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Burglar in red and white. Dale's home security scare. Knocked a guy out with golf club !

 
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I got quite a scare a few minutes ago. Some fool tried to break into my friend's house. I heard a bit of commotion at the place next door, but just figured it was a party breaking up for the evening. Then I hear this thump on the roof. The guy must have found my ladder and decided to go up there for whatever reason. He had some animals with him ! We figured he was going to try to break through a skylight, so I waited by the biggest one with the golf club ready to strike. It was a tense moment. I was sweating like a pig.

So, there I am waiting and nothing but a few footsteps, then swoosh, he comes down the chimney head first. Just as he was about to get his left leg free I popped him. Two solid whacks to the back of his head and three more to the neck. He was out. I dragged him to the center of the living room and checked him for weapons. He wasn't armed. He was quite stout and wore a red and white suit. Most burglars go for black or gray. I don't know how a guy that size could sneak in this way.

The only thing he had with him was a big bag to put stolen loot into, but it was already full of stuff that he stole somewhere else. I started digging stuff out of the bag. There were tools, toys, blankets, candy canes, bikes ... !!! I couldn't believe it. This bag would not run dry. We filled the living room to about seven feet high and then went to the garage and filled it. I came back in and started loading the kitchen and dining room with stuff. Then there was a knock at the door, which I figured was the cops. It was a little guy with pointy ears wearing a green suit. He blew some sort of dust in my face, then he woke up the thief and helped him out the door. They took the bag. I was a bit groggy from whatever was in that dust, so I couldn't stop them. My friend got a huge whiff of the stuff and he can't remember any of this. He woke up and looked around and then hollered to his wife and kids. "Hey, get down here, You won't believe how much stuff Dale brought us for Christmas." I explained that I got them 5 each and that I have to deliver the others to a charity tomorrow. -------------------------------------- Nope !!!

I'm gonna sell this shit. I'm gonna rent a big You Haul and peddle this stuff on boxing day. There must be a thousand different packages.

I realize now that I made a big mistake ops: . ------------------ I should have kept the bag!!! If Mr. Red Suit tries this next year, I'm gonna grab the bag. If any of those little guys are with him, I'll lock them up in the basement and make them work at something. It's gonna be awesome.

 
Dale Hodgins
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He hasn't visited me for a few years. I'm living somewhere different now and ready to catch him in the act. Wearing my asbestos mask, so that I don't get knocked out by the magic dust.
 
pollinator
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His transport is supposed to be quite noisy maybe you could listen out for it maybe tonight :-)
 
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Hey Dale, you putting that stuff online to sell? I want to check out the tools!! Throw me a link!

You amuse me sir :D

And something that may amuse you: my sister volunteers at a thrift store (really nice one) and took to texting me pics of things I don't get to have. She mailed me stuff for xmas, 2 foo dogs, one of them broken, and an itty bitty tea set that matches my china, also broken. Yay! Pretty things AND things to play with and fix! Broken things, my kind of gifts :)
 
Dale Hodgins
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I've had a bit of a nap, so will be able to stay up late and catch him in the act. This time I have a stun gun and some rope.

The little guys that were with him, seem quite strong and industrious. I have a basement that could accommodate several of them. Perhaps I'll get them to manufacture things, to pay for their keep. It might be dangerous to keep the big guy around, since he seems to be a shapeshifter.

I'll keep you posted.
 
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I thought we were supposed to hit intruders over the head with an Inuit soapstone statue.  Or did that go out of fashion?  

 
Dale Hodgins
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Yes, our former prime minister Jean Chrétien clobbered an intruder with a statue. Then he called security, who were sleeping on the job. Another time when a guy got past his protectors, at a public venue, he grabbed the offender by the throat and gave it a good wringing. And, he refused to let our banks go down the road of subprime mortgages, so, there's that.
.......
Holy crap, there's an eerie red glow outside the door. That reindeer wrangler is back! They're on the roof again. I'm pretty sure I forgot to lock the door. You'd think they'd check that first. Here we go. I've got my asbestos mask on, a helmet and the element of surprise. I think he's about to drop down the chimney again. I am going to zap him with the stun gun, then hammer him, with my hockey stick. It's on !!!   I'm very nervous. I will check in with you later, if I survive.
 
r ranson
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Good luck!
I'll get my cricket bat ready in case you fail and this red fella come here next.  I always wanted to raise reindeer.
 
