How to deal with being an outsider

Most of use either have a place that we have moved to…. Or have plans to get that place.  In either case, we find ourselves dealing with being the outsider.  I have lived on this site since 1999.   I don’t live on the Dean place.  I live on the Boyd place ….even though Mr Boyd is dead and moved off this property around 1984.  The point is, in the eyes of the community, this is not really my property …..even though I have lived here longer than the previous 2 owners put together (there was about a 5 year period when it was empty).

Being a “loner”, I don’t mind being the outsider, but most people are far more social than me.   As a newby, how did you get more accepted in your new community?

When we bought our homestead, we moved to a very closed no outsider town.

Of course, the townspeople had no control over outsiders moving in though they had control over how they treated newcomers.

My kids were lucky because their school friends did not treat them that way, like newcomers.

Though I feel, everyone sometimes feels like an outsider...

It may never change, lol. My grandparents bought the family farm in '49 or '50 I think. It was deeded off of a much larger tract owned by a guy named Perry at the time. It has a Lamb Field, Lamb Spring and Lamb Cemetery on it. We still call those areas by those names today, even though we have no idea who that Lamb guy was.

From the other side, at least in my area the key to becoming part of the community is first and foremost: do not try to change the community to fit your foreign ways. You will make enemies that will last until the day you move away. The country is quite laid back. Many people from cities would do better if they understood this better. Small talk, no matter how disdainful one may find it, is a necessity. Keeping up with the local favorite sports team is a very easy way into a community. Once established, then you can introduce some of your foreign ways to your new friends. Especially the ones that would make their lives easier, and you can adopt theirs that make your life easier. That's what community\friendship is all about anyway, right?

John,

I wish I knew what to do in your specific situation but your case reminds me of when I was first teaching.  I deliberately lived out of district—I really didn’t want my students knowing where I lived—and at the last minute I found a house to rent in a small town that I feared might be especially insular.  My approach to integrating myself into the community was to walk—a LOT.

Walking was my daily stress reliever and I aimed to walk about 1/2-1 hour per day.  I took all sorts of different routes.  Over time I got to be known as the “walker.”  Later I was known as the walker who left very early every morning and eventually the walking teacher who worked very hard, got up very early and walked every day.

This was a great experience for me.  The whole community looked out for me.  When I was gone over summer (a different story entirely), my expanded neighbors watched out for my house.  One of my my standard walks was walking down and paying my monthly water bill.  Over one summer I missed a payment and incurred a late fee (the mail did not catch up).  When I got the bill I walked down to the office, explained my situation and asked if she could waive the late fee.  She agreed on the grounds that I was always the first person to pay the bill.

I got to know other residents of the town and they were overwhelmingly very nice to me (one woman tried not-so-subtly to marry me off to her daughter!  I was already engaged and I politely declined).  I had a truck at the time with a broken alarm/dinger that should go off when I stop the vehicle and get out with the lights on, reminding me to turn them off.  Several times I left my truck lights on, draining the battery.  But never for long as a nice neighbor would be over to remind me that my lights were on.  Honestly, they were some some of the best neighbors I ever had, but much of that is because I tried to be a good neighbor first.

The short of the story was that I made myself very visible and innocuous.  Apparently the previous occupants of my house had not been so great so anyone with any remote sense of decency was a breath of fresh air (I didn’t outright trash the place or stuff garbage under the crawl space!).

John, I am sure that you are a good neighbor—you have indicated as such several times.  I don’t know how much of this applies to you but this reminded me of my first house I rented while in the area.

Eric

Eric, walking is an excellent way to get to know folks and for folks to get to know you.

They see you in the grocery store and think that is the guy I saw walking in the neighborhood.

John said, "I have lived on this site since 1999.   I don’t live on the Dean place.  I live on the Boyd place ….even though Mr Boyd is dead and moved off this property around 1984.  

As in John's case, this may go back to the way land records were kept hundreds of years ago.

Or even the way directions were given using landmarks.

"Go passed that big tree then pass the Boyds Place until you get to the Smiths Place."

How to deal with being an outsider is probably easiest if a person gets out and joins the different organizations, and volunteers at the hospital, or other places.

