Combining House with My Father, My Husband Isn't Excited

I'm excited because I will finally have a real yard in which to grow things, it won't be huge, but its still a real yard!  We are combining house with my father because he is starting to struggle on his own.  There's this part of me that is excited about moving back to my familial home and my old neighbourhood.  There will be challenges too as my father is challenging.  He and I are close, and we squabble.  We're going to rent the upstairs part of the house and he's building a kitchenette up there for us, though sometimes we can use the big kitchen on the main floor if it isn't too late at night, etc.

Anyways my husband is willing to do this, but he's not seeing it as exciting.  He disliked living in Portland and loves living in the suburb cities.  He also hates that his work commute will take a much longer time (we're currently nine blocks from his work).  He's talking about possibly switching to the location close to my dad's house, but I think he'd miss his friends etc.  He works at a large grocery store chain, so switching is an option, it would at least solve his commute complaints.

I'm trying to think of ways to make this move and shift easier for him.  Because we don't have children we are the ones who need to look out for the parents etc.  I already told him we'd get a small forge so he can blacksmith in the backyard (a friend of his family is currently teaching him how).

Any other ideas?

Wow, there is no easy answer here.
You and your husband are doing the right thing by putting family first.
I can certainly commiserate with your hubby about living in a major city, I certainly would struggle.
Having a forge will help.
Perhaps, an auto shop area.
Or a carpenter shop if he likes wood.
If it is within your means, drive to the country where you might want to live later in life and see what properties are available.

Enjoy your dad while you have him.
Time moves on, and things change.
The future seems to arrive faster every day!

I am very tight with my inlaws, infact we live side by side and they share their driveway with us.
I could have lived in the very same house as them, but the expectations they had for that would have been very unbalanced, in favor of my wife and I.
They wanted to give us the top three stories and live in the basement!
That kind of thing seemed very bad idea for family harmony and emotional well-being.
But we did buy the house next door to them.
That was 20 plus years ago, and I have no regrets about living here.
My wife has upon occasion been driven to distraction.
Being this close to ones parents can create a friction that distance alleviates.
You are planning on being even closer.

Renting from family seems very different from what I think of as combining house.
Are you going to be cooking, cleaning and otherwise keeping house for your father?
My older relatives need those things and more, like dispensing of medicine and getting them to doctors appointments.
Is the rental income what your dad needs?
In your husband's position I would be concerned that a family disagreement would become a landlord tenant disagreement.
I would also be concerned that the physical proximity would make emotional escape impossible.
Taking care of family is very important, but it should be a mutual thing.
Your husband's work day will be effectively longer and when he is home, he has reason to expect you and your dad might not be getting along.
He would have to be carved of stone for that to not affect him negatively.
The move sounds like big sacrifice for him.
The addition of father daughter turmoil is what I personally would find really off-putting, but maybe I'm reading more into your description than is actually there.

My basement workshop is one place where I can escape drama.
A smithy and and maybe a fire pit or gameroom, some space dedicated to his hobby and/or to cultivating his friendships could go a long way.

We moved my mom in with us for a decade while our sons were in high school and college.
It meant moving to a more acceptable house for her and giving up our off grid 'cabin in the woods' life style for 10 years.

She had alzheimers and was a daily challenge and joy.
Steve helped equally and we some how managed to adjust to her gradual decline.
She died at home with us.

What made all the difference for us was our family and friends willingness to try to give her a comfortable life and balance that with sons in school and sports who were soon off to college.
none of us have any regrets....sometimes you only get one chance to do right.

Your situation sounds as though working out some balances favoring your husband will be important...I don't have suggestions not knowing him but you mention that you and your dad are close and ' squabble'?  That might be the big one to moderate for harmony at home ..new situation can be stressful enough.

We have been in several different situations with family and other folks. We lived in a house with 2 other families so 7 adults, 9 kids. We have also lived with my parents at their place and near my wife's parents (next door so to speak, condo complex).

The issues that came up were related to lack of communication and expectation setting. Clear communication is key to making the situation pleasant instead of drudgery.

We had some issues with the kids and the kitchen. These were resolved with clear communication and expectation setting. It read like you won't have any problems in either area because of the kitchenette and no kids. With only having one personality to deal with (your dad), that will simplify things.

Unless you, your husband and your father all like to not ever plan anything, I would recommend you make some loose plan before you get there. Go over this plan with you dad. By plan, I mean set the expectations and what and when for things like meals, and spending time together. Who cooks, who cleans up, when to watch a movie together or play a game, etc.