Mother Tree
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Dale?  You've gone quiet.  Are you OK?
 
Dale Hodgins
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They broke in, using the same method as 4 years ago. I remember how hard it was to get this guy to go down, last time, so this time I was ready with the cattle prod. As he came down, head first, I stung him a good one, right in the neck. That worked really well. When he started to move, I used the hockey stick. But even after a dozen whacks, he got up and continued to fight. He was unbelievably fast and strong. It was like fighting Butterbean. You just don't expect a guy that size to move so fast. I took quite a few hard blows, and I'm sure I would have been beaten, had he not thrown me in the direction of the cattle prod. I stung him again and again. This seemed to immobilize him for about 15 seconds, each time. I sat there for at least 15 minutes, to catch my breath and think about what to do.  During that time,  I had to zap him at least another 60 times, as he started to move.

I tied him up, with some really good nylon rope. Used two rolls of duct tape, over the rope, just so that he wouldn't be able to squirm free. It didn't work. When he came to, he just glared at me, then popped those ropes like they were spaghetti. He was still entangled a little, then he sort of vaporized and flowed out of the ropes ! Knowing that I didn't have the energy to fight him again, I was ready with the cattle prod the moment he materialized. Stung him in the neck again and again. I did this every few seconds, for 10 minutes, and was a little worried about the battery of the cattle prod.

 There had been some noise on the roof, during the kerfuffle and then suddenly I was surrounded by 6 little fellows who didn't seem pleased with the turn of events. They all attacked at once, but I managed to subdue them with the prod. Duct tape worked really well on them. They don't seem to have the ability to vaporize.

After the little guys were subdued, I turned my attention back to the man in red. As he started to stir, I put the prod toward his neck,  and just before giving him another shot, he said, "Okay, okay okay. If you want it that bad, just take it." With that, he unzipped the suit and crawled out of it. The moment he exited the suit, his body transformed, into a regular looking guy, without the belly and beard. I threatened him with the hockey stick, and again he said "take it", as he opened the door and ran away, through the snow, in his underpants, with no shoes.
.......
I just sat there for a few minutes, catching my breath. One of the little guys would not stop wiggling, and gesturing toward the duct tape on his mouth. I removed it, being very careful not to be bitten. "Hurry up", he said. "Put it on. We are running out of time!" Noting my confusion, he explained..... "That was the old Santa, that you just chased out of here. You are now the owner of the suit, so it's your job now. Put it on, we have to finish the West Coast, and be to Hawaii in a couple hours."

That was a few hours ago, and I've only now had a little break, during the trip from Tahiti, to Hawaii. We are approaching now. I'll explain it all a little later, but it looks like I'm finally going to have the sort of power I've always craved. The little guy said that if we finish early, we can visit Moscow, Washington and a few other places. Certain people who have been naughty, will not find anything nice under the tree!

I'll update you a little later, after I get some much-needed rest.
 
Burra Maluca
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oh awesome - now that you're santa, do I get to choose pressies from your supply of goodies?  got a spare ceramic glass stove top handy? do you get to keep the reindeer?
 
Pearl Sutton
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Dale's the new Santa?? AWESOME!!
What I want for Christmas:
A bunch of those little guys to be cheap labor,
A whole bunch of mushroom spores,
And a way for you to psychically ship me a bunch of the cool things you recycle!

I offer REALLY GOOD organic chocolate cookies and goat milk :)
 
Dale Hodgins
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The main thing I can do for the Forum is to share my intimate knowledge of who is naughty and nice. Every moderator needs to know this.

So far as stuff goes I've decided to help people get their own stuff through spreading knowledge that will either help them to achieve it themselves or to realize that they don't need it in the first place. There will be some exceptions. I'm just resting up. Very tired.

I tried to get a picture of myself and the elves, (that's what they call themselves). But, it appears that we don't show up on film. As we were finishing off California, I caught a vampire trying to drain a guy. Turns out when I'm wearing a suit, I'm way stronger than they are. I took a picture of him, figuring that I would post it for later public viewing, but the same thing happened with that. Nothing showed up on my camera. Anyway, I grabbed him by the legs and gave him a spinning hammer throw into the Pacific. He's splashed down halfway between California and Fiji, so it should be a while before he bothers anybody.

