Dez Graduate Program (Second Quest)

I think when one lives at a constant state of "Go go go!" for years, it's really easy to kind of crash for a while afterward. Maybe it's adrenal fatigue, maybe it's just general mental need to take a break, maybe it's something else. I don't know. But, I know it's happened to me a few times after a series of busy/stressful months &/or years.

Take the rest you need to recover! I know that when my husband and I over do it, our health really tanks. We've both experienced enough auto-immune flare ups after periods of activity/stress to know we just need to rest when our bodies demand it and we have a chance to do said resting!

Your neurotransmitters are probably adjusting,  A while back (1992?) some research was done on the Serotonin levels of unemployed administrators.  Not only did their levels crash, but it took several weeks of new employment to get them back up.  The issue most likely is you are no longer making the multitude of decisions you were once making….  And, most likely, you weren’t even aware of many decisions you were making.

Post 17, Thursday, thanksgiving

Today I park in front of a lake.. camping ..and it feels so right.. first time in a while.. this is much closer to the freedom I’ve been wanting.. but still not exactly it.. so much much much of life was spent trying to be precise accurate dogmatic.. and for good reason too—because it felt right by others and me.. now the page has certainly flipped.. and the story, as my dear friend would say, has taken a hard left!.. here I am not chasing money but still a little preoccupied by my “financial future“.. what is security?.. is it in a million dollars? Or a million doll hairs?.. if it isn’t in worldly things, perhaps security lies in worthiness..?.. worthy of accident insurance, worthy of a stable residual income, worthy of being loved by self and others..

[Interested in what the morning Sun looks like here.. ]

Do billionaires feel secure?.. what journey DID i sign up for experiencing on earth? What seems to feel right and good are a practice of faith in humidity and generosity to others.. coupled with a heap of gratitude and an abundance of joy.. If life is temporary, these just have to be it..

Dez Choi wrote:.......
Do billionaires feel secure?.. what journey DID i sign up for experiencing on earth? What seems to feel right and good are a practice of faith in humidity and generosity to others.. coupled with a heap of gratitude and an abundance of joy.. If life is temporary, these just have to be it..

Speaking of 'secure', had to copy this before you edited out the possible Freudian slip:  "....practice of faith in humidity....".  With the understanding that you probably meant 'humility', it's still possible that this is the journey you signed up for.....to feel in your bones the power of a Permies perspective to provide water in times/locations of great thirst (drought, naturally arid environs, reclamation of desertified lands made so by agricultural misuse).  In this context, humidity is 'self-regenerating'.....like a rainforest whose own humidity provides the new rainfall from the upper canopy.

Bootstrapping this idea around your probable *intended* notion of "humility and generosity to others", those too are 'self-fulfilling' in a well-lived life. As a contrast with financial capital, which is often earned in great amounts within a system of questionable ethical principles, authentic humility and generosity provide immeasurable depths of social capital.  Those connections are the 'water in the desert'..... the sustaining bonds that usher one through this life and prepare one for the next.

As for "Do billionaires feel secure",  I appreciate John D. Rockefeller's candor in addressing this issue:  

"Question: How much money is enough? And can you ever have too much? .....

For John D. Rockefeller the answer was “just a little bit more.” At the peak of his wealth, Rockefeller had a net worth of about 1% of the entire US economy. He owned 90% of all the oil & gas industry of his time. Compared to today’s rich guys, Rockefeller makes Bill Gates and Warren Buffett look like paupers.

And yet he still wanted “just a little bit more.” "
-- https://www.shreveporttimes.com/story/news/local/blogs/2017/12/10/how-much-money-enough/930449001/

Post 18, Tuesday, today

“Enjoy the journey..” they say.. and now I’m listening.. because I thought I knew what they meant.. I was the guy that responded nodding their head saying “yeah man it’s about the journey not the destination man..” (while simultaneously looking around to see if anyone else was as confused as me.. like, “what’s that actually mean though?”

Today. I’m in SoCal. At a parking lot. Is it safe? Are there creeps out there? Dang I don’t know. I actually believe that people are kind and respectful. I know that popular media portrays the human kind as who knows what.. but why can’t I focus on kindness generosity and abundance? I’ve been looking out for myself in a self centered kind of way for many years now. And I’ve experienced lack, fear of missing out, social anxiety, etc. What might I experience if I rely on miracles and the unrefined beauty of humanity? Will I be amazed every single day? In the Spirit of experimentation— Here’s to finding out!

Today, I started deleting old connections that became stagnant or one sided. I had to ask “why do we know each other virtually as ‘friends’ on social media?” And by deleting the stale, room is made for the fresh. Fresh is best. I’m not deleting the person from my life at all. The ones that want to connect—they will connect. This step is about making room for amazingness to flow in.

Been in SoCal since Saturday, after camping at sweet water camp ground for a couple nights. It was there, under the starry night, in my van, about 2500ft elevation, that the realization arose: the first time I felt truly able to relax and be me, in a very long time. I had been carrying anxiety that wasn’t originally mine. Therefore not enjoying each moment as-is.

