jokes

Charles Tarnard wrote:

Apparently not smart enough to embed youtube.

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them.

Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"

Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."

B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"

Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."

A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, do you mind if i buy you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks aways to his table.
After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"WHAT?! $200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!"

I am not crazy ! My mother had me tested.

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant. "Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less tits nigh on falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

An old woman with a huge purse walks into a bank and she demands from the teller that she sees the President of Manhattan's First Bank, and she has 4 million dollars in her purse for him to see. The teller calls the President, and he arrives shortly to decide whether or not this old lady is just senile.
The old woman approaches him and says "I have 4 million dollars in my purse, and I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square."
The President was completely taken aback, but recollected himself and asked to see the money. The woman opens her purse and sure as hell there is 4 million dollars all in racks of one-hundred dollar bills. He is awestruck, and the old woman again pipes up, "You've seen the money, and I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square. If you have any, come tomorrow at noon so you can lose 10 grand." With this, the woman departs.
At 11 the next day, The President decides he'll take the old lady's challenge. He knows his balls aren't square, and if the woman is serious he will get $10,000 for basically nothing.
He meets with the woman and sees her with a well-dressed man. The woman claimed that he was her lawyer, and that he will make sure the bet isn't cheated. She requests that The President drops his pants, and The President does so. She holds his balls, fondles them a bit, and lets them go. The old woman says, "Well, it seems your balls are round," and have him the money. In the background, the woman's lawyer is bashing his head against the wall. The President questions this and the woman proudly states with a smile "I bet him $100,000 that I'd have the President of Manhattan's First Bank's balls in my hand by noon today."