This will be unique because it reads like you are going to be functioning as a caregiver.

What a lovely opportunity for getting a yard.

If you have kids there is no better way for them to get to know a grandparent.

Josh Hoffman wrote:

This will be unique because it reads like you are going to be functioning as a caregiver.

And even though we do not know you personally, I am glad for you that you are doing this. We moved across the country to be with my dad before he died in '21. I wished he would have come to us but he did not feel it was possible and it was important enough for us to uproot and go to him.

Even though we basically put our lives on hold and started over after he died, there has not ever been any regret because we got to be there to take care of him and he got to know his grandkids better.

Unfortunately, he died alone in the hospital because of the covid protocols. That is another topic, however.  

Have an honest conversation about the squabbling with your father, and about how forcing your husband to endure it is likely to put enormous emotional strain on your husband.

That squabbling is a thing. You know about it and recognize it and have both normalized it. So just stating "let's not do this" is probably going to insufficient to stop it.  Develop a concrete methodology to interrupt it when it begins and channel the impulse to squabble into something constructive.  Your husband loves you and is hard wired to react negatively to people reacting negatively to you. You and your dad shouldn't be surprised if your husband starts getting angry and resentful towards your dad for squabbling with you and then with you for defending your dad.

Have a honest conversation with your husband, asking him to fully list his concerns. Don't interrupt him or  downplay those concerns. Acknowledge them and game out a solution/moderation  to each one. You and your Dad are significantly increasing his work day with the commute, so you two should take other things off his plate immediately.

If I recall one of your previous posts, your husband uses public transportation quite a bit.  Sweeten that longer commute with a nintendo switch or an upgraded kindle or something like that. If he's driving or riding, find a comfort upgrade to the car or bike.

Your Dad's going to be making some adjustments too.  There's a big difference between " my daughter is happily married" and "the guy having sex with my daughter is living in my house and taking over".  Have the same conversations with him, and if he is socially isolated, get him out more.  Plenty of things do in Portland. The more intellectual and physical stimulation he's getting outside the home, the less he'll resent the needs he has for the care you are providing.

On the forge, get that started right away. At the very least, you guys can start going to auctions for an anvil, hunting used book stores for the books, etc. Even getting a large log or a length of railroad  for a small initial anvil and a steel truck wheel for an initial forge will give him a real and actual sense of positive change rather than dread.

Best of luck!
Good for your husband and you taking care of your dad. As a Gen Xer I see a lot of aging boomers who threw away their families with divorce or purposeful single parenthood  or had extremely small families because the tv told them to do so. Now they are aging and dying alone, or going into the hell of nursing homes. My own father is in this boat- but I am an only child of divorce and have to choose between him and my mother because they live on opposite coasts. They should have thought about that.

Some good ideas here.

Our goal is that by us moving there it will prolong my father's ability to live in his own house and have autonomy.  He isn't yet to the place where he needs caregiving, he just needs help with extra money from the rent we provide and with not being alone, and occasionally with small things.  Our goal is that with those needs met it will take longer for him to need substantial amounts of assistance, so he can live the life he wants to live longer.

We are going to write up a contract and some agreements so that everything is discussed beforehand as much as possible.  My father's area of the house will be the main floor, he isn't currently using the upstairs for anything except storage, today we began the slow process of going through things to start preparing for an "upstairs sale" to send unnecessary things along to new people who can enjoy them.  I'll go over and work on it with him little by little so it can go at a realistic pace for him, in our family change is hard so gradual is good.

I'm the transit user, my husband has a car, he just hates traffic and so on, usual city complaints.  I agree that I need and want to make sure he's getting some extra special things to make this change easier for him.  Someday in the future we'll likely have to handle his parents aging too, and then I'll have to take my turn at being in a situation that will require sacrifices.  These are things we discussed while dating, this understanding that child-free might mean helping-parents and other family.

Another thing my husband is interested in learning is how to make mead for ourselves, so we'll definitely have space to make that happen now..  

It sounds like your husband will be A) spending a lot more time commuting, B) living in a place he doesn't care for, and C) living in his father-in-law's house. If my wife tried to get me to move in with my father-in-law  (which would accomplish the same three things outline above), I'd be really frustrated too. At least in my situation, a much more palatable option would be to have the father-in-law move in with us.

I've seen a lot of cases where the good kid moves back home to care for the aging parent after being promised that the family house will be theirs after the death of the parent.

