What is forgiveness?

I think this is going to sound a little weird, but I don't think I know how to forgive people. Or maybe I don't know what that word means.

Let's say Person A harms Person B.

What does it mean for Person B to forgive Person A? What changes inside Person B? Does Person B somehow forget what Person A did? Is a formal forgiveness when Person B agrees to pretend, maybe even to themself, that Person A didn't do that thing or isn't the kind of person who might do it again?

Do you forgive? How?

I gave a thumbs up for the question, but I can't answer it.

I think forgiveness is when you find peace with a situation/event/person to the point that it doesn't hold emotional weight within you. You don't forget what happened; but it doesn't hold weight on you anymore steering your decisions through fear/anger/resentment. I couldn't tell you HOW to allow yourself to forgive, but it is kind of like settling with what happened (It is what it is) and moving forward.

Someone may be forgiven, but I find it more personal than anything. Forgiveness might be a gift to someone who feels guilty but that is just one kind of situation involving forgiveness if that makes sense? If you pretend to forgive someone, you really haven't found forgiveness. Its a complex personal thing in my view.

I don't know if I'm right, but that's my interpretation off the top of my head. I'd love to hear other's take.

It's a complex thing, but I do know that sometimes you forgive for your own benefit, not for the other person's. Just to allow yourself to move on.

And in that case the other person may not even be aware of the forgiveness, let alone deserve it.

I tend to follow Timothy.   I start with the phrase “forgive & forget”.   In that context, forgetting is something different than forgiving.   So, I will add two additional comments to Timothy’s observations.   Forgiving means you are not seeking revenge if you are at peace.  But, it does not include forgetting; therefore, it does not mean you have to let your guard down entirely.

Too often I have heard, “ Well, I forgave them., so I have to trust them.”   I don’t see forgiveness and trust as rigidly connected. There are people I don’t trust even though they have done nothing for me to forgive.  I would not trust a total stranger to enter my house if I am not here … even though they have done nothing needing my forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a powerful word.  The act of forgiveness is a kind act.

"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness." - Robert Muller

A couple months ago, someone stole my prized 30 lb watermelon from my Back to Eden garden in my yard.  It was a rare variety that turns yellow when ripe -- a great variety for fall because it looks just like a pumpkin.

I was so eager to sink my teeth into that melon, to share it with my family and my neighbor, and especially to save the seeds for next year on my farm.  

Then one day -- *poof* -- it was gone.

I was so sad and angry.  I was even a little paranoid as I looked at strangers walking by, wondering "were you the one who stole *my* watermelon?"

Forgiveness was a decision point, a "seed" I formally planted in the garden of my mind, whereupon Person A - wherever and whoever they are - no longer owed me a watermelon.  Person A's debt to me is buried.

The seedling of forgiveness grows best with tending, and it eventually grows a little root down to the heart; and it produces fruit of peace and mercy, such that I no longer have to carry around a 30 lb watermelon.

I like this.

I think forgiveness is when you find peace with a situation/event/person to the point that it doesn't hold emotional weight within you. You don't forget what happened; but it doesn't hold weight on you anymore steering your decisions through fear/anger/resentment. I couldn't tell you HOW to allow yourself to forgive, but it is kind of like settling with what happened (It is what it is) and moving forward.

Imagine that I have forgiven someone who has stolen cash from me. Forgiveness is complete. I have peace with it. However, if this person is in my home, you can be sure my wallet is not left out in the open. Likewise, if someone has abused you, forgiveness is possible. But forgiveness does not require you to leave your child in that person's care. Or even allow them to be in the same place with close supervision.

All good answers! I feel forgiveness is the exact opposite of pretending it never happened or that the person wouldn't do it again! Forgiving doesn't mean we need to trust the person or open ourselves up to letting them do whatever they did to hurt us again. For me, it means we free ourselves from the burden of resentment and needing to punish them for what they did. It doesn't need to involve the other person at all, in fact, I've seen people use the act of telling the other person they forgave them as a means of punishment, incompatible with true forgiveness. I feel it's only appropriate to tell the other person we forgive them if a) they come to us and admit the did wrong and apologise, and b) we really mean it. Forgiveness can be something quiet and secret we do as a gift to ourselves.

The 'how' of forgiveness is trickier! For me, it takes a lot of prayer. A lot of work on my willingness to let go of anger, especially when it feels very justified, before it becomes embedded as resentment, a slow poison in my heart and mind. A lot of needing to accept that things happen that aren't fair or right and I can't always fix them. It might require understanding why the other person did wrong and feeling compassion for their woundedness.

