate for one's currency. I just felt like a tourist guide. When it came to deeper relating, the so called missing father, brother, culture, historicity, ex-partners, abuse, trauma, healing all were constant barriers to even deeper conversations. I was just another projection of a man that one could fill any color within the lines. If I was emotionally connected, I was too feminine; if intellectually sharp then just patriarchal like men of the past.
Growing up in my family and culture, everything had checks and balances, kind of like the early American constitution. If the husband earned, he handed over the money to the wife, so she would not feel dependant and unworthy of her labour and responsibilities in the house and community. Since she held the purse and keys, she could not make adhoc spends without discussing it with him. This prevented the potential of her goodness, kindheartedness from being exploited by every other man who saw her partner as a threat. If one partner did the shopping, the other automatically did the cooking and cleaning or ensured it happened. If one did the cooking and cleaning, the other automatically did the setting up of space for after dinner. Sometimes all work was simply abandoned and one went on a vacation, slept in, read, ordered out, there simply wasn't the need to make the relationship social or political. It was private, a place of refuge, growth and nurturance. But now the word 'private' seems to be missing from vocabulary. It's all about online privacy and data piracy, but not private. Even the dating website's need one to sell oneself, get out there, engage with all kinds of middle men making their re-emergence. Modern matchmaking from AI, to Buddhist Lamas, to Hindu Priests, to Church based exposure to Elite Matchmakers and curated experiences, with pre-date coaching and after date follow-ups, to parental nods and whetting by women circles.
Earlier one was just ground down like a grain of wheat, between the two wheels of heaven and earth, that the priests of the sun-temple had to carry and interchange, between the three stakes, transferring the 3,4,7 discs from the right to the left or left to right, at the end of which the world would end. But now, everyone seems to have a mortar and pestal in hand, each circle inclusive of all, but exclusive of the private individual. I am not sure, what being a Man, Woman or Child might meant anymore, with 10,000 versions floating on every breath.
So, through utter idiotic good intentions and aspirations, supported by circumstances and life forces, I have reached the end of the road. There is no archway to pass through. It is just a solid wall, but no signs of who was building it and for what purpose, but it's right there in the middle of the road, just there. It does not span across the entire road, for it has swales on either end. So it is just left there, incomplete, apparently meaningless. My family name and it's lineage on both sides derives from a species of trees that is the most expensive natural raw material in the world. It goes to into making of all the incense, perfumes, traditional medicines. The tendency to climb over the wall, knock it down, leave a ladder, dig a tunnel, all these have been high. I have participated in retreats where one may learn the art of walking through walls :)
But, this time I want to leave the wall alone. Not just this wall, all walls, borders, fences, hedges. I don't even want to rescue Sleeping Beauty by cutting through the brambles and hedges around the kingdom, only to have the whole damn kingdom wake up with her and never leave the two alone. Simply waking up with a yawn, scratching behind their ears and going about their busyness as usual, as if the passage of time has left no marks upon life. The earliest versions of the folk tale, had the prince wake up the princess by raping her, which was said to be barbaric and subsequent versions were constantly sanitised (not that this has led to any better quality of princes in the world). Finally after seven versions, it was a kiss on the lips, which was also not child-friendly and hence the latest one one involves kneeling down on the knees and kissing the finger where the spindle caused the wound. Looking around every is woke and wide awake, probably just circling around in the bed chamber or climbing up and down the turret to look out of the tower, at a sleepy frozen kingdom.
So, I am just send a call out, to come down, come out, walk tip toe and through the brambles, leaving it all untouched and alone. There is much to be discovered, remembered and discovered behind the walls, but one needs to willingly get down and crawl through the swales onto the other side.
- - -
I love to write. I have been writing since I can remember holding a pencil and getting exasperated with my sister over the arrangements of stationery in our study drawers. I also hate the act of writing, sometimes, it feels too slow, for the rush of thoughts that make me shake my legs, to keep them tethered, avoid them from blowing away, pulling me to get up and get on a cycle and wizz past distractions, nourished by the wind and trees and sights, safe and secure and free to feel the flow of thoughts, images and sensations inside. I have been writing because my mother collected my writings, cards, art, painting and showed them to me, long after I had any recollection of having created those. I have been writing because my summer discipline involved making copies of Robinson Crusoe, word for word, by hand (I don't remember how many times). I have been writing because, people have read what I wrote and remarked to it's clarity and novelty. I have been writing, because I experience the world in a way, there are little ways to remember and share the experience, other than by writing. I write so I can breathe. I'll probably be writing, till I can breathe.