So much of the last two decades of my life were destination focused. With each year my stress levels growing; which means enjoyment levels shrinking. I even became kinda numb to the little things. Like the singing glory of a sunrise. Or the mesmerizing warmth of a sunset. Been there done that what’s next.. was my attitude.. all because I was focused on the destination instead of the journey.

This round I’d like to focus on chasing relationships instead of money. Tonight I had a nice call with a friend, Andy. I had lunch with an aunt I hadn’t seen in over a decade, Kathy. I went to my moms grave site for the first time and talked to her about enjoying the journey over some Brie cheese and chips. I talked about my experiences with permaculture and the possibility of living off the land. Turns out I have a cousin that’s into this kind of stuff also, so we’re gonna chat on Thursday. I’m booked for a week and I just started reaching out to folks.

I’m in this world for a blip right? My message is “Be. Love. Enjoy.” My mission is to connect to the human that collided with me from across the distant galaxies, and find out why we ever met. And if there’s a natural resonance, or harmony, nurture and enjoy that. But if there’s dissonance it’s okay to walk away. My purpose is to understand the magic of connection and relationship without judgement or coercion. You know how some people are just easy to get along with? That’s resonance and harmony to me.  

Post 19, Tuesday, today (dec 6)

So much has happened in the past week..
I landed in buena park, ca.. hanging out with family and dear friends..

Learning the importance of intentional rest: birthright.
Learning that eating three meals/day is tiresome for my body/constitution.. i perform best with one solid meal/day.. this is how i trained myself at wheaton labs: individual journey.
Learning that most of my single friends of past are now parents to young babies.. with now way different priorities: respect.
Learning that I am on a new journey towards the unknown, and to leave the fond memories/relationships of the past in the past: painful yet freeing.
Learning that watching certain TV shows helps me to connect with my emotions: uplifting/healing.
Learning that humans yearn for connectedness/community: compassion.

As some of you may have read, my relationship with my father, the man who raised me, has not been of the "traditional" ideal.. a 12 year reunion was met with embrace and tears, last wednesday.. he didnt recognize me until i said my name.. my face and my clothes have changed so much in the past decade+.. I was finally ready to face the person who only ever wants good things for me in my journey.. i had ventured into "the wilderness" so to speak, in search of my conviction.. after having seen how lonely and painful the world outside of a loving family could be, i now have the experiential contrast that i had desired to understand.. its a simple thing to love and be loved in return.. its a simple thing to lean in, to the walk of faith.. the complications come only with distractions; and there are so many ways to be distracted.. what i realized is that communication takes time.. even or especially amongst family; so much can be assumed about the other because of close proximity--this is a potential pitfall.. one with which i was certainly familiar.. being alone is a rejuvenating practice for me and learning to communicate this lovingly is acceptable.. not only acceptable, but necessary.. its simultaneously allows the other party to understand me, and how i operate effectively.. thereby offering a chance to strengthen a bond.. and if the other party cares, then they will certainly meet me half way.. i dont need everyone to accept me, but those who do hold a special place in my heart and thoughts.. i dont have much [things] to offer but my presence, and for these special humans, that seems to be enough.. i still struggle with this concept, that i am enough, so each day i re-learn to be a friend to me first, so that i can be a friend to others.. 12 years has taught me the meaning of friendship.. and for this i can only be grateful for the opportunity to express to my friends, all that i came to earth to express, for my friends.. my wish is to be the best friend i can be for the person that raised and loved me unconditionally.. a special and long overdue thanks, for being patient with me and for everything that makes you you, dad!!! i am the proudest son of an amazing father, and i love you..  

Post 20, Thursday, today (dec 29)

hello again! 23 days since the last post.. time sure flies when I’m trying to do nothing but rest.. My version of Coronas on the beach has been ginger tea on a 400 thread count sheet—hehe, it’s marvelous.. best part is that I am beginning to feel my way into a state of confidence.. (for a while, I honestly thought the fatigue would last forever..).. The key ingredient to my betterment seems to be Support and Understanding, from myself and those around me.. (a huge thank you to those who replied such kind words and thoughts!).. if there was a number, I’m probably at 30%; it’s funny how when my mind thinks I have more capacity than that, the rest of me says, “oh actually we’re gonna sit down..” with a reassuring smile and nod.. so here I sit.. with my favorite ginger tea, internet and running water, in a suburban 4 bedroom home.. the fact is that I’ve been running beyond my capacity for the past couple decades trying to discover my limits.. so there is a chance I have used up much of my reserves—perhaps similar to what does adrenal fatigue feel like?..

More on this in a bit.. gonna put away some dishes and trash..

This might help.

Post 21, Thursday, today (jan 12)

.. Time seems to be flying by and it makes me wonder.. about legacy.. is it alright if I’m just the middleman this time ‘round?.. I seem to gain little satisfaction from “winning” for the sake of winning.. but if I can assist—that feels cool, to me .. ;) so maybe my legacy can be an assist..

A walk
around the block
Is a nice
Way to start

Then some breakfast
And daydreaming time
Yoga and Stretches
Breathing and Presence

Step outside to
Grocery hunt

Feed the horse
Exercise the horse 🐴
Love the horse :)

Hans—Thanks and thanks to dr B!