A Democrat and a Republican were asked to look at a glass halfway filled with water and to state how they viewed that glass . Half full or half empty . The Democrat said "I am an optimist . I always see the glass as half full" . The Republican said "Hey , who's been drinking out of my glass !" .
A man walks into his neighborhood pub and says to the bartender "O'Malley , give me a double whiskey" .
The bartender says "O'Shaughnessy , You seem dejected . What's on your mind ?"
O'Shaughnessy : "Look out that window O'Malley . Do you see that beautiful cobblestone street ? I laid everyone of those stones myself . I could be known as "O'Shaughnessy the Street Builder" !"
O'Malley : "Aye"
O'Shaughnessy : "And look out that window O'Malley . Do you see that covered bridge over the stream ? I built that bridge myself . Alone . I could be known as "O'Shaughnessy the Bridge Builder" !"
O'Malley : "Aye , It's true."
O'Shaughnessy {balling up his fists} : "But No , You go and fuck just one goat ....."
Two men walking through the country side come upon a deep wide hole in the ground. One says to the other" I wonder how deep it is?" The other says "we need to drop something into it and see how long before we hear it hit the bottom."
They look around and see an old junk transmission laying in the weeds nearby. They drag it to the hole and toss it in.
As they are listening for the transmission to hit bottom they notice a large ram ,running full speed up behind them, with its horns down. They push each other out of the way and the ram tumbles down the hole.
Soon a farmer walks up to them and asks them if they have seen his ram.
They say ,he had run up behind them and tried to butt them into the hole, but he had fallen into the hole when they jumped out of the way.
The farmer says , "no that couldn't be mine , I had him tied to a transmission over there."
(You'll probably only get this if you're Irish...)
Three Belfast girls go to a bar. Bartender says "What would you like?"
First girl says, "I'll have a whiskey and soda please."
Second girl says, "Whiskey and soda for me too please."
Third girl says, "Just a whiskey for me - I'm not hungry."
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....
And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
In Atlanta , Georgia a woman from Wales visiting America was convicted of driving while intoxicated . Her road sobriety test consisted of having to spell the name of her hometown . She was from Bwlchgwyn .
In Atlanta , Georgia a woman from Wales visiting America was convicted of driving while intoxicated . Her road sobriety test consisted of having to spell the name of her hometown . She was from Bwlchgwyn .
Well thank goodness she wasn't from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch else they'd have been all night checking the spelling...-
Before we emigrated, we lived in Llanddewi Brefi, which was all very well until it suddenly got launched to fame on Little Britain. Every time we got stopped since then we would insist that they ran the registration number through their little machine before we told them where we were from. And yes, it does have only one F.
Two hillbillies, Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head no. “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, “Ya know, I heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’, but I ain’t never seed nobody do it!”
I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and since she and her sister were owners of the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “ This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.” The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, “ We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to reading...
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently... Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared."
In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.
In Montana and South Dakota, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."
And, in TEXAS, he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before Icon get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About three hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he haste wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A lithe while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he let here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Trout, incidentally, had written a book about a money tree. It had twenty-dollar bills for leaves. Its flowers were government bonds. Its fruit was diamonds. It attracted human beings who killed each other around the roots and made very good fertilizer.
So it goes.
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