13 Years in USA- The loneliness of Solo Homesteading.

Hello everyone,
I’m newish to posting here, but I’ve been lurking for a while finally made up my mind to make an account and post something real, your stories keep me going on tough days. I’m 46, originally from Scotland (Glasgow area), and I moved to the States 13 years ago with big dreams of a simpler life. Husband at the time was American, so we packed up, landed in Missouri, and bought a small acreage to try proper homesteading. Thought it’d be all fresh air, growing our own veg, raising a few chickens, maybe even a wee goat someday. Sounded perfect, aye?
Fast forward Divorce hit 5 years in grown kids now scattered one in college, the other working far away, and here I am now in Ellisville, Mo. The homesteading part is coming along got my raised beds going strong with hugelkultur this year, composting like mad, and the solar setup finally paid off after a few expensive mistakes. But the reality? It’s harder than the books make out.
The biggest challenge isn’t the work though the heat here in summer is brutal compared to Scottish drizzle my tomatoes sulk like teenagers. It’s the quiet. Back home, even on a bad day, you’d have neighbors popping in for a cuppa, family a short drive away, or just folk chatting in the shops. Here? Everyone’s polite, waves from their trucks, but no one really stops. The isolation creeps in heavy nights especially, when the wind rattles the cabin and there’s no one to share a laugh or moan about the day with. Cultural bits still throw me I miss proper tea none of this iced nonsense, the banter, even the dreich (cold) weather sometimes. And starting over at my age? Feels like I’m always catching up finances tight after the split, doubts about whether I can keep this place going solo, wondering if I’m too set in my ways for new connections.
I’m not giving up the land’s bonnie in its own way, and growing my own food feels like a wee victory every time. But some days the loneliness hits like a ton of bricks, and I ken I’m not the only one feeling it. If you’re a homesteader who’s moved far from family, dealt with divorce or empty nest while trying to build self-sufficiency, or just feeling that empty-house ache how do you cope? Any tips for staying connected in rural USA, or beginner permie hacks for someone flying solo?
Thanks for listening. Grateful for this community it’s one of the few places that feels a bit like home.
Slàinte (cheers) from a Scottish lass still figuring it out.”

Welcome to the forum!

To me, since covid, folks are not as friendly as they used to be.

There are no friendly smiles when I shop as the folks just take my money ...

I am happy where I live. I live on top of a mountain 30 miles from the nearest gas station.

If you feel companionship is important why not join a church and then maybe there will at least friendly smiles on Sunday?

Where you live are there places to volunteer like Meals on Wheels, the local hospital or other organizations?

I hope you find what you are looking for.

Hi Evie,

Welcome to Permies. You have family here.  Homesteading can be isolating.  For me, that is a positive; but I can see where, for a more social person, it could be a profound negative.

If you enjoy drawing, take a sketch pad or maybe a book to read to the local dog park and sit on a bench, a dog will find you and brighten your day, as a bonus they usually drag along their owner for a brief chat. 4-H has a great volunteer program in your county. Helping kids learn life skills is very rewarding. When I get the winter blues, doing physical activities helps, splitting wood, moving heavy objects, hiking, building fences.  Hang in there you just need to mix up your routine a bit to find something better for your soul. john

I feel your pain, it is a sister to mine. The sort of community available to me in my own area feels similarly closed off, and I’m an odd duck who doesn’t swim so happily with the main flock, it seems. Isolation and loneliness is a real and devastating threat to health and wellbeing, for all of us.

For myself, once I realized that even the sorts of people I want to share a cuppa with aren’t a dime a dozen here, (as much a reflection of me as anything) it became more about really inhabiting and embracing who I am, what I want, what I like and what is truly important to me - what turns me on, what lights me up -  and looking around locally for activities where other odd ducks like me, might like to paddle.

For me it’s woodsy pursuits like hiking groups, plant or mushroom ID forays, gardening and weaving, maybe a yoga or a writing class, or a seed swap at the local library. It’s rare, but every now and again I find a gem whose sparkle reflects off of my own, and ever so slowly, I grow my group of people. Is there anyone in your community doing things that inspires you? Look for them, and don’t be silent when you find them. It’s a likely bet your people are as starved for connection as you are.

If you are like me and tend to isolate when you are unhappy, I’d urge you (and me, I’d urge us!) to think of one person you love or even like and reach out - a letter, a text, an email, a call. When I was feeling so alone in my own spot and no takers in the community at large, I started a correspondence with some long lost friends and family members, which brought back to life a mouldering thread of connection.

