A touch too much

From some of the discussions here in the personals section, I've noticed a lot of people mention how they are not fans of physical contact. The old stereotype is that women are cuddlers and men are not. Though it does not fit me, I've generally seen it to be true for the majority of people I have seen. But here I have seen some pretty strong feelings expressed by women who do not like touch. I can understand not liking touch from strangers, but not from a significant other. And the big question I now have: What about sex? How can a person who cringes at touch even do it? I've always assumed that even if a person doesn't like touch from virtually anyone, they would at least like it from someone with whom they have been intimate. Is this the reason so many people have problems in this area? Is this why so many men have ED? Is this why so many women have trouble climaxing? Thinking about it for the first time, it would make perfect sense.

How does a distaste for touch affect relationships? Is it even possible for a cuddler to successfully be with a non-cuddler? Is it nature or nurture? Is it an inherent personality trait or can a person learn to like contact? Is there some way people can help each other have better lives in this regard?

Jordan Holland wrote:

How does a distaste for touch affect relationships?
Is it even possible for a cuddler to successfully be with a non-cuddler?
Is it nature or nurture? Is it an inherent personality trait or can a person learn to like contact?
Is there some way people can help each other have better lives in this regard?

Short answer,   NO.  You can't cuddle a non cuddler

It is not for the lack of want of intimacy, it is hard wired sensory input that overrides
the non cuddlers' nervous system.

Deal breaker?  yes, very very hard to impossible to overcome.

I love sex.  That's the exception to the "not much touching" rule.   In fact,  I think I put adult-adult touching into the "extremely intimate/erotic" category almost exclusively.   Maybe that's why I don't like it "casually" so much.   It feels invasive and restrictive.    I wouldn't go so far as saying I can't tolerate it or that I have a distaste for casual touching, but I do find it annoying and time-wasting lol.   It's not something that gives me comfort or makes me feel...  whatever it is that people feel who enjoy it.   I don't relate to that.

It's interesting the question about learning to like it/ having "better lives."    I'm going to assume you mean helping a couple that aren't compatible in this regard meet in the middle somewhere and be successful, rather than implying people who are not drawn to or enjoy much casual physical touching somehow have "less" of a life while people who  like to cuddle have "more" of a life.  I don't like olives either but my life is pretty awesome anyway.   No one will make me like them.   Ever.

I dated a guy who was the opposite of casual touch comfortable. It was very different. He's lovely, the sex was great, we get along well. When we did touch it always felt oddly significant, like it was in all caps or bold type.

What I did learn is that I personally need a lot of casual touch. And, if I'm not getting that from my environment, I need to be actively making sure my touch needs are being met. Spend time with a snuggle-loving dog, friends who like to hug in greeting, a contact sport, maybe schedule a massage.

I find it depends.

Sometimes I don't mind being touched. Sometimes I go out of my way to seek a friendly touch.

And sometimes I have to mentally fight the urge to pull away from a friendly touch. Sometimes I lose and I do pull away, and I feel bad because I know the person I've pulled away now feels like they've done something wrong.

Communication would be important. "I'm sorry, I'm just not in the mood," is sometimes exactly true!

Heather Staas wrote: I think I put adult-adult touching into the "extremely intimate/erotic" category almost exclusively.   Maybe that's why I don't like it "casually" so much.   It feels invasive and restrictive.   .

I agree with this.  I think this is why I am so put off by dating profiles that say someone is very tactile, or loves cuddling up on the sofa.  It feels like they will launch themselves at me on the first date before we know each other.  When someone says they enjoy cuddles on the sofa, it makes me wonder if they are talking about something they did with their last partner, which i don't particularly want to know about at this stage without knowing the context as to why that relationship ended, or if it's something they habitually do even though they are single, and it confuses me.

K Kaba wrote:I personally need a lot of casual touch. And, if I'm not getting that from my environment, I need to be actively making sure my touch needs are being met. Spend time with a snuggle-loving dog, friends who like to hug in greeting, a contact sport, maybe schedule a massage.

