Finding someone special if you have indestructible baggage?

After a breakup, we all know about the importance of working on yourself first before searching for a significant other.  You shouldn’t look for someone to solve your problems or make you happier.  

My question is this:  How do you attract someone if, after healing and self-improvement, you still have baggage (sometimes a whole moving van full) that cannot be off-loaded?  The baggage might be medicated mental health issues, physical ailments, constant weight troubles, intrusive family, etc.  You may have adapted to accommodate your baggage and function well, but others can still see that baggage behind you. They may even think you are not capable of this permie lifestyle.  How do you get someone to focus on you, not the baggage?  How do you let them know you aren’t looking for a bellhop?

Maybe not right now, but dragging baggage around wears holes in it and it doesn't all go away but the load gets lighter.

We all have baggage. And it's reasonable to wonder how much of your baggage they'll end up adding to their load. The best way to show you're not looking for a bellhop is to be managing your own well. Do your self-care, keep your boundaries healthy, and don't try to make others change to accommodate your baggage ( i.e. my ex cheated so now you can have no friends. ) Do what you'd be doing if you weren't looking to add a mate to your life.

I try not to hide my baggage. If someone can't handle it I'd rather know up front. And let them go, so we both have more room in our lives.

Hi Jodie, I think it depends on what you mean by "baggage." I tend to think of "baggage" more in terms of "needs." It's okay to have needs.

For someone who takes care of themselves and makes a daily effort for well-being, then their needs/baggage are simply a part of who they are. Everyone has "baggage," even a toddler!

This often tends to be an endearing part about someone we love, because we all have our own challenges.

As an example, I've learned I need to limit my exposures to non-native EMFs and fragrances. This helps me function optimally and helped me restore long-lost health. For the right person, it's no big deal and something we can easily work around. For the wrong person, it's too much.

It helps to find someone with somewhat compatible needs. If they have experienced something similar (even tangentially), they might have more empathy around the situation. Either way, embracing our needs and taking good care of ourselves is a great foundation. You are already well on your way and a great match for someone special. I'm sending you love in the meantime.

Thanks for replying, Robert and K Kaba.

I’m trying to live my life glorifying God and pursuing the dream of having a homestead again.  I am not putting all of my focus into finding a partner, but if I happen to find him while I am chasing a loose goat or trying to buy parts for an old kiln, praise God!  

I try to be as transparent as possible when I meet someone.  Some people may think I tell too much too soon, but I am not going to waste my or their time if they can’t handle me as I am.  I am not looking for someone to fix me, that is my job. I just get frustrated and disheartened when someone stays transfixed on my baggage and assumes that I need a theater for all my drama.

I guess I should be thankful when a guy says “good luck with all that” and blocks me.  If he didn’t block me, would have to explain to him that being a pretentious ignoramus makes him look smaller.  

Thank you, Isabelle

By baggage, I mean needs and past issues.  Even if someone was hurt and had healing, the scar is still there. The scar doesn’t have to affect the person at all anymore, but it is a reminder.  

I think just getting on with living as God leads is the way to go, and develop friendships first. Be yourself, don't hide the baggage, but don't put it front and center either.
Your siggy quotes Elisabeth Elliot, so you probably know she was a remarkable woman married to a guy who could be judged as a massive jerk from the way he treated her when they were dating. Which leads me nowhere apart from to say - be the remarkable woman you are. Try not to judge the jerks too badly, that's their own baggage talking. Set firm boundaries. Trust God to lead you to the right person who will accept you as you are and not either run away or try to "fix" you.

Hi Jodie.  Baggage is definitely a struggle and something everyone develops through life's trials.  My girlfriend and I have had difficulty navigating similar issues.  I would say the absolute best thing you can do for yourself and an interested partner is to show your dedication and desire to want to remove the troubles that seem to follow us.  None of us are perfect and none of us are truly where we want to be, so you don't need to be perfect or free of baggage.  What your partner or future partner will likely want to see, is that while there are problems we haven't worked through, we are dedicated to bettering our lives and getting ourselves into that place where we truly want to be.  I can say from experience it's hard to see your partner struggle with these things, but knowing they truly want to change them and are willing to do what it takes shows me that that's all I really want in a partner, someone that is willing to keep going and to keep improving their life.  I hope this helps and I wish you the absolute best at arriving at the "you" that you want to be!

