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pollinator
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A mixed bag today.  I live in Ontario but I don't want to and I can't afford to.  I would like to move out east, maybe about half way right now, so about 800 miles, where land is cheap and mosquitoes are numerous.  I visited my dad today at his nursing home to tell him that I was going to head out east as soon as I can.  It went about how I thought it would.

In the end, my dad told me that he feared I'd end up picking strawberries and cucumbers in the fields.  But, like, you know, like it was a bad thing.  The first thing that came to my mind was "Yeah, that'd be great!", the second, "Wait, don't you think I'm smart enough to get people to pay to pick them themselves?", but I knew he wouldn't want to hear any of that.  He truly, deep down, doesn't believe I can take care of myself.  He's a very nice man, probably top 10 worldwide husband, and a very good father in many ways.  He just doesn't see any value in the skills I have.  Boggles my mind.  He told me this after I had taken him to the bathroom twice, the second time changing his diaper and cleaning him up so that he didn't have to wait for the PSW.  Apparently I'm the only family member that does this at the home.  This is not his dementia talking; he was quite with it today and he's been giving me the same message for about 43 of my 48 years.  Maybe more, because I was probably a disappointment as a toddler, too.  

He was pretty upset.  I told him that I was looking to go as soon as possible, but that I'd be back to see him this weekend.  I'm not sure if I want to see him again after that.

On the good side, I called a guy who's got a property in the middle of Nowhere New Brunswick that has some 'pasture' and some woods.  I think we've got an agreement in principle for me to rent the property for about $500/mo.  There's a house with no utilities that needs to be gutted, probably, but the owner is very upfront with the condition.  There're also 2 job openings for a dairy herdsperson less than 10 klicks away, and I'm a person who's fondled cows for a living before, so I'll give them a call tomorrow.  Also, I've developed an immunity to mosquito bites, so I've got a competitive advantage in that environment.  For the 2 days a year that there are only mosquitoes and no deer flies...
 
master pollinator
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Location: Victoria British Columbia-Canada
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Never let relatives guilt you into giving up on anything that you want to do. It doesn't matter if they have dementia or if they are 2 years old. People who have a negative opinion of what you want to do with your life, are best ignored. The greatest threat to anyone realizing their dreams, is inaction.

I left Ontario when I was 29. That was about 9 years too late. If I lived on a nice farm there I would have had a different opinion of it, but I was in the city and I couldn't see that I could possibly afford to buy a farm there, so I didn't try. Leaving was the absolute right decision. I've been back four times in 25 years. When I moved  to British Columbia, I said, just tell people I've gone to a better place. Within two years of moving to British Columbia, my net worth was several times what it was when I left Ontario.

Now I'm moving to the Philippines, to start an agroforestry business, but mostly because I have a fiance there and my assets here are worth vastly more where I'm going. The same naysayers that wanted me to remain half a mile from where I was born, believe that this is a horrible decision. These are the members of the family who've never really done anything with their lives. You can probably guess how much stock I put in their opinions.
 
pollinator
Posts: 580
Location: South of Capricorn
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oh Amen about not letting that guilt stop you. It took me a long time to realize that all that negative had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with other people's baggage. (lots and lots of therapy, and all i got was this lousy T-shirt)
You say it yourself- you already go above and beyond what other people are doing, and yet still it isn't good enough. I grew up that way and made a break for it as soon as I got the chance. Went as far as possible, and never regretted it.

As I always tell my daughter- in the end all you have is you, and you need to be happy with yourself for who you are. You sound like you've got a great start in that regard. I wish you all the luck in the world with your move!
 
pollinator
Posts: 3124
Location: Toronto, Ontario
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If you find a better deal elsewhere, take it. Do listen to reason, if there's anything reasonable about it, but don't let others' negativity sway you.

It's a balancing act on a knife-thin edge at times, because oftentimes people with actual good advice are so wrapped up in their perspective that they can't think out of their box enough to see the merits of your idea.

We run up against it all the time. Apart from hurting the feelings of people you might otherwise love or respect, you also don't want to miss actual nuggets of wisdom, should there be any. But you have to pan that stream to find out if there's any gold.

And let's just say, with some streams, you don't need a geology degree or take water samples to know it's full of toxic shit.