But I get this too.  I like hugging my kids and animals, and close friends, and my favourite guitar player.  So it must be very confusing for the "tactile" ones.

Pete Arthur wrote:
It is not for the lack of want of intimacy, it is hard wired sensory input that overrides
the non cuddlers' nervous system.

I've been thinking how this hard-wired sensory input would work. It's not in the nerves in the skin, is it? If it was, such a person touching a warm coffee cup or petting an animal would likely feel the same disgust. That leads me to believe it is in the brain where the discomfort originates. Do any non-cuddlers dislike the feel of a dog or similar pet? I've seen multiple studies where petting a dog or cat have showed remarkable effects on the brains of people with conditions such as Alzheimer's or Parkinson's, but I've never noticed anything said on people not liking or responding negatively to such touch.  

Is it a difference between touching and being touched? One has control over touching, but perhaps some have a natural feeling of violation or danger at being touched. I've noticed most wild animals are quite afraid of being touched, and even domesticated animals like dogs who may appreciate touch will often dislike hugs, likely as a holdover from the fact that in nature, if an animal is "hugged" there's a good chance something is trying to eat it. Maybe this is a primal instinct some still possess?

I am definitely a huggy person when it comes to a partner. With other people people, it really depends on the relationship. I have hugged strangers before now (they were holding a sign that said free hugs lol 😂). It just depends. One thing I really hate though is when people who aren’t my partner try to kiss me on he lips in greeting. I know it’s common for people to do that with their kids, other family members or even pets (ewwwww) but for me that kind of kiss is reserved for partners only.

My partner does not do physical affection at all, which is kinda hard for me. At times it makes me feel like he just doesn’t care. I don’t think that’s true but it’s hard knowing that whenever I’m going through something hard and could really use a hug, it’s never going to come from him. And on the rare occasions it does, it doesn’t feel as comforting as it should because I know that for him it’s not something he probably wants to do, but feels like he should do.

It's likely there may be some genetic components to the need or aversion to touch, but context plays a huge role as well as others have noted.  One angle is that we develop a 'comfort level' with physical touch based on very early experiences outside of the womb.  It is consistent that my own aversion to casual touch possibly was a consequence of very low levels of 'rewarded' touch through my infancy and childhood..... probably 'punishment' touch was more common in our family in those early years.  Jean Liedloff's book "The Continuum Concept...." delves into the importance of the 'in arms' stage of our development when it comes to development and our comfort level with touch and Tiffany Field's life work focuses on the therapeutic importance of touch general well-being in adults.  So while there are some unique aspects in each to dealing with touch, there are some decades old studies and observations on how early life touch experience *can* influence our contexts for how we respond to different touch scenarios as adults.

Edited to comment on

Heather Gardener wrote: And on the rare occasions it does, it doesn’t feel as comforting as it should because I know that for him it’s not something he probably wants to do, but feels like he should do.

Toughie.....this could be me.  I don't have any good answers because I agree, ...... it feels so insincere to hug my wife in a situation where *she* feels a need for a hug, but the context is one where my own sentiments in providing it are at such odds with the situation.  

Microdosing psilocybin would really really reeaaallly help those insincere, akward non touchers.

It helped me realize, "well this is it, this is the only moment we have together, better to release oxytocin from touch than to supress it and maybe never get the chance to share touch again."

That goes for anyone, a stranger and a handshake, family member and a hug or your Love and whatever you two do ♡

I'm like Heather Staas, I love sex but not casual touch.

For me, it's because my boundaries were constantly crossed in this area so I'm only comfortable being the initiator of touch. The only exception is small children because they are children. I'm not a fan of house cats because they are pushy about wanting to be petted. I've trained my dog to go away when I'm done petting her.

I absolutely loathe cuddling with people but stuffed animals are great.