It's more about "is your baggage compatible with one another" than not having ANY baggage.  Baggage is just luggage full of learned life lessons.  Do YOU know what you need to accommodate your luggage, so you can set those boundaries and be clear about your needs?  Do you truly know the lessons that were learned and can you not transfer worries and fears onto the other person?   It's OK to HAVE those worries and fears.   Most all of use have triggers and insecuries, weaknesses.   Are they compatible with the needs of the other person?  In both directions?  <3

Thank you, Jane and Mike, for your encouragement.

Heather, you have some good points to think about.  


Thanks for everyone’s insight and wisdom.  I feel like a fish out of water sometimes when it comes to relationships, especially now with the digital disconnection.

Hi Jodie,
I hope that I can encourage you, but I look at this a bit different, and I hope it will come out in the way it is meant... because if it doesn't, they will probably take this down :) I have a lot of thoughts, and these are not necessarily in a particular order. My goal is to add some of these thoughts for people reading this down the road, not so much specifically to you. I know there are nuances and exceptions, I'm am merely speaking in generalities.

I don't really believe in indestructible baggage. I believe that God can heal anything. Sometimes it takes a while, but He is the Master Healer. I also believe that God does not do things for us, that we can do ourselves. If we do what we can do, and God does the rest, I don't believe there should be very many people who have very much baggage left. Faith doesn't make things easy, it makes things possible.

There are certainly things that could be considered baggage that we cannot help. If someone was born without a limb, that could be baggage that cannot be helped. If someone marries a normal person, has 3 kids, and then the spouse turns truly abusive, cheats, and then runs off... that is not something you can help, but it is something you can heal from. If someone sleeps around with 50 other people before settling down, they are going to have baggage and many people will not want to be in a relationship with them. I believe they can heal from that, but in that example, it is their fault and frankly I think it should be hard to find someone to be with.

I think it needs to be divided between things that you can do something about, and things you cannot do anything about. In the examples of baggage, I think all of them are things that can be dealt with. Mental health - I believe this is something that can be healed. Sometimes it takes medication, sometimes it takes counseling, sometimes it takes diet, sometimes it takes time. Physical ailments - obviously depends on what, but I believe most can be taken care of. Again, it may take time. I myself have been on a 5 year journey to improve my health to the level that I believe to be "normal". Constant weight troubles - this is generally one of two things. Either a lack of discipline or linked to the physical ailments or mental health. Either way it can be managed with some work. Intrusive Family - I believe this can be dealt with, though it can mean some hard decisions. If they will listen or stop what they are doing, you will need to decide if your new family is more important than your old family. I think the Bible teaches this "...leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife....", and so I would say your spouse should be more important, and if the family is intruding, you may need to cut ties with the family or move to a new area. These are not easy things to deal with, but they are possible.

Don't worry too much about the things you cannot help, as people are far more likely to forgive them or be willing to deal with them. Just be honest about the things you can help. I will give you an example from a poll I heard about. Most men do not want to marry a woman who had children with other men. But the exception was if the woman was married, had children, and he died, leaving her a widow. In one case, the choices were traditional and she could not help her husband dying. In the other case, she could choose who she had children with, and (statistically speaking probably) was the one who chose to leave those other men. For my last example, I will throw something in from myself. Anxiety and depression make it hard to maintain a relationship. There is a big difference between admitting to having these problems and getting help, and refusing to admit you need help and expecting your spouse to simply put up with it forever.

Everybody makes choices, and everybody has a past. What you choose to do about them, makes a huge statement to others.

