Woah Nelly! You found Stumpy the Garden Gnome!

***

Stumpy wrote:Hi,

My name is Stumpy. I was trapped in a Christmas tree for almost 8 years!  (Don't believe me? Just count my rings!)  

Now that I'm free again I "wood" love to travel around the neighborhood playing hide-and-seek with you!

Btw, I live in the community garden behind the preschool, so if you find me somewhere, take me home!  And if I look bored at home in my garden, read me a good book or perhaps hide me somewhere new in the neighborhood!

-Stumpy

Ps. In exchange for playing hide and seek or reading to me, I promise to not steal any more of your tupperware lids or socks!

Stumpy is the best-looking garden gnome I have ever seen.

You are so creative with both wood and verse.

I have an inkling of a feeling that other gnomes or maybe some other feyfolk are on their way to my garden.

Wow, Stumpy, I love that variety of purple kale you're hiding behind, and my ducks love it too!

After reading your comments, Stumpy got busy scrawling on a piece of paper with a chunk of biochar.   A month later, he handed me these three tiny letters...

Anne wrote:Stumpy is the best-looking garden gnome I have ever seen.

To which he replied...

Stumpy the Garden Gnome wrote:Deer Dear Anne,

Thank you kindly, ma'am!  If my vashcular system was made up of capillaries 'nstead of xylem and phloem, I'd be blushin'!  I take after my folks, two lovely Christmas spruces.  And you should see my wee ones! They're a very spritely bunch.  I wonder if someone will help me travel to see them shoon?  If show, I'll have shum-buddy upload a photo.

Yours Treely,

~Stumpy

P.s. Sorry for my shpelling.  I'm still learnin' to shpeak this language.

Jay Angler wrote:Wow, Stumpy, I love that variety of purple kale you're hiding behind, and my ducks love it too!

To which Stumpy replied...

Stumpy the Garden Gnome wrote:Dear Jay (but not the bird kind or da boy kind),

Yesh ma'am indeed-y!  Dat's That's been my FAVORITE kale!  The gardener reshcued it along with a bunch of other brash-iccas.  They've kept me nourished over this cold wet winter.  I'm glad you're your ducks like them.  Are your ducks made of wood, too?  There they're not witches, are they?  I'm scared of witches! It's now April, and the brassicas are shtarting to flower, 2 too!  Dat That means all the neighbor-gardeners can grow MORE kale if they save these biennial seeds which will form soon!  Think they'll save them?  I hope they do!  Someone saved me when I was stuck inside a tree!

Yours Treely,

~Stumpy

L. Johnson wrote:I have an inkling of a feeling that other gnomes or maybe some other feyfolk are on their way to my garden.

To which, upon hearing this, Stumpy figuratively jumped up and down -- very impressive mind you, when one's whole body is a stump --  and then he quickly (over the course of a month) scrawled on a bit of paper with a piece of burnt char...

Stumpy the Garden Gnome wrote: Dear El-Dot Johnson of the Far Away Lands,

Shhoow CoOOool!  There are some plast-icky and ceram-icky gnomes in my 'hood I'd like to meet, but I never get to visit them, because none of the neighbors ever seem to pick me up and take me anywhere.  <:(   As a result, I had to make friends with a pomegranate tree and some strawberries in my rock spiral.  I've attashed a picture of my plant friends.  People think I'm weird for talking to plants.  Is it okay to talk to plants?

Yours Treely,

~Stumpy

P.s. I hope to get to travel some time.  Everyone around me gets to travel, and I hope they'll bring me along for the ride!  Maybe some day I'll make it all the way to the Far Away Lands, too!

Dear Stumpy,
It is absolutely great, to talk to plants! It makes them feel loved and wanted. Maybe your friend that found you in that tree could take you along with him, sometimes! It would be very cool to see pictures of you, in your travels and new experiences!

Dear Stumpy,

Thank you for your lovely letter. I haven't let my kale go to seed yet. When I see the flower heads, I pick them before they flower and eat them for dinner - yummm! I call it "broccoli wanna be". Eventually, they will demand to flower, and the bees love to visit then. In fall when the seed pods have dried, I take them and crush them in many different spots in the garden. Many of them germinate, but our winters are wet and our insects are hungry, so many of the babies are eaten. It's important to feed the insects though. If there aren't enough survivors, I start some in the house and transplant them when they're a little bigger and the weather is a little warmer.

My ducks are not wood, and not witches either. They're Khaki Campbell ducks and I call the "Quacky Ducks" - they are very noisy at times, although not as loud as the geese. I'm sure you would love a visit to my homestead, but alas, I'm on an Island, so you'd need someone to bring you across on the ferry and it is noisy so it might be a tough journey for a sensitive Gnome such as yourself.

Spring is in the air - I hope you are enjoying the warmer weather,

Cheers Jay

George... you may have the beginnings of a very cute, fun blog - or even vlog, here! "Dear Stumpy" could potentially be very successful!

This thread really lifted my spirits today. Thank you to Stumpy and all contributors for the playful banter. It was a great diversion!...Speaking of Spirits, has anyone seen any wood spirits this year?   I haven't seen any since last Summer

John Duffy wrote:This thread really lifted my spirits today. Thank you to Stumpy and all contributors for the playful banter. It was a great diversion!...Speaking of Spirits, has anyone seen any wood spirits this year?   I haven't seen any since last Summer

Glad to hear, John!  Wood spirits, eh?  Aye.  I remember coming across some wood sprites only three months ago to the day.

