Should I try?

   I'll be 50 in May, and have had a full life. My children are grown with 2 grandchildren so I live alone in the southern rockies of N.M. I love being out in the mountains hiking cross country, riding motercycles, or taking the jeep out with my dogs. I'm building a 1400 sqft cabin right now with good solar and rain water collection.
 I love the life I live and wish I could share it, but it would take a special understanding person. In August of 2018 I stopped chemo and refused a bone marrow transplant with more chemo and radiation just to buy me 10 to 15 months with stage 4 mantle cell lymphoma and chronic lymphocytic leukemia. I went home and sold the land I raised my kids on and started over in a little more remote location. Yes, I hurt and feel bad, but I also overcome it and build on my house, jeeps, and motercycles. I don't hike every day, but don't get out a lot. I live in a small remote community with 9000 acres and maybe 200 people. It's not like being in town though. I see more deer and elk than people.  
   Being that I was given less than six months to live, I didn't think I should start another relationship, but its been over 6 years. I eat apricot seeds and believe it keeps my bad cell counts down.  I still get my blood checked every 3 months and can keep my bad counts down by adjusting how many seeds I eat, but I don't want to give false hope that I'll be around another 10 to 20 years.
  I guess I'm not so much seeking the true love I always thought was out there as much as asking if I should even try. I feel like I missed my chance. I married what I thought was a Christian woman but was taken advantage of and cheated on. She did give me 2 girls and a boy I'm very proud of, but I devoted all my efforts to somthing that was not what I believed it was and lost over 20 years of the chance of growing a life with a soul mate. I am content on my own, but wish I had met that one person I always felt in my heart was out there. Now I feel like it would be wrong of me to seek her, but maybe that is why my Lord has kept me here so long.
 

Hey man, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but thank you for posting this. You're right. It would take a special lady, but anyone who reads this is going to be touched, man or woman. I was and I'm a dumb guy who works in the trades. The people who use this forum are spread out all over the U.S., Europe and beyond. Even if you don't find a special lady (which I hope you do), I hope this community and the responses you get provide you with a little positive encouragement. It's been 6 years. Way to go, bro. I'm pullin for ya and prayin for ya.

 Thank you John, it means a lot. I want to warn anyone up front,  this might be long so I'm not going to proof read this much. That's not like me, but I'm becoming rapidly addicted to wearing these 1.5 magnifying glasses when I try to type with 1 big finger on these little digital phone keys.
  I wanted to say I do get out every few days in the mountains. I previously wrote that I don't get out. I'm not that boring.
  I don't know exactly why I'm on here, but I feel like I should be. I'm not bragging or looking for attention or sympathy. But I don't know exactly why I'm still here. So I've decided to just be an open book. Maybe it will give someone hope,  or change their outlook on life.
     At a little over 6'2, and an average of 280 most of my life, I always felt a little inferior to most. Most people are shorter than me, but it just made me not notice height. My kids didn't even break 5'5, even my brother's, so I actually felt like a clumsy freak. I was always quite and felt dumb In school, but I've always known how things worked. I felt behind in math because I would think and know the answer but never understood how to do the work until I was in my 30s. I realized it came from knowing how to read a tape measure of all things. I would picture it in my head and could see how fractions work out. I home schooled my kids their first few years and made sure they knew how to read a tape measure. I think people working in the trades are smarter the average when it comes to solving and fixing problems.  
     I never could work behind a desk though. I had one once in a propane company I put together.  When I sat behind it I couldn't figure out how to make money. It's almost like a mental block. That desk was for hiring and firing. Instead I would go out on by street legal dirtbike or offroad work truck I built and find people building cabins in remote places that need propane service.  It brought in so much work I had to hire and train more people to keep up.
     I was plumbing a strangers cabin one night until around 2 in deep blowing snow so his daughter who suddenly showed up would have heat. I realized my buisnesses partners would never work this hard and I could sell and do something without partners. I did  and started a trucking company hauling propane with 2 trucks through Texas,  co, Utah, and nm. I worked to hard, and all I have to show for it is a couple acres in the mountains. Every thing I have is paid for.
     After the trucking co.i could barely walk.
I lived on 4 acres in a 5 bedroom house I built with 2 springs. I got to spend most of my kids childhood there. I was 6'4 but had torn my disk and over 16 years my vertebrae had ground them down. I couldn't walk and built a good part of that house laying down or on crutches. I got my back fused and it stretched me back out from 6ft1 to 6'3 and that home was my therapy and recovery. Providing my own utilities and nice home was my therapy. I believe it is what keeps me going now. I built the chainsaws i used to mill the lumber from my land to go into my house.  I also bought half the lumber,  but it cut cost a lot. Ine used a lot of logs too. I spray foam insulated everything and put 4 inch batting over that. I'm still running power and putting up sheetrock, but just do a little everyday. I feel like I'm lazy, but the now have a decent and warm full powered home to live in. It's 32x40 with a loft and 2 feet underground with 10 ft walls and 9 ft on the inside. It wasn't here a year and a half ago. I have all the sheetrock and insulation to finish it now. Then I'll have to make log cabinets, counters, and furniture.   Oh ya, and mill and plane a pine and juniper floors. So i still have a lot to do. I have not had time to have a garden, although I do have some potatoes in the ground and like to collect the wild leaks around me, or are they seeps. I don't know,  I didn't know their name for years, lol. I found the. When I'd take a break riding, or hiking in the mountains and chew on them. They taste like a garlicky onion. Goes good with  the steak and sausage i would have in my backpack to cook over a quick fire.
    I've lived so far past my time that I realized recently I must be here for some reason. I am starting to think it is just to share love of everything. I've suffered a lot of pain.  More than I could imagine, but the lord has helped me overcome it.I still have it, but the other day I hiked 5 miles through icy mud and snow at 9500 ft with my husky. So im still going strong enough. I'm building a nice place, but often wonder why. I could have traveled instead, but i need a place to tinker. All my vehicles are homemade, but they get me everywhere. They can winch logs out of the forest or go across the us. I would  have nothing if I listened to everyone that told me you can't do that.but I  can't take it with me wher I'm going. The only thing we can take and truly leave behind is the love and joy we have in this world. I have my grown children and parent,brothers ans sisters,  but I wonder if there is supposed to be more to share with.    
 

