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Being nice all over the net

posted 5 years ago

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I think Permies might unwittingly be making me a better person. The Permies forums gave me the opportunity and safe space to be polite to people without fear of being attacked for showing "weakness", and I've found myself carrying that approach into other online venues. Results so far have been stunning. It seems like most people in other forums are actually yearning for decency but afraid to make the first move. When I resist the urge to respond to an attack with equal or greater rudeness, I find myself perfectly capable of finding some common ground wherein my attacker and I can lower our weapons and, at the very least, mutter something apologetic and/or supportive. More often than not, the response is startlingly friendly, and a 180 degree turn from the initial aggression. This is very encouraging to me and has had a very positive impact on my state of mind. I think it is even spilling over into my offline world in the few occasions when I can legally interact with a human. I really think there is hope for this world.

Thank you to all the behind the scenes people that make this place so enjoyable and to Paul for having the vision for it all.

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Pearl Sutton

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posted 5 years ago

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Wouldn't it be excellent if the whole net followed the Be Nice rule?
That is one of the things I like best here, I can say things that are weird to "normal people" and I don't get flamed for it. I might get questions "Why are you doing that?" or more likely "Oh cool, how can I do it too?!" but it won't be "you are just abnormal and a menace to civilized society." This is WHY I live on Permies :D

If you recall the Wheaton Eco Scale the same idea applies many facets of the world. I could draw a chart that starts with "being a dick on the net" and goes upward, and I LOVE seeing people learning you CAN be nice, even when you disagree, and THAT changes the world, one mind at a time, just as learning to eat dandelions does.

Spread the Be Nice concept to the whole net! You don't do it by demanding others do so, you do it by always being nice yourself, and figuring out how to be nice even when you disagree with others. You model good behavior, and others will follow you up the scale :D

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William Bronson

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posted 5 years ago

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I think Diego Footer says "Be the change you want to see"
It really can work, I've done it on YouTube comments, persistent politeness won out.

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Michael Helmersson

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posted 5 years ago

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William Bronson wrote:I think Diego Footer says "Be the change you want to see"
It really can work, I've done it on YouTube comments, persistent politeness won out.

The youtube comments section is one of the "bad neighbourhoods" of the web. If you're getting positive results there, that speaks volumes.

“Uncertainty is an uncomfortable position. But certainty is an absurd one.”
― Voltaire

M James

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posted 5 years ago

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It's a very sad day when being polite is seen as being weak. I think it's just a sign of the times.

So happy for you that things are going well! I bet your online activity is a good example for others. Somebody is always watching, and it's a wonderful feeling when you can be a good influence.

Douglas Alpenstock

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posted 5 years ago

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People are fearful. They mask it by attacking.

They are not unlike a fearful dog. It bites first, asks questions later. But persistent calm demeanour and genuine good will can win over many a fearful dog.

Not all, though.

James Alun

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posted 5 years ago

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It's amazing how quickly you can stop an argument by apologising.

You might still feel like you're right but blessed are the peacemakes and all that.

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Judith Browning

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posted 5 years ago

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Permies has been my 'safe place' for years now.

Periodically I try to find other forums that suit my interests and give up because they don't have the moderation that we enjoy here.

...and really, this site has grown to include almost any subject one might want to discuss

"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution."
Kahlil Gibran

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Michael Dotson

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posted 5 years ago

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When I get flamed in YouTube I simply tell the person that they have spent their meaningless wad. They can achieve nothing else. Calling me names does not phase me in the least. I would have to respect the opinion of the other person before I'd let that opinion affect me.
Additionally, I have a 'F$<k you' button that puts a smile on my face.
I read the entire rebuttal, as well. Those are hilarious, but all they can do is call me names and attempt to insult me. I just laugh at them. It doesn't take long for the smart ones to give up and go away. The dumb ones takes a while. One guy tried every day for a month straight before he finally gave up. I never called him a name nor insulted his mother's obvious virtue. All it takes is just a little bait to haul in the biggest fish!
Being nice is way more cool, but one should not be afraid to speak ones mind.

John F Dean

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posted 5 years ago

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I now have a total of 3 sites I regularly go to ( Permies, chess, and astronomy). All are moderated with similar rules.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

Paul Sofranko

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posted 4 years ago

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As I've said in another thread, (I think someone's Introduction post) Permies is my happy place. It is my 'safe zone' or whatver when even if I don't post and merely lurk, it's refreshing and encouraging to read threads and replies that are civil, informed and intelligent. (That being said, I rarely visit the Cider Press as that's contingent upon pies and apples and I don't always have the former.)

Rachel Lindsay

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posted 4 years ago

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Douglas Alpenstock wrote:People are fearful. They mask it by attacking....But persistent calm demeanour and genuine good will can win over many a fearful dog.

Trolling and ugly behaviors in fora (I'm a Latin teacher!), etc., are just like honking at rush hour: a stressed driver lets out impatience and anger by laying on the horn, and then not only is he now more upset, but several other people are, too. The badness multiples instantly...yuck!

(Aside: I have never used my horn in frustration, even to beep at folks daydreaming at a stoplight that has turned green, because so often I have been that daydreamer. It feels good to not embarrass anyone, and I have a few seconds to pause and be grateful for many things while waiting for my turn to go. Someone else will always beep, in the end!)

Modelling civility and generosity can be similarly, but more subtly, contagious to angry outbursts. This is of course particularly seen with youth, who are looking to see how grown-ups behave as a guide to what to do (I see this again and again through motherhood, every time I forget that someone is watching my every choice!). Online and offline, moments of generosity, patience, and good cheer are even more powerful when they have just become part of who you are. I'm working on that one!

“If we are honest, we can still love what we are, we can find all the good there is to find, and we may find ways to enhance that good, and to find a new kind of living world which is appropriate for our time.” ― Christopher Alexander

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