We know we've forgiven when the emotional charge around what happened is gone. When we know it happened, know it was wrong that it happened, but there's no heaviness there, there's only the freedom and lightness of knowing we've left what happened in the past and can move forward.

I'm thinking about George's melon. A few years ago, someone broke in my car (which just consists of opening the doors since I don't normally lock them) and rooted through my junk and took some change from my change dish. It was startling and the world felt less safe. But ultimately, I decided that if someone needed my change more than I did, they could have it. I don't store anything of value in the car under normal circumstances, so whatever. That seems like a situation with a lot of parity to the melon. But I don't think I've forgiven anything -- I've just accommodated the reality that some people are willing to make the world a worse place for casual gratification...or maybe they were hungry and the $5 was meaningful to them and nothing to me. Both of those situations exist, so might as well expect to bump into them. And I didn't have anyone to blame anyway.

But if I had...I don't think I'd let it go. In that case, they woke me up by leaning on my horn...dumb ass. It took me a sec to realize I recognized the horn as mine and then I leapt out of bed, grabbed a baseball bat from the hall and ran outside. They'd taken off and there was no sign of them, but I would not have forgiven them had they stuck around. If I'd had one of those fancy cameras and caught them on it, I'd have pushed the police to avenge the injustice.

I think the anonymity of the harm obscures things, but it's a good thought experiment. Let's think about something less abstract.

People say hurtful things. If you don't care about them, you can ignore them or erect strong psychic defenses or harm them back or whatever. But sometimes people you love say hurtful things. When that happens, I don't have to get even or anything (and doing so is a terrible course), but it's there, the thing was said and can't be unsaid. For the rest of forever, you know that person is the kind of person who might, under the wrong circumstances, say something like that to hurt you. I guess there are a lot of ways to react to that and I'm not sure what forgiveness looks like. What is it to free yourself of resentment or find peace with it?

Those incidents don't gnaw at me every day, but I do remember them from time to time and relive the hurt. And I do close down the emotional openness to that person some where I'd previously exposed all my vulnerability, there's now a sort of filter between us. And as those events occur, that filter grows thicker, like a callous that keeps your tissue safe from abrasion. And now that I'm really thinking about that, I think it grows thinner over time as a natural process. That might be the closest thing I feel to forgiveness -- just the softening with time of the sharp corners on my memories of hurt. But I'm pretty sure...I think(?)...that's not what most people mean when discussing forgiveness.

Or maybe -- this has been occurring to me as I read and think about what y'all have written -- I'm so naturally forgiving that I don't even perceive it and it's the opposite situation almost of what I've been thinking it is. I don't know.

Christopher Weeks wrote: ... I'm so naturally forgiving that I don't even perceive it ...

I'm like that to a degree at least, in the case of the melon I doubt it would have even registered with me, other than ah shucks I was looking forward to that.

There are things however that might breech that boundary of perception but that's getting into the philosophical or even spiritual, not to mention a bit personal. Topics more suited to sharing a bottle of wine at the kitchen table than they are to the open internet.

If you're in a situation where someone you love is repeatedly saying hurtful things, closing down a little toward that person is a natural self-protective response. There's a big difference between getting even, which just escalates things; and setting boundaries with that person to stop them from hurting you. I feel it's important to tell them in a calmer moment that you feel their words or behaviour was hurtful and inappropriate and you'd prefer it didn't happen again. But if it keeps happening despite that, then you need those boundaries and protective barriers. Protecting yourself is not a failure on your part to be loving, because love doesn't have to mean laying yourself completely open to the other person. We can love and even forgive, and still recognise where the limits in that relationship need to be set. Forgiveness does not mean giving the person permission to hurt you again!

I think forgiveness, and the level of it thereof, is directly related to a person’s maturity.

When I was younger, someone might do something and I would get upset and hold that animosity for quite some time. I mean they said or did something that hurt me. Grrrrrrrrrr.

But as I grew older I realized there are a lot of reasons for that. Maybe they were tired, had an unstated stressor at work, home, or in their marriage. There are lots of reasons I have had said the wrong thing in life, or mean thing, and from that experience I can therefore apply forgiveness to others because I realize I am not always as kind as I should be. Because others have forgiven me, therefore I should forgive others.

That is maturity.

