What is forgiveness?

My first draft leaned too far into my faith, and was removed (fair), I will try to re-write with less-religious focus

The best discussion I know on this topic was given by Dick Keyes -- 30 years on, and it still shapes my thinking.  I remember it being in 4 parts, I only see 2 here:  https://www.labriideaslibrary.org/search-1?q=forgiveness+keyes

I agree with several writers above, I just organize it in my way.  

Forgiveness is NOT:
* Ignoring -- acting like something didn't happen
* Tolerating -- putting up with something that bothers you
* Downplaying -- pretending the injury is minor
* Forgetting -- losing the memory of what happened
* Excusing -- "That's just him" or "We all do it"
* Keeping silent -- not telling the person that you were hurt
* Stewing -- holding on to the hurt, fostering it, rolling it around in your mind, dwelling on it
* Lashing out -- over-reacting to everything that person does
* Gossiping -- talking to others about the person, telling people over and over what they did to you
* Wishing harm on the other person
* Retaliation -- seems obvious, but worth stating!

Some of those (tolerating, excusing) might be valid responses to some small things, but that is not 'forgiveness'

Forgiveness Might or might NOT be:
* Elimination of consequence.  You might forgive someone, yet testify against them in trial OR you might forgive them, and not bring charges (if it's that type of thing) -- lots of nuance there.
* Restoration of relationship.  If someone is abusive (verbally, physically, sexually), it may be appropriate to remove yourself from that relationship WHILE still doing the work to forgive.  In lesser cases, forgiveness does mean reconnecting and restoring relationship

To Forgive something, you first have to recognize that a serious hurt exists.  ('Serious' will be different for each of us -- you might do one thing to two of us, and I barely notice it, while another is deeply hurt, and vice-versa).  Something that must be forgiven can be compared to:
* A Debt -- something that must be repaid
* A Crime -- something that must be punished
* An Injury -- something that must be healed

Why should we forgive?
* Specific religious reasons
* Because we all hurt each other.  For small-to-medium things…we've all done it.  Hopefully, you & I haven't caused anyone serious trauma, but are we that much better than the person who hurt us?
* Because holding onto an unpaid  debt causes you pain every time you look at the ledger
* Because unpaid debts grow with interest, untreated injuries fester, and unforgiven hurts can come to dominate your life
* Because holding on to that hurt may cause you to hurt _them_  to the point where maybe YOU become the bully!  Wouldn't that stink, to realize that they had to forgive you?!

What *is* forgiveness?
* Stopping collection on the Debt.
* Stopping punishment for the Crime
* Healing the emotional hurt

Reminder -- this is *personal* forgiveness.  A Bank or Company might still recollect their stolen property, the State might still jail, etc....but if I forgive someone, I must stop trying to collect/punish them for this act.

So, what do you *do*?
* Religions would have specific responses, including prayer
* Usually, bit-by-bit, you work to let go of the resentment, of holding on to the hurt.  For some people, and some cases, this will be a one time choice.  For others, it may take years.  But it *is* _work_.  You need to, actively choose, when negative thoughts arise, to NOT dwell on them, to Replace those negative thoughts about the person with positive ones.  To strive to restore and rebuild relationship (if appropriate).  It is also costly -- for a bank to forgive a debt, they have to take on that loss in their own books
* Move towards wanting the good for the other person, instead of wanting harm to come to them in some way

Does Forgiveness require repentance?  There would be debate over this.  But I lean on the side that having the other person feel guilty and say they are sorry makes it much *easier* to forgive, in part because, well, we have collected on the debt, and, there isn't much to forgive, anymore!  So I think we are still called to forgive, even the unrepentant.

So, what happens in you?
* You stop/decrease the frequency, intensity, and intentionality of thinking negative, angry, resentful thoughts about the other person.
* You start/increase the frequency, intensity, and intentionality of thinking positive, maybe even loving thoughts about the other person
* You move towards noticing the event in your life without feeling the hurt (this may take ages, and may take counseling)
* You heal from the hurt!

Now, if only I could practice this in my own life, all might be well.  :-)

mlb

forgiveness.  i struggle.  i really really struggle.  If the thing done to me is a mistake that I have done or could do, then I can at least think about letting go of the hurt.  But something intentional??  I am overwhelmed with shock.  Especially if it was something I personally "would not do".  I am distressed with having to think about guarding against the next time.  I understand the concept of lightening the load on me, of not poisoning myself with my own anger, but I don't think I've ever really succeeded.  If the hurtful action repeats after setting a boundary then I remove myself from the situation/person/job/relationship.  Not saying that was the best way, I have done things like leave a job I loved.  

Leigh I leave a situation with a toxic person too. I never built skills to deal with conflict as a child due to toxic parenting, and even to this day, I just take the path of least resistance, and choose friends who do this too.

It took years of denial, and when I finally began to realize how bad it was, then I was angry with myself for my denial, not understanding the psychology behind denial, but now I've been through the journey of forgiveness, I am much more comfortable in my own skin. And comfortable in my decision to avoid contact no matter how much other family members are pestered into trying to reel me back in for yet another shot (because it never stopped, just changed in form of abuse.)
However the journey isn't complete because I don't think I've forgiven this person for the more extensive damage they continue to do to my sibling.

