Polyamorous Permaculture People

Matthew Nistico wrote:

Juniper Oliphant wrote:I'm really surprised at how uncommon polyamory seems in the permaculture world.

But is it, really?  I'm curious that this is your observation.  Or were you judging simply by the traffic of posts on this thread?[...]

I'm really only judging on my extremely limited internet-social experiences, including a smattering of Discord, reddit, youtube, and the PDC I'm currently taking. Perhaps its just that we haven't discussed it, whereas in my other social circles its often something you discuss right away (queer, TTRPG, LARP, reenactment, burner-adjacent, & pagans). However, those are also environments where there is a highly cultivated bubble wherein people of marginalized identities are deliberately welcomed, and you are encouraged to be your "whole" self, unlike permaculture discussions which tend to steer extremely carefully clear of subjects like sexual orientation, race, gender identity, and relationship structures (ie, this is neither the place for people to discuss the nuances of FLDS polygamy nor LGBT+ rights). So maybe we've been here all along, and we just don't discuss it much.

Basically I was trying to say hello other poly folks, I haven't met any of you yet and I'm glad I'm not alone.

"burner-adjacent"...?

Matthew Nistico wrote:"burner-adjacent"...?

in-network with the types of people who go to Burning Man, but I myself do not go to the thing.

I second her observation.

Ah, I get it.  Thanks for explaining.

see I learn new stuff every day
so is polyamorous like, my wife and my girlfriend are lovers

I was honestly so excited to come upon this post this morning!
I actually discovered poly while taking my first PDC, one of the ladies introduced herself and said she was poly.
Later on that afternoon I went up and asked her about it, and she was amazing at answering my questions.

Things that are "Counter culture" often bleed into each other in my experience. Be that as it may, I haven't met many other poly people since within the community.
The dream is still to meet the right people and create an intentional community together though, and seeing this board reminded me that there are those people also looking for similar things!

Feel free to message me or reply!

bruce Fine wrote:see I learn new stuff every day
so is polyamorous like, my wife and my girlfriend are lovers

It depends.

That could be one way a relationship dynamic could work.  

Or...your wife and girlfriend may not have any sexual relationship whatsoever, much like my girlfriends husband and myself.

We're not best friends or anything - but we help each other with projects and get work done if necessary.

Much like how context and application "depends" in the world of permaculture - it does in the world of polyamory as well.

Here's something else to throw into the dialogue bucket:

Online dating.  

I got so fed up with it...but am considering giving it another shot.

What sites do you use and why?

I met my nesting partner through OK Cupid nearly 6 years ago, and primarily used OKC before that. Since then I've bopped around Tinder a bit, but the only other people I've actually dated in the last few years have come from in-person social circles. Maybe a date or two from a poly meetup over the years.  

As a demisexual person, OKC is more up my alley because I really need to know people and care for them before I'm sexually attracted to them. This being said, Tinder encourages the opposite of that, so its an interesting confidence booster but otherwise most of the folks I run into on there aren't on my wavelength.  I used Bumble for a minute when it came out but it was much more of a unicorn-hunter than anything else and that's not my jam. I know its old news but in-person things like meetups or venn-diagrammed-hobbies (insert jokes about poly people inviting you to board gaming nights here) tend to be best for me to make new connections.

What's interesting is that the only constant in life is change.

I have since realized that this dynamic *can't* be forced...yet that's exactly what I was trying to do.

Love does come naturally and while we love each other, I cannot continue in this relationship.

I'm not entirely sure if it was polyamory itself...or if it was the individual changes we are both going through - and it doesn't matter.

I was one of the many that tried to "force" polyamory on myself because it fit what I thought my ideologies were.

I was wrong.

Don't be afraid to change who you are as long as you can explain the why to yourself and the infinite creator.

Rob Kaiser wrote:Who is polyamorous?

This could be a place to discuss it!

I have been in a polyamorous relationship with my partner for a year now.

After much contemplation between all of us - we're realizing that this type of dynamic can't be forced.