Matt McSpadden wrote:I don't really believe in indestructible baggage. I believe that God can heal anything. Sometimes it takes a while, but He is the Master Healer. I also believe that God does not do things for us, that we can do ourselves. If we do what we can do, and God does the rest, I don't believe there should be very many people who have very much baggage left. Faith doesn't make things easy, it makes things possible.

There are certainly things that could be considered baggage that we cannot help. If someone was born without a limb, that could be baggage that cannot be helped. If someone marries a normal person, has 3 kids, and then the spouse turns truly abusive, cheats, and then runs off... that is not something you can help, but it is something you can heal from. If someone sleeps around with 50 other people before settling down, they are going to have baggage and many people will not want to be in a relationship with them. I believe they can heal from that, but in that example, it is their fault and frankly I think it should be hard to find someone to be with.

I think it needs to be divided between things that you can do something about, and things you cannot do anything about. In the examples of baggage, I think all of them are things that can be dealt with. Mental health - I believe this is something that can be healed. Sometimes it takes medication, sometimes it takes counseling, sometimes it takes diet, sometimes it takes time. Physical ailments - obviously depends on what, but I believe most can be taken care of. Again, it may take time. I myself have been on a 5 year journey to improve my health to the level that I believe to be "normal". Constant weight troubles - this is generally one of two things. Either a lack of discipline or linked to the physical ailments or mental health. Either way it can be managed with some work. Intrusive Family - I believe this can be dealt with, though it can mean some hard decisions. If they will listen or stop what they are doing, you will need to decide if your new family is more important than your old family. I think the Bible teaches this "...leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife....", and so I would say your spouse should be more important, and if the family is intruding, you may need to cut ties with the family or move to a new area. These are not easy things to deal with, but they are possible.

Don't worry too much about the things you cannot help, as people are far more likely to forgive them or be willing to deal with them. Just be honest about the things you can help. I will give you an example from a poll I heard about. Most men do not want to marry a woman who had children with other men. But the exception was if the woman was married, had children, and he died, leaving her a widow. In one case, the choices were traditional and she could not help her husband dying. In the other case, she could choose who she had children with, and (statistically speaking probably) was the one who chose to leave those other men. For my last example, I will throw something in from myself. Anxiety and depression make it hard to maintain a relationship. There is a big difference between admitting to having these problems and getting help, and refusing to admit you need help and expecting your spouse to simply put up with it forever.

Everybody makes choices, and everybody has a past. What you choose to do about them, makes a huge statement to others.

Very well said!  Thank you for sharing that!  I agree that God can heal everything, and He has done a lot of work on me.  

"How do you attract someone if..."

I may be reading too much into semantics, but if you are indeed trying to attract someone rather than actively pursue someone, I'm afraid many men might see that as a sign you are not really ready or in control of your baggage. In any case, I think it would make a much stronger point that you have things under control if you were actively making it a point to pursue a relationship.

Imagine it from men's perspective. If you haven't seen a lot of women's dating profiles (or social media posts for that matter), one thing men are inundated with today is a reversal of things summed up by the "I wouldn't change a thing, because the things I went through made me who I am today." Another facet of that stone is the "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best!" At one time, we judged each other based on our positives and negatives. Now we are being expected to consider some people's positives positive, and their negatives...as positives. You can imagine how men might not be too keen on dating such a woman. I would say it's not just a matter of not being as extreme as them. I think many men will run if they detect even the slightest hint of such an attitude.

To take it a step further, I can not convey with words just how much men trying to date are also inundated with lies. While I imagine you are looking at the issue from your perspective, I imagine most men are seeing it from their own perspective, tempered by their past experiences with other women. In your age bracket, I think it's safe to assume most men have been burned before, probably multiple times. How many women's dating profiles say that they are a total wreck? None that I've seen. Rest assured, there are plenty out there (which men know), they just lie and say they have everything under control, or omit some rather important info. While it may seem from your perspective that you are setting yourself apart from women who don't have their baggage under control, from the men's perspective, can they see it? At the end of the day, they have to consider two main things: how much good can you bring into their life (and with what probability), and how much suffering (with what probability). Statistically, it is sadly quite rare for a positive outcome. Here is a graphic I saw the other day where a guy created a chart of his entire experience trying to date on OKCupid. This is what you need to overcome to convince a man that you are not just going to be another negative experience.