I have well over a dozen children's stories to illustrate. They have been drafted. There are many many adult stories, essays, poems...collected over years, its gotten to a stage, I find it difficult to manage and search. I was building a website for the same, and realized it turning into something beyond just a static display, but needing a whole dynamic way to retrieve, organise, re-arrange, take bits from here to put there, that it morphed into a entity with a life of its own, that I have been toying with for around a decade. This is also another work in progress, for myself and to offer others who might dream with me a new paradigm for literature, art, publishing, long live's of creation, archiving and choice based exhibiting. The internet, computers are a tool, it's beneficial to have everything online and easily accessible to oneself and those one wishes to share with selectively. But not everything needs to be on display, public or even adhere to frameworks and standards that make it crawl-able, scrape-able, AI friendly, SEO'd. My teeth, tongue and everything below it are my own. Johnny need not open is mouth to show what is he chewing upon. Each should own their data(teeth)-base that cannot be hacked, decrypted or opened unless it was willed to be done so. No force feeding of anyone who has crossed the age of consent and everyone spiritually reaches that at 3.
Some of my favourite authors/books - Ayn Rand, George Orwell, Wilbur Smith, Roald Dahl, Lois Lowry, JK Rowling, JRR Tolkien, Tao Te Ching, Dictionaries, Currently Reading Stephen Wolfram (A Whole New Science), Gurdjieef, Autobiographies and Biographies of Creatives, Intellectuals, Innovators; All Children's Literature from around the world, Comics of all kinds, Original Buddhist Texts (to break my head), Viktor Frankl's work, Currently in a phase of reading books from the period 1930-1960s. Tells a lot about the previous 100 years, lived lives of the authors and their predictions of things to come. Books by school teachers, their teaching journey's, Anthroposophy teachers, books that weave ideas in interesting ways to open new avenues of thinking. I read about 2-3 books a week, often in parallel and from opposing viewpoints.
I love colors and form. Not blobs and splashes, lines and curves, not for release, but to devour and to eat. I probably learnt to crawl, walk, stand and see, because I had walls along which to scratch, scribble and pee. My own territory to mark, return, reflect and remember, what it was that was moving me. Because we grew up, as my dad's business was growing, moving from a small house to a bigger house, it had taken many many years before a stability or perfection was reached that the walls needed to stay white. No matter our rooms were our own to keep and do as we pleased. So, we skated in the house, played cricket, table tennis against a table and wall, setup perpetual motion machine experiments, roller coasters etc. Art was always happening in one form or the other. My mother, her brother, their mother, her brother were all painters, having painted murals, exhibiting etc. My father had a textile manufacturing business, so my mother did designing for him. She was also a singer and I remember singing teachers for all and any of us, coming till my dad was probably permanently bed ridden and could not speak. I never seriously reflected upon art as a vocation, only kept it as a deep desire inside. Only after engaging with a few circles during Covid around painting, did the thirst for colored liquids rekindle. In the last few years, I have been engaging with an art teacher online and found the process to be magical. Charcoals, acrylics, water colors, gouche, pencils, oils, flowers, architecture, portraits, still lives, composition, human figures, the very act of selecting from the visual field and choose to make marks upon a paper feels so liberating, subversive and akin to thinking. Decision making, speed, tact, grace, flow, letting go, accepting impermanence all through the act of creating. I keep composing large poster, mural ideas which involve stories of various kinds. Myths, legends, old and modern, social, political all woven together into new depictions and flavours.
I like the works of Georgia O Keefe, Nicholas Roerich, Van Gogh, old masters and those whose work depicts attention, effort, skill, knowledge, perspective, stillness, power, strength of mind, ability to hold an image, direction, arc in their whole being and a message though political, religious, spiritual, social, but that the observer takes away quietly with them into their sleep.
I love sounds. In my young days, I tried to learn singing, the harmonium, the guitar, the keyboard, but there was more restlessness then and the desire to go and play instead. But now, I find a natural ready gravitation towards these. Again, just discovering patterns on any of these instruments, does something to the brain. I have about 50 compositions, verses, I look forward to time when I am more skilled to put these various instruments together and give them words and art.
