Principles of permaculture in dating/relationships

In the questions for the ladies thread https://permies.com/t/190021/Questions-ve-ladies-asked our staff member and apparent wordsmith Margaux Knox coined the phrase "permaculture of the penis," in our conversation on dick pics.

"Maybe for men who send these pics, this is just one of their many efforts of metaphorically throwing things at the wall to see what sticks. Maybe, in a way, this is their permaculture of the penis: Sow a million seeds, and see what ends up thriving in that context. Maybe they just haven't found anything that does work perfectly, so they try it all."

This is an interesting take. I had actually had some thoughts on permaculture in dating, though mine were a bit different from Margaux's. I tend to see everything through permie-colored glasses. Nature works. It has worked just fine since time began. It works in the physical world, and I have a tendency to apply it to the metaphysical world as well. I think so much can be applied to dating and relationships to make them better, and when I see the pitfalls of dating and relationships all around me, it bears a striking resemblance to the pitfalls I see in non-permaculture settings for things such things as growing crops. What are your thoughts? How can we become more permaculturey and successful in relationships?

A few thoughts/concepts.

Our monoculture farming tends to have us thinking "all or nothing." If I didn't plant it, it is a weed.
So the  "till death us don't part," is farming monoculture terminology.

Our culture has been inundated with "SALES" talk. Throw it at the wall and see what sticks. The pic procedure.
What it tends to make common is the "promote yourself to get the best price."
So you get, "I'm the best Bee, any flower will be lucky to have me sting em."
and
"I"m the prettiest flower, all the Bees want me, and I get to choose the stinger."
The capacity for "non truth" in these interactions is excessive.

Variety is the spice of life.
Corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, man I could really go for some green beans.
The seven year itch has killed more relationships.


Summation of player strategy:

I only get one shot at this, so I better make myself big, to find everlasting happiness.    This is had a very small chance of success.
    monoculture                         salesmanship                         people change

That's an interesting take on the "till death do us part." I've always rather liked the idea. I like the conviction. If anything I feel people tend to have too little conviction these days in our world of instant gratification. I think it takes quite a bit of conviction to decide to be permaculturey. It takes a lot of time and work, not just now, but forever. Maybe if we see permaculture as a whole, "till death do us part" could be a good thing.

I agree wholeheartedly on the push to sell ourselves. I think it ends up self-defeating in the end. Instead of cultivating a relationship based on what makes the most money, or is the easiest, or is the way everyone else is doing it, the more permaculture way would likely try to see value in people where the mainstream does not. To live a life that is not overly complex due to social norms or greed. A life where we help each other out as a couple or community so we can all be part of something good. How much better that would be!

Pete Arthur wrote:So the  "till death us don't part," is farming monoculture terminology.

So... does that mean you prefer a no-"till" methodology?

Lol! I guess I'm glad it got you thinking.
Now you've got me thinking!

I think a "permaculture" approach would be to be open to possibility, flexible, and aware. Probably avoiding a list of specific things you want in a partner, and instead being open to what feels right. The key is the awareness to know what feels right. It's easy to get swept away, and it's easy to be super critical. Remaining aware of what truly feels good and exciting vs scary and worrying is a lot harder than it sounds, for a lot of people. Mistakes go both ways, and we can be open to too much, or closed off to potential.

I think being open to growth, change, evolution is key in a "permaculture" approach. Knowing you'll never really know where you'll end up, what things might look like.

I think working together, in harmony, towards common goals is key. Recognising yourselves as separate parties of the ecosystem that is your relationship and lives together. As opposed to needing to control, or conquer. These attitudes can leak in to the crevices of a relationship. We have to remain curious. Needs change, ecosystems are complex, and sometimes we need to slow down, observe, see what's happening under the surface. What's being fed, what's being starved. And be open to creative solutions. And as you mentioned, Jordan, conviction is fruitful. Being ready to tackle problems, rather than giving up, is the only way to success. Conflict is an opportunity to increase intimacy, and bolster ones sense of self in the same way that crop problems are opportunities to diversify, build resilience, and improve efficiency in a permaculture system.

But also the security of knowing that anything that fails still builds us. It was still a contribution to the ecosystem, and another lesson learned about ourselves, others, needs, boundaries, values, feelings. It still feeds the soil. It still provides something.

That is all really well thought and well put, Margaux.

I'll quote you.  "We have to remain curious"

Jennifer Pearson wrote:

Pete Arthur wrote:So the  "till death us don't part," is farming monoculture terminology.

So... does that mean you prefer a no-"till" methodology?

Well, before I was out of college, ALL my friends from high school that got married, were divorced or separated awaiting divorce.
So in my experience, adopting norms from a bygone era is contraindicated.

NO TILL,      to me,       is love at first meeting. There is fire and a glow from the start, or why bother.

Monoculture is a lifestyle that worked well enough for 2000 years, and it took 80% of the population and land to succeed.
If we as a continuing culture want to improve, we have to improve the efficiency of the entire system overall.
Self sustaining "no till" , using the best seed, is good for all involved.
And improves the system in the most efficient way.