Jordan Holland wrote:"How do you attract someone if..."

I may be reading too much into semantics, but if you are indeed trying to attract someone rather than actively pursue someone, I'm afraid many men might see that as a sign you are not really ready or in control of your baggage. In any case, I think it would make a much stronger point that you have things under control if you were actively making it a point to pursue a relationship.

Yes, my question does incorrectly imply that, doesn’t it?  I think I could have worded my question better. How about “How do you approach revealing your baggage to a potential significant other without them assuming you can’t carry it?”  I’m not sure if that sounds any better.

I agree about having your life under control if you are going to pursue a relationship, but does anyone actually have their life under control??  Maybe we should instead say that people need to be able to manage the contents of their baggage so it doesn’t split open.  Even better, a mentally healthy person can have baggage, but the contents are now clean and securely contained. Ok, enough of the metaphor, lol.

When I start talking to someone and become interested, I will share with him some things that I struggle with and will always struggle with.  I can manage my struggles, but they are still there; some people can’t see past them.  I believe in total honesty, and I’m not about to candy-coat issues or pretend to be someone I’m not.  I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, mine included, if a guy can’t accept that I do have struggles. Everyone has struggles, but mine have a stigma attached to them.  It isn’t always possible to educate someone with the truth before they turn away… sometimes run away.

I forgot to address this part:

Jordan Holland wrote:

To take it a step further, I can not convey with words just how much men trying to date are also inundated with lies. While I imagine you are looking at the issue from your perspective, I imagine most men are seeing it from their own perspective, tempered by their past experiences with other women. In your age bracket, I think it's safe to assume most men have been burned before, probably multiple times. How many women's dating profiles say that they are a total wreck? None that I've seen. Rest assured, there are plenty out there (which men know), they just lie and say they have everything under control, or omit some rather important info. While it may seem from your perspective that you are setting yourself apart from women who don't have their baggage under control, from the men's perspective, can they see it? At the end of the day, they have to consider two main things: how much good can you bring into their life (and with what probability), and how much suffering (with what probability). Statistically, it is sadly quite rare for a positive outcome. Here is a graphic I saw the other day where a guy created a chart of his entire experience trying to date on OKCupid. This is what you need to overcome to convince a man that you are not just going to be another negative experience.

Women are inundated with lies, also.  The chart is right on target.  I should have collected data on my experiences, but I haven’t been using just one site for the whole time I’ve been looking. It’s amazing how easy it is for people to put up facades online, pretending to be a better version of themselves. Who can really see, right?  Why are they called “catfish”?  Is it because catfish are bottom feeders??

Thank you for sharing your views.  It gave me a lot of insight.

I agree about having your life under control if you are going to pursue a relationship, but does anyone actually have their life under control??  Maybe we should instead say that people need to be able to manage the contents of their baggage so it doesn’t split open.  Even better, a mentally healthy person can have baggage, but the contents are now clean and securely contained.

I think it could be said people who have their lives under control the least need a relationship the most. I think there is some merit to "opposites attract" in that regard. I believe the ideal relationship is between one person who needs more help than the other (providing they are both good people, of course). If both people are weak in that regard, their troubles tend to drown them both, unless they are incredibly lucky and their problems just mesh perfectly in a way they can handle. If both are very strong, they tend to clash and butt heads constantly. But if one is strong enough to help the other overcome his or her baggage, then they can both be strong, and all the happier for it. But this goes completely against what society says today. It's another unusual reversal. Society still says that selfishness is a bad thing, except when it comes to dating. People are told to get the absolute best person they can find, and not to dare to change in any way for someone. Every time you turn around it seems you find another false dichotomy. It's like we live in an age where there is no middle ground anymore.