Even posting here is a great way to drop a stone into the void - I am feeling the ripples right here in my pond!  I recently read a book called “The Correspondent” by Virginia Evans - all about a woman who navigated the later chapters of her isolated-in-person life by corresponding, with everyone: authors who wrote books that moved her (or didn’t), companies that make products she took issue with (or loved), customer service reps, her family members, and on. Not everyone wrote back, and not all correspondence was lovely, but in the end you look out over a life rich with communication, connection and meaning - instead of its lack.

Define and ask for what you want most, (be specific) then sing it loud: birds of your feather will hear you only if you do. Reach out to me any time, if you’d like a pen pal. I’ll close with one of my favorite poems:

Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees 
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body
 love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain 
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
 are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting—
over and over announcing your place
 in the family of things.

Anne Miller wrote:Welcome to the forum!

To me, since covid, folks are not as friendly as they used to be.

There are no friendly smiles when I shop as the folks just take my money ...

I am happy where I live. I live on top of a mountain 30 miles from the nearest gas station.

If you feel companionship is important why not join a church and then maybe there will at least friendly smiles on Sunday?

Where you live are there places to volunteer like Meals on Wheels, the local hospital or other organizations?

I hope you find what you are looking for.

Hey there,
I hear you loud and clear I’ve felt the same shift since COVID hit. People just seem… distant now. I go to the grocery store or run errands in town, and it’s like everyone’s on autopilot: grab what they need, pay, and go. No chit-chat, no little smiles or “How’s your day?” like we used to have. It used to feel warmer out there, you know? Even the cashiers seem worn out or guarded. I think a lot of us are still carrying some of that isolation and caution from the pandemic years, and it’s hard to shake off completely. You’re definitely not alone in noticing it.
That said, your mountain life sounds peaceful and beautiful 30 miles from the nearest gas station? That’s real solitude! I can see why you’re content there overall. Sometimes that quiet is exactly what we need after everything we’ve been through.
On the companionship side, I agree finding a place where folks are intentionally kind and welcoming makes a huge difference. A local church could be a great spot to start, especially on Sundays when people are more relaxed and open. I’ve seen women my age (mid-40s) find real community there through coffee hours, Bible studies, or just chatting after service. It’s not always perfect, but those friendly smiles and “good to see you” moments can lift your spirits more than you’d expect.
Volunteering is another solid idea it’s low-pressure way to connect without forcing big social commitments right away. In rural-ish areas like yours (or even if you’re a bit removed), things like Meals on Wheels are perfect because they often need drivers or helpers for deliveries, and you get to meet folks one-on-one while doing something meaningful. Local hospitals, food pantries, animal shelters, or even community centers sometimes have volunteer spots too stuff like helping at events, sorting donations, or just being there to chat with people who might be feeling isolated themselves. It gives you purpose and naturally brings smiles and conversations.
Hang in there you’re already reflecting on what you need, and that’s a good step. Small connections can build up over time. What kinds of things do you enjoy doing? Maybe there’s a group or activity tied to that where you could meet some friendly faces.
Wishing you warmth

J. Syme wrote:If you enjoy drawing, take a sketch pad or maybe a book to read to the local dog park and sit on a bench, a dog will find you and brighten your day, as a bonus they usually drag along their owner for a brief chat. 4-H has a great volunteer program in your county. Helping kids learn life skills is very rewarding. When I get the winter blues, doing physical activities helps, splitting wood, moving heavy objects, hiking, building fences.  Hang in there you just need to mix up your routine a bit to find something better for your soul. john

Hey John,
Thanks for the reply it actually got me thinking and kinda perked me up a bit. 😊
That dog park suggestion is spot on, and honestly, I laughed picturing it. I’ve got an old sketchbook gathering dust somewhere, so maybe I’ll dig it out, throw it in the truck with a thermos of coffee, and head down to the one in town this weekend. Dogs don’t judge, right? And yeah, the owners usually end up chatting for a minute or two nothing forced, just “Hey, he likes you!” or whatever. It’s been ages since I’ve done something that simple and low-stakes. Might be exactly what I need to shake off the quiet.
On 4-H, I checked the county site after you mentioned it last time turns out they’ve got a decent program going, especially with the livestock and gardening stuff. I used to help out with the fair back when my niece was little, so it feels familiar. Helping the kids with their projects could be good for me too; there’s something satisfying about seeing them figure things out and get excited. I’ll probably email the extension office this week and see what they need.
And the winter thing… ugh, you nailed it. I’ve been splitting wood like crazy lately just to stay busy nothing beats that thwack and the way your shoulders burn after a good stack. Hiking’s tougher when the trails ice over, but even a short walk up the ridge clears my head a little. Fences need fixing too; I’ve got a couple leaning bad after the last storm. It’s all stuff that keeps me moving, and yeah, it helps more than sitting inside staring at the walls.
You sound like you’ve got this mountain life figured out in a real, no-BS way. It’s nice hearing from someone who actually lives it instead of just the usual “move to the city!” advice. If you don’t mind, I’d love to hear more about your setup up there what you do to beat the long dark evenings, or if you’ve got any favorite trails/chores that keep you sane. PMs would be easier for that kinda back-and-forth without clogging the thread. Up to you, no pressure.
Appreciate the nudge, seriously. Feels good to chat with someone who gets it.
Take care,

Another (out of the box) idea to give some variety to life and even some $ is to be a Boondockers Welcome host.

