TRAUMA, rape, homicide, suicide, families

My usually quiet town has been turned upside down recently with a tragic event that keeps getting worse and worse and worse. It's really getting me down. I'll share what has developed and hopefully can glean help for dealing with this personally; the gross failure of our schools, rape culture, disregard for mental illness, cell phones and social media and more, converge into a nasty mess of everything foul. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels beaten down at times.

Monday evening a man was driving and hit a mother, father, son and dog out for a walk. Two other sons were home. Then we learned they were neighbors and just down the block from their respective homes in this nice bedroom community. The mother and dog died within a couple hours, the son was hurt and released from the hospital a few days later, dad was okay. Then we learned the driver was suicidal and "having a very bad day." The driver went from the hospital to jail (his car was upside down after driving off a huge retaining wall). The charges implied there was intent. The mom was a beloved local doctor, mother of 3 boys, religious, active in the community, white, etc. She ticked all the classic boxes of a good and likable community member. A couple days after the driver's arrest, we learn the two families have kids similar ages and their middle school boys were/are close friends. Due to a "sensitive crime" perpetrated by the dead mother's son that was on the walk, the families stopped speaking in early spring. Then we're told the driver received the police records he'd requested associated with this crime, of which his child (younger daughter) is the victim and it's a sexual assault, 2-3 hours before he ran them down. Most recently the driver, one week after the homicide, is found dead in his jail cell. Presumably he ended his own life during the night.

The son is out of custody (which apparently is what triggered the victim's father's rage- seeing him leisurely walking in the neighborhood) and is tagged "rapist" at the age of 12 or 13.  He had videos of his crime that he was sharing on his phone at school. They were in the throes of juvenile court proceedings.

This all happened just a few miles from my home. The driver's last name is uncommon and the same as my maiden name. We have many mutual friends.

It's such a hurdle to get over and heal from. How does one overcome the dreadful feelings that our society and institutions are so, so, so broken that we cannot recover? The awfulness of each new piece of information is overwhelming.

I'm from WI too, so I've been following this case.  It is indeed a tragedy, and nothing I can say will change how you feel.  I would just urge you to try to keep in mind that the entire incident seems to have been caused initially by one bad actor.  The father of the girl reacted without thinking and in a rage, which can be understood after what happened to his child.  If that sounds like I am excusing him, that is in no way my intention.  I can just understand the rage I would feel if someone did that to my little girl and then was out walking around with his family, apparently just going on with his life.  I can even understanding him taking his own life, if that is what happened, after the rage passed and he saw the enormity of what he did, and saw the results of his actions.

I guess the only point I have to make after this terrible thing happened is this:  I would try to see that yes, really terrible things happen, but I don't think that means our society is in a shambles and everything is awful.  I believe, truly and sincerely, that most people are good and kind and try to do the right thing and live their lives caring about others.  The sheer magnitude of awful events like this make them stand out so greatly in part because they are relatively rare.  The news has stories like this every day, but the number of people committing horrific acts is still tiny in comparison to the literal millions of people just living their lives to the best of their abilities and not hurting others.  This was a horrible event and it undoubtedly ruined a number of lives, but I hope you can find a way to see that this doesn't mean the world and most people in it are horrible.  My thoughts are with the people involved and in your community.  I hope you can heal from this.

M Waisman wrote:
It's such a hurdle to get over and heal from. How does one overcome the dreadful feelings that our society and institutions are so, so, so broken that we cannot recover? The awfulness of each new piece of information is overwhelming.

I think the world population is 8 billion. I am not sure how many of those I have met in 42 years but I am sure they were each unique. It never ceases to amaze me how life seems to be all about providence and timing.

The uniqueness comes from our experiences (what I call providence) and the point we are at in living our lives when those experiences happen (timing).

I think this is where you fall back on your belief system/philosophy and let it inform you on how to deal with these things.

I have found that when things are very hard/bad, and I am tested down to that basic level, I walk away with a further understanding/reinforcement of my core belief system. AKA wisdom.

Or, if that is not the case, I may question some tenets of my belief system and search out why I am not understanding things. It is possible there are just some things I will never understand on the other hand.

I am sorry to hear about this situation and that these things are so close to you and others. I think the answer to your question will be as unique as you are.

my heart aches for you and your town.
such a tangle of pain and hurt to process...
hold your friends and family close💜

Horrible things can happen to all sorts of people and unfortunately one person's harmful behaviour has led to this cascade of horrible occurances.  We are all so connected and we all must consider our actions and how they can effect others.  I think we start young with kids, teaching them to not be selfish, don't take something from someone else unless they freely give it, and if they don't then stop right there and go no farther.  Think about cause and affect as early as possible developmentally and keep thinking about it our whole lives, because it never ceases to be relevent.

I'm so sorry this whole tangle got started, and kept going and led to this outcome.  Some people might downplay the reality of evil in the world, but its definitely here.  However what I can say is that it isn't new, it just ebs and flows and shifts and finds new ways to manifest.  I really hope the girl in this case gets some sort of justice and that the boy is held accountable in an age apropriate, yet potent, way.  But unfortunately this went so much farther and I have no easy answers for you.  I think its good to talk with others though like you've done here, about what happened, about your complex feelings, I bet everyone around there is feeling similar things.

Thanks all. Your wisdom is certainly helpful. I know there's a lot of good and I do believe love is greater than fear.

I'm categorically a highly sensitive person and don't like feeling fatalistic. I relish caring for my sheep and garden and doing house projects and can easily (and intentionally) envelop myself in our piece of Earth. Somehow when major stuff happens (usually farther away) I can get sucked in, almost obsessive...earthquakes in Turkey, wildfires in California, pharmaceutical mandates. I see how corrupt human actions contribute to enormous catastrophe and I'm disappointed in humanity for fueling it. This incident is enormous in that it's touching on so many failures of our society. Knowing the huge number of good people doing good things across the globe is...IDK...I guess the mentality of "you do you" helps as I progressively distance myself from the institutions society steers.

We homeschooled our kids until high school so as not to play any of the public school institution game when they needed sleep, nutrition and nature. We taught our boys from day one that when anyone says "no" or "stop" you listen. Period, no teasing, no negotiating. Stop. I must have repeated that daily for YEARS. They are very masculine and empathic teens with good relationships. We also didn't get cell phones for our kids until high school.  I do feel like we've done right and that's the best we can do. Then I think, those parents probably did their best too.

There was a gofundme for the driver's family shared on our school district facebook group. It was short, no names or details, and had raised 10K in just a couple hours, with no nasty comments (on FB?!?), before his suicide or much of the back story was out. That felt really hopeful to me. There seems to be a lot of forgiveness and support in our community.