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The green broom of death!

John F Dean

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There is an old green broom that stands in the corner of our kitchen. Among certain circles in our family, it is known as The Green Broom of Death! According to legend it is responsible for the deaths and crippling of thousands of innocent kittens and puppies. This weapon of mass destruction has gained such a reputation that all my wife or I need to do is to mention The Green Broom of Death and conformance is immediate. It is worth noting that neither my wife nor I have ever seen the item strike anyone. But that is a small matter.

So, I had to go to the doctor in the big city today. My wife wasn’t up to par, so she stayed home. At some point, she decided she needed to feed the pigs. She is shorter than me, so she opened the gate to the pen rather than reach over the fence, and they ran out. I had already fed them before I left. Without hesitation, she knew what to do. She went to the house and grabbed The Green Broom of Death. The pigs knew the end was near. They ran back to their pen screaming for their lives. Word gets around.

Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk … sour and chunky.

Jill Dyer

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Location: Oz; Centre South

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posted 1 month ago

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That's funny! Round here, rather than having a named weapon of choice I'm known as "Broomhilda" but the effect is the same

May the Green Broom of Death be wielded in good health and with great effect.

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Anne Miller

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posted 1 month ago

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I am glad things worked out for your wife and the pigs.

I thought brooms were meant to kill dirt?

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John F Dean

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 1 month ago

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Hi Jill,

For the household members, the mere threat of The Weapon is enough …such as, “Am I going to have to get the Green Broom of Death?”

Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk … sour and chunky.

John Weiland

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posted 1 month ago

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WE got "the bread-board" when we were growing up, so mention of that was a sufficient corrective. :-? ......

For sure my wife continues a rather risky game at age 75. She feeds several pet pigs.....not confined. So she is busy dropping bowls of food to each while they scurry into position....each at a weight of ~700 - 800 lbs. Only now is she starting to keep her cell phone on her in case she gets knocked down. I've tried but cannot convince her to do this any other way. Anyway, occasionally one pig has finished from a different part of the yard and tries to sneak in to where the final bunch is being fed. That's when wife gets out the large 4 foot-long white whacking spatula. You wouldn't think it stops them in their tracks, but they remember the fury that reigns down upon them when they try this sneak attack.....and they reverse course accordingly.

“The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”― Albert Einstein

John F Dean

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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Hi John,

We have Kunes …as pigs go, they are relatively gentle. But, they can still knock a person over.

Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk … sour and chunky.

Douglas Alpenstock

pollinator

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Location: Canadian Prairies - Zone 3b

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posted 1 month ago

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Can I get a subscription to the Green Broom of Death? Or rent one by the hour? I can think of a few political operators and world leaders who need to be shown The Broom.

I think this has franchise potential.

John F Dean

master steward

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 1 month ago

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If you act now, for three payments of $49.95 you can have not one..but 2 Green Brooms of Death. If you are one of the first 100 customers, you will also get a mini Green Broom of Death. Shipping and handling are extra.

Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk … sour and chunky.

Douglas Alpenstock

pollinator

Posts: 5520

Location: Canadian Prairies - Zone 3b

1519

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I suggest you also provide training/certification courses (available for an additional fee). The power of a GBOD is not only the terrifying physical object, it is also the terrifying and utterly resolute body language of the person wielding it.

Jay Angler

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Douglas Alpenstock wrote:... utterly resolute body language of the person wielding it.

Some of us skip the GBOD, and settle for just the "utterly resolute body language!"

Last night, my gaggle of geese *really* wanted dinner, and I *really* wanted to get my mother duck and her 3 ducklings to bed first. So I'm standing there, blocking the gaggle from following, trying to reason with words they can't understand, that they *must* be patient and *wait* their turn.

They did not pass! They didn't even hiss. Collectively, that group of 9 birds probably outweigh me, and definitely have a larger volume if you added them all up. I think they are just smart enough to understand that if they piss me off too badly, they won't get dinner!

So yes, resolute body language as a form of communication, seems capable of crossing species!