More later, when I get my head around this. I'm really paranoid about where I should store the suit, when I'm not wearing it. It makes me almost invincible, but the moment I come out, I look like a young Robert Redford again, and I only have the strength of three men.
 
r ranson
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Dale, I want to talk to you about this lump of coal I found in the bottom of my sock.

Next time, can it be charcoal?  I don't really know what to do with coal.  
 
Burra Maluca
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Dale Hodgins wrote:So far as stuff goes I've decided to help people get their own stuff through spreading knowledge that will either help them to achieve it themselves or to realize that they don't need it in the first place. There will be some exceptions. I'm just resting up. Very tired.



Aha - I've just discovered that a few of your elves are on my friend list.  I've got them on the job.  The one in France is out of reindeer so although he has what I need he can't get it to me.  There are a couple who are doing runs from Ireland with spare room in their sleighs, or whatever their reindeer use for haulage, and they're gonna do a tour of their scrap yards before coming out here on their holidays next year.  I can't seem to find any elves more local than that, and I'm pretty much confined to quarters for the foreseeable, but those elves are awesome and I'm sure they'll find what I need.  

I'd best plant extra pumpkins so I can make them pumpkin pudding for when they arrive...
 
Dale Hodgins
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r ranson wrote:Dale, I want to talk to you about this lump of coal I found in the bottom of my sock.

Next time, can it be charcoal?  I don't really know what to do with coal.  



That coal was just a teaser. Thanks for the milk and cookies. Sorry about the dent on the roof gutter. Rough landing.

I'm doing a teardown on Ardmore Road, right on the ocean, near the golf course. That's not far from you and your dad. I expect that there will be some great stuff to scrounge, after the demolition sale. Not sure how plans are progressing for that barn, but I have some awesome Live Edge siding, which will be going at a bargain price.

I won't be wearing my new suit, so I will appear to be a mere mortal, when you arrive.

Your position near Victoria, could be almost like living at the North Pole. People are always trying to give me stuff that I don't need, so, as someone on the nice list, you could certainly be a beneficiary of that. :-)
 
Dale Hodgins
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Burra Maluca wrote:

Dale Hodgins wrote:So far as stuff goes I've decided to help people get their own stuff through spreading knowledge that will either help them to achieve it themselves or to realize that they don't need it in the first place. There will be some exceptions. I'm just resting up. Very tired.



Aha - I've just discovered that a few of your elves are on my friend list.  I've got them on the job.  The one in France is out of reindeer so although he has what I need he can't get it to me.  There are a couple who are doing runs from Ireland with spare room in their sleighs, or whatever their reindeer use for haulage, and they're gonna do a tour of their scrap yards before coming out here on their holidays next year.  I can't seem to find any elves more local than that, and I'm pretty much confined to quarters for the foreseeable, but those elves are awesome and I'm sure they'll find what I need.  

I'd best plant extra pumpkins so I can make them pumpkin pudding for when they arrive...



With my new position, I will be able to take credit for all sorts of things, that just happened on their own. I feel more powerful than a TV preacher. Before I had this job I was thinking that being Santa Claus has a lot in common with being Kim Jong il, or various deities. I know when people are sleeping, I know when they're awake, and most importantly, I KNOW IF THEY'VE BEEN GOOD OR BAD.  The mind-reading function is going to be awesome.... What's that, Henry, George and Kathy? You think I'm full of it?  Nothing for you, next year, unless you change that attitude !!!  

Speaking of shit , I'm really going to enjoy this position of power. A little earlier in the day, I had the elves clean out the stables. Turns out my magic gift bag can hold massive amounts of almost anything. I dropped by a large Monsanto installation and dumped the contents of three barns full of crap, into their chimney. Every employee got a little bit of pig poo in their stocking.

That last jolly fellow was in for 250 years, before I evicted him from the suit. Those who have been naughty, may need to get their own cattle prod. I'm sending some of the elves in for ninja training. We will spend some of our down time dealing with those on the naughty list.

When I first started writing this story, I had no idea where it was going. The best we can do is to play the hand we're dealt, and go with the flow.
 
David Livingston
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I'm more impressed that RR has a cricket bat and am wondering is she available to play for England :-)
as England is not doing too well at the moment... Again :-(
David
 
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dang, I'd say something but I think I cracked some ribs from laughing so hard.
 