It's basically letting RVers park on your land/driveway for 1-2 nights for free while traveling, but they pay if they use electricity/water and most everyone is looking for healthy farm fresh food to purchase.

We've met some amazing hosts during our travels and people we've stayed in touch with for years.

We've found we vibed with the Boondockers Hosts (private) more than Harvest Hosts (more commercial).

Feel free to PM me if you have questions about it.

Hope this helps or spurs other ideas for connection

J.P. Waters wrote:Another (out of the box) idea to give some variety to life and even some $ is to be a Boondockers Welcome host.

It's basically letting RVers park on your land/driveway for 1-2 nights for free while traveling, but they pay if they use electricity/water and most everyone is looking for healthy farm fresh food to purchase.

We've met some amazing hosts during our travels and people we've stayed in touch with for years.

We've found we vibed with the Boondockers Hosts (private) more than Harvest Hosts (more commercial).

Feel free to PM me if you have questions about it.

Hope this helps or spurs other ideas for connection

Hey there,
That’s a really interesting idea thanks for throwing it out! I hadn’t thought about hosting with Boondockers Welcome before, but it actually sounds kinda perfect for where I am up on the mountain. Plenty of space in the driveway and around the property, and it’s quiet, scenic people traveling through might appreciate a peaceful spot away from the usual spots. The part about folks often wanting to buy fresh farm stuff is funny because I do have a little garden going (veggies, herbs, sometimes eggs from the chickens), so yeah, that could turn into a nice side thing without feeling too commercial.
I like that you mentioned vibing more with the Boondockers side than Harvest Hosts makes sense from what I’ve heard; the private property hosts feel more personal, like RVer-to-RVer, instead of stopping at a winery or something. And getting the membership free as a host? That’s a solid perk if you’re not traveling much yourself.
We’ve got a decent chunk of land here, no close neighbors really, so privacy wouldn’t be an issue, and I could set some ground rules like no hookups needed (or maybe just offer electric if someone’s desperate and pays a bit). The stories you shared about staying in touch with hosts for years… that’s the kind of connection I’m craving meeting real people who get the quiet life or the road life, swapping stories over coffee or whatever.
I’ll probably poke around the site (boondockerswelcome.com, right?) and see what the sign-up looks like for hosts. Any tips from your end on what makes a good listing or how picky guests are about the setup? Like, do most expect level ground, or is gravel/fairly flat okay? And how do you handle the “pay if they use utilities” part without it feeling awkward?
If it’s not too much trouble, feel free to PM me with more details maybe some of your favorite host experiences or what surprised you most when you started. I’d love to hear the real scoop before I jump in.
Thanks againthis one’s got me excited to mix things up a bit. Appreciate you sharing!
Take care,

Hi Evie,

I'm so glad this idea appeals to you! It's been really rewarding for a lot of hosts. Not 100% but like 90-95% super positive.

Level is always best, but not required. There's a lot to consider and probably easier to hop on a web call and I can screenshare the site and a few of the hosts' listings that we really enjoyed.

Just send me a PM with your contact info and we can schedule something mutually convenient.

Fàilte chridheil, Evie..

'May peace and plenty bide wi' ye... Lang may yer lum reek, yer table ne'er run bare'

Cya out there...
Fellow Scot / Italian-Blend

Hi Evie, MO is becoming a more and more popular state for people to move to.  Now that you're living alone have you considered renting out a room or two so you'd have fellow homesteading enthusiasts as housemates and y'all could work on projects together?  Its not a right solution for everyone but it can work great for some folks.