It was just two wee ones at first.  They showed up around the same time I freed Stumpy.  Cute little ones, with pointy jute hats, and dark eyes gleaming, yet never blinking back at me.  So dark and shiny, it was as if they had been recently caramelized by a wood burning pyrography pen.  And their faces had that adorable "are you my mommy?" cartoon look to them.  No wee sprites, I am certainly not your mum, though perhaps Stumpy was responsible for their sudden appearance?

I confronted the wooden gnome about their mysterious appearance.  He shrugged his wooden shoulders (don't ask me how, it is too painful to describe), and he claimed ignorance at the time; but there was simply no way it could have all happened just by chance.  I don't believe in coincidences.  I was going to confront him about the adorable sprites again, but then...

Something far worse, dreadful, and ~mysterious~ happened:

THE GREAT HOME gnome INVASION OF 2022.

It was vitally important to rid my home of those critters, and to get them some space of their own.  After all, every creature needs its due space for health and happiness.  Besides, if the wee gnomes and sprites lived in too close of proximity for too long of time, weird mischievous things might happen, ya know?  

For instance, once I journeyed up to the High High Mountains.  And I came across these weird wooden ones:



Such hideous, maddening creatures!  Everyone needs their space to grow.

Stumpy hands you a letter...

Stumpy wrote:Howdy friends of the neighborwood!

SoooOOoOOo many fun things to share with you!  Hum hum humble-bee.  Where shall I start?  

~Travels & Friends~
Have you travelled lately?  I have!  I travelled up in...   a TREE!  Can you believe it!?  The view of the world is GREAT from up here!  I've never climbed a tree before!  Sure, I've been a tree before, but this is way different!   I lub lub LOVE it!  Guess how high I am?  I'll tell you.  Over 1 METER!  That's like, [scribbles some math on a piece of bark] tree three times as tall as I am! It's a whittle little wobbly up here. If I make one wrong move, I could FALL!  Wee diddle!  It's a little scary, but so much more exciting than sitting safely on my rock spiral all day.  All sorts of people walk right by me.   Hmm.  Maybe an unsafe world filled with new challenges, new people, and a little danger is perhaps... a better world?  And who knows, maybe someday someone passing by will hide me in an even TALLER tree of the neighborhood!    <:-D

Speaking of new people, before I was moved up here onto this lovely tree, a new neighbor took me on my very first travel without my normal Gardener-friend beside me!  I moved 3 meters!  I even got to see the Kindergarden!  That new neighbor I met is working with the preschool "Kindergarden", and he and the school kids planted a Three Sisters Garden.  Do you know what that is?  

That Kindergarden also has lovely marigold flowers around the border.  Is it true that marigolds help repel pests?

~Tending the Garden~
Last year, my Gardener-friend started a community garden area over beside that "Kindergarden" plot.  (It's up near the water hose along the fence.)  But today he told me that he has other gardens to attend to, and he said that I'm responsible for it now!  Aaah responsibility!  But I'm made of wood and imagination, and I don't even have opposable thumbs!  How will I be able to tend the garden?  

I have an idea!  I'll ask for help!  

See attached...

~Stumpy

Dear Stumpy the Garden Gnome,

This time, I'm writing you a letter!  

But I must confess that this will likely be my one and only letter to you, and that I won't be able to hand carry any more of your notes!  I know it's sad, but fear not, it's for the best, as my family and I will be starting up a wonderful new permaculture-style farmstead / orchard / nursery from scratch off in my distant homelands.  I can't wait!

Being a wooden figment carved out of a Christmas tree, I've learned that you require a steady trickle of something called imagination to prevent you from deteriorating into mere xylem; and I simply won't be able to provide you such a continuous stream of this so-called imagination substance, as I'll be using my current reserves for all sorts of fun farming projects!  

Regardless, don't worry, as I've transported you to a corner of the playground!  

The kids throughout this neighborhood -- along with brave adults who find you and turn you upside down and find this website thread -- can surely supply all the imagination you will need to survive!  From here who knows where you'll end up and what you'll do?

To help these good neighbors keep you alive, I've created for you your very own (wooden) bucket list:

Stumpy the Garden Gnome's Personal (Wooden) Bucket List:

Take a #stumpyselfie doing anything neat below, or while travelling the world, and post/link it here!

Climb a BIGGER tree in the neighborhood!

Pick plums immediately off of the overpass walkway to the park (the one 100m southwest of your neighborhood).

Go apple picking for free in that big big big park a few miles to the west of your neighborhood.

Recruit gardening friends to keep the community garden beside the fence growing.

Practice composting using the bin behind the school, and use the compost to obtain your own unexpected yields.

Play some volleyball -- to help you here, I grant you custody of "Hopper",  the blue and white and yellow Community Volleyball of Awesomeness hanging up on the volleyball net.  Hopefully Hopper doesn't get stolen!

Reunite with the "wee ones".  These garden sprites are at the Six Sisters Garden several miles south.  (Contact the Refugee Outreach Committee for general info on volunteering!)

Water the community pomegranate tree!  Keep it alive through winter!

Rescue any of the travelling strawberry plants in the community garden by the fence; divide it to make more plants, and transplant it outside of an apartment complex.  Over time see how many apartments can have their own strawberry plants!

It's been fun, Stumpy!  Best wishes on your (wooden) bucket list!

Goodbye, Stumpy! Auf Wiedersehen, Stumpy!

-Your gardening friend

PS. Perhaps in future years I can keep you updated on my farmstead projects?  Maybe I will write a book, or start a YouTube channel, or simply post updates here on permies.com regarding all my future adventures and projects?  Stumpy, if you'd like that, write me a note ;D