Dale Hodgins
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Apparently, I'm supposed to wait until next Christmas, before making another run. But I've decided that we should do a run tonight. We're going to reclaim 1 Megaton of items from those who have been naughty, and then redistribute them to some of the best ones on the nice list. Robin Hood is pissed. Check under your tree, or where your tree used to be, tomorrow morning.

If, you are unable to find your new scarf, or watch, or whatever, you'll know what happened. If, by chance you discover an unopened gift, in near future, you're welcome.

I'm bringing my cordless framing nailer and flamethrower along tonight. So, don't get any ideas, if you've got a golf club ready. Have you seen Home Alone?
 
Dale Hodgins
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A lot of things have happened since I took over the role of Santa Claus. I had a bit of spare time in the summer so me and the elves did a few laps around the globe, dealing with those on the naughty list. Quite a few flat tires, we unplugged some freezers and took money from the bank accounts of theives. The money thing became necessary, since the elves were talking about unionizing and they want back pay. The last guy hadn't paid them in 250 years. I could see paying them for the time served with me, but 250 years sort of counts as a pre-existing condition.

Last year's deliveries went pretty smoothly. If you didn't get anything, you know why. Some of you may have noticed a cloudiness to your water. The elves pee in cups if someone hasn't been nice.

The Ninja training is going pretty well. We're practicing mostly slapping. I think more serious punishments should be left to the courts. I've instructed them to give all polluters a few dozen slaps, throughout the year when they least expect it. But they still deliver one on Christmas night whenever it is deserved.

We are starting to deliver organic fertilizers. Turns out there was a spare bag. It is being loaded with mega tons of stone dust, meant to help fertility. People on the nice list can expect better growth next year. If you notice some grit on your windshield, that's me. Sorry it's not very accurate from 50,000 ft. We had to go that high because of a few close calls with air traffic.

Well I've got to get going. We start this year's deliveries in a few minutes. Hopefully it will go off without a hitch, but the elves told me that last year was a fluke. Usually, some very strange things go on, especially when we are caught in the act, by children who stay up watching and by those who covet the suit.

I'll let you know soon how it all went.
 
Dale Hodgins
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This is embarrassing. I had to pee a few minutes ago, and I unzipped the suit. We are doing Englund right now. I just gave most of the Royals their slap. Then I went to the Tower of London and pried off one little jewel from one of the crowns, that I'm sure won't be missed.

Anyway , I should have pulled the zipper back up before doing any more houses. I can slip through the tiniest of cracks, but there was a big old house built in the 1700s with a big chimney, so I decided to go head-first, since that's how the old guy did it. The suit caught on some of the creosote and I went shooting down the chimney naked. Now I'm stuck here, upside down and the suit is about 25 feet above me. I'm only writing this because I need to take a breather. I'm surprised that I'm even getting reception. I shouldn't have had all those beans for supper. This is a confined space. I'm glad they aren't having a fire tonight. Well, I guess I'm going to do my backward crab crawl, but it's incredibly difficult going straight up.
 
r ranson
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Um... I don't know if I want to know the answer, but if the suit and the pockets are stuck up the chimney, and are wearing no clothes, how did you get your phone to write that last bit?
 
Dale Hodgins
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The phone fell out of my pocket and although it bounced around a bit on the way down, I managed to catch it in my ass cheeks.

I was really in a bad way, being upside down for so long and getting light-headed. Then someone opened the baffle and started piling firewood and tearing paper. I thought this might be it. I might burn while in this very vulnerable position.

It's a good thing I had those beans last night. The fire was lit and I took a big breath of air before the smoke reached me. Then I waited, until the first sparks came my way. Once sparks were whipping past me, I did it. I let out a glorious fart. This sent fire shooting up the chimney and it sent me down like a jet engine, so fast, that I broke a few bricks and slid through the gap created by a rather large baffle. I know, I'm baffled to. I slid right across the living room and got the worst rug burn of my life. I was naked the last time this happened, but that's another story. An entire family was sitting on the couch, and as you might imagine, they were quite startled. Santa Claus training, I yelled as I ran out of the house and watched the sky, to see what had become of my suit.

I searched and searched, and then suddenly I saw the suit wiggling. Benedict, one of the smaller elves, was trying to put it on, so that he could claim my position as Santa Claus. I climbed up some vines that were attached to the wall, and then clawed my way to where he was. I grabbed him and then threw him hard into the snow, just like football players do when they get a touchdown. We left him there and continued on our way, after I was dressed.