But having aged, I have also learned that by not extending forgiveness, that action has toxic effects on me. It literally is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

For me anyway, a highly reflective person, I tend to have this internal dialog with myself that is so stupid because it honestly never materializes in real life, yet it often makes me angry, or I envision doing things I would never do, etc. In short, it wastes my time and does nothing good for me. In fact I have learned two things about that inner voice now that I have matured:

1. It’s entirely ego. Yep, that voice I often hear, I now shut it down as soon as it crops up because it is not even me, it is my arrogant ego trying to burst free.

2. It is my arrogant self trying to be something, or a type of person I’m not.

Because I value my time, self-improvement and prefer happiness to be constantly mad and jealous; I have learned as I matured, that it is just better to forgive someone and move on.

Try me on this; the next time you hear that inner voice ask yourself... is this really me, or truly my ego at play? 99% of the time, it is your ego, and once you recognize it, it just stops. That awareness has allowed me to forgive a lot of people, and has made me far happier and contented in life.

But forgiveness does not mean there are not consequences. If my next-door neighbor breaks into my house and steals some guns to sell to help pay for diapers for his new infant, I might forgive him, but that does not mean I will not start locking my door and put up some security cameras. And it does not mean because of forgiveness I will not call the police. In that, yes there is forgiveness, but there are consequences… often lasting consequences… to a person’s actions.

Now, a master manipulator will try and cloud that generosity though, and say something like, “but you said you forgave me”. No… there can be forgiveness, but there is no getting out of consequences for those prior actions.

Interestingly enough, and sadly… the consequences of our mistakes results in hurting the people we most love, the most. An example might be a spouse that cheats that ends in divorce: it is the KIDS who endure the result of that far more than the parents. So a mature person considers the consequences of their actions BEFORE they are lured by that instant gratification they may get.

But in the examples I posted in my last replies (broken up for easier reading), I never said anything about  physical abuse.

There is no excuse for abuse.

I am not saying that an abuser cannot be forgiven, however they tend to be mast manipulators and it behooves a person to get out and stay out when physical abuse crops up.

NO ONE should be physically harmed by another person ever.

There are consequences to people's actions, and if they are abusive, the consequence should be to have as limited contact with that person as possible.

Steve, you said a lot of stuff but none of it explains what forgiveness is. When you do all this forgiving, what happens inside you?

Christopher Weeks wrote:When you do all this forgiving, what happens inside you?

I think it's a letting go. Instead of allowing all those memories to keep coming back up and taking over your mind, you make a conscious decision to sort of tell them 'that's enough, you can stop now, it's over'

I've heard of people performing little rituals to help them let go. Sometimes something like writing it all down on a piece of paper and then sitting down in front of the fire and feeding the paper to the fire, watching the words and the pain go up in flames and allowing the memories to be put into deep storage somewhere instead of being kept constantly in mind.

I always appreciate the variety of viewpoints on things like this. My concepts of forgiveness are rooted in my beliefs, but I will attempt to share generically.

Forgiveness is a single word in the English language, but has so much meaning underneath. I believe forgiveness has two parts.

The first part is up to the person who has been wronged. To give up your right to anger/revenge. This part is not easy. This part does not mean forgetting. It is the process of letting someone bigger than ourselves take care of it. This part can and should be done, regardless of the other person.

The second part is up to the person who did the wrong. To reconcile. This is the part that often does not happen. The person who has done the wrong, needs to admit that they did wrong, and do something to reconcile with the person who was wronged. It might be money, it might be an apology, it might be overcompensating going forward. This does not instantly rebuilt trust. But by both people agreeing this thing was wrong... you take a huge step towards making it right. The wronged person has words acknowledging the wrong, and then actions to back up the desire for making it right.

I use the Bible as a reference for things like this. And I do not remember any time that forgiveness was given without it being asked for. I also do not remember any time forgiveness was given without an atonement... without something given or done to make it right.

If you don't do the first part... you end up bitter, like people have said. But I believe it is not complete forgiveness without part 2... and many people will never get part 2, because that part is not up to the person who was wronged.

Christopher Weeks wrote:Steve, you said a lot of stuff but none of it explains what forgiveness is. When you do all this forgiving, what happens inside you?

Yes I did, it was in my very first sentence.

Forgiveness is maturity.

In that your question is backwards. By maturing you learn to forgive.

You can never change the wrong someone did to you, but you can change YOUR reaction to it. That is maturity at play.