I love smells and food, though lately its more a chore since I live alone and time seems precious. But a simple well cooked meal, few ingredients, but richness and depth of colors and textures, balance of spices across various dishes. Though I can cook almost anything, I find cooking like a professional chef at home can be detrimental to health. One does not get payed enough, to pursue other passions. I rather enjoy meals like indigenous, nomads or mountain people where no dish has more than a few spices and since time and energy are precious heat and fire are probably the best processing agents. Too much grinding, pasting, chopping etc can really take a lot to do on a daily basis. I do value the use of modern electrical equipment. My favourite meals have been large stews, one pot meals. By having simplicity and easefulness in the heart, the heart stays really steady for other creative tasks. Growing up we were always helping around in the kitchen, I have cooked meals even as an 8 year old, for 50 people, gathering of my parents friends. It would take me like a few hours, but it was meaningful to do. Today, I feel rather than being a super-dad or super-mom in the kitchen, it is important to have very slow processes ongoing, through the day which enable the actual meal prep to be almost invisible. It's a magic feeling to have a sense of abundance present, even if one is not growing ones food. It's a sense, not necessarily a objectively measurable reality.
I love touch - we grew up in a culture of massage. All the women in the house, would get one from a professional lady who came daily. We children had our daily head massage, for 15 minutes each. It was a well established practise till maybe I was 21. We gave each other massages, we massaged our parents when they were tired and exhausted. I enjoy physical closeness brought about by nature, beauty, silence, peace, the universal space in which the mass of two bodies naturally gravitates them towards one another, since their orbiting has slowed down. I like shaping things with my hands, slow, smooth, gentle. I would enjoy clay work and have done so when working with Air Dry clay and look forward to more of that. I would love to create clay full sized human figures, over days and months as maybe characters of a voice play or story, lying about the gardens or land, to act as aesthetic scares for crows of all kinds.
Sports - Cycling, swimming, light jogging, these are welcomed. I cycle as much as I can for errands and also the 15k every few days. I also enjoy the 50 laps, I am able to get in the swimming pool every few days, it helps to break down the stiffness that accumulates through the day. I used to watch the NBA during college and play a little, but I never enjoyed the competitive nature of sports. I have never owned a television, once I lived on my own and gave up on watching sports when I found that I could predict the outcomes based on Geo-politics and celebrity ownership etc. All other cooperative games, social games, children's games are fun, but I think I have grown too old for them. Plus I feel there is such a large overlap of children and adults lives, everything being facilitated, passed on, children living under the watchful eyes of parents, that they have no time and space to invent their own lives. So I would not worry about needing to pass down anything to them. As long as a few children can come together and parents are relatively enlightened to let them wander and be at each others houses, visible yet believing they are invisible, they will invent what's necessary for their future.
Travel - The minimum the better :)
Politics - I would be most compatible, with someone who is extremely politically easeful. An activist of mind, thinking and creativity. Open to nurture anything beneficial and senses open to track potentially disturbing phenomena. The world has become too political, front-ended and bare for my comfort. I liked it when people had private lives to deal with, than everyone trying to help each other, change the world, that way eventually everyone forgets what they wanted in the 1st place and what were they trying to change and into what. I do not want anyone to have to die for my freedom and I don't want to die for anyone. If war seems to be the only answer to human existence, then there is no point of politics. We might as well shut shop. So instead of standing on the streets shouting NO WAR etc, it might be better to study, read history, constitutions, mechanisms of actual law. The more knowledge, everyone has and faster, the more we can get out of knowledge asymmetry and move into a creativity and value asymmetry economy, where value is generated between individuals based on volition and choice, the faster we can make it difficult and meaningless to wage war. The more people have inner, spiritual capacities to create, feel abundant and happy, the more it will be difficult to cause destruction. Food maybe dumped in oceans, left on farms to decay; metal, plastics, wood, all raw materials may continuously be formed and deformed, literally never leaving factories, coming out one gate and going back in the other into the furnace. The world may literally be put on fire, but whoever initiates that in their heart cannot escape the consequences of it. Only the inanimate forces of nature have the power to wipe each other clean, man cannot play god or nature.
The more people depend upon governments to provide for things, maintain things, the lesser ability to influence the actions of such governments. Ultimately each government is just what the majority of people at any given time has been able to instate, by hook or crook. That's democracy. If people were living lives of personal value, where-ever they are farm, city, institute, on the mountain in the dessert, based on awareness of their own needs, value systems and sense of life, there would be less ability to be influenced by every trend and fashion. Ultimately that opening for manipulation can only be prevented by the acceptance of anhillation (natural or man-made). What answer can be given to a person with a gun to your head - NO. No to manipulating or being being manipulated, but that does not nullify the other's choice or ability to pull the trigger. There is so much poverty in the country that I live in, not only physical and nutritional, but also knowledge. It was the same a 100 years ago. People have gadgets and big houses, but not the mind that understand's any of these things. The person need not be a millionaire to want more fancy cars, even the most basic city municipal cleaners, by the equivalent of Harley Davidson's on credit. If there is ancestral land, they sell it divide it amongst the uneducated siblings and then having no other means of upmanship on one another, they spend it on fancy houses, cars, driven on banking credit and then having no education, skills, visions, demand - free electricity, water, education, rations, public transport, health, medicine based on government identity cards. From deep within the rural areas, given the people are no longer working on their farms (its meaningless, the drudgery of the kind that happens here without creativity or mind application, each simply doing a monoculture, cash crop or industrial crop), the women and children get onto free public transport, travel to religious destinations over 2-3 hours, get a free lunch (nicknamed prasad) by the temple, then after donating some of the monthly allowance ($25) that they get by the government (to keep them above the poverty line), to the same temple, they wander about the town centres, seeing the sites and new goods, build desires and aspirations and ride back home on the same free public transport. The story is the same, soon the men will be pulled into power factions, because they don't know what to do, the woman will have patriarchy to fight, feminism to uphold and each is actually driven by something deeper and more viciously innoculated, but the government systems, hold over the human live's only keeps getting stronger and stronger. It doesn't matter which party, left, right, centre, the system is perpetuating itself, just like an sane individual human being wishes to perpetuate themselves through children or whatever they create.
So, in this globalised, interconnected world, I do not see any possibility of making any personal or political change by individual action or one group over the other, reservations, sanctions, quotas (which was never the philosophy or meant to be the mechanism of politics). As, as one of my teacher's told me - this is a time for study and mind-development.
ReReading 1984. It is what it is.
- - -
Whom am I Cawing For?
Someone whose interests lie along similar line. Who is passionate about the act of creating something individually. Who wishes to raise children and is not afraid really. I have seen and experienced a lot in life, silence, loneliness, what to do with myself doesn't really scare me. I have enough going on inside of me, to raise my spine. One of the reason's, I have arrived at these activities, choices is that I experienced living with my folks for a long time. My dad worked from home after I turned 8 or 9. So I have had his presence around growing up. I have had the presence of individual family members living their own lives, yet being able to ensure collective needs are met. Sometimes more than met. So, I'd like to experience the same closeness, individuality and family but less conflict, friction, more and higher forms of creativity. Longer attention spans, slower thinking, knowing what conversations are just air and which need to be held, being present. I would like to have your presence around. I do not want to be involved in any community leadership etc roles and it would be great if these callings don't interest you too. Raising children, being attentive to them, is quite a complex task. It would be great if you would like to be a full-time mother and home-builder for at-least the next decade, I can support us financially. It not necessary to be indoors on only on one's property, but its kind of like a responsibility. Once I could walk, I would follow my mom where-ever she went - market, shops etc. I felt safe to look around, talk to people, go upto them, exchange conversations as she did. When we went to the market, I would often go of on my own and buy what she was planning to do so. In shop I would be busy exploring clothes etc. I was around her and I knew she was around me that was important. It was never her life and me separate, yet I was a separate individual. I never felt I caused her any trouble, discomfort, challenge or stress. These are important values I hold - children should not feel a burden on their parents and then automatically they will do nothing to burden the earth and others. They will stand upon their two feet, heads held high, eyes wide open, ears alert and breathing freely.
Physical and sexual compatibility is very important, when one lives so close together - in a more communal context or even the city, there are various ways to offset, manage these issues. But create an intentional life together, does need a certain automatic support from non-mental domains. Your probably 32-41, 5.8ft - 6ft, 60-80kgs. You are healthy, dis-ease free, maintain yourself actively. Have had a good relationship with your family or atleast a very strong one with yourself, that you bring as a unique new energy I can support. You effort, organisation and looking after yourself. Getting stuck in polarised conversations around food, health, cosmetics, clothes I find really draining. If you want to redden your lips with beetroot juice, bitting them, chicken blood, lipsticks whatever it is, its best if such considerations take as little energy and time from you. The point is to feel good in appearance yourself and to share that and have that mirrored back and amplified. I find too many people too fatigued out of too many mundane, global questions. Should everyone do this, will this help everyone.... A single lipstick used aesthetically over 6 months has a far less footprint in all realms then 10 natural ones and a whole lot of neural footprint. Ultimately if we cannot be free and present to each other and all these externals are always coming between and points of conversation, I am not sure we will have energy, awareness and presence for real, human issues that are happening and impinging upon our sense doors.
I'd like each of us to be our own focal points, yet whatever energy we are gathering to be kept between us two as mirrors that go into building lasers and slightly tilted outwards and upwards.
a previous posting
https://permies.com/p/3566892