We'll be sorry to lose you here in Ontario, but who knows? I liked New Brunswick and Nova Scotia when we drove through. Hell, except for all the fucking bunting on every lamppost in the middle of August, I even liked some of what I saw of Maine (I might have been a bit deranged at that point, after nearly two weeks on the road with my much-better-half's family, but what I saw was pretty).

But we'll see you here on permies, I'd wager. Good luck, and keep us posted.

-CK
 
Timothy Markus
pollinator
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Thanks for the support, guys; I really appreciate it.

Chris Kott wrote:If you find a better deal elsewhere, take it. Do listen to reason, if there's anything reasonable about it, but don't let others' negativity sway you.

It's a balancing act on a knife-thin edge at times, because oftentimes people with actual good advice are so wrapped up in their perspective that they can't think out of their box enough to see the merits of your idea.-CK



I always try to listen to reason, but most of the advice my dad has given me hasn't been good advice for me and we've both paid for it.  I'm much different than my parents, brother and sister.  They think the only way to live is to get a good job, bust your ass for the company, then retire.  They are all smart but they don't have any practical abilities, and they see no value in working with your hands.  Buy new cars so you never have to worry about maintenance, if something breaks, replace it, stuff like that.  I stopped listening years ago and I mostly gave up talking about stuff.  I'm pretty much OK with it all at this point, but hearing it all again when I say I'm going to leave sucked.  Like I said, my dad's a very nice guy.  I think that he thinks that he failed me as a parent and that's why I am the way I am and he's truly worried about my future.  It's time to move on, though.  

The real heartbreak is leaving my daughter.  20 years is far too short a time for her to live with me, imo, but she's ready.  She's very supportive, which is awesome.  Last night she asked me how it went with my dad.  When I told her his comment about picking strawberries and cucumber, she thought it was a good thing, like me.  
 
gardener
Posts: 6274
Location: Vilonia, Arkansas - Zone 7B/8A stoney, sandy loam soil pH 6.5
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Always be true to your self, you are the only person you can always please. Besides Life is supposed to be an adventure and it is hard as hell to have adventure by staying put in one place.

Good luck and best wishes to you in finding what you want for you.

Wolf and I were talking just last night about how "while vacations are nice, we are now at a place where the place we live is vacation enough".
We take short half day trips on occasion but our farm is what we have wanted for a long time and now that we have it the grass is far browner on the other side of the fence.

I moved 34 times by the age of 18 and I've moved 19 times since then.
I've climbed mountains, been to war, jumped out of perfectly good airplanes, died twice and finally realized what I wanted for me, then I went and searched for 3 years to find that special piece of the earth mother that I was supposed to take care of and nurture.

Redhawk
 
pollinator
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Location: Western central Illinois, Zone 6a
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When I "left home" there were a lot of mixed reactions. A lot more when we moved back. What I observed was that those who are going to speak negatively about it, or have negative opinions, always will. They are never going to see it the way you do, so it's best to leave them where they are and hope that one day they will be able to accept themselves and then you for who you are.

In my case one individual in particular within the family still "has talks" with my wife (they are on my wifes side of the family) about how there are no jobs here, we should uproot and move closer to them because the jobs are everywhere, etc.
Never once have they bothered to ask us what we wanted. You know what? We are fine where we are at. Our needs are met. We have food on the table, clothes on our backs, and a place my children can be kids and get to know BOTH sets of grandparents.(That's a good thing) I'm home every night and can tuck my children into bed, and see them every morning before going to work. Would a "better job" be nice? I've been there and done that, and literally have a pile of shirts to prove it. Every job I was on we got shirts... so many shirts...

Go see the world. Those other people will still be there if/when you get back.

Going back to where you came from is not the same as never having left.

May your journey be a blessed one.
 
Timothy Markus
pollinator
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Thanks Doc and Caleb.  

I haven't always lived near my parents; pretty much from 18 on I was on my own except for a couple of terms in school when I was working.  I've lived in Germany and in Vancouver (I think my parents still blame me for my brother moving out there) and I've mostly lived at least an hour and a half away from my parents, so I'm fine with cutting the cord.  