Jane Mulberry, I agree with your assessment that you know forgiveness has happened when the emotional weight has gone.  It's a letting go, or even better:  a falling away of the emotional weight such that it's just not an issue anymore.  Truly it doesn't change historical facts and their consequences, but it allows all parties to be in a place where they can heal the trauma, rather than steep in it.  I don't have details for the term beyond that, but here's a few perspectives:

I find that when considering all the problems this world has, realizing that one way or another:  every person contributing to any or all of them came to do so by some course that made sense to them at the time... all there really is to do then is recognize that we all are children teaching children.  We're all trying to learn, trying to figure out how to be who we really are, very highly influenced by our conditions and what beliefs we've inherited, struggling to get through our personal learning curve, and deserving of grace in the effort to do it.  By recognizing this applies to EVERYONE, I find it easier to give anyone that grace.  Because I know I appreciate it, too.

What about when the focus that needs to be forgiven is inside yourself?  Something you've been part of is not who you want to be, but you can't take it back.  How does one get past this?  In this case, putting everything into perspective I think is very helpful; stepping back from the trees in order to see the forest.  If you can see for yourself why it happened, and what you can do to improve the world so it doesn't have to happen again, perhaps it will be easier to allow yourself permission to have had a learning curve.  We all need the grace to heal.  Maybe there's even a deeper reason you didn't see before, which only a change of perspective would allow you to see.  Allowing yourself to realize that inner peace means you have it to share with others as well.  There is value in learning from it.

Forgiving can be for you,
                For giving yourself care.....
                For giving yourself space and time to heal....
                For giving compassion to how you are feeling.....
                For giving yourself deep listening.....
                Forgiving yourself the power to explore your emotions....
                And forgiving yourself worth by understanding boundaries and opportunities that have been created from your                                     beautiful amazing evolutionary growth.....
                Smile.. because you are special, unique ...always learning ....always expanding.

Christopher Weeks wrote:I think this is going to sound a little weird, but I don't think I know how to forgive people. Or maybe I don't know what that word means.

Let's say Person A harms Person B.

What does it mean for Person B to forgive Person A? What changes inside Person B? Does Person B somehow forget what Person A did? Is a formal forgiveness when Person B agrees to pretend, maybe even to themself, that Person A didn't do that thing or isn't the kind of person who might do it again?

Do you forgive? How?

I.m.o. 'forgiving' does NOT mean you forget (or pretend to forget) what Person A did to you. For me it means that Person A is still my friend, even though he/she did that thing I feel sad/mad about. I will not talk about that thing anymore. I will do my very best to not even think about it anymore. And I hope Person A will never do that again.

For me 'forgiveness' means too I will do some thinking on my own behaviour. That thing Person A did to me ... is it something I did myself to anyone maybe??? Or is it something I could do myself??? Why do I feel so sad/mad about what Person A did? Might it be it wasn't about this thing he/she did, but more about the way I feel about Person A in general??? Why do I have such feelings? etc.
By having such questions in myself I can get better understanding. Maybe I can start understanding why Person A did this and why I felt hurt by it. And because I understand now, I can forgive. Person A can still be my friend.

When one is ready to forgive:
Forgiveness is important for personal growth and especially serenity, it does not imply trust.
Forgiveness does not mean you are OK with what was done to you, just that you are no longer allowing it to occupy your mind or emotional stability.
Forgiveness can be given in absence of the person you forgive, they need not even be aware or alive to receive it.

Now I'm reading through the answers others gave here (I first wrote my answer and only after it started reading the others). I see some people here talk about forgiving someone you don't know. In my answer I did not think about that.
If you don't know who was the one who stole your melon, you can ask yourself those questions I wrote about. But you can not feel a personal feeling about that person, you don't know who it was/is. I don't know if in such a case you can use the word 'forgiveness' ... Possibly you can

Inge Leonora-den Ouden wrote:But you can not feel a personal feeling about that person, you don't know who it was/is. I don't know if in such a case you can use the word 'forgiveness' ... Possibly you can

Certainly you can! You can feel rage, anger or frustration at whoever took it, why not forgiveness. One need not know the person intimately or even personally to forgive, it's about how we feel about a person, not who they are.

Christopher Weeks wrote:I think this is going to sound a little weird, but I don't think I know how to forgive people. Or maybe I don't know what that word means.

Let's say Person A harms Person B.

What does it mean for Person B to forgive Person A? What changes inside Person B? Does Person B somehow forget what Person A did? Is a formal forgiveness when Person B agrees to pretend, maybe even to themself, that Person A didn't do that thing or isn't the kind of person who might do it again?

Do you forgive? How?