On facades and catfish, I agree there are some out there, but I get the impression a lot of the problematic people are not intentionally doing it. I think in their mind what they are doing is the truth, and that's scary.

I guess it also comes down to the fundamentals of what a relationship is, which may be different for different people. I think what you are describing seems to fit into the modern ideal where both people in a relationship are distinct, complete individuals who don't need each other and are just together basically to share the good times. For someone like me (who believes two people with two lives come together to form one life)  it might not fit so well. If I choose to be with someone, it means I am willing to accept her baggage as if it were my own. She would need to make a pretty good argument for me to allow her to deal with some piece of baggage entirely on her own. It's certainly possible, but if she doesn't want me to help with her baggage at all it just feels like the trust isn't there, or maybe even something suspicious is going on.

It also reminds me of a common trope I see a lot, often presented as a way men need to change. "If the woman in your life comes to you to tell her about her problems, don't give her advice! She just wants you to listen." It is far less common in my experience to see the other side: "If you unload your emotional baggage on someone, it's only fair that you listen to the advice they give. After all, a willingness to help solve your problems shows just how much they care." Many men have had the frustration of being expected to be an emotional punching bag, but then chastised for trying to help. If a woman admits to having lots of baggage but having it all under control, I think there's a good chance it may be setting off these warning bells from past experiences (even if the woman in question is being earnest).

When I start talking to someone and become interested, I will share with him some things that I struggle with and will always struggle with.  I can manage my struggles, but they are still there; some people can’t see past them.  I believe in total honesty, and I’m not about to candy-coat issues or pretend to be someone I’m not.  I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, mine included, if a guy can’t accept that I do have struggles. Everyone has struggles, but mine have a stigma attached to them.  It isn’t always possible to educate someone with the truth before they turn away… sometimes run away.

I think many men crave honesty and openness. I certainly do. And I have no way of knowing how you come across on a first date. But one possibility could be how you present your baggage. While men may often get a reputation for being rather simple, I think a certain amount of decorum is still desirable to most. For starters, I presume many men are simply not accustomed to hearing a lot of truth at once, especially up front. It could be shocking. Also, if a whole lot of baggage is just dumped out all at once at their feet, they may wonder if this is how the entire relationship will go. I'm reminded of a series of quotes I've seen floating around social media. They are basically some flowery permutations of, "I'm not a bitch. I just tell the truth and people can't handle it." It's interesting to me how they think telling "the truth" automatically justifies them. Telling the truth when not needed and harmful, or at the wrong time, or in a hurtful way, or maybe even too much\too fast can be detrimental. If you feel you are genuinely scaring off potentially good matches with the truth, maybe compromise and say, "Let's just relax and have fun on the first date. No serious talk. Sometimes you just have to live in the moment. If it goes well, we can talk about the serious stuff later." Alternatively, there is the possibility that your current system is working better than you may realize. Perhaps it is screening all the ones who are simply not right for you. You use the word "educate." I'm not entirely sure what you mean, but if you are looking to change people's perceptions that's quite a tall order. It reminds me of this verse from a song:

I saw this woman
With tears in her eyes
Driving beside me yesterday.
She turned her head,
Then I turned mine,
Then I watched her drive away.

I thought,
"If I could tell her something
I would tell her this,
There's only two mistakes that
I have made:
It's running from the people
Who could love me best,
And trying to fix a world that
I can't change."

This has reminded me of a woman who asked me out years ago. We had grown up together, but I never saw her as a potential mate because her family were Jehovah's Witnesses. In retrospect, I believe the reason she attempted a relationship with me was for a place to live (which I believe is the reason for each woman who has asked me out, actually). She was definitely honest and to the point about many things on our date. With such honorable mentions as asking me my credit score, and letting me know that she only menstruates about twice a year. There were several things that made us not right for each other, or at least her not right for me, but as much as I was sick of lies and games even back then, the way she dispelled truth with no finesse whatsoever was definitely off-putting to me. Maybe it was just me. But in the end, she wasn't truly interested in me. She was just interested in A MAN. ASAP. The date had all the fun of a job interview, because in the end that's basically what it was. There may be guys who want that, but not me. I guess I feel I deserve a little more effort and consideration than a job interview date, lol.

