Feeling Crushed

I'm having a really tough time. I just got dumped by the neatest woman I've ever dated, and the first woman that I've felt a real connection with in about 20 years, someone that actually wanted to homestead, garden, and hike... All over my stupid job. She decided that she wanted to be with someone that can be there all the time, and I am currently working a rotating schedule (14 on, 7 off) in ND. I enjoy the job but not particularly in love with it, but I don't know what I would end up doing in her area (Helena Montana).

I've battled loneliness my entire life, never dated in high school, got crushed and used by my first (and only) real girlfriend in college, and have not dated much since (I'm 41) because I haven't been able to make a connection with anyone with common interests.

I'm sick of being alone, sick of the empty house, sick of the empty bed, but I have no idea how to fix it. I'm never going to be able to afford land much-less build anything without working, but the jobs destroy my chances at relationships.

I'm sorry that you feel that way, Mat. For me, it gets pretty lonely doing my homework and studying for exams. I do and do not mind the loneliness for various reasons- particularly concerning the dual nature of humanity and the heat death of the universe. Kind of like in the Buddhist Heart Sutra that nothingness and everythingness is one in the same; I kind of view life that way, too, and I tend to think and bet both ways on everything. My social life primarily consists of waving to people on bike rides and while rollerblading, volunteering, and emails and permies. So far, I have found volunteering to be my favorite way of meeting people. While volunteering, there is a common goal and a mission to get done. Also, I can casually get to know people, build connections- some quite useful, including offers to write recommendation letters and a few offers to be hired-, and learn about new opportunities, observe how an organization operates functions, and find new leads.

I consider volunteering to be a nice in between because the meaning of someone volunteering at an event is highly ambiguous. You can volunteer just for the heck of it or from the goodness of your heart, and/or add as many or as few ulterior motives to it. And best of all, there aren't any strings attached; if the volunteering opportunity was not what you expected, you don't have to show up to the next event. If you liked some of the people there, you can volunteer more. No guarantee of seeing them again, but there is the chance. For businesses, volunteers represent an opportunity to "test drive" potential employees and get free labour in the meantime.

For the job situation, maybe finding residual income streams would be of use. I have listed some ideas for residual income streams in the opportunities and travel ideas thread that is linked in my signature.

Mat Baker wrote:
I'm sick of being alone, sick of the empty house, sick of the empty bed, but I have no idea how to fix it. I'm never going to be able to afford land much-less build anything without working, but the jobs destroy my chances at relationships.

Mat, it seems to me that you are not doing work that feeds your soul. I'm guessing about what you do in ND, but it seems that this would be at odds with someone who is posting on this site.

You don't need to buy land to be happy, you just need to love your life including what you do for a living.

My advice; quit your job and go back to the woman that makes you happy, then get a job that also makes you happy, even if that means poverty.

OK here's my disclaimer - I am divorcing my husband (recently, like asked him to move out last month) so my thoughts are obviously going to lean towards what I've experienced and my own situation. So, take things with a grain of salt

My opinion, for what that's worth, is that there is probably more to it than just the job. What is your job? If you aren't in love with the job, are you working on a way to become job independent? Was she wanting to progress at a different pace?

And I don't ask these questions to get an answer, more to provoke some introspection on your part. I am divorcing my husband of 10 years and I think in a lot of ways people try to distill the issues down to one thing or two things (too much time spent on his band, too much time spent away b/c of his job), but there is sooooo much more to the story than that.

So I guess what I'm saying is - ask yourself where YOU want to be, and are you going full steam ahead with your plans for your life or are you waiting for a partner? He asked me if there would ever be a chance of us reconciling. I'm very doubtful but I think what I told him is relevant to pretty much anyone - I told him "I am not going to promise anything, but your best shot is to create for yourself a life that I would be excited to share with you."

I've seen a lot of single guys in my life, single lonely guys who lament the fact that they are alone or never could find a "quality woman." I don't know anything about you so I'm totally not going to judge but I will tell you something - one thing all of those guys had in common is that they were in a lot of ways, sitting around waiting for a partner, and sort of just slogging through life without clear goals and direction. What they SHOULD be focusing on, instead, is aggressively and confidently driving their own life forward and becoming the kind of guy that their ideal woman would find irresistible. These guys are not creating a life for themselves that their ideal woman would be excited to share.

If you are 41, that means you've been a legal adult for 23 years. Ask yourself if you have used those 23 years wisely? Why don't you own your own property yet, even if it's just a couple acres? Would it perhaps be worthwhile to do some new job training so you can earn more, and therefore be able to buy property? If you already earn a high wage, what are your obstacles to land?

And, even more difficult - visualize the kind of woman you want ideally. And then put yourself in her shoes, and ask yourself objectively if you are the kind of man she'd find irresistible? Are there any things you can do to become that man? What are your obstacles to being that man, and how can you overcome them?

I am divorcing also...and the wise person who said it is usually more than just a job..I feel..is absolutely correct! My husband says on a constant basis..."i would choose you and our home over work" has just become another way of saying..." i really wont so dont push it"...I have been strung along for 8 years now...he really doesnt want to homestead...he really wants to always make more as that is where he spends his time...our life was supposed to be about self reliance...the land...us...but year by year..it has always been about something else..never ending something elses...I finally woke up to the fact that it was always my dream and he just went along with it so he wasnt alone..I am now 46 and starting over...I am very excited actually...I want love and a best friend..someone that holds dear..all of the simple things in life...dont jump head first into an agreement you are frustrated with now...it will only get worse...as far as a job? If you really want to homestead...farm...no job will ever pay for all you will need unless you are Bill Gates...to begin with...besides..half the fun is thinking outside the box and finding the one who will treasure hunt with you since you cant afford all the big new toys!

Lisa, you hit the nail right on the head !

lisa mcqueen wrote:I am divorcing also...and the wise person who said it is usually more than just a job..I feel..is absolutely correct! My husband says on a constant basis..."i would choose you and our home over work" has just become another way of saying..." i really wont so dont push it"...I have been strung along for 8 years now...he really doesnt want to homestead...he really wants to always make more as that is where he spends his time...our life was supposed to be about self reliance...the land...us...but year by year..it has always been about something else..never ending something elses...I finally woke up to the fact that it was always my dream and he just went along with it so he wasnt alone..I am now 46 and starting over...I am very excited actually...I want love and a best friend..someone that holds dear..all of the simple things in life...dont jump head first into an agreement you are frustrated with now...it will only get worse...as far as a job? If you really want to homestead...farm...no job will ever pay for all you will need unless you are Bill Gates...to begin with...besides..half the fun is thinking outside the box and finding the one who will treasure hunt with you since you cant afford all the big new toys!

lol this whole thing is so familiar My ex used to always tell me stuff like that, act like I was completely crazypants if I told him I didn't feel like I, the kids or the property was a priority to him. Actions speak louder than words, eh!

Hi Mat, I am not here to comment on my life or give pointers, just wanted to see if you would give a quick update on how life is going for you lately, I do hope it is improving, I felt your pain as I read ..and do hope things are looking up now. As an Idahoan, I am curious, are you still in N Idaho? I did send a PM a while ago too... DD