It must come naturally.  It is no different than love.  It is love expressed in a manner outside of societal norms.

Seemingly quite appropriate within the permaculture spheres in my humble opinion...

What are your experiences with polyamory?

Rob Kaiser wrote:
I was one of the many that tried to "force" polyamory on myself because it fit what I thought my ideologies were.

I was wrong.

Don't be afraid to change who you are as long as you can explain the why to yourself and the infinite creator.

Yes. Don't put an expectation on yourself to fit some prototype of what a freethinker is, a person into permaculture, a this or a that. We know who we are inwardly and we can open up to ideas but never in such a way where we alter ourselves to fit something that doesn't fit us. It never works.

For me, polyamory would never work. I used to watch two ducks at San Gabriel park in Texas when I went on morning walks and they clearly had a monogamous relationship. I nicknamed them Ralph and Alice because sometimes they looked a little contentious. For some animals/people this is what we want. All other ducks be damned, they had each other.

I think the worst thing is when people, being human and capable of developing feelings for other humans who they wish 'would change' don't accept at face value that someone is not going to be able to be what you want/need. I think we've all done this, thought we should invest time into someone and those things we aren't okay with will change-- and even though it's not our fault if the other person was manipulative or deceptive in some way, it is something we're all responsible for. Knowing there is something wrong and admitting it to ourselves and acting accordingly. It's an act of self love. Even if it's not a situation where the other person is 'doing something wrong', but it is a situation where it's wrong for you, and for what you know you need.

I was raised in the Unitarian Universalists Association in the 80s, so I grew up knowing polyamorous folks from the beginning. I'm completely fine with it, I mean, I have three children and I love them all, I also love many of my friends. I personally don't have a polysexual relationship. Because that's just never come up in my life.
I think the key, that underlies this conversation though no one has explicitly said it, is that polyamorous people are humans. And humans are flawed, humans have baggage, humans get confused, humans make decisions, some good, some bad. And all of this leads humans to love and to hurt each other. If we always try to be open and transparent and explicitly communicate our needs, wants, and intentions, things usually go better and they almost always go poorly when we don't, no matter who is involved.

Emily Elizabeth wrote:

Rob Kaiser wrote:
I was one of the many that tried to "force" polyamory on myself because it fit what I thought my ideologies were.

I was wrong.

Don't be afraid to change who you are as long as you can explain the why to yourself and the infinite creator.

Yes. Don't put an expectation on yourself to fit some prototype of what a freethinker is, a person into permaculture, a this or a that. We know who we are inwardly and we can open up to ideas but never in such a way where we alter ourselves to fit something that doesn't fit us. It never works.

For me, polyamory would never work. I used to watch two ducks at San Gabriel park in Texas when I went on morning walks and they clearly had a monogamous relationship. I nicknamed them Ralph and Alice because sometimes they looked a little contentious. For some animals/people this is what we want. All other ducks be damned, they had each other.

I think the worst thing is when people, being human and capable of developing feelings for other humans who they wish 'would change' don't accept at face value that someone is not going to be able to be what you want/need. I think we've all done this, thought we should invest time into someone and those things we aren't okay with will change-- and even though it's not our fault if the other person was manipulative or deceptive in some way, it is something we're all responsible for. Knowing there is something wrong and admitting it to ourselves and acting accordingly. It's an act of self love. Even if it's not a situation where the other person is 'doing something wrong', but it is a situation where it's wrong for you, and for what you know you need.

This idea of fitting a prototype is a hard habit to break.

I built my business with this methodology, burnt out - almost shut it down, but decided to rebuild.

You are correct, we can never alter ourselves to encourage something that isn't natural for us.

Perhaps it was natural to give it an honest go the way I did...but it was natural for me to "return to center."

Those ducks make me smile and make my heart ache at the same time.

We've all wanted others to change...and we all want ourselves to change - even when it's inappropriate.

When we learn and what we do with what we've learned defines us...and yes - it *is* self love.

Thank you for the insightful response.  I appreciate it.