Thank you for your input, Jordan.  

I’m the type that believes two people become one in a relationship.  I don’t want a business transaction or a marriage of convenience.  At the same token, I don’t want a clingy codependency where neither of us can do anything on our own.  We may be joined together as a couple, but we still retain some independence for a healthy relationship. A relationship should be a symbiosis of sorts, with both partners contributing their best. I agree they should complement each other.

As far as having the discussion about my baggage, it doesn’t usually happen when we first meet. It may be a few conversations in, but still towards the beginning of talking.  If a topic comes up that I must admit to baggage, I will talk about it casually. If they want to know more, they can ask more in-depth questions.

As far as “educating” someone, I mean correcting their false assumptions.  I’ve had guys say some mean things about my being bipolar. They didn’t know what bipolar disorder was as evidenced by their comments.  After their insensitive remarks, I had no desire to know them further, but it would have been nice to have corrected them.

I think a lot of “baggage” is more of a problem with perspective. In your situation you have something you were born with, but when God formed you in your mothers womb he chose a litany of traits for you, and one of them was being bipolar. I understand the struggle with that, but God chose that for you and God does not make mistakes. Nor does he want us to struggle endlessly with no purpose, he does it because it grows us and makes us who we are.

I agree with Matt in that God can heal anything, but sometimes he keeps issues and traits in our life because in the end it is best for us. It is not always easy, and I wish he would rid me of my many, many flaws, but he doesn’t for a reason. I am not sure I’ll fully know those reasons down here, but I try and remember who formed me.

For you, when and if you meet a man that understands that, he will be incredibly special for and to you. He will see that you are special and endearing, and from that your love will be inspirational. It may always be a struggle but he will know you, and love you anyway.

I know what I am talking about because I was in a situation where most women would just not understand, but when I met my girlfriend, she did, and I knew that was how I would know who I was supposed to be with.

Now I am no matchmaker, but I know Matt well, and he is a man of true integrity. Just saying: he is quite the catch!!

(Teasing here, but only half-so. Matt is an amazing guy)

Matt McSpadden wrote: Faith doesn't make things easy, it makes things possible.

I just reread all the responses I got on this post, and needed this quote of Luke 1:37.  Thank you, Matt

Steve Zoma wrote:I think a lot of “baggage” is more of a problem with perspective. In your situation you have something you were born with, but when God formed you in your mothers womb he chose a litany of traits for you, and one of them was being bipolar. I understand the struggle with that, but God chose that for you and God does not make mistakes. Nor does he want us to struggle endlessly with no purpose, he does it because it grows us and makes us who we are.

I agree with Matt in that God can heal anything, but sometimes he keeps issues and traits in our life because in the end it is best for us. It is not always easy, and I wish he would rid me of my many, many flaws, but he doesn’t for a reason. I am not sure I’ll fully know those reasons down here, but I try and remember who formed me.

For you, when and if you meet a man that understands that, he will be incredibly special for and to you. He will see that you are special and endearing, and from that your love will be inspirational. It may always be a struggle but he will know you, and love you anyway.

I know what I am talking about because I was in a situation where most women would just not understand, but when I met my girlfriend, she did, and I knew that was how I would know who I was supposed to be with.

Now I am no matchmaker, but I know Matt well, and he is a man of true integrity. Just saying: he is quite the catch!!

(Teasing here, but only half-so. Matt is an amazing guy)

Thanks for your words of encouragement, Steve.  You’re right about God not making mistakes. Sometimes it’s hard to come to terms with, though.  

I just out of bad relationship well allMost two years out of a relationship that hert me mentally I thought it was forever so I am still recovering but I think finding someone new would be helpful let me know what you think if you want to talk more you can text if you like 520-471-8431 or email jasonw41971@gmail.com maybe we can get to know each other

I am 52 good shape good health 6-3