I am a city
dweller who had no direct experience
with animals outside of keeping them as pets, so I think
I can relate to how you are feeling. I started raising chickens and my family members all kind of gave me a look when I said I was going to start slaughtering them myself. They had never done it so they kind of had the same feeling. So when the time came to kill the first one I was pretty sad a sort of worried. I had thought long and hard about myself and the act of killing and already decided that if I was going to be a good care taker of this flock I had to be the one to do it. When the time came it was stressful partly because I did not really know what I was doing, but I got through it and eventually ate my chicken
Because of everything I know about what chickens like to do and what I am consciously doing with the chickens inside my "system", the feelings of being unsure and emotional at dispatch time have completely passed. It is as if I just got used to it and gained a different appreciation for the nature of chickens and the nature of myself.
I have a lot more chickens than when I started, because I have eaten a lot less than they have created. They are better off (manageable) because of the ones I've eaten.
It was difficult to face up to the direct connection of the kill, but in the end I would rather be directly connected and face my feelings instead of just going to pick up some chicken
at the store and be able to avoid it.