Yes I forgive, Forgiveness is hard, but necessary. When person B forgives person A, it moves the responsibility/burden of being judge, jury and punisher from person B . This does not mean reconciliation has occurred, it just opens the door for reconciliation. When you have been harmed you have to acknowledge the hurt, then think, maybe it's time to forgive the person who hurt you. say something to yourself like  "person A did an awful thing to me but I'm past that now." It gets you ready to move on with the knowledge that you can get thru it in the future. This does not mean you trust blindly that person until they make steps to reconcile the pain they caused, perhaps never, but it does leave you open to them acknowledging the pain they caused you and the clear actions they will take to avoid future harm, and rebuilding trust. I pray this helps you find peace.

This is a simple question that provokes complex responses.  I will try to give my simplified response.

I think that forgiveness is a conscious and ongoing act.  Too easily we say “forgive and forget.”  I think maybe a better response is “forgive, set aside and move beyond.”  There really is no forgiveness if one doesn’t remember.  And forgiveness is constant.  It is not a one-time act.  This is a decision that we make and stick to, even (especially) when it is tough.

And much like Steve said, I think that true forgiveness isn’t really possible without maturity.

And these are just my thoughts.

Eric

I am glad we are wrestling with this together on Permies.
I understand why it's in the MD forum, but I want to openly acknowledge that we are discussing some of the most meaningful UNdrivel ever.

I came out of a culture which (mis)placed high value on forgiveness but low value on personal accountability. I have had to reexamine my beliefs and practices.
I think of forgiveness in two contexts to help me understand it.
1. Debts and owing
2. Trespass and consequence/punishment

Sometimes I have asked myself the question, "Does anybody owe me anything?" to help me know if I'm holding something against someone.

The second sense seems more complicated, but the answer for me lies in my belief. I will also be vague, but the concept that no injustice goes unnoticed or unavenged takes the question of ultimate punishment out of my hands. That honestly feels like a burden lifted.

I think it is possible to forgive and press charges, if the trespass warrants it. (consequences; allows for personal accountability)
I think it is possible for me to forgive without the offender asking for it or ever being aware they have been forgiven.
I think in the case of an interpersonal relationship, when words hurt so deeply, it is my responsibility to speak up. The highest, purest form of this I can imagine is:
1. I am hurt by someone's words.
2. I alert them to the effect of their words, BUT
- I do so without expectation of anything (apology, change of behavior) in return. Whether they never do it again is out of my control and I know that.
- I release the need to "punish" them (treating them the same way, getting back at them*, withholding affection/interaction from them).
- I am honest with myself that it may happen again, and take measures to prepare for that if needed (setting boundaries, evaluating the relationship, etc).
3. When the memory comes up, I re-acknowledge the pain if need be. I remind myself I have forgiven them and done what was my responsibility to do. All of this is done in private.
4. I allow for time to heal, and space if needed.

Perhaps that's not the highest possible way of forgiving. But it feels like the next highest thing within my reach for where I currently am on the forgiveness/maturity scale.
The most challenging part for me is speaking up.
I think between 1 and 2 a lot of introspection happens, along the lines of what Inge wrote:

For me 'forgiveness' means too I will do some thinking on my own behaviour.

I also think attempting to understand why the other person might have said/done the thing that hurt us shortens the distance to forgiveness.
I imagine it feels like peace, and calm, inside.

Some words hurt worse than others. Sometimes it depends on me (how tired I am, my mood) whether it bothers me or not. I deeply respond to tone of voice and volume, and often I have to remind myself the intent behind the delivery is far different (towards benevolence) than my perception of it is (towards harshness).

*Perhaps this is what "forget" originally meant in the admonition to "forgive and forget". Perhaps the opposite of forgetting is, "I remember what you did to me. When I get the chance, I'm going to do the same to you so you know how it feels."

It has been approached here, but I will jump in further. My observations have been that habitually not forgiving results in having a toxic personality. This may be a chicken or egg sort of thing, but there is no doubt , in my mind, the two are closely related.

I witnessed one person hate and fear almost everyone and everything around her.  She eventually died in her mid 40s.  The real irony is that she lived an otherwise charmed life. She was a high school cheerleader, married her high school boyfriend, they were multi millionaires, etc.   But in every conversation she inserted how many times she had been cheated.  And, she actively sought revenge for any and all perceived slights.