We've stopped in Australia and the reindeer are getting some rest. An alternate team of kangaroos is handling things for the South Pacific run. We're just doing the harness change over and then, I must be on my way again.
 
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Dale Hodgins wrote:They broke in, using the same method as 4 years ago. I remember how hard it was to get this guy to go down, last time, so this time I was ready with the cattle prod. As he came down, head first, I stung him a good one, right in the neck. That worked really well. When he started to move, I used the hockey stick. But even after a dozen whacks, he got up and continued to fight. He was unbelievably fast and strong. It was like fighting Butterbean. You just don't expect a guy that size to move so fast. I took quite a few hard blows, and I'm sure I would have been beaten, had he not thrown me in the direction of the cattle prod. I stung him again and again. This seemed to immobilize him for about 15 seconds, each time. I sat there for at least 15 minutes, to catch my breath and think about what to do.  During that time,  I had to zap him at least another 60 times, as he started to move.

I tied him up, with some really good nylon rope. Used two rolls of duct tape, over the rope, just so that he wouldn't be able to squirm free. It didn't work. When he came to, he just glared at me, then popped those ropes like they were spaghetti. He was still entangled a little, then he sort of vaporized and flowed out of the ropes ! Knowing that I didn't have the energy to fight him again, I was ready with the cattle prod the moment he materialized. Stung him in the neck again and again. I did this every few seconds, for 10 minutes, and was a little worried about the battery of the cattle prod.

 There had been some noise on the roof, during the kerfuffle and then suddenly I was surrounded by 6 little fellows who didn't seem pleased with the turn of events. They all attacked at once, but I managed to subdue them with the prod. Duct tape worked really well on them. They don't seem to have the ability to vaporize.

After the little guys were subdued, I turned my attention back to the man in red. As he started to stir, I put the prod toward his neck,  and just before giving him another shot, he said, "Okay, okay okay. If you want it that bad, just take it." With that, he unzipped the suit and crawled out of it. The moment he exited the suit, his body transformed, into a regular looking guy, without the belly and beard. I threatened him with the hockey stick, and again he said "take it", as he opened the door and ran away, through the snow, in his underpants, with no shoes.



Ever since he's been The Champ!
 
Dale Hodgins
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The reindeer are back in harness and we're getting close to wrapping things up. I figure another half hour and we're done.

There's been a few hiccups. At one point I stood up when I shouldn't have and was blown off the sled, somewhere around Mount Kilimanjaro. It was a little scary coming down, but the landing didn't hurt at all. I was confronted by a group of hyenas almost immediately, but when I threw one of them about half a mile, the others backed off.

The elves were completely oblivious to my absence, until they got to a group of houses and I didn't do anything. So they retraced their path and when I saw them coming, I jumped. Turns out I can jump about 5,000 feet, which comes in pretty handy. On the first jump they swooped down towards me but I had already landed by the time they got to my position. So I jumped again and this time, they pulled the sled in under me for a flawless drop, right onto the seat of the sled. We continued on our way and had to really hurry to make up lost time.

I hit send earlier, but there's no cell service in many parts of rural Africa. We are all done now and I think it went off pretty well.

I was caught by many children, who waited up late to see me. Each time this happened, one of the elves would blow some of that dust into the kids face and then lay them somewhere safe to sleep it off.

I also caught many couples in compromising positions. Turns out that lots of people get up to some hanky panky in front of the fireplace. We went through about 100 kg of magic dust. I found out a few minutes ago that one of the elves has a photo collection, from these incidents. We've talked about how inappropriate that is, being that it's people in their private home, but he's unwilling to part with it. I think I may have to pry it out of his hands.

Another one of the elves has been stealing. We discovered a bag with a variety of things. He doesn't seem to be particular on what he steals , it's just a bit of a compulsion. We found false teeth, keys, Q-tips, several potato chips and a bunch of those little figurines that used to come in tea. He's just a compulsive grabber and doesn't even have any use for this stuff. We'll either return it next year or donate it to a charity. Every one of the little buggers has tried on the false teeth, despite my telling them that this is just not right.

Later we will do a review of what went right, and what went wrong. Millions of deserving people didn't get their gifts, and a good number of undeserving people did quite well. This happens every year, so I have to see where we're getting this list from.
gift
 
Diego Footer on Permaculture Based Homesteads - from the Eat Your Dirt Summit
will be released to subscribers in: soon!
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