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thomas rubino

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Our Mastiff Molly is a very laid-back doggie, sleeping 80% of the time (except when she is violently barking at "something").
Sometimes when I call her to come, all I receive is an eye roll... busy sleeping here, dad, WTF...
However, if I place my hands on my hips and call her, I get an instant response; she knows I'm serious and better get moving.

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John Weiland

pollinator

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Location: RRV of da Nort, USA

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Jay Angler wrote:

......So yes, resolute body language as a form of communication, seems capable of crossing species!

Yes!.... My wife is pretty vocal with her insistence when trying to establish "order" (such as it is) during feeding. As you can imagine, a group of pigs gets pretty rambunctious and vocal itself around dinner time. I've gotten used to wife's "intense admonitions" over the years. During periods of intense frustration, however, she takes it up a notch or two (remember the movie "Spinal Tap" where the band's guitar amplifiers could be dialed up to 11 instead of the normal 10... LOL!).... and her screaming meltdowns can practically be heard across the county. When it finally dies out, however, ....complete silence from the pigs!! They start to tip-toe around around the back of the barn or behind some trees and suddenly feel it best to graze on some nearby grass until "dinner is served". But by the next evening, they will have forgotton their manners and it all begins anew! (shakes head in disbelief)

“The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”― Albert Einstein

Carla Burke

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thomas rubino wrote:Our Mastiff Molly is a very laid-back doggie, sleeping 80% of the time (except when she is violently barking at "something").
Sometimes when I call her to come, all I receive is an eye roll... busy sleeping here, dad, WTF...
However, if I place my hands on my hips and call her, I get an instant response; she knows I'm serious and better get moving.

This describes my girl, Charlie, too - well, not so much the barking part. But, it seems that often, without the 'I mean BUSINESS' attitude, she takes my 'come here' command as merely a suggestion - unless there's a treat involved. Then, she'll not only follow any command she knows, but would likely figure out on her own, any commands she didn't know!

With the livestock... no stance, no attitude will work 100% of the time. "Go to BED!" usually works for the ducks. But, even they will occasionally seem compliant, then at the very last second, veer away from the door... Herding cats is easier than herding my chickens or goats. The one thing that works every time for me is the feed bucket. It can even be empty. But, feed bucket in hand, every critter on this farm will follow me around like the pied piper!

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

John F Dean

master steward

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posted 1 month ago

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Hi Douglas,

If you sign up now for the 3 day intensive training at the Double Tree on the riverfront in St. Louis the 2 Green Brooms of Death will be included in the tuition of $1000.00. Also included will be a user manual.

You with be responsible for your room and meals.

With this offer you will learn:

How to properly hold the GBOD
Eye contact
Voice control ( get your asses back in that pen NOW)
How to address the police should your neighbors call them.
Pluse many other issues.

Note: Under no circumstances should the GBOD be used on your neighbors or the police.

Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk … sour and chunky.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 7673

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 1 month ago

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New Product Alert!!

Our research department has developed a GBOD with an expanding handle that can be carried in your back pocket. There are rumors that it has magical properties.

Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk … sour and chunky.

John Weiland

pollinator

Posts: 2723

Location: RRV of da Nort, USA

817

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John F Dean wrote:New Product Alert!!

Our research department has developed a GBOD with an expanding handle that can be carried in your back pocket. There are rumors that it has magical properties.

John D., In adherance to modern internet marketing standards, you must begain all such advertisements with the announcement that "Major broom manufacturers around the world are furious that the average person can buy this military-grade GBOD, but they can't do a thing about it!...." :-)

“The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”― Albert Einstein

John Weiland

pollinator

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Location: RRV of da Nort, USA

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Carla Burke wrote:.. Herding cats is easier than herding my chickens or goats.....!

Geese can be pretty bad because of their wariness. I have to channel all of my inner Border Collie on some nights to cajole them into their safe space.

“The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”― Albert Einstein

John F Dean

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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I have used the GBOD on chickens, but my chickens tend to go vertical. I don’t have ducks or geese.

Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk … sour and chunky.

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