Then the good kid ends up homeless or forced to move back to an apartment. Dream shattered.

Why? Three reasons.

1. Parent doesn't want to sell the house to the kid until death. But old people often require extensive medical care before death. They rack up extreme medical or long term care bills and the property gets huge liens from medicare/medicaid. The property cannot be transferred without those amounts being payed, and a lienholder can occasionally force a sell. Encumbered properties are hard to sell.  Sounds like you are planning for a nursing home at a point in time that is ever approaching. If you don't plan around the liens, you are planning to lose the house.

2. Parent is a human being. Human beings, no matter how sainted they are in the loving eyes of a child, are flawed. Old people rack up big unknown debts and use the house as collateral or listen to some tv has been celebrity parasite  and get a (EVIL!)  reverse mortgage.   Upon death, reverse mortgage holder immediately beings foreclosure.  Old people are often lonely and bored. I cannot easily count how many times I've heard "Daddy wouldn't give the property away to an online eastern European prostitute or marry her and move her in" , "Mommy would never give the house to a church who's told her that's a guarantee she won't go to hell"   or "Daddy would never rack up 1/2 million in online gambling debts". You must always plan around the one universal human trait- frailty of will.  If you read this and think "Dad will never do this" you are in the danger zone.  This first one happened to me. Online prostitute, 89 year old man.  My wife and I had 30 minutes to pack our possessions and leave while a SWAT team watched with an AR on my wife and dog. I am lawyer, former cop, had been telling everyone about online prostitute's manipulations.  I trusted in rationality and reason. Lived in a trailer park on an asphalt pad for three months as a result.

3. Siblings and other relatives come out of the wood work upon death of the property holder. ALWAYS!!! Sometimes unknown siblings. The will or trust is set up right before death or there isn't one,  and now it is a huge court battle.  Sometimes, they don't wait until death and call social services on you for "manipulating" the old man, or get the old man to let them move in - after all he owns and controls the property.   Here's a truth of court- the system is set up for compromise.  Optimists and the naïve think they win or lose on the merits or truth. The truth is that cases get settled by a compromise. You and hubby  then get compromised  out of the house or legal billed out of the house due to a relative. You must plan for these fights, or you are default  planning on moving out.

Do not trust or hope or allow your Dad to maintain the ability to leverage the property after you move in.  Wills and trusts can be revoked, and there's no way you would know.  Rather than trust your father have your father trust you. He sells you the house, you give him a lifetime tenancy in exchange.  A lawyer can draw this up for you. Before making this deal, and even before moving in, run a title search on the property and find out what the encumbrances are now. Do not trust on depend or other relatives.

You might have thought of these things before and acted on your concerns.  You didn't, probably  because of love and concern for your Dad.  Have total love and concern for you and your hubby's future. Protect yourselves.  Showing your hubby that you care more for his future than your Dad's feelings will also help him out.  

Lastly, you do you, but I am an older meaner person with a lifetime of experience concerning the various forms of human misery and chicanery.  Being a tenant in my parents home, renting only a portion of it, sounds like a dehumanizing compromise.  That's a crop full of trouble waiting to happen. I'd never do it. The first time your Dad tells your husband "This is my home and I'll evict you unless...  " you'll be making a choice between your husband's pride and your father's affection.  

I don't mean to rain on your parade. I am not offering legal advise. I am just writing because no one else is offering a real world based analysis of this situation and Permies should stick together.

The Oregon bar association can help you find a lower cost property attorney, the law school has a legal clinic. All of these processes  are best begun with a calm, honest,  caring discussion between you three.

Jeff, that was some tough stuff to read, much less live through.
Thank you for sharing your hard times, I think it really will do some good.

Riona, your reactions to the advice and reflections shared here is admirable.
The fact you discussed family obligations when you were dating shows a lot of foresight.

There's no way my dad could, or would, move in with us, as we're in a one bedroom apartment and he owns a house.

While I hear you about weird family decisions, leans and nursing home debt, we fully understand that this isn't a guarantee of "getting the house".  After all I have an older brother so anything that may be left after my father passes away (hopefully a long time from now) will be sold and divided equally, as per the will.  And yes my father could change it if he chose, but that is his choice and he is still of sound enough mind to do what he chooses with his property, whether that benefits us or not.

Yeah obviously if my father and husband got into it we'd have to move out again because I won't put up with toxic behaviour towards my husband.

My husband is looking forward to having a room for himself as an office/etc. so he is coming around to finding positives.