Hi Evie. I'm a man so probs not well postioned to comment, but i migrated as well, so there are some similarities.
I share a lot of seeds with people and plants, started to graft trees with my mate who taught me.And now we've been giving them away and that opens up talk. And they didn't pay so every time they see this tree in future a little thought goes out to this crazy foreigner they got it from.
I've been to my hometown and people are really suffering now. Many people are lonely and feel isolated, just like work, eat, sleep, do some other stuff, but connection seems missing. And everybody chasing dollars.
I think connection is important. Because we lack that. We're tribal animals and it can impact health.
I use permaculture as a means to connect people and get them interested in nature. Say i'm happy they have that late flowering apple tree, because i am , but stuff like even if it's old and dying maybe even, it gives them sense of having something, being important to someone. I'm not like faking that shit, well you Scottish, no bullshitters up there, tell it like it is. But as society is going down, people see prices going up, and worry, so interest in nature returns, they want those trees/shrubs/seeds.

Evie McDonald wrote:

J. Syme wrote:If you enjoy drawing, take a sketch pad or maybe a book to read to the local dog park and sit on a bench, a dog will find you and brighten your day, as a bonus they usually drag along their owner for a brief chat. 4-H has a great volunteer program in your county. Helping kids learn life skills is very rewarding. When I get the winter blues, doing physical activities helps, splitting wood, moving heavy objects, hiking, building fences.  Hang in there you just need to mix up your routine a bit to find something better for your soul. john

Hey John,
Thanks for the reply it actually got me thinking and kinda perked me up a bit. 😊
That dog park suggestion is spot on, and honestly, I laughed picturing it. I’ve got an old sketchbook gathering dust somewhere, so maybe I’ll dig it out, throw it in the truck with a thermos of coffee, and head down to the one in town this weekend. Dogs don’t judge, right? And yeah, the owners usually end up chatting for a minute or two nothing forced, just “Hey, he likes you!” or whatever. It’s been ages since I’ve done something that simple and low-stakes. Might be exactly what I need to shake off the quiet.
On 4-H, I checked the county site after you mentioned it last time turns out they’ve got a decent program going, especially with the livestock and gardening stuff. I used to help out with the fair back when my niece was little, so it feels familiar. Helping the kids with their projects could be good for me too; there’s something satisfying about seeing them figure things out and get excited. I’ll probably email the extension office this week and see what they need.
And the winter thing… ugh, you nailed it. I’ve been splitting wood like crazy lately just to stay busy nothing beats that thwack and the way your shoulders burn after a good stack. Hiking’s tougher when the trails ice over, but even a short walk up the ridge clears my head a little. Fences need fixing too; I’ve got a couple leaning bad after the last storm. It’s all stuff that keeps me moving, and yeah, it helps more than sitting inside staring at the walls.
You sound like you’ve got this mountain life figured out in a real, no-BS way. It’s nice hearing from someone who actually lives it instead of just the usual “move to the city!” advice. If you don’t mind, I’d love to hear more about your setup up there what you do to beat the long dark evenings, or if you’ve got any favorite trails/chores that keep you sane. PMs would be easier for that kinda back-and-forth without clogging the thread. Up to you, no pressure.
Appreciate the nudge, seriously. Feels good to chat with someone who gets it.
Take care,

In the early 1980's I went to Loch Lomond with my brother to drop off our Nana with her childhood friend. brother and I toured via Britt rail and bicycle Glasgow   Edinburgh, then up east coast and around to the Isle of Sky & beyond. I have many fond memories of camping thru Scotland. so yes i understand the pull to greener fields. yet as i sit My best view is where I'm at now. i look at each day as a rare blessing. we live in interesting times with wonderful opportunities for bettering ourselves thru taking advantage of easy access to historical wisdom of the ages. I struggle with balancing time reading, teaching, nurturing myself and those around me to become slightly beter that their yesterday.  It takes effort and discipline to stay on the path, luckily i have wife and kids to remind me when i stray too far off the path. i pray you find peace/purpose  in your path soon. keep looking for the signs and follow them to a new adventure hopefully with a life partner that shares your yearning for something better than the day before. as for my setup I'm a short bicycle ride to Amish country, were surrounded by useful folks, live on 25+ acres with daughters on 25 & 65+ acres near by.. day job is one traffic light away and doesn't wear me out. if i ever win the lotto i might take up farming full time until the money runs out but that's another story.

..and One for Ms Evie..



Disclaimer: Not a whit of 'Cultural Offense' meant ('specially from a Fellow Partial-Scot just a Friendly 'Wellness Check'.. Hope neither the 'Solo Homesteading' nor any Other class of MO-beastie has eaten ya up. Keen to hear of yer next chapters...
Cheers..

jd

Best of luck to you!
have you also considered making a part of your property open to Hipcampers,
(People who pay to camp on your land for a fee)?

https://www.hipcamp.com/en-US

Evie McDonald wrote:Slàinte (cheers) from a Scottish lass still figuring it out.

Hope yer doin OK, Evie. Rootin' for yeh.

Cheers..