Just under 3 years ago I was about to hit send on an offer to buy a house in New Brunswick right by the ocean.  My daughter was living with my parents for college, so I figured I'd better talk to her about it one last time.  She told me that she wanted me to move here so we could live together until she graduated.  I was very happy about the extra couple of years with her, so no regrets, but my parents' health and other issues have sucked me right back in the last year or so.  

My mom's making it very easy for me.  She's being super passive aggressive at me right now but I ran out of fucks to give a few weeks ago when I had to pick her up off the floor in the middle of the night, yet again, and I had to get her bandaged up.  

It seems like the rental agreement is on track and I could realistically leave within a week.  I'm super pumped about it and working towards pulling everything together.  I'll be making some posts about what I'm looking at and where to start.
 
gardener
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Timothy Markus wrote: "Wait, don't you think I'm smart enough to get people to pay to pick them themselves?",  



That made my week!
 
gardener
Posts: 495
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Ouch. I feel for you. I have a similar thing with my dad having been a loving and involved dad but having absolutely zero understanding or respect for anything I do. He also believes that I cannot take care of myself and calls up my mom (his ex-wife) on a regular basis to talk about what I will do when they are gone since I am so worthless and unsuccessful. This despite the fact that I am thirty one, and take care of him as well as myself. And sometimes I still fall for the trap of wanting him to think the things I do are neat or admirable or worthwhile, and talk to him about them, and it ALWAYS ends in pain, so I have almost totally eliminated the tendency, but still occasionally slip. And sometimes the conversations are important and cannot be avoided, but they still suck. It sounds like you are on the right track. I have totally extracted myself from the “family” business in recent months (actually his business where I was unpaid labor) and am in the process of extracting myself from the caregiving situation, and it is such an enormous relief. Sometimes I look around and take in a big breath and a huge wave of relief and exhilaration washes over me. I hope you find your place and it turns out wonderfully.
 
Dale Hodgins
master pollinator
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Jennifer, we each decide what success looks like for ourselves. It may be at your father's idea of success is far removed from your own and he will never get it. It only matters that you follow your path and that you feel successful in that endeavor.

To quote the Rolling Stones in Shattered

"Ain't you hungry for success, success, success, success
Does it matter?
Does it matter?"

It matters only the amount that you choose to believe it matters.
 
Jennifer Richardson
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Dale,

It’s definitely a matter of extremely disparate definitions of success. I am happy with the life I have chosen and consider myself successful in my chosen pursuits and according to my own values. I have no debt, could live for several years on my savings, control 95% of my time, spend 0% of my time bemoaning my shitty job or soul-sucking romantic relationship, and think that I am a reasonably smart, happy, decent, and interesting person, unlike the vast majority of conventionally “successful” people I know. So I think my life is better than theirs, and thus more successful. My dad will only consider me a successful adult if I suddenly get a personality transplant and start making $100,000+ annually doing something fancy enough for him to brag about, while also finding a husband and having a kid or two. But despite knowing this, and despite disagreeing with his opinion of me, it still hurts my feelings when I am reminded that he is not proud of me. But it hurts less as time goes by and I get better at brushing it off. The general public’s opinion only bothers me insofar as I have to deal with wearying attempts to force me to fit their paradigm, which are minor but ceaseless.
 
Dale Hodgins
master pollinator
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Personality transplant. I love that expression.

I think most of us are aware that I'm marrying a woman  35 years my junior. If I were to get caught up in what everybody thinks, I'd never get anywhere. Shock and whispering, calculators come out. But my personal situation is actually very much in line with my view of success.

I've chosen an unorthodox path that the vast majority, including myself, find unusual. It's going to piss some people off, make others jealous and give tongues a reason to wag. People like to have something to bitch about, so I'm actually providing a public service. My brother who's involved in drugs is enjoying a reprieve. Because nobody in the family, wants to talk about his never-ending saga right now. My transgression is new and far more interesting.

I've received phone calls from people who I consider failures. Two of them are relatives who married poorly. I wouldn't trade their situation for mine if you gave me a million dollars, but they have decided that my situation is not what success looks like. That's something for me to mull over, if I ever get bored while developing my plantation with my fiance, on a tropical island. As you can imagine, it won't be a top of mind thing. Just a little reminder that we are all different and we all think differently.
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