Steve Zoma wrote:But having aged, I have also learned that by not extending forgiveness, that action has toxic effects on me. It literally is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Exactly!

To me, forgiveness is about taking care of myself first, and not letting anger rot me from the inside while the guilty culprit goes on living their life.

Two key "mantras" that help me reach that point.

"They are the ones who have to live with that on their conscience"

(Replace that with any religious or spiritual equivalent, like karma or the scales of St-Peter on the gates of heaven) I believe that even corrupt people have a little voice inside of them that is able to tell right from wrong. They will outwardly justify themselves in myriad of ways, but generally a strong denial is a sign that this little voice is still inside them, and they will not obtain inner peace and true happiness until they listen to that voice.  've even been known to tell that to someone I felt had wronged me: "Here's what I think is fair, but I can't force you. Think about it, weight it in your conscience, and do what you feel is right. I leave it up to you and your conscience." Rarely have people done the "right thing", but I've given them a chance at redemption. My job is done, and from then on it's between them and their god/value system.

(And honestly, sometimes it takes decades before someone comes and acknowledges that they've been a jerk. Or they will make amends but you'll never know about it, but that event will somehow still change how they react in the future. )

"No one died/It's just stuff/It's just a job"

Getting some perspective and gratitude is always helpful. I sometimes do this weird spiritual exercice of imagining a loved one is on their deathbed, and how I'd be willing to sacrifice everything I own if I was told I could save them. I wouldn't even think a second about letting go of all my wordly goods to save my kids or my husband. I'd leave my job in a second. Heck, I wouldn't even think twice about giving them a part of my body. This reminds me that I am incredibly lucky of having this kind of love in my life, and that everything else is fairly irrelevant in the big scheme of things, and I shouldn't let it have power over me. I give my daughters a good hug and focus on being thankful for that.

Now I can't vouch that I could ever forgive someone for hurting my loved ones...

Ra Kenworth wrote:

George West wrote:

Forgiveness says "you no longer owe me".

Potential eye opener for me: raised with toxic parenting,
I know now why I always owe that person (in their mind)
Was I never forgiven for being born ?
as well as never being a perfect extension to a person's façade

I have struggled with this too. Not sure what your upbringing was but I had a mother that hated me. I heard all growing up, "I should have aborted you". "You were not worth going through childbirth for", and "I had a son and daughter and sure the heck did not need another son". I won't go into detail on other things I was subjected to, but to give you an idea, we were "corrected" quite regularly with a four foot length of garden hose, my father mostly choosing me to get his life frustrations out upon instead of my sister and brother for some reason.

But it has made me who I am today. You see it on here, I abide by the "Be Nice Rule", but also am not afraid to be different. Frankly, when your own mother hates you, why would I expect anyone online to like me, or that of co-workers? So from her lack of nurturing I have become a completely honest person because there is no expectation of being liked. She set the bar really low.

As for forgiveness? I am not sure. I have tried for 50 years and now, just gave up on my parents. If they call I am cordial and non-offense or aggressive, but I make no effort to stay in contact with them although they are only 18 miles away. And my sister and brother, they don't converse with my parents either.

In that forgiveness can come in two forms: Mercy and Grace. Knowing the difference can be life changing, especially if you really see the situation for what it is, and can be gracious.

Just to be clear, Mercy is when you don't give something that a person deserves, and Grace is giving them something more than what they should.

Last week I was told I was gracious. I had dedicated a novel I wrote to a person and six months later her told me he had not read it. Hey, I get it, and understand that it takes times to read a novel. In saying that, he thought I was being gracious. But to kind of show him what real grace is, I printed out novels to give to his 9 kids because I thought he might want to give them a novel as a Christmas present dedicated to their parents. The latter was far more of a show of grace.

But another example might be someone stealing your car. Mercy would be not pressing charges on them and forgiving them. Grace would be, realizing they stole it because they really needed to get to their job. You, in having several cars, thus give that car to the thief. That is being overly gracious.

With forgiveness, there is maturity and humility in extending mercy to someone. But nothing warms the heart like extending grace, and the older I get, the more I realize I need to be more gracious. And yes, I have a longgggggggg ways to go on that, but I am trying harder.

Forgiveness requires first that we assign blame.  I've never been very good at that.  If a person needs forgiving, they have been responsible for some unkind act.  

Life is messy, and even with free will, we exist in a world with so much else going on.  And so many opertunities for muddled communication.   I rarely have enough facts to know where the blame lies, and often would rather put my energy towards more productive things than finding blame.

Perhaps forgiveness is about understanding blame isn't so easily localized?  

But forgiveness seems to be entirely selfish.  It's about making our lives easier and not wasting energy stewing on past injustices.   Nothing really to do with the actions of others, only how we view them.

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With that said, there are some words that can never be forgiven.  These are usually said by those we love the most.