A Community For Happy Recluses?

Not kidding. This is needed. It can be done.

If it were done, what would it look like? Has it ever been done?

Would it be structured or anarchic? Would reclusive life be required of every member? What if a recluse started receiving visitors?

I think a hint of what I am imagining could be seen in the ashrams of Mahatma Gandhi's followers. Another hint could be seen in the Catholic monastic houses of the Middle Ages or the Buddhist monasteries of old Tibet.

Perhaps even the lodges of some Native American tribes or the old ethnic tenement neighborhoods of early 20th century America.

What do you think?

Ummmm... It sounds like an oxymoron... Like the humorous and contradictory thought of a hermit village. Recluse and community don’t really mix. So perhaps recluse is not quite the right word for what you have in mind.

Im a recluse. I have to force myself to be social. I hate crowds, I hate lines, I hate rules and restrictions. But I like the rules and restrictions that protect the society in which I enjoy the benefits of belonging to. I like the convenience of stores, gas stations, access to doctors and dentists and people who specialize in all sorts of trades and services. So I do my part to protect that society in which I enjoy and depend on. I wear my mask, I social distance, I do everything I can to not catch Covid and spread it to others. And as hard as I have to fight defense fatigue, I do it and don’t give up. I lost my oldest brother December 19 and 3 weeks later I lost my elderly step dad. I have to fight my own violent reactions to those who mock this pandemic (as many of us who have lost loved ones do).

Living in a large society still allows a modicum of personal autonomy. Joining a community within it makes me cringe from the thought of losing that little bit of privacy and solitude which I cling to for my own sanity. At the same time, there is conflict because I would love having like minded neighbors. So I hope I can find them via an unintentional community (which is very unlikely but possible).

I would love to have a self sufficient sustainable organic farm with like minded neighbors, who all have different skill sets to augment my own. But I don’t want meetings and politics and the increased societal responsibilities that go with an intentional community.

I suspect a community for recluses has zero appeal to recluses. Besides, a healthy community is a diverse community, it needs all sorts of people to thrive and I suspect social people are in sync with the basic nature of that beast.

Perhaps your idea is more along the lines of a place where like minded recluse neighbors live in the same general area and don’t share resources other than a neighbor borrowing something from another neighbor once in a blue moon. And there aren’t any meetings unless there is a threat or emergency, but everyone kinda has their neighbors backs, so to speak. And there are no gossip circles and the social interaction is mainly a neighborly wave as you pass by. That might be cool for those who are not picky about where they live.

Good Luck!

Probably basing something off of the extended community/neighbor dynamic would be a good fit. This would also be as important work as any of the more self-aggrandizing, suffocating eco-villages with super high turnover. Not that we can't learn things from those too. But learning how to build extensive community translates much more broadly to a greater number of peoples' sensibilities and capabilities.

I sort of hate the term "ambivert" but I'm relenting a bit because it does somewhat describe me. I need my own space to self medicate solitude with, but I also need to be able to merge into some interaction on a minimally-expectational basis pretty much whenever I want. Good neighbors and a good local watering hole would probably suffice, but I sort of want that on steroids.

Important topic!

I think a major part of this would be respect for boundaries. I've noticed that that isn't always a given, especially when the person violating the boundary is convinced that they're "helping".

To complicate things further, some of us were brought up in an environment where we were made out to be monsters for even HAVING boundaries.

In purely physical terms, when I picture a community for recluses, I picture houses with lots of trees and hedges around each one, so a person can step outside and still not see or be seen by their neighbors. A commerce system that allows contactless trades, without any guilt for when you don't feel like making small talk. Areas where people can go to socialize, but with the understanding that some of them might just want to observe rather than participate.

It would be incredibly difficult to create such a place on purpose. But it's nice to dream about.

Great idea.

Alot of the communities are full of extraversion, and being very social is almost expected. It would be great to have a community of recluses. I don't see it as oxymoronic at all

Paul Eusey wrote:Ummmm... It sounds like an oxymoron... Like the humorous and contradictory thought of a hermit village. Recluse and community don’t really mix. So perhaps recluse is not quite the right word for what you have in mind.

Many apologies for late reply. I was being reclusive....
But I think you are right. "Recluse" doesn't exactly fit. It suggests someone who is almost antisocial, whereas I meant to convey something more like "independent".

Actually what you describe is what I meant: a community of people who are able to get along without being all entangled in each other's personal lives.

"Unintentional community" is a good description. It holds up the idea that just like "you can't pick your relatives", "you can't pick your neighbors". That old saying is one I learned from my mother when she referred to a certain drunk uncle. As I get older, it means more. It means you don't join the gossip and attacks on the guy even if you don't like him and you acknowledge kinship without necessarily defending him. It means "tolerance" and even carries the notion that you would be there for him in a serious crisis like a hurricane. This is a concept that seems lost these days.

Intentional communities scare me. They seem to me to be mobs-in-waiting.

Eric Callahan wrote:Probably basing something off of the extended community/neighbor dynamic would be a good fit. This would also be as important work as any of the more self-aggrandizing, suffocating eco-villages with super high turnover. Not that we can't learn things from those too. But learning how to build extensive community translates much more broadly to a greater number of peoples' sensibilities and capabilities.

I sort of hate the term "ambivert" but I'm relenting a bit because it does somewhat describe me. I need my own space to self medicate solitude with, but I also need to be able to merge into some interaction on a minimally-expectational basis pretty much whenever I want. Good neighbors and a good local watering hole would probably suffice, but I sort of want that on steroids.

Important topic!

I have to look up that word "ambivert". Is it something like "intermittent recluse'?  I think good neighbors and good watering holes have been ruined by the larger society's pressure of expectations. We used to be able to ignore pushy people who are promoting some program because they would never push beyond a certain point, but now everything gets turned into an excuse to argue.

I have always been happy with solitary activities but not necessarily a loner. That used to be ok but lately I notice that it is a cause for gossip. I tried to defend myself by giving one of my watercolors to some new neighbors who acted very hostile and I knew they were being told I am crazy because a certain neighbor who IS crazy says that about me, but we all know him and he says that about everyone. He is a hard working man who takes care of his wheelchair-bound wife who used to also be a hardworking woman before her stroke. But as new neighbors move in, they don"t have the history to account for this man's attitude. These new neighbors that I gave the watercolor to, took it as proof I am crazy because who does that? Who gives a nice original seascape to a stranger? They became even worse but fortunately they did not stay long.

But the experience reveals a lot about what is wrong. Gossip is no longer dismissed or ignored. Everything is taken to be a sign of something else.

Ellendra Nauriel wrote:I think a major part of this would be respect for boundaries. I've noticed that that isn't always a given, especially when the person violating the boundary is convinced that they're "helping".

To complicate things further, some of us were brought up in an environment where we were made out to be monsters for even HAVING boundaries.

In purely physical terms, when I picture a community for recluses, I picture houses with lots of trees and hedges around each one, so a person can step outside and still not see or be seen by their neighbors. A commerce system that allows contactless trades, without any guilt for when you don't feel like making small talk. Areas where people can go to socialize, but with the understanding that some of them might just want to observe rather than participate.

It would be incredibly difficult to create such a place on purpose. But it's nice to dream about.

Yes, you hit the nail on the head. "Help" can be toxic! But what you describe is what is already the norm for most people in suburbia.

Please forgive my late reply. I was not checking in online lately.

I think what I visualize is something like an ashram, where people have their home and space but where there is also some communally productive activity and space. This might be impossible because of the aggressive culture of our times that requires everyone to be labeled in some way and does not allow the time for people to grow in awareness of each other.

Seth Gardener wrote:Great idea.

Alot of the communities are full of extraversion, and being very social is almost expected. It would be great to have a community of recluses. I don't see it as oxymoronic at all

I think of it as an ashram

I am intrigued by this idea. I've been wondering if there are communities that may be something in-between living in a typical neighborhood and living in a monastery.
I would like to discuss this with others.

Hi Josie,
I live in an intentional community of mostly introverts! There are about 14 of us on 1500 acres. Lots of room for our own space and yet we do enjoy coming together for meetings and potlucks. Just not too often. There are a few more extroverted folks among us and sometimes they feel that there could be more social time but some how we manage to find a balance.
We call ourselves a "village"; people have built their funky little homes with privacy as a big consideration. We all know who is ok with unannounced visits and who we need to forewarn. And we respect each other's needs for space.
We help one another when needed and share the care of the land, and maintenance of facilities.
B Dooley was kind of correct when saying it might be like a monastery. Definitely NOT a typical neighbourhood because we have more care and respect for one another and if there are disagreements, we are committed to showing up and resolving them together, (without having to spend countless hours in group process.)
We are an inclusive Sufi community; not everyone is a Sufi but anyone on a spiritual path is welcomed. Some are pagans, Buddhists, or follow the Native American path. Lots of diversity of beliefs. We are both a Nature Sanctuary ( most of the land is in a conservancy easement and surrounded by a huge wilderness) and Retreat Center. Western Sufis are mystics who choose to study Nature as their "sacred scripture" and often go out and live in the wilderness to attune with a Higher Source. Being an hour from town on an unpaved road keeps all but the most adapted to remote living from joining! The seekers that need constant social interaction end up moving to town where there is a myriad of options to choose from.
I spend the majority of time with my goat herd and garden. Get in the truck once per week for town errands. Grow some extra food to sell to folks who don't want to garden, share some of the dairy and eggs, have friends close by when I need to talk but for the most part am engaged in a deep immersion in the Silence and Beauty of my little Oasis in the desert.
It is possible!

Hi
In review I am interested in your community. Where is it located?
Please let me know. Mary

Hi Mary,
We are in SW New Mexico.