I have also found that walking is a good way to meet the neighbors. It's neutral territory so it seems to be easier to talk with people and if the conversation becomes uncomfortable it's easy to break off. Along those lines, we don't discuss religion or politics if at all possible during a casual encounter.

We moved here over four years ago and because we walk to the mailbox, we occasionally meet one of our neighbors driving down the road. Over the years, we've met all the people that live on our dead-end road this way. We've developed good relationships with several couples and their families.

Hi Eric,

I am quite happy with my relationship with my community.   My intent with this thread is to provide ideas for people newly arriving on their property. Of course, you provided some excellent ideas.

I found where the group of coffee drinkers would congregate on Saturday mornings.  It was the small engine repair shop / saw shop.  I stopped in a bunch of Saturdays to get a new saw blade or to get a few blades sharpened.  I also took half a pound cake that I got my wife to make to drop off.  Let me tell you they would notice when I walked in and did not have cake.  I took some time, but I was able get to know a few of the key people and the word spread around the town.  

Supporting the community also helps to get known.  Shopping local cost more sometimes, but worth it in the long run.  Do not use the local stores just when you forgot something.

I'm now the "funeral bean guy".  Just give me a text when there is a death in the family and I will set up a time to drop off a pot of my funeral baked beans in one of my bean crooks.

In the small countryside villages of northern Germany we are naturally a bit more locked when it comes to social contacts.
It takes a while or decade that outsiders are integrated but will always be the newbies.

In our history the main event was kicking the neighbor tribes butts and only as the Romans and Spaniards tried to conquer us and the Franks tried to make us Christians the tribes fought together and were pretty successful.

This is still in our nature and I can live with it.
Until I moved to Thailand and married a Thai wife.
Just about everyone wanted to know me better and be a friend.
It took me years to get used to it, I responded friendly, was polite and beside T tried to keep social distance as a Frisian.

Walking helped a lot, but also participate in all events like harvests, parties but even shopping to show your face helps to get more contact.
I am quite happy with that what I am, a Frisian and if you do not have to say something, mind your business and go your way.

I guess to be a newbie or a cool fellow is all about the interests and character the individual person has...

Reminds me of an anecdote I read somewhere:

A family who had moved to a small town understood that they would never be considered locals, but thought surely their children born there would be considered locals...
To which an oldtimer replied, "A cat can have her kittens in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits."

Nothing rubs locals the wrong way like an outsider moving in to the area, and then complaining about something that has been going on long before they arrived.
I think if people who move to an area are respectful of the ways of the locals, they may find acceptance and inclusion - eventually...

John F Dean wrote:Being a “loner”, I don’t mind being the outsider, but most people are far more social than me.   As a newby, how did you get more accepted in your new community?

My suggestions for being accepted are:
  1. Smile and wave at everyone.
  2. Join a church (even if you're not very religious)
  3. Don't make waves for your first year or two.
  4. Walk around with a dog or push a stroller and you're sure to meet people.  

Yes when I moved into this area, I was accepted pretty quickly….to the degree I wanted to be.  I had the good fortune of moving into an area with 25% unemployment, taking over a small company, and quadrupling the workforce.  It is an easy way to get liked.

At the same time another individual moved in and she smothered the newspaper with letters to the editor detailing everything that was wrong in the community.  She even ran for mayor so she could lead the uneducated natives to civilization. Eventually, she moved away. To this day I can’t remember her name.  She was only known as B-1 ( as in Bitch-1).   I spoke with her on several occasions, and she seemed pretty nice.   She just couldn’t help herself from trying to improve the community.  Of course, she forgot that the very traits that drew her to this community were the ones she was trying to change.

Meet your neighbors. And make sure that when any of them say something bad about the area, you remind them that you chose this place out of all the other places on Earth. Here in northern Minnesota, people always talk about the weather being rough. And when they do, I talk about how pretty the snow is and how nice the summers are, and how easy it is to pull on a hat. (Getting warm is much easier than getting cool!)

Also, chat up the folks who deliver your mail. They know everyone and they'll pass it around that you're OK.