Gardening New Year's resolutions (funny)

I found this funny article about gardening resolutions and it made me smile since I can relate to some of them.

https://www.seattletimes.com/pacific-nw-magazine/ciscoe-morris-10-gardening-resolutions-he-might-even-keep/


Originally published Jan. 1, 2015
By Ciscoe Morris, former In the Garden writer

"MY IRONCLAD, will-not-break, 2015 New Year’s gardening resolutions:

• I will no longer order rare and unusual plants sent to my home from specialty nurseries, knowing it upsets the living tweetle out of my wife when she sees how much I paid for them. (Instead, I’ll have them sent to a neighbor’s house so I can sneak them into the garden when my wife isn’t home.)

• I will stop buying rare and unusual plants unless I know right where I’m going to put them. (Of course, that’s no problem, because I know that I can put them in the driveway until I figure out where to plant them.)

• I will not make a sour face when I look into the bag of goodies that folks bring to me at my garden talks and find Brussels sprouts rather than chocolate chip cookies. (Don’t forget to add nuts and the larger semisweet chocolate chips.)

• I will stay in great shape for gardening by making sure my diet includes all the good things that scientists recently have found are good for us, such as wine, beer, chocolate and Brussels sprouts. (When will they add hot-fudge sundaes to that list?)

• I’ll never again try to bring a 15-foot-tall Eucalyptus home in my Mini Cooper by standing it up through the sunroof. (Or at least if I do, I won’t use the drive-through at my local espresso place with the low overhang again.)

• I will not get mad when my pooch Fred buries his bones, his expensive toys, my expensive shoes, the neighbors’ brand-new gardening gloves, etc., under my valuable plants. (Instead, I will train him to bury his booty on my wife’s side of the garden.)

• I’ll never again have fresh manure delivered to my home on an 87-degree day. (I had no idea “the essence of Iowa” could permeate an entire neighborhood.)

• I will never again cut off the footies from my wife’s pantyhose when she isn’t home in order to use them to cover my apples to repel apple maggots. (It’s embarrassing to be seen with a woman whose nylons come down only to her ankles.)

• I absolutely never again will plug up the bathtub drain with soil by taking showers with my plants in an effort to rid them of bugs. (I’ll just be more careful to keep the soil from falling out when I turn them over to wash under the leaves.)

• The next time the rental place sends the wrong backhoe with controls opposite to the one I’m used to, I’ll call and ask them to swap it for the one I ordered. (This will be an easy resolution to keep because I’ve been banned from bringing backhoes home ever since I put a 2-ton rock through the side of the house.)

Happy New Year! "

Here's one I thought of for myself...
I resolve not to buy more seeds than I can use. Which is an easy one because how can I possibly buy too many seeds. I of course start them all. I may not have any where to plant them in the actual garden and end up leaving little orphan seedlings anonymously on my neighbors' doorsteps after they tell me they already have enough tomato plants and don't even like eggplant. And what delivery driver or door to door solicitor doesn't like being offered leggy languishing seedlings from the overflowing flats that end up sitting on my front porch?

I will not plant seeds of vegetables I do not like, even if they were a Christmas present from my sister. (To compound that, there are boxes of beans I don't like in the freezer.)
I will only plant enough purple sprouting broccoli plants to feed Mr Ara and our nearest neighbour, not every stray person using the footpath out the front of our property.
I will fix the door to the fruit cage to stop the blackbirds getting in and eating all the red, white and black currants.
I'm sure I will think of more later but will no doubt make more mistakes this year.

Ara Murray wrote:I will not plant seeds of vegetables I do not like, even if they were a Christmas present from my sister. (To compound that, there are boxes of beans I don't like in the freezer.).

Haha, this made me laugh! I keep planting chard every year even though I really don't like it because I have so many seeds that I got from someone. I keep telling myself that I need to keep trying to eat it and one day I'll like it but I never do eat it

I resolve to be GRATEFUL to the birds, for eating the bugs off my plants; for adding free fertilizer to the garden; and for picking up odd scraps of plastic detritus for me, then neatly and cutely weaving them into their humble homes...

instead of...

Being ANNOYED at the birds for eating the seeds I just planted; eating the fruit one day before it is ripe, which then is ruined; and living above the window frames and punching out the screens to the attic, shitting on the ground, and flinging straw all over the place.

Okay, okay...I'll be realistic...I'll TRY.  

I resolve to resist the urge to start vegetables plants super early. You would think I would of learned from lasts years glut of early tomatoes that kept outgrowing their pots. I barely kept them alive without rootbinding before I could get them into the ground. I don't want to do that again.

I resolve not to start too many garden projects that involve lots of digging such that I can't get planted in time to actually get a harvest the same year. (Hopefully the ones I dug last year will give me a good start this next year). I only have one big digging project this year (if you don't count our potential house extension), although it does involve a lot of mini hugels.....

I shall not plant zucchini.

I shall try not to get exasperated by the evil gophers who are digging up my gardens!

I shall continue to expand my  bee friendly landscaping (large apt complex) despite new managers. I shall be nice to said managers ( not let them know how much lawn in back I made into meadow)(nor how much I've terrorized uh retrained the landscaping crew).  I shall continue to convert other tenants (having already roped in a all the retired little ol' ladys in 3 (of buildings). I shall resist the urge to buy tropical nectar/fruit trees (until I have more room in my jungle uh sheltered patio).  I shall be grateful for my long suffering roommate  &cheerfully move orphan plants off the chest freezer to give to new tenants (to be replaced by abandoned plants from empty apts).

Oh, Leigh....I hope it isn't too long before you break your resolutions