Overexcitement and wanting to do everything at once

Hello permies!

I had kind of a breakdown yesterday evening.

A sketch of my situation:
My partner and me moved to Sweden in 2023, we bought a small plot of land (1,6 hectares) with a house from 1927 on it. Since then, we have been renovating slowly, trying to learn the language, making some income in low paying jobs, and trying to implement some aspects of the permaculture design I made in my PDC. Somehow, I forgot one of the first things I learned in the PDC, that you start small and close to the house.

Every year when my father comes over for a month or so in May, we get so excited and we start to implement some parts of the design. Now I have a 100 m2 garden and an unfinished pond that needs to be sealed. We were almost about to bring over 20 trees and 40 bushes to plant a not well thoughtout orchard on one of the oldfields on the plot out of our drive to move on, and to see things grow.

But I cannot do it. By working 40 hours a week, keeping a household, helping my partner with the renovations, and having some time left over for gardening and self care (in the form of knitting).... there is not the time to reliable and responsible take care of this orchard idea right now.

I did feel like a failure. I want to do something worthwhile with my life, and these dreams and visions of turning this plot into a permaculture haven brings me energy and honestly, gives my life meaning. But I think one should also be aware of one's limitations, and sometimes put a stop to wanting to start project after project. Those trees on the 'orchard' would have not been the healthiest, and I think all the money and energy would have been wasted.

Yet it feels hard to slow down sometimes, the culture we live in just pushes and pushes to do more stuff and be 'productive'.

I don't know if there is a point to sharing this with the internet here, but I'm sure there's others in a similar position.

I'm actually in a similar position with the oldfield setting. And I also can relate to what you are saying in regards to the energy. Every year I sort of inch along on the project, and sometimes I go backwards, when I notice that Nature has a better plan than I do.

I think I read--also in Edible Forest Gardens (I just started the second volume the other day) that Chinese chestnuts like to be out in the open, though American chestnuts prefer the forest. I would guess that sweet chestnuts also prefer a shadier, more clumped spot?

I don't really have an overarching plan however but ask the plants that come my way where they want to grow. One time a peach pit sprouted out in the perennial vegetable bed and so I'll let there be a peach tree there; otherwise I just slowly do what feels right. I do pay attention to sunlight, etc. but let it emerge organically. That might not be right for everyone. But you could include layers of years in your plan maybe--something like "I'm going to make a swale this long here this year and plant trees and herbs in it, and then extend it a little next year", on and on and refining things as you go. It does take a long long time but in the meantime perhaps you can look into foraging and tending of wild ecosystems. That is how I began and has buffered all my failures, because if these plants don't grow then at least I still have a relationship with Nature. And if they don't grow then maybe that is fine; the ecosystem didn't need them and maybe you don't either.

Some element of the work on the landscape will definitely bring life and improvement, though it might not always take the form you hoped for. Smooth bedstraw loves the fertility and disturbance that happens with my gardening (maybe you have them too) and they also taste very good, but I didn't ever start eating them until this year. Dandelion, burdock, wild parsnip, caraway, wild carrot, chickweed, plantain, nettle, lamb's quarters and amaranth (maybe Good King Henry on your side of the ocean) and many others--so many wild vegetables will grow so much better when you do start working with the land and maybe they are what the land needs too, or what you need, as they are so nutritious. Some native plants that have not had a chance to thrive might come in and establish themselves in the new rich soil, like wild geranium in my gardens, or hickory from the nearby forests. Diversity has increased so much. So just caring for the land without even planting can be beneficial.

The pond also could work as a vernal pool even though it's unsealed. Frogs, salamanders, amphibians and general love those for laying their eggs and it still has the result of bringing water into the ground.

Also I have two ginkgos that are sitting in the midst of lots of weeds, goldenrod mostly. They are slowly slowly growing and establishing. I go in and cut the goldenrod and weeds back a few times a year and they are still there, still alive. I've read in the Hidden Life of Trees by Peter Wohlleben that the longer a tree sits and spends waiting, the longer they tend to live even after that, the stronger their wood. But it may only work for some sorts of trees.