Christopher,
Forgiveness means eating the cost.
Someone legitimately wronged you. It hurts. They did wrong; they should be punished. Justice means they should pay. They should make it right, at cost to themselves.
Forgiveness says "you no longer owe me". I let it go. I know you legitimately owe me, but I'm choosing to let it go, to not hold it against you. I see that debt you owe, and I write if off. I'm done with it. I eat the cost. And now I'm free of exacting it from you. It is a wonderful place to be, not holding things against people, but instead, blessing them, and wishing them good.
It's a choice you make once, and then have to go on making when you remember it again.

Forgiveness is a stew

It's like a journey, a meal remade, not a switch, and so ever person has their own version of what forgiveness looks like and it varies according to the situation, each involving unique individuals, and may caramelize, get remade, and watered down, and may take years to truly digest -- and Christopher you are examining your approach and that's cool!

Our unique relationships and experiences provide an opportunity to get to know ourselves and our significant others. (If they aren't significant we might even forget.)
But the stew pot of mixing souls and the illusion that predicting future/ trust in the pardoned person is thrown in for spice.

That person doesn't need to know they are forgiven, or they may already be dead.

But if they are pestering you for forgiveness that they don't know you have already freely given in their absence -- and you have moved on (don't wish them ill will) :

What I think in this case what they are asking for forgiveness because they are really after
assurance that they are now going to be trusted again.
So what to do if they can't be reasoned with, so you can't explain to them that they were forgiven in your way, but not necessarily in their way? (and your way doesn't come served with blind trust, but their ego is too fragile to hear this without being offended)

At times, with unreasonable/ insane people, you still have to avoid them. (Narcissists will pester for forgiveness as well, but they play such a game but don't know how to be sincere. It's a hoover tactical covert attack. 😂 ) I have a lifetime of experience with this type of relationship...

Well in the case of a child, or someone behaving like a child, with honest repentance and a permanent change in something they do or don't do, you see they have made a commitment to themselves to change their ways because they see the benefit in doing so
Then, yes, at times it is kind to inform them of your sincere forgiveness

but you have not forgotten what they did / what they really are / what part of them thinks of you
There is a sore spot, meant to remind you they might repeat
But it may eventually heal over time.. if their ways have changed

But don't expect people to change
There are some so predictably psychopathic and destructive that like a rabid dog, you feel compassion and you truly don't blame the dog, but you know it bites hard and frequently -- and perhaps that dog  even has a taste for your blood (as "family" and coworkers can do)

That's when going no contact / limited contact is an option to think about

So speaking from experience, and in the true spirit of a Charlie Brown who has learned he may forgive without forgetting, and he doesn't carry the responsibility for the personal injury Lucy feels at not being trusted to hold the football in place, Charlie is all grown up now, and doesn't play games with people who refuse to grow up 🤣
His conscience is clear and his head doesn't hurt !!!

George West wrote:

Forgiveness says "you no longer owe me".

Potential eye opener for me: raised with toxic parenting,
I know now why I always owe that person (in their mind)
Was I never forgiven for being born ?
as well as never being a perfect extension to a person's façade

Forgiveness is challenging, that's what it is.  But its necessary in order to feel okay in yourself and your feelings about other humans.  That way you don't have hatred and anger burning a whole in your tummy..

I'm a Christian so for me forgiving others is a requirement, not just a nice suggestion.  And I can say that as a woman I think we have a harder time statistically forgiving, because our memories often aren't just memories, but the feelings remain attached no matter how much time passes.  So sometimes I really need to pray about it and get help from God to forgive.

In the less difficult cases though I process and forgive by:  recognizing the other person's humanity, they make mistakes and do stupid shit just like I do, their shit is just different than mine and we're all learning.  I ask myself what  the point of hanging onto resentment would be.  I ask myself is that person in a situation where they never learnt how to be kind/behave so they don't know how.  And those things usually get me there.

I think that forgiveness for me means that, even if I don't feel safe spending time with someone here on earth, I would be happy to sit next to them and be their friend in Heaven together forever.

There are people I've forgiven from afar who I don't feel safe to reconnect with here on earth in our lifetime, and that is okay, but I wish good things for them in their corner of the world.  And maybe someday it could be safe if we got thrown together to see each other and maybe even try to be close again.  But not everyone can do that, or should do that, sometimes distance can enhance one's ability to forgive.  And in some cases it would never be safe to try and be close with someone again on earth if they hurt you cruelly enough.  And that is okay.

The forgiveness is for you, to be able to move on, you don't forget and don't say what happened is OK, you just heal yourself,  you don't even need to tell the person you are forgiving