Givers and Takers

I'm aware that social media and online forums are commonplace these days, but I'm sure that I'm not the only one, especially on a site like this, that using them comes with a little hesitation. In a perfect world, we wouldn't need them. Word of mouth would be good enough. The only purpose I or other stubborn all-naturalists would use this technology for is to spread the word even further to let like-minded people know what is happening in "our" part of the world or to invite them to join "us", but as we all know, it's not a perfect world. The fact that permies is really the only forum like it (Thank you Paul and everyone who works and contributes to making this resource available to us! It's not something that should be taken for granted!) shows how much we need it. Posting here still feels like giving in though. Can you hear my inner argument going on? Haha, old habits die hard.

It's not a perfect world, but some days I still enjoy perfection, many days, actually, not in an ego-based way, but from Mother Nature. I made maple syrup this spring. That was a blast. I know the success that an independent person experiences imposing their hard working will on a situation only encourages them to believe that they can make it alone. Well, I should say get there alone. I have no desire to make IT alone. The whole purpose of life, to me, is to share and create a beautiful existence with others, but I and maybe other people like me got convinced early on that they need to achieve their goals and dreams by themselves. There's definitely something to be said for the crazies who dare to step out of line and dance to the beat of their own drummer. I'll admit that I have one person dance parties some nights when the perfection of living simply cannot be contained. Relying on oneself, not being overly needy and taking personal initiative are all great qualities, but I, also, know that they can create other not-so healthy habits like an inability to ask for help or maybe even a snobbish appearance because I'm not interested in joining a lot of people in mindless consumerism. -oops, that sounded snobbish. Sorry. I know a crucial part of one's personal journey is to learn how to make oneself happy before falling into codependent relationships with others who don't. For the single tree in a plastic forest, pull up your roots and run. Run someplace clean and quiet where you're not alone...even if, for now, it's only a virtual forest. Ugh.

Ok, I'm done preaching to the choir. I do have a reason for writing. The perfection I and I'm sure others feel when living the simple, off the grid life can be like a temptress keeping us solitary. One of the aspects that I've experienced since being able to get there alone is what I'm having trouble with. There are givers and takers in this world. To me, a person who is willing to sacrifice many of the creature comforts modern society tries to keep us dependent on and instead only wants to work in order to provide themselves with a simple, beautiful and natural life is a giver. It takes a lot of energy to pull this type of life off and a giver is willing to give it. What other people (people who are not reading this here) may not realize is that this energy is cyclical. It's Mother Nature's design. Duh. Give and she will give back. The difficulty I find myself having is that I'm awful at saying "No." I like helping people, but I find myself doing too much for others even when they live more comfortably than I do. I know it's because I lack enough social contact. Putting an alternator in a neighbor's plow truck, fixing another neighbor's ethernet line because they tripped over it and broke the jack, stacking cords of wood, etc. all for free. I'm not complaining. It's actually fun. It gives me a break from my own life, but there are more of them than there are of me. I'm like a one-legged table. It's very easy to lean me in the direction of doing something for someone else if they push hard enough. I need other legs to make me more stable. When it comes to personal convictions, I'm a mountain. No one's budging me on that stuff, but socially I'm only human so I give in to the takers. Giving is better. I believe this, but I know I need others to create a beautiful life that's meant to be shared. Some days I'm able to hold the line better, but often it's only because I've already committed to helping someone else, haha. I know they don't believe they're takers so I simply remind myself that they know not what they do. The solitary person has more time to reflect on their behavior and ask themselves why they do certain things in order to improve it and live more healthy and efficiently.  A lot of people just don't know themselves well enough, but when I look at the direction the world is heading I don't see a lot of it ending well. Too many takers.  

So what's the answer? Get a dog! Haha, as much as I miss my last four-legged sidekick (14 awesome yrs!), I know this is not the answer for me at the moment. Not yet;) The plan is to pull up stakes when my tiny house is ready to travel and I've got enough money saved up, hopefully by July, then I'm going to mosey along like a snail slow and steady working its way towards the ocean, or in my case a forest of other givers if they exist. I know they do. Let this be our little secret. I guess I just wanted to share this challenge in the hopes of reaching others who can relate to it and maybe even to remind them that they are not a lone, either, even if they feel like it sometimes. I hope I didn't sound too self-absorbed. Thank you for reading.

I hope you can find others with whom you will be compatible, having a tinyhouse means you can sojourne until you find them so that is good.

I was always a giver. And then over the years I've found myself frequently giving and giving until I have nothing left to give.

I go away for a while, rebuild myself a bit, then as soon as I feel able I just jump in and give a bit more. I can't seem to help myself. Or someone turns up and wants more. Or something happens and I lose more. I've become more and more of a recluse and yet somehow there's always something or someone that I seem to be just the right person to try to help.

It's not easy!  But I try to remember this, and try to spend what little energy I have as wisely as possible.

Yes, Riona, mobility is good. I envy the animals for only needing what and how Mother Nature made them. As minimally as I try to travel, they've got us all beat.

That's a very useful quote, Burra. Limits are definitely necessary. Setting them and trying not to be a people pleaser is the challenge when being a giver is one's only form of social contact. It's natural to want to be helpful to others. It's in our DNA. I'm not sure living alone is, at least, not in the modern world. A heart can't survive in a world created by the mind. Especially without other hearts. Living alone as close to nature as possible is a beautiful existence, but maybe loneliness leads a person to completely surround themself with natural beauty. Nature fuels and heals the heart when there aren't people in our lives to do so. Even Dick Proenneke wrote in his journal and made a movie about it (Alone in the Wilderness). That's pretty social behavior for someone living alone. Living off the grid close to nature is sometimes the lesser of two evils for me because there will always be a desire for social contact...until I get too much (or give too much) then I head for the hills, again, haha. It's the quality and premise of the social contact that I need to be conscious of, i.e. setting limits.

I prefer Mother Nature's limits. She is a healthy form of resistance. Most givers have a lot of energy and Mother Nature is often the only place that can contain it all. I don't and didn't mean to sound like I was putting people in categories in my original post, but that is how it sounded. We're all givers and takers at different times in our lives and in different areas of our lives on a global to a personal level. Living a solitary existence for a certain amount of time has given me the chance to see how and when I'm either taking or giving, but it's important to remind myself that being in a group of people for a short period of time whether at a party, group activity, restaurant, club or even the mall is not the same as living in a tribal/communal way. There's a big difference between sharing one's entire life with other people growing food, building homes, sharing our day to day lives compared to seeing a bunch of people for a little while then returning to our individual lives. Everyone's individual life is different. I try to become more self-aware of my interactions with others so that I can give more and take less which always feels good. Giving is better as long as I'm doing what I need to do in order to keep my cup full. This might take longer living alone, but it gives me more control over my surroundings. Giving up some of this control and being truly part of a group keeps me easily recharged like when I was back in school, being on a team playing sports or visiting different intentional communities over the years. Again, I know I'm preaching to the choir.

Beautifully written.
I wholeheartedly agree.

Thank you, Rose. Have fun and travel safe in Scotland. I'm a little jealous. I've been to Ireland, but not Scotland, yet.

All the best,
Chris