Nature is complex and wonderful and will take our plans and work on them and they might never take the form we hoped for but something better...

Sometimes it just help to talk about how we are feeling.

As new property owners a lot of folks want it all though they fail to take time to smell the roses.

Feeling the way you feel and working a full time job it seems that 20 trees and 40 shrubs would be a little overwhelming.

How does your partner feel about all of this?

I've read in the Hidden Life of Trees by Peter Wohlleben that the longer a tree sits and spends waiting, the longer they tend to live even after that, the stronger their wood. But it may only work for some sorts of trees.

Oh! Interesting! Maybe there is a reason to everything outside of our human understanding. I've been wanting to read that book.

How does your partner feel about all of this?

He is actually very supportive and understanding of my overwhelmedness. Before my breakdown/breakthrough yesterday I thought it was all my fault, as if I couldn't manage this life, the dream that we are building. But through talking to him it made me understand that there are limits to what/how much I can do within my time. We are also doing this as a couple, not as a community of 10 where we can all help each other out... We are humans, not superheroes

I am a little bit grieving that I will probably need to cut back time and energy that I spend on the garden this year, to be able to finish one project before starting another. But making compost is one of those things that is fundamental and I want to prioritize more.

Hi Birgit,
Welcome to Permies, and congratulations on your adventure!
You have a lot going on, and its wise to let go - even if just for now - of that what feels overwhelming. Autumn is a better season for planting trees and shrubs anyway
I'm enjoying reading the good and friendly advice from those who replied before me, plus your reply on theirs just now.
Even though it's tempting to repeat some things, I won't, but instead add something we're adhering to here in our own renovation-and-starting-situation: Go with the flow.
Trying to be sensitive to our own energy levels, the mood, the vibes...it becomes a second nature at some point, not to listen too much to the demanding Mind but more to the gentleness of the intuition within you and in nature. There's an innate wisdom within nature, balancing out the energy flows.
Good luck, take pictures of the developments and remember to celebrate the little wins in between!

Nina Surya wrote:Hi Birgit,
Welcome to Permies, and congratulations on your adventure!
You have a lot going on, and its wise to let go - even if just for now - of that what feels overwhelming. Autumn is a better season for planting trees and shrubs anyway
I'm enjoying reading the good and friendly advice from those who replied before me, plus your reply on theirs just now.
Even though it's tempting to repeat some things, I won't, but instead add something we're adhering to here in our own renovation-and-starting-situation: Go with the flow.
Trying to be sensitive to our own energy levels, the mood, the vibes...it becomes a second nature at some point, not to listen too much to the demanding Mind but more to the gentleness of the intuition within you and in nature. There's an innate wisdom within nature, balancing out the energy flows.
Good luck, take pictures of the developments and remember to celebrate the little wins in between!

Thank you for your kind message Nina. I do resonate with what you are saying about the Mind, it really is a constant process of remembering to be in the moment, in the midst of all planning, researching and doing.

I want to post more on here to keep a kind of journal for myself, to share info, and to connect with others interested in the same things. I have had a long aversion to getting engaged on the internet because it didn't seem 'real' to me, but somehow I've gotten over it now.

Birgit Soer wrote:
...it really is a constant process of remembering to be in the moment, in the midst of all planning, researching and doing.

I want to post more on here to keep a kind of journal for myself, to share info, and to connect with others interested in the same things. I have had a long aversion to getting engaged on the internet because it didn't seem 'real' to me, but somehow I've gotten over it now.

Yes Birgit!
That's a great idea, to keep an online journal here and interact with other permies.
Start a thread (you already did  ) for your journal. This is the place to share about permaculture, building, gardening, questions, challenges, insights and understandings - and so. much. more.
We learn as we go, we do our research and apply the theory to our specific circumstances. When we share, the knowledge becomes open source...fertilizer! That's the super cool thing about this forum. I find that people here are generally very kind and helpful. Go for it!

Think about your life as a plate, you can only fit so much on it at once.  But once you "eat" what's there you can add more.  But if you try to get all of your project goals on your plate at once it overflows and then meltdowns occur.  Be realistic with yourself about what you can accomplish when and don't feel like it all has to get done this year.