There are times that certain online items go viral due to their reviews. Just a load of people having fun with the written word. What joy and silliness! I ran across one today that I enjoyed. What others have you seen?
I have never reviewed a product on Amazon before. This will be my first.
This is the greatest fly swatter on planet earth. It is the champion, the Alpha, the G.O.A.T. among swatters. When men hold it, your testosterone count will double, your car will get nicer, your abs become visible, and the best-looking woman in the room will wrap herself around your leg and look up adoringly at you like in those old movie posters. When women hold it, well, uh, I wouldn’t know. But something amazing will certainly happen.
It is 16” of solid wood, with a thick leather flap riveted to it with titanium (probably not, but they should be) fasteners. It feels like a king-sized leather quilt lagged to a 4x4 fencepost. You will wield this swatter like Excalibur, like Durendal, like Anakin’s lightsaber, like Wallace wielding his broadsword against the English. You will swing it like Babe Ruth, swinging for the fences in his prime. Flying insects of all types will tremble at the mere whisper of your swatter. They will simply fall dead from fear when you & your swatter enter the room.
However, with great power comes great responsibility. Like King Arthur pulling the sword from the stone, only the worthy can tame this beast. When you swing it, you will shatter breakables, strip paint, and crush the bones of the unworthy. You are Thor with his Mjolnir, and you must exercise caution at all times, like the noble Avenging hero that you will be. Don’t swing angry… anger leads to hate, and hate is of the dark side. If you take the quick & easy path, an agent of evil you will become. You will become like Negan, coldly & mercilessly swinging Lucille. You don’t want this.
Also, this weapon of mass destruction is made by the Amish here in ‘Merica! With each swift stroke that brings death to an insect of evil, the national anthem will spontaneously play and American flags will flutter regally in the breeze, even when there is no wind. Eagles will fly, Old Glory will dance, Rosie will rivet. A small purchase on Amazon will be a great leap for mankind. If Reagan had had this thing, he could have ended the Cold War. Plus, you know, you’re supporting the Amish and stuff.
I’m telling you, buy this fly swatter. And do not look back. Don’t look back. You too, for less than $20, can be a superhero! The world needs you! The insects are coming!
I'm reminded of the three wolf moon t-shirt, a certain notebook (that became a repository for reviews that riffed on a certain politician who made a comment about keeping women in a notebook), and a plastic banana slicer. Oh, wait, the sugar-free gummy bears. I'll have to find those reviews!
So, I think they changed out the product, which was a sugar-free (xylitol?) sweetened gummi bear which, when you eat too much of that sweetener, it can cause "digestive distress." So these reviews are just uproariously funny escapades along these lines. That is, if you like potty humor. ;-)
Agree that Amazon reviews can be delightfully entertaining. Had a long road trip that I had to do on a fairly regular basis for a while and a friend made it pass a lot faster by sharing the driving and reading Amazon reviews. Stuck in a car, we had the time to get hilariously creative, so posted a few ourselves a time or two.
"She paid for who she is with her life, but don't we all?" ~Alice Walker
I'm not dead! I feel happy! I'd like to go for a walk! I'll even read a tiny ad:
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