I think there's a reason you're still alive.

It's wonderful you have children!

Watercress has that same nutrient apricots do,  by the way.

One thing I have learned about life is that it is what it is 😂

Every little step of success -- yours, your children's, a rooted plant,
and every beautiful perfection of nature

For me those things
bring joy to my life.

People disappoint us, especially when we realize they are not what we wanted to believe they were, but can it be enough that you are who you want to believe you are?

Einstein says that time is an illusion
There's a mind blower for the whole mortality thing!

I do wish you success in finding fulfillment for your heart, but may I recommend you consider it may not arrive in the way you've been imagining

Hugs!

Scott one of my great uncles used to say that a man should strive to own his own home and to raise his children to be good and decent adults. Anything else he achieves is a bonus. So by his reckoning your life has already been a success and your legacy will live on. May you continue to fog up the windows for another twenty years but even if it doesn't work out that way, yours has not been a life wasted. I admire your strength and wish you well.   Jay.

You already know it: honesty is the best policy. That said, we each seek for our own needs. I can pretty well understand my own needs, but those of others are always confined to their own minds and in some real sense unknowable.

My dear mother, for example, would certainly have said she wanted a man who would love and support her - be a partner and share in adventures, etc. But a review of the facts afterward suggests that more important than these desires was a need on her part to care for someone who was in great need of care - which she acted out by being a registered nurse, and also by partnering with a succession of men who were either well-adjusted and thus ultimately uninteresting - or acutely debilitated by chemical dependencies and thus worthy of her full effort (while they unsuccessfully struggled with addictions). So all I'm saying is that there are people out there with all sorts of motivations - good and bad. Every single one of them is a pig-in-a-poke at the end of the day, as we used to say down home. You can take care of your own honesty and profess your own wishes, and it is on the other person to take care of theirs. Go for it.

I just want to say that your story is truly inspirational.  Just take it one day at a time. I believe that we can manifest our reality, and you are just more proof that I am correct.
You have envisioned many things in your life and made them reality through the force of your will and your faith. Keep doing that.
I recently relocated to NM as well. We are living fairly remotely at 7000 ft in the woods. Beautiful country out here.

My old boss always said; if you have to ask you already know the answer.

Your life sounds like mine, lived at 500 mph and accomplished a lot, and had 3 bouts of cancer. It still affects me and yet I got married a year ago.

Love is the one common bond all humans desire anywhere in the world on any culture and era.

If you want something: never give up.

   Thank you all for your words and wishes.  
Honestly,  I've been embarrassed to look at any responses I wrote so much,  and feel like I can put down so much more. I did try to remarry twice,  I hate to say. Both times I built and left them a house, and I'm to tired to keep doing so much, but not being finished yet. It amazes me how some people can lie directly to your face rye to eye, if they can get what you have. I'm not bitter in the least though,  I helped someone have something they wouldn't have. Got th give and show their children things also. I'm grateful for every experience I've had, good and bad.  
  Every failure,  be it buisness, health, or relationships, has led to new life experiences. I know to approach the next adventure or day with excitement, not resentment for the previous. When I look back, I feel like I've led several different lives, and made the best of each.
    Now, even though I'm still building my hopefully last home, I can sit still and relax a little.  Take a quick journey through the mountains to places i used to have to work months to get a few days off and enjoy. I get by fine on my own but do not have lots of money anymore,  even though I want for nothing. Sometimes it is hard to imagine meeting anyone who leads a similar life and truly enjoys it. I'm at peace in the forest. I can walk hours through the forest with only the moon for light more comfortably than a city street. Looking across a valley listening to the wind in the trees feels so much better than going to a movie. When my kids were little, I would make a quick fire and cook them steak and sausage when we stopped hiking for a break. I loved the excitement they experienced.
  I raised my middle and oldest daughters with full custody,  but my 17 year old son lives in Texas with his mom. My oldest is in Florida with 2 of her own. My middle daughter took classes with the vfd through high-school and was hires as a wildland fire fighter as soon as she graduated. Spent last summer and fall fighting fires in ca, organ, Nevada, Idaho, and Montana.. it would be a dream fulfilled to spendnd a summer traveling the backrooms of the Rockies camping, taking out the jeep and bikes, but I'm a year or two at least from being ready for that. Having big goals though keeps me going, and I can only imagine how much more motivating life is when your sharing it with the right people in your life.

Thanks Scott for your posts, they are inspiring.

I myself have been divorced twice and am looking forward to better days. Having peace in the house with out addictions is something to be thankful for. God is good and I am grateful that His mercies are new every morning.

Prayers for you and your healing. May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you and give you peace.

You sound like an amazing person who has had quite the life and still so full of life. The type of man anyone would be greatful to call, friend.

Thank you. Even makes me feel physically better,  a boost of energy, to hear from yall!