I think this thread has the potential to be one of the most epic threads in the permies repository. Screw setting the bar high, I say make it an epic quest!
First I think a title change might spice it up a bit maybe, "The Legend of Kelda"
Next, I think we need to form what you're looking for more into a quest. Don't ask me why but dude's like quests.
So sticking with the Zelda theme here...
The quest begins as the fairy Navi (character TBD) awakens our hero from a nightmare, in which he witnesses a stormy night where
a man in black armor on horseback Monsanto chases after a girl on a white horse. Navi brings our hero to the guardian of his village, the Great Redwood Tree who is cursed and near death. Our hero breaks the curse, but cannot stop the tree from withering. The Redwood Tree tells our hero a
"wicked man of the desert" Monsanto has cursed him and seeks to conquer the
land of Pugent Sound and that our hero must stop him. Before dying, the Great Redwood Tree gives our hero the spiritual stone of the forest, thus proving his good standing with his community and family

, and sends him to Pugent Sound Castle to speak with the "princess of destiny."
At Pungent Sound Castle, our hero meets Princess Kelda, who has been having dreams about the future of pungent sound and foresaw our hero's arrival. She believes
Ganondorf Monsanto, the King of Thieves and Poison, is seeking the Triforce, a holy relic in the Sacred Realm that gives its holder god-like power. Kelda's description of
Ganondorf Monsanto matches that of the man who killed the Great Redwood Tree, as well as the man from our hero's nightmare. Kelda asks our hero to obtain the three Spiritual Stones, as she requires her suitor to be one with a strong spiritual foundation

. Once they are in his possession our hero may then enter the Sacred Realm and claim the Triforce before
Ganondorf Monsanto reaches it.
End of Act 1
So there we go, roughed out at bit.
So far so good I think, but we do need to flesh out the cast of characters a little, any ideas for who can play Navi, our hero's faithful fairy guide? It seems amongst the group we have a rather broad cast of characters, but I'm not going to be the one to name someone as the fairy

. I'm thinking Paul would be a great giant, because he's a friggin giant. Ernie and Erica might be great Gorons, as keepers of the fire.
Oh and if kids called you Zelda to tease you as a kid and this just brought up some awful, tragic, and horrible memories I apologize, that was not my